Missy Love Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I've been seeing this guy pretty consistently for a couple of months, and things had been going very well. Strong chemistry, would see each other a few times per week, and communicate throughout the day. I was very much feeling a strong connection, and he had told me that he very much liked me but wanted to take things slow. Our dates were pretty involved too, some lasting for 12 hours, with us sharing a lot with one another. He would always text me afterwards and tell me how much he liked me and couldn't wait to see me again. There was even talk about the future, such as visiting each other's childhood homes. Unfortunately, I recently learned that he's been in a long distance relationship with someone else. However, he told me that it isn't committed, it's ending, and that he felt it was irrelevant to our connection since he and I were just getting to know each other. We weren't exclusive or anything, but I can't help but feel hurt by all of this. I guess I was thinking this would lead to a relationship, and now feel at a complete loss at what to do.
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 How did you learn he's involved with someone else? 1
Author Missy Love Posted December 2, 2019 Author Posted December 2, 2019 I asked him if he was seeing anyone else, and he shared.
basil67 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I guess the decision of what to do needs to start with you figuring out if you want to get past his lying by omission. Honestly, while it's one thing to casually date a couple of new people at the same time, it's something else altogether to cheat on the long distance one with a new person who knows nothing about it. Anyway, if you decide that you might get past it, then the next point is a discussion with him. And you'd want to make sure that you and he have the same view about how he went into this. If he doesn't understand why you're hurt, then don't continue with him.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I don't think this speaks to his character very well, OP. He has a girlfriend. My guess is she doesn't know he is dating others to find her replacement - or, