I love a man I cannot have - do I have to tell him?

[Fridita]

I'm in love with the man I cannot have because he is in a relationship. He is my colleague.

Don't take me wrong - I fully respect his relationship and I have no intention to break it.

When I felt in love with him, I thought that it will pass away. I was telling to myself - it's just a crush. But the more I know him, the more I like him, it's not the opposite. We have a great mental connection, we can talk for hours, he obviously likes to be around me and I like to be around him. His face lights up always when he sees me, which I realized before I felt in love with him.

I felt there was always "something in the air"between us. Two times he tried to be very near to me (I don't know if it was intention or just a coincidence) and when we were standing so near to each other, there was such a strong pull between us. This summer it was getting a bit of out of control - I saw him checking me out many times, he was joking with me a lot, trying to impress me etc. Because I knew he is in a relationship, I did not react very much on this, I kept my distance. Otherwise (if he is single) I would flirt and I would reciprocate everything he does, because it feel so natural to me.

He never mention he is in a committed relationship, but I found it out from elsewhere.

 

It's very difficult for me to see him, talk to him, share with him and not be able to tell him how I feel. It feels like a big lesson of self-control.

I dont know if he knows how I feel. And I honestly dont know what to do.

I'm not going to leave the job - it's my dream job, the colleagues are great and I would be silly if I do that.

Well, what do you think? What the best thing to do, beside leaving the job?

[ABernie]

I'm not going to leave the job - it's my dream job, the colleagues are great and I would be silly if I do that.

 

This does not happen very often. You know the job is great and is working for you. You do not know if this man is interested or would be a good partner. The job is more important.

 

I wish my xMM didn't tell me he was interested in me. I wish we could go back to our friendship.

[basil67]

No, you don't 'have to tell him'. You could choose to tell him, but this would be a foolish move which sets you both on a path of self destruction. What you would be wise to do is to squash your feelings. Nobody is perfect, so remind yourself of his faults frequently. His first fault being that he supposedly flirts with you even though he's married.

[K.K.]

Of course you don’t have to tell him. You should not tell him. You keep on this path and this great job of yours is going to become your own prison. Been there. Done that. I promise you nothing good is going to come of it.

 

Find someone else single to crush on and leave this alone.

 

Thank me later.

[Amethyst68]

Why on earth would you tell him? The only reason I can think of is to see if he is up for an affair.

 

You need to take a step back and build your boundaries back up, start behaving like the professional colleagues you say you are.

[spiritedaway2003]

No, do NOT tell him. That's setting up the path to destruction. Why would you do that?

 

@ABernie, yes sometimes I feel that that way about my xMM. That I wished he didn't tell me. We could have just continue to be friends.

[d0nnivain]

Keep your mouth shut. You don't love him. You don't even know him a personal context. You know him as a work colleague. He has a relationship. Respect that. Spend less time with him. If you won't quit at least make a great effort to get a BF outside of work to keep your mind off him

[preraph]

So you're opting for chaos, huh? Of course, you don't tell him! Get your crap together! Just because you have feelings doesn't mean you have to make them someone else's problem. Have some boundaries! Confessing never ends well, never! You'll end up with huge work problems and that's it. He's taken. You can't love him because you don't even respect him.

[MsJayne]

I try to live life by this rule, "Do as you would be done by" and I think the world would be a kinder and nicer place if more people tried to follow it too. Would you want some random woman throwing herself at your partner? No?

Don't imagine that he has any secret feelings for you that extend past his crotch area. He twinkles his eyes at you because he'd like to hit on you, but he'd prefer it if you hit on him, because then when he got sick of you and wanted to get rid of you he could use that old chestnut, "She threw herself at me" to get out of jail free. That would also be around the same time that you found yourself clearing out your desk and sitting at home wondering what the hell happened. Married men who behave like this are nasty pieces of work - Full Stop.

[BaileyB]

I think there is a fair amount of projection happening here...

 

I’d like to feel badly for you, but I don’t. It’s not uncommon to have a crush on a man who is unavailable - but very attractive, kind, funny... It has certainly happened to me. It doesn’t have to mean anything...

