Allisondave61 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 My boyfriend of almost two years blatantly stares at other attractive women. His nerves and gestures are palpable. It’s disrespectful and disgusting. I’ve mentioned the hurt multiple times, him “agreeing” that he “stares too long,” “sometimes,” though calls me insecure and unrealistic other times. I’m not saying glances & appreciation for other women is bad, but it gets to a point where it’s like come on!! The other day I saw him stare at a female the entire time we were in a store and follow her out of the store while I was still in it. On my birthday he was constantly checking out a female sitting beside him, over and over. It’s obvious others pick up on it, and it’s SUPER embarrassing!!! I don’t get it. He says he “loves me,” requesting my preference on an engagement ring, pays for things, including family dinners with my family, and is wanting me to move in with him?? I will say... he is 40 & I am his longest relationship. We have a 10 year age difference, but sometimes I’m just OVER IT!
preraph Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Well whatever you do don't stay with him long enough to have kids with him. once they're teenagers he'll be staring at their little teenage girlfriends, and then you will have a problem. He's being a jerk. Just don't stay with someone disrespectful like that. He's crossing the line. don't let him try to tell you he can't control himself because if that's true there's something wrong with him bigger than just this issue. All he has to do is control his eyes. It's pervy.
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 He's a pig. Nothing you can say will change his boorish behavior. A causal glance at an attractive member of the opposite sex is one thing, as you acknowledge. Following somebody out of a store is unacceptable.
stillafool Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Can you imagine his reaction to good looking women when you aren't around? He's obvious with his stares and he will take it further. 1
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Should have kicked him to the curb at the first sign of this terrible behavior. He's a 40 year old pervert, and he isn't going to change. Send him down the road. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Yeah, this would be a deal breaker for me. Highly disrespectful. What keeps you from leaving him? 2
Author Allisondave61 Posted December 2, 2019 Author Posted December 2, 2019 Everything else about him is everything I want. It’s such a difficult position to be in, but obviously I am sacrificing my peace
schlumpy Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Is there something cultural going on or do you two more less share a similar background? If not, then you have a big choice to make because I don't think he can stop staring.
RecentChange Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Everything else about him is everything I want. It’s such a difficult position to be in, but obviously I am sacrificing my peace Really though? He is respectful of you in every other way yet will stare at a woman and follow her out of a store - as if he forgot you are there? How can he be respectful and attentive - yet somehow unable to control his wandering eyes - which are just a symptom of what he is thinking about. I don't know how someone can be attentive yet completely distracted by sexy women at the same time. 2
The Outlaw Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 He sounds like a former coworker of mine. If he really loves you, he wouldn't continue to stare at other women whether you are with him or not. Kick him to the curb. He isn't worth it. 1
TheFinalWord Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Men look. Women look. But there's a social restraint on when it crosses from a quick glance, to an obvious stare, basically undressing someone in your mind. Heck, I'm single and I don't stare at anyone like that. It's creepy. I would just tell him that it hurts you a lot and it's coming between the two of you. If he still disregards you, then I would leave someone too. Eventually some other girl is going to pick up on it and be down for what he obviously is day dreaming about. What would he do in that situation? I don't know, but I wouldn't trust a girl that was that blatant about it. It makes you wonder what they're like when you're not around. 2
basil67 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I'm finding it hard to reconcile a guy who's so emotionally clueless with a guy who otherwise meets all your needs. 4
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 (edited) I am by no means defending this guy, but just hear me out for a minute: As men, we have something called a Mojo... It is not anything physical, you know, we all remember the Austin Powers movie where homie drills out Austin's Mojo while he is frozen, it is nothing like that. Mojo is a psychological state that men have and when we are in that state of Mojo, we are at our highest level of confidence. We are walking around, standing tall, postured up, dressed and smelling as nice as our lifestyles allow us to. Why? Because we know, that confidence is attractive and when men, specifically men in relationships, begin to... Get comfortable, their confidence level gets diminished, because they are not out chatting up other women, talking and seeing other women, but are rather spending their time with you. When men ultimately lose their Mojo, it is because of complacency. Our hygiene begins to degrade. Our efforts become minimal to be attractive, because we are in a relationship. Point Blank, women find confidence attractive, so when a dude who WAS confident, is no longer confident, your attraction for that dude diminishes greatly, whether this dude is your boyfriend or not, it is what it is. So as men, it is part of our ****, to keep our Mojo alive and not become complacent. Men who are aware of their Mojo, will continually hit on other women when they are in a relationship, because these men know that they need to keep their Mojo in check, so that you, the