Tips for meeting boyfriend's grown kids?

[Ruby Slippers]

I have a new boyfriend and everything is going very well. We've already had a blast on a little weekend road trip, are spending all our free time and every night together (he initiated this), and he invited me to join him on his already planned 2-week Christmas/NYE trip out of state where's he from. I have all that time as paid holidays from work and would love nothing more than to spend it with him. So I accepted and he got the tickets for me.

 

He has a house there and his two grown kids (19-year-old son and 23-year-old daughter) are in college there. They usually stay with him at his house when he's in town at least some of the time. So I'll be meeting his kids and they'll probably be spending some of the nights at his place as well.

 

I've never been in a serious relationship with a man with kids, hardly even dated them. He says I'm only the second woman he's been with since his divorce 10 years ago that he'll be introducing to his kids, and he's never had a girlfriend staying at his place while the kids were there, since that other girlfriend lived in the same city.

 

Any tips on handling this well? I really like him and we're talking serious and long-term. My mentality thus far is that I'm the guest in the situation and will conduct myself accordingly. Beyond that, it's all new and I'll read up on how best to navigate the situation.

 

We'll be putting up a Christmas tree together, and I suggested we arrange a little party for us and his kids to decorate, have hot chocolate, etc. I think it will be a lot of fun to meet them - they seem great - just want to be prepared for anything.

Edited December 2, 2019 by Ruby Slippers

[d0nnivain]

Meet them like your would approach business colleagues: politely with a handshake (if the kids can manage that) Be warm & gracious but not obsequious. I would meet them 2-3 times before you engage in sleep overs.

[snowboy91]

My brother and I were around a similar age as the kids you describe when we first met my dad's new partner. I was OK with it from the start, but I still have a few suggestions

 

First thing is - make sure the kids actually know you're the new partner before you show up! My dad didn't tell me until after I met her - VERY poor form on his part.

 

Second - be warm and friendly, but treat them as adults (ie. on your level). You're meeting an extra two fully grown adults with their own opinions, and you need to respect that. There is a reasonable chance (though not guaranteed) that they will be cold at first - don't try and force the issue.

 

My brother was very uncomfortable for quite some time - and I still don't think he's comfortable even 4 years later. I was comfortable right off the bat but mainly because we had a lot in common so it was too hard to be cold!

[greymatter]

How long have you been dating him?

[Allupinnit]

You say this is a new boyfriend and you're already spending ALL of your free time and every night together...and now meeting the kids?

 

How new? A month???

 

I would personally wait until your new relationship has some legs under it, but that's me. You honestly don't know this guy very well, even if you think you do because of all the new relationship feels and great sex.

 

Aside from that, just treat them like you would meeting anyone else's kids. A friend. Kids bring a whole different dynamic to a relationship. You may not like how he parents his kids. Hell YOU may not like THEM. And the worst part is you won't be able to say anything or inject your opinion, because they're his and they're grown and they'll always come first.

 

I think you're in for a huge wake-up call. Kids are no picnic, grown or no.

 

Is there something in particular that you're worried about?

[preraph]

Don't try too hard and make yourself an easy target. Don't show fear. One kind of method I've used not on kids but people I know are tired of having to meet other people for their work, whether it's a client or a musician or author signing autographs, is I will lead with empathizing with them about having to meet people. "Well, THIS must really suck for you, having to talk to someone you barely know, huh?" in a laughing manner, not serious. If it's not too formal, you might think of something to wear that says something on it to start conversation, something that someone might comment on, a piece of jewelry, sneakers, whatever. Or bring your dog and hope they like dogs. You could find that out ahead of time. Just something to bond over that they can't resist.

[Ruby Slippers]

First thing is - make sure the kids actually know you're the new partner before you show up! My dad didn't tell me until after I met her - VERY poor form on his part.