 

I hope that you are not foolish enough to risk your dream job for an affair. If you are considering doing something like telling him that you love him, I would suggest that you to limit your time with this man, see him only in a group setting and keep things very professional.

[d0nnivain]

A crush can be a fun thing. Over the years I have had male colleagues at work who I thought were great guys -- handsome, intelligent, good sense of humor fun to talk to. Occasionally I'd speculate what it would be like to _____ him. Those silly day dreams were not constrained by anybody's relationship status. I'd fantasize for a few minutes then remind myself that somebody or both of us was unavailable. Then I'd go back to our regular scheduled work interactions. No harm no foul because all of this happened in the privacy of my own mind, never to be acted on.

 

Draw the work boundaries in the right places & do not cross them. Your fantasies do not need to be shared with him or become his concern.

[Daisy2013]

Don’t tell him unless you are secretly wishing to start an affair. I was close friends with a man, we fit perfect together, and both in miserable marriages. I was crushing on him, but never said a word and things were all above board. I never said a word or acted otherwise. One day, he told me his feelings and it opened the door. I said “game on” and well, that was that. It’s a road you don’t want to travel.

[BaileyB]

A crush can be a fun thing.

 

Draw the work boundaries in the right places & do not cross them. Your fantasies do not need to be shared with him or become his concern.

 

Could not agree more.

 

The problems occur when people begin to think that somehow they need to act on their crush, that it is somehow inevitable - star crossed lovers, destined to be together and all that... Next thing they know, boundaries are crossed and that individual is going down the road less travelled - and can’t figure out how to get right on the road again.

 

A crush is just that, a crush. A feeling. It does not mean that you can, or should, act on it.

[d0nnivain]

Is this the same guy you asked about in February? Your married boss?

 

If this crush is on your married boss NOTHING good will come of you speaking up. Your boss will think you have no sense & will find legal reasons to fire you.

[lurker74]

Most likely you are not in love with him, which requires more than you've shares, not the least of which is the return on love in exchange. But if by chance you do love him, or even just care about him, then do him the immense favor of not telling him and slowly building up the boundaries so that you don't destroy his life along with yours.

[schlumpy]

It's not uncommon for people who work on projects together to feel an emotional connection. I can't say all of them are fools gold but most are. I don't see how you are in love with him if all you know is a slice of his life. You may love that slice but what about the rest? How is he with children? Does he go to church? Does he party on the weekends or spend a quiet evening at home? What kind of movie does like to see? What he like on his hamburger?

 

How much do you really know about him?

[Envy123]

In my previous job, I was absolutely infatuated with two of my co-workers. It took a while to realise that I was infatuated with my "concept" of what they were and over time, the "concept" proved to be different to reality.

 

One had an entirely different voice to what I thought it would be (!) and another proved to be bitter and complained all of the time about her love life.

 

If I didn't know that one of them had a gruff voice instead of a sweet one, it proves to me that I never knew the reality, only the fantasy.

 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

warning about people in relationships. any affairs are a fantasy; escape from their reality. 

Translation: when reality bursts that fantasy bubble, you'll be the one hurt, lonely and in extreme pain.

 

if you love this dream job... protect YOUR dream, not the fantasy attraction he may feel for you b/c something is missing from his relationship. otherwise, you may find out after the fantasy bursts... you have to give up your dream b/c the pain of being near him is unbearable.

 

run...mentally... while you still can.

[Watercolors]

OP, watch the movie My Best Friend's Wedding and take notes from it. 

Just leave your coworker alone. Infatuation and crushes at work happen and rarely lead to anything. Don't screw up your dream job for a fantasy. No man is worth the sacrifice. Sorry but it's true.

[Inspire]

I think you need to put things into perspective. Crushes happen and generally they're harmless. They are relationships that are never fully realized.

There is a whole sub forum for people that were once in your shoes and decided to make the leap. My advice to you is to see what could be in your future if you decide to confess and attempt to fully realize this relationship.