girlfriend, will continue to find their confidence attractive. This is high level man brain we are talking about here, y'all women have no clue about this side of man brain, but it exists and a lot of men are completely unaware of Mojo; these men are unaware why their relationships last 6 months at a time, unaware why isolating themselves and allowing their Mojo to lapse is a bad idea. Mojo Maintenance is a real thing. Some men have natural Mojo and they do not ever leave their state of Mojo: I will tell you, I am not one of these men, and I came to understand Mojo from becoming complacent with my own Mojo in my relationships in the past. Will he cheat on you? I don't know, that is per individual and their choices that they choose to make... Myself, I engage other women all the time when I am in a relationship, not because I want to cheat, but because I want to maintain my Mojo, or my confidence. In Addition, if he is folliowing women out of a store while he is with you, what do you think he is doing when you are not around? I mean, even at your attempt to place a boundary on him, he simply continues to defy it, so what do you think is happening with the other boundaries? Myself, if a woman called me out on boundaries, I would be mindful enough to adhere in the future. This guy kinda sounds like a sleeze. Edited December 3, 2019 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT Addition
RecentChange Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Men do not have to hit on other women to maintain their relationship. Especially in front of their girlfriend. I don't know how following an attractive woman out of a store has anything to do with maintaining his confidence. Sorry not buying that one. Plenty of men are able to maintain long lasting relationships without sniffing around like a dog. My husband is in sales - he does just fine maintaining his confidence, grooming etc without acting in a rude and insulting way like staring at women. 1
Author Allisondave61 Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 He definitely has a “type,” and I don’t exactly fit that mold, that he is extremely attracted to. He states things like “you’re the only one to ever make me feel the way I do;” “I never thought about getting married to any other girlfriends until I met you;” asking me to look at engagement rings and asking multiple times within months for me to move in. It’s all very confusing, especially when I feel soooo disrespected. He’s previously compared me to the character in raging bull, played by Robert De Niro, stating “I take things out of context.” Things have been “fine” because I haven’t brought anything up. He does have unprocessed trauma and self - esteem concerns due to physical appearance, which I have attempted to take into consideration given the continued habit. I feel like we have a great connection otherwise, as dumb as that sounds. I mean he took a job in my home town, knowing that I wanted to move back to the area... it’s all really confusing.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Men do not have to hit on other women to maintain their relationship. Especially in front of their girlfriend. I don't know how following an attractive woman out of a store has anything to do with maintaining his confidence. Sorry not buying that one. Plenty of men are able to maintain long lasting relationships without sniffing around like a dog. My husband is in sales - he does just fine maintaining his confidence, grooming etc without acting in a rude and insulting way like staring at women. No need to get defensive about it though, if that is your situation, great, I am happy for you and you buying it or not is all good. I will say though, I have been in sales myself and doing that gave me all the Mojo I ever needed... Like, when you are selling a product, you are selling yourself, just as much, if not more, than the product, that is just part of the game. He definitely has a “type,” and I don’t exactly fit that mold, that he is extremely attracted to. He states things like “you’re the only one to ever make me feel the way I do;” “I never thought about getting married to any other girlfriends until I met you;” asking me to look at engagement rings and asking multiple times within months for me to move in. It’s all very confusing, especially when I feel soooo disrespected. He’s previously compared me to the character in raging bull, played by Robert De Niro, stating “I take things out of context.” Things have been “fine” because I haven’t brought anything up. He does have unprocessed trauma and self - esteem concerns due to physical appearance, which I have attempted to take into consideration given the continued habit. I feel like we have a great connection otherwise, as dumb as that sounds. I mean he took a job in my home town, knowing that I wanted to move back to the area... it’s all really confusing. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says... If he is genuine, the things he says should translate into the things he is doing. If you see a disconnect between the things he has to say and the things he does, yeah, that is a big problem.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Men look. Women look. But there's a social restraint on when it crosses from a quick glance, to an obvious stare, basically undressing someone in your mind. Heck, I'm single and I don't stare at anyone like that. It's creepy. I would just tell him that it hurts you a lot and it's coming between the two of you. If he still disregards you, then I would leave someone too. Eventually some other girl is going to pick up on it and be down for what he obviously is day dreaming about. What would he do in that situation? I don't know, but I wouldn't trust a girl that was that blatant about it. It makes you wonder what they're like when you're not around. This! I think you need to do some serious soul searching as to why you continue to put up with it. This is a serious character flaw by anyone's measurement. As mentioned by more than one person on here, if he's this blatant in front of you, I can't even image how he behaves without you around.