Good advice. He's told them both about me, showed them our pictures. He said his son is a little jealous because he doesn't have a girlfriend, asked his dad for advice on how to get a girlfriend (haha), and his daughter said I'm "pretty and cool" and is looking forward to meeting me. She seems like a sweetheart, too. Seems good so far!

 

Second - be warm and friendly, but treat them as adults (ie. on your level). You're meeting an extra two fully grown adults with their own opinions, and you need to respect that. There is a reasonable chance (though not guaranteed) that they will be cold at first - don't try and force the issue.

Also good advice! I read a good article that says be like a cat, not a dog. Since they may have some feelings of wariness, as they might be slow to warm up to the new woman because they feel they need to be loyal to their mom first, be kind but neutral and let them come to you, rather than asserting yourself too much in effort to be friends.

 

As for the questions, I'm not concerned about our pace and neither is he. By this point, we both know quite clearly what we want and we enjoy doing everything together, from fun dates and trips to the most mundane things like making a quick lunch, cleaning the house, running errands. We're both lone wolf types who do fine on our own but are so much happier together. We spend the whole night asleep wrapped around each other like blankets. We've given each other every opportunity for time away or to ourselves, and neither of us wants it, as we simply enjoy being together a lot more

[alphamale]

ask your bf what both kids like and then go out and buy them meaningful gifts. give the gifts to them when you first meet them and ask them to open them. then you buy even better gifts for them to put under the tree

 

and be sure you're on your best behavior when you are staying with them...and watch the drinking.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

19 year old male and 23 year old female... A lot of this really depends on the dynamics the family shares... It is a lot of pressure, because your presence will change the dynamic... Maybe they'll feel threatened by you, maybe you'll get along...

 

But consider this, do you really think he gives a lot of thought to whether his grown children like his girlfriend?

 

I think you showing up and on day one, start looking for approval, I think you are setting yourself up for a fall doing that... Who gives a flying **** what his kids think about you? If they do not like you, I think the dynamic between you two stays exactly the same, but the overall HOUSE dynamic will definitely be different, so just make sure to give lots of space, put any requests you have of them through the boyfriend and allow him to take the heat and just let him lead.

 

I mean, at the same time, don't be rude, but if you have to be rude, just remember you could be spending a significant amount of time with these people in the future.

 

They have a mom, be his girlfriend.

[greymatter]

My tip is to wait a lot longer before meeting them, which I know you don't want to hear as you are already planning on going on a 2-week trip with him that includes adult children in the mix. You are caught up in the excitement of being in a brand new relationship and you don't know each other at all, when you have only been together for a few weeks. It's premature to throw yourself into the family mix this soon, especially during a holiday. But I hope it works out for you and that it is a positive experience for everyone, as much as possible.

[Ruby Slippers]

The tickets are bought, the trip is planned. I didn't throw myself in - I was invited in by him, and the kids seem very welcoming as well. I think they know that, like me, he's been looking for real love for a long time, and are happy for him to follow his heart. I'm not looking for judgment on my decision to accept the invite - just tips on meeting the kids.

 

alpha, great tip about the gifts. I loved your idea, communicated that intention, and he loved it, too.

 

The one negative story he told me about his ex-gf meeting the kids is they all went on an international trip together and his daughter and ex-gf both got peeved because they wanted to do something different on one day. I think my interpretation of it was correct: both women wanted to feel like they were getting the princess / preferential treatment. Typical for women. But a better approach would have been to give this hard-working dad/bf - the guy who paid for the trip, by the way - the prince's treatment for a change, and go along with his plan, which was to split the day between the two locations, or do one today and the other tomorrow.

 

I see myself as being the guest in the situation. They've known each other for 2 decades. We've known each other for a fraction of that time. I spend much more time with him than they do, since they live far away, and anytime it's the two of us he's happy to accommodate any of my desires and preferences, even goes out of his way to figure them out and deliver. He even said we "don't have to spend all our time with them," which was gracious, but I don't see it as "having" to do it.