[PinkFlamingo]

Next time he flirts or does something similar, "I think we shouldn't do that, I heard you are already in a relationship and I do not get involved with people who are taken." If his marriage is down the gutter anyway, it might give him the little push to finally end it. If not, he will stay away from you since you established your boundaries. And definitely do not get involved with him as long as he is married or they are not separated. You don't want to be the homewrecker.

[Brennan72]

I am very careful with my female contacts at work, and I think it is a red flag that this guy seems to b showing interest, and lines might be getting crossed

 

In this #metoo era, I don't take any chances in the workplace

 

1. No one-on-one meetings with women ever in the workplace. At the very least, HR has to be present.

2. No traveling with female colleagues in the same plane of vehicle. No staying at the same hotel

3. No direct emails: every email to a female gets a supervisor or HR copy

4. Absolutely no after-work meetups, and I don't attend company parties if single female co-workers are there

 

I've seen guys have their careers ruined. I keep everything professional and cold in the workplace 

 

[lana-banana]

On 12/22/2019 at 11:14 AM, Brennan72 said:

I am very careful with my female contacts at work, and I think it is a red flag that this guy seems to b showing interest, and lines might be getting crossed

 

In this #metoo era, I don't take any chances in the workplace

 

1. No one-on-one meetings with women ever in the workplace. At the very least, HR has to be present.

2. No traveling with female colleagues in the same plane of vehicle. No staying at the same hotel

3. No direct emails: every email to a female gets a supervisor or HR copy

4. Absolutely no after-work meetups, and I don't attend company parties if single female co-workers are there

 

I've seen guys have their careers ruined. I keep everything professional and cold in the workplace 

 

 

So women can't network, mentor, or intern with you, and you only treat men as equals. This documented, deliberately separate treatment of male and female colleagues is a discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen.

 

If you don't trust yourself in a vehicle, hotel, or a bar with female coworkers---or, as you seem to be implying, if you believe most women go around sexual harassment claims as though women aren't the ones who are ruined in the process---that says waaay more about you than anyone you work with.

 

OP: I wouldn't do it unless you feel like you can't live the rest of your life not having said it. It's really not ideal to confess your feelings to someone in a relationship, but especially to a coworker. You have to be prepared for it to go poorly and it may have drastic consequences for the rest of your career. You say this is your dream job---is the chance that he reciprocates really worth ruining that? Isn't it more likely he's just a flirt?

[Brennan72]

3 hours ago, lana-banana said:

 

So women can't network, mentor, or intern with you, and you only treat men as equals. This documented, deliberately separate treatment of male and female colleagues is a discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen.

 

If you don't trust yourself in a vehicle, hotel, or a bar with female coworkers---or, as you seem to be implying, if you believe most women go around sexual harassment claims as though women aren't the ones who are ruined in the process---that says waaay more about you than anyone you work with.

 

OP: I wouldn't do it unless you feel like you can't live the rest of your life not having said it. It's really not ideal to confess your feelings to someone in a relationship, but especially to a coworker. You have to be prepared for it to go poorly and it may have drastic consequences for the rest of your career. You say this is your dream job---is the chance that he reciprocates really worth ruining that? Isn't it more likely he's just a flirt?

 

LOL I like how you turn this around and try to say it is about me. Sorry sweetheart. I trust myself completely--it is others I don't trust, and I'm not going to put myself in a situation where I could get accused of something.

 

I didn't create the #metoo movement, so don't start complaining that it hasn't worked out the way you wanted. This is EXACTLY what the women who were behind that movement wanted--men to be considered predators, separate spaces for men and women, monitoring and oversight, guilty until proven innocent, etc. Discrimination suit? lol 

 

 

[lana-banana]

Just now, Brennan72 said:

Sorry sweetheart. I trust myself completely--it is others I don't trust

 

"I trust myself, just not women." The "sweetheart" is just the icing on the cake. Good work convincing anybody you aren't a Neanderthal. If I worked in your office I wouldn't be alone with you either.