Author Allisondave61 Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 I greatly appreciate everyone comments on my previous posts (as seen below). I want to talk to him about this again. The only thing is that I’ve been “ignoring” this behavior for multiple months not wanting to “start anything.” Any advice for how to begin this discussion. I know I’m going to be called immature, low self - esteem, etc. I’m nervous, but I believe my concerns are valid, but I feel like he will say this is “out of the blue, I’m imagining things.” I don’t know why I can’t just break up with him, I wouldn’t want this for anyone else. I don’t understand at all... I mean he’s moved to be closer to me? My boyfriend of almost two years blatantly stares at other attractive women. His nerves and gestures are palpable. It’s disrespectful and disgusting. I’ve mentioned the hurt multiple times, him “agreeing” that he “stares too long,” “sometimes,” though calls me insecure and unrealistic other times. I’m not saying glances & appreciation for other women is bad, but it gets to a point where it’s like come on!! The other day I saw him stare at a female the entire time we were in a store and follow her out of the store while I was still in it. On my birthday he was constantly checking out a female sitting beside him, over and over. It’s obvious others pick up on it, and it’s SUPER embarrassing!!! I don’t get it. He says he “loves me,” requesting my preference on an engagement ring, pays for things, including family dinners with my family, and is wanting me to move in with him?? I will say... he is 40 & I am his longest relationship. We have a 10 year age difference, but sometimes I’m just OVER IT! He definitely has a “type,” and I don’t exactly fit that mold, that he is extremely attracted to. He states things like “you’re the only one to ever make me feel the way I do;” “I never thought about getting married to any other girlfriends until I met you;” asking me to look at engagement rings and asking multiple times within months for me to move in. It’s all very confusing, especially when I feel soooo disrespected. He’s previously compared me to the character in raging bull, played by Robert De Niro, stating “I take things out of context.” Things have been “fine” because I haven’t brought anything up. He does have unprocessed trauma and self - esteem concerns due to physical appearance, which I have attempted to take into consideration given the continued habit. I feel like we have a great connection otherwise, as dumb as that sounds. I mean he took a job in my home town, knowing that I wanted to move back to the area... he treats my family great, he’s attentive...it’s all really confusing.
Mark1123 Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Hey @ allisondave61, So glad that you have logged in to seek support I read your post a few times, I could almost feel how frustrating this is for you, and have come up with some questions for you to ask yourself in examination of what action you desire. (remember, all the advice in the world is good for examination but not dictation). Do you feel wholeheartedly loved by this man? Is this the kind of marriage you feel you can live with? Are you proud of these actions while he is with you? Does this behavior make you feel appreciated and respected? What do you imagine his behavior is like when you are not around? How do you define love (by words or actions)? What kinds of words? What kind of actions? Do you feel heard, loved, and validated when you address this concern? These are just starting points for you. I strongly encourage you to write them down, write down your answers, and review them. Think about it and even better, pray about it! Only you have to live with this and only you know what you are willing to accept for yourself. Praying for you! My boyfriend of almost two years blatantly stares at other attractive women. His nerves and gestures are palpable. It’s disrespectful and disgusting. I’ve mentioned the hurt multiple times, him “agreeing” that he “stares too long,” “sometimes,” though calls me insecure and unrealistic other times. I’m not saying glances & appreciation for other women is bad, but it gets to a point where it’s like come on!! The other day I saw him stare at a female the entire time we were in a store and follow her out of the store while I was still in it. On my birthday he was constantly checking out a female sitting beside him, over and over. It’s obvious others pick up on it, and it’s SUPER embarrassing!!! I don’t get it. He says he “loves me,” requesting my preference on an engagement ring, pays for things, including family dinners with my family, and is wanting me to move in with him?? I will say... he is 40 & I am his longest relationship. We have a 10 year age difference, but sometimes I’m just OVER IT!
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