justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 He's 35, I'm 27. We’ve been together for 8 years and recently, he’s been helping my family out with the renovation items in the house. Today, we went furniture shopping and in the midst of it, I can sense that my mother wasn’t that happy about it because it was out of our budget. I felt that he couldn’t sense it and kept pushing his idea. So I said, enough or I’ll slap you (kiddingly). But it came off as though I meant it to him. He said that I sounded I’m dead serious. I’ve apologized to him and explained that I wasn’t even a bit serious. I’ve said this in a joking manner before but maybe because this time I said with a straight face. I felt so bad and mad about myself for hurting him. I know that we most likely will end up not continuing the relationship. I’m feeling very guilty that I’ve said that sentence (it was purely meant to be in a kidding manner). He’s upset because he felt that after all the effort that he has put in, it has come down to this sentence that I said. He felt unappreciated for all the work he has done for my family, including the time and effort spent. I know it’s my fault and if we did end up breaking up, I did told him that I don’t blame him but I felt very bad for hurting him. And he isn’t responding to msges too. I know that it will most likely be the end of our relationship but I can't get past my guilt.
ThorntonMelon Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 If that ended an 8 year relationship, there's a lot to this story you're not telling us. 5
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 He said he felt that all the effort that he has put in to help with the reno works just all boils down to a "I want to slap you". He's not responding to the last text that I texted last night which was to lmk when he reached home.
preraph Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Sounds like you need to talk to him some more assure him that you'll never make an abrasive comment like that again. Tell him you do appreciate him and be honest with him about what prompted you to say something. And next time for women side privately whisper if there something you need to tell him.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 He said he felt that all the effort that he has put in to help with the reno works just all boils down to a "I want to slap you". He's not responding to the last text that I texted last night which was to lmk when he reached home. Is he always this sensitive? 8 years is a long time to just throw in the towel over a dumb comment in a furniture store. 2
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 That is if he could listen to me. I have apologized and talked to him yesterday about it. I told him it was really meant as a joke, but he insisted that I was serious. For now, it seems like it is a done deal thing. He doesn't reach out at all.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 So basically you were mediating between your boyfriend and your mom and... Negotiations fell apart. Happens. The thing is, you need to be able to say "No" to your partner and when you do, that should lead to the table for further negotiations... When saying "No" leads to communication break down, in any way at all, whether it be jokingly or whatever the case may be, that is because there is usually an ulterior motive playing an unseen part in the negotiation. Him holding your relationship hostage over furniture is ridiculous and hard to believe. Him walking away because you said "Ill slap you" is not the issue, the issue is that you said "No". If you had said "No," you would probably be in the same situation you are now.
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 Is he always this sensitive? 8 years is a long time to just throw in the towel over a dumb comment in a furniture store. Yes, he is. I've made that comment playfully a couple of times already. It was just that yesterday I had to mitigate the tension between him and my dad. So I looked serious. I've said something about a comment on how my friend's proposal looked so nice and that she's so lucky. (He hasn't even proposed). He got pissed and initiated the break up. But he texted again in the few hours. We got back together after that. I think it's also because of his job. He has been in and out of jobs for the past 6 years. He felt that he was being bullied in every job he went into. And that incident probably make him felt that I was like his colleague who took advantage of him and verbally abused him.
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 So basically you were mediating between your boyfriend and your mom and... Negotiations fell apart. Happens. The thing is, you need to be able to say "No" to your partner and when you do, that should lead to the table for further negotiations... When saying "No" leads to communication break down, in any way at all, whether it be jokingly or whatever the case may be, that is because there is usually an ulterior motive playing an unseen part in the negotiation. Him holding your relationship hostage over furniture is ridiculous and hard to believe. Him walking away because you said "Ill slap you" is not the issue, the issue is that you said "No". If you had said "No," you would probably be in the same situation you are now. People have told me the same thing too. But he kept on saying that all that he has done and the 8 years just boiled down to the sentence. I also forgot to add, yesterday was his Lunar birthday (Chinese have these Lunar and western birthday). I didn't know because we always celebrated his western birthday. He was also upset that he spent his birthday helping me out but in exchange, I said that.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 He has been in and out of jobs for the past 6 years. He felt that he was being bullied in every job he went into. And that incident probably make him felt that I was like his colleague who took advantage of him and verbally abused him. Do you always make excuses for him? Is it a red flag to you that he feels bullied at all his jobs and goes through jobs like underwear?
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 People have told me the same thing too. But he kept on saying that all that he has done and the 8 years just boiled down to the sentence. I also forgot to add, yesterday was his Lunar birthday (Chinese have these Lunar and western birthday). I didn't know because we always celebrated his western birthday. He was also upset that he spent his birthday helping me out but in exchange, I said that. Your boyfriend sounds very manipulative. If your parents were not there, you probably would of given in to his demands, correct? I imagine that is the issue. Sensitive people are usually sensitive because they can manipulate a situation with their sensitivity; i would have a hard look at the hard choices you have made with this person and think about if this person is manipulating you a lot of the time to make bad choices or what. Your parents should not have to intervene for good choices to be made.
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 Do you always make excuses for him? Is it a red flag to you that he feels bullied at all his jobs and goes through jobs like underwear? He'd say that I behaved like his co-worker... and I thought that maybe it's true that's why he was so angry with me.