 

As I see it, for the limited time when we're with his kids, their preferences will take priority and I'll enjoy whatever we do. I think it's this kind of grace that invites grace from the other side. I communicated this to him as well, and he seemed surprised, touched, and even more excited for us to meet.

Edited December 9, 2019 by Ruby Slippers

[fishlips]

It sounds like they are looking forward to meeting you. Of course it will be a little awkward at first, but it sounds like you have the right idea. I like Alphamale's idea of a small but thoughtful gift. You could ask your boyfriend what they like, or maybe make something for them. Do you bake or knit? Cookies or socks are always nice.

 

Good luck!

[Allupinnit]

Oh, @Ruby Slippers - you have SO much to learn.  Ask me how I know. :)

 

But I do wish the best of luck to you and hope all goes smoothly.

[Ruby Slippers]

Go ahead, enlighten me

[lurker74]

Honestly, @RubySlippers, just relax. The children are adults, perhaps a bit on the younger side of adults, but adults nonetheless. The only ways I see it being a problem are:

 

1. You're, like, 27 or something, which might make it really awkward (see Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)
2. You are so nervous that you come across as withdrawn or petty, especially if you insist on alone time to the exclusion of his kids
3. You have loud, raunchy sex while they are there.

Short of that, he's been divorced for ten years. Yes, they might have issues but if they do, they are their issues not yours. Be friendly and upbeat and have a good time and stop worrying about it. Sure, you could be broken up in a month but then again you might not be. Either way, it's not like they need you as a mother.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not worried. But I really like him, we're very serious, so I feel it's important to go into it with the right mentality. Some of the tips here have been helpful, and there could be more. 

[lana-banana]

The advice to treat them like colleagues is on the mark. If you buy them really nice gifts and are too friendly, they're going to think you're fake even if you're sincere. If you try to act like a mom they'll despise you. Just be polite and respectful and follow their lead.

 

The gifting part is harder. I would probably avoid gifts or get them simple things they'd like---books about their hobbies or something. Again, if you spend too much or get too detailed it'll look like you're trying to buy their affection. I could also see a "gift" like buying the whole family dinner for the night or something. Play it cool and you'll be fine.

[FMW]

Keep your eyes and ears open and "read the room".  As has been said, don't try too hard, but don't be too reserved either.  Follow the cues from their dad and pay attention to their reactions and respond accordingly.  

 

I'm horrible at gift ideas - I would ask their dad what they have liked in the past, what their hobbies are.  Hopefully you'll get ideas that way.  Amazon gift cards are a pretty safe way to go if you can't figure out anything else.  I think most people, young and old, are ok with gift cards as long as they aren't from their significant other.  

 

[Eternal Sunshine]

When you are older, you know yourself well enough to know what you want. Things naturally move at a quicker pace. Looking back on all my past relationships, there were red flags that I ignored within first few weeks of dating.

 

As for the kids, no advice - 23 and 19 year old would freak the hell out of me.

Edited December 10, 2019 by Eternal Sunshine

[Allupinnit]

I think I would just be prepared for anything.  I think it's a bit naive of you to explain how you would have handled the situation better than his ex, without having ever met the kids in the first place.  He could be completely trying to brush that "one negative situation" under the rug.  It's still VERY early days for you, yet.

 

Unless you've dated a man with kids (specifically a daughter) before, you don't know what it's like to start sharing your time, attention and money with your man's kids and a LOT of times also his ex-wife, and having to be A-ok with it.  You guys have been in your little honeymoon bubble this month or so.  

 

They're going to share stories about the past that have nothing to do with you, they're going to talk about "Mom" a lot, I mean I know you think you'll just be able to roll with it and be the totally hip new girlfriend with no issues but, just again be prepared for a lot of feelings you didn't know you had.

Edited December 10, 2019 by Allupinnit

[Ruby Slippers]

I'll certainly be true to myself, as always. For as wonderful as he is, I'm self-sufficient and don't "need" him, so I don't put up with anything that's not sitting well with me.

 

He's obviously the strong, rock-like provider who tends to put everybody's needs before his own. I noticed that while he provides for his kids' every need - and is beginning to do the same for me - he's wearing threadbare undershirts. I encouraged him to put himself first once in a while. He had a new pack in the back of the closet, and I suggested he throw away the ratty old ones. 

 

I found it sad that he would splurge on this lovely trip for the kids and girlfriend, and his girlfriend would give in to a silly squabble with the daughter that put a cloud over the trip. While neither woman should be demanding, I have the benefit of age/wisdom/experience, so I see myself as being more able to rise above the pettiness and get along for the greater good. And hopefully that sets the right example for the younger people in the equation.

[Allupinnit]

And how are you going to feel if he starts giving in to her every whim, regardless of what you want to do or how you feel, or how ridiculous she is being?  Some dads are like that with their little princesses.  Maybe the gf had had enough of it on that trip, or maybe they had one thing planned and the daughter decided she wanted something else last-minute... I'm just saying you don't know.

 

I'm sure he's a lovely well-meaning man; I just want you to be prepared for the dynamic that kids are going to bring your relationship.  THAT would be my main concern this early in with a boyfriend, not how to ensure they like me upon first meeting.

 

I always cringe a bit when women say things like, "Well I'm not going to be like THAT..." as if somehow pitting yourself against her subconsciously.  You don't have to be better than she is - maybe something just wasn't working in that scenario.  We're all imperfect and have emotional responses sometimes we know are beneath us.

Edited December 10, 2019 by Allupinnit

[Ruby Slippers]

Those are fair points. I'm sure it would get on my nerves if he indulged her every whim, princess style. But I know him to be a fair, reasonable person, so I don't foresee that happening. He's a provider for sure, but he's not a pushover.

 

I do get the sense from a few comments he's made that they are overly reliant on his wallet. With some sadness, he commented that his kids only call him when they need money. However, this is very typical of high-earning dads and their kids - I was best friends with a girl like this in high school.

 

At the same time, he has good boundaries. He told me she asked him to take her to an event that costs $140 per ticket, and he said no because it's too expensive. He wants to retire early (as do I), and you have to draw the line somewhere. Sounds fairly normal and reasonable for a dad-daughter relationship with his income and her upbringing. 

 

While I may feel an urge to comment on how he parents his kids or how much money he spends on them, it's not my place. He takes care of his business, makes more than enough time for me, is financially stable and strong, and is very generous with me, with time, affection, money, and everything he has. It would become my business if we were to marry. We've already had initial conversations about that, and we seem to be in alignment on the subject. 

 

So while I'm sure there will be some good lessons in all of this, I'm not worried. 

 

[elaine567]

Trouble is, you have no idea what these grown up kids are really like.
You can assume his ex "got it all wrong", but for all you know you may be entering into a huge trap where the goal is to get rid of Dad's gf, in the same way she did.

Divorce's .are hard on kids and he divorced when his daughter especially was at a crucial phase of her development, she just hit puberty.
Yes she may be a lovely girl, but she may still hold a lot of resentment and who better to take that out on but YOU.
Take nothing at face value, keep alert and keep you wits about you.
Personally I would forget the party to decorate the tree and the hot chocolate. It sounds a bit patronising, they are adults not little kids, and God knows what memories you may stir up and stamp all over...
Men can be pretty clueless about "feelings", so I would try to put myself into the kid's shoes, before you allow him to try to erase the bad times by stuffing you into his kid's faces.
You are "in love", he is "in love", the kids are not "in love" with anyone here.
Their take on Xmas and this trip may be vastly different from what you and he may assume... 
You seem to be in this for the long haul, do not try to run before you can walk.
Be careful, assume nothing.

[divegrl]

If the kids see you as a threat to their income stream or inheritance, things will get messy. 
 

Avoid telling the kids about any money or gifts he has given you. Do not tell them that he paid for your trip. 
 

The above poster is right... your walking into a dynamic that developed over decades. 
 

Take care my friend.