GoreSP Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Is he always this sensitive? 8 years is a long time to just throw in the towel over a dumb comment in a furniture store. This. I feel like there is more to this story than what we know (perhaps even OP doesn't know about)... 1
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 Your boyfriend sounds very manipulative. If your parents were not there, you probably would of given in to his demands, correct? I imagine that is the issue. Sensitive people are usually sensitive because they can manipulate a situation with their sensitivity; i would have a hard look at the hard choices you have made with this person and think about if this person is manipulating you a lot of the time to make bad choices or what. Your parents should not have to intervene for good choices to be made. The furniture that he picked was too pricey for my father to pay. And I could see it but he kept on being pushy. I know he was being helpful and I've already warned him to look at my dad's expression (he's not happy). But later he still continued so I said that enough already, if not I'll slap you (then I slap his calves like those playful kinds?)
BaileyB Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Yeah, while your comment was insensitive and inappropriate... I would expect that you would be given the benefit of the doubt when you’ve been in a relationship with a man for eight years - especially when you are quick to apologize. There must be more to the story here. The punishment does not fit the crime.
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 This. I feel like there is more to this story than what we know (perhaps even OP doesn't know about)... What do you mean? From what I understand and gather is that, because he has been in and out of jobs that's why he felt incompetent. And by helping me out, he'd feel more competent, but then this thing happened.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 What do you mean? From what I understand and gather is that, because he has been in and out of jobs that's why he felt incompetent. And by helping me out, he'd feel more competent, but then this thing happened. I'll ask again.....do you always make excuses for him?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 What other problems exist in your relationship, OP?
GoreSP Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 What do you mean? From what I understand and gather is that, because he has been in and out of jobs that's why he felt incompetent. And by helping me out, he'd feel more competent, but then this thing happened. Well someone doesn't just end a relationship of 8 years over this. Unless you have been violent with him (not saying that you are) I don't see how an 8-year partner would get the joke. So the fact he is so sensitive about this tells me there is more going on here (probably that he has not told you about). But I mean, this seems like you tried to alleviate tension between your partner and your father. Your partner didn't like it, you apologized. Not worth ruining an 8 year relationship over. I'm sure you've had bigger fights in the last 8 years...
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 The furniture that he picked was too pricey for my father to pay. And I could see it but he kept on being pushy. I know he was being helpful and I've already warned him to look at my dad's expression (he's not happy). But later he still continued so I said that enough already, if not I'll slap you (then I slap his calves like those playful kinds?) If saying "No" does not communicate NO, what else do you have to say? Im telling you, like if you say "No" and he don't listen to you, you gotta ask yourself, what does "No" mean to this person? Like, there is this idea of respect, where if somebody tells you "No", you dont whine like a baby about it, you deal with it... Your slap comment sprang from the soil of the dead "No"... A NO has to mean no. I do not think you are at fault at all; your reaction was given life by his resistance to the word "No", like... Charity from your Dad and he goes "Well, you know, I like this one more..." Like who does this guy think he is? lmfao.
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 I'll ask again.....do you always make excuses for him? I don't know... 2
BaileyB Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Well, and who goes their entire life without saying something they regret? Surely your partner is not perfect - he must have said something to you at some point that he regretted? I once called my partner a jerk - I was joking, it was not intended in a mean way as it was just something my mom used to say in jest... The look on his face told me that it was not heard in jest. I apologized, he said that’s fine, and we were over it. I try hard not to say it anymore, out of respect for the fact that I don’t want to do anything hurtful. But if I did say it again, it would not end our relationship. We have love and trust between us. And forgiveness. 1
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 What other problems exist in your relationship, OP? Him not getting a permanent job for the past 6 years. He's been feeling frustrated and has been letting it out lately, like throwing things. We'd co-share the cost to our meals. But I'm paying for it most of the time. I've been hinting him I feel its time that we move forward, but he said that he wants to get a stable job before he proposes. And in the quarrel that also almost led to a break-up, he said he needed to reconsider about proposing to me because of what I said.
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 Well someone doesn't just end a relationship of 8 years over this. Unless you have been violent with him (not saying that you are) I don't see how an 8-year partner would get the joke. So the fact he is so sensitive about this tells me there is more going on here (probably that he has not told you about). But I mean, this seems like you tried to alleviate tension between your partner and your father. Your partner didn't like it, you apologized. Not worth ruining an 8 year relationship over. I'm sure you've had bigger fights in the last 8 years... I have never been violent with him. It's those playful hits and he knows about it. He'd joke along with me. I don't know if this is considered violent, I think it is, but he thinks its not. He once shoved meatballs into my mouth and asked me to ****ing eat the meatballs. Someone cut his queue and he got pissed, and the fact that he doesn't want to be there but he came because I wanted to see Christmas trees.
Author justabottle Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 If saying "No" does not communicate NO, what else do you have to say? Im telling you, like if you say "No" and he don't listen to you, you gotta ask yourself, what does "No" mean to this person? Like, there is this idea of respect, where if somebody tells you "No", you dont whine like a baby about it, you deal with it... Your slap comment sprang from the soil of the dead "No"... A NO has to mean no. I do not think you are at fault at all; your reaction was given life by his resistance to the word "No", like... Charity from your Dad and he goes "Well, you know, I like this one more..." Like who does this guy think he is? lmfao. I've talked to him about this before not being so pushy about the reno stuff because it is still my parents' home. He got sulky once but the next day he understood. I know he is really trying to help, he even went to the extra mile. To provide a better living space for my parents and I.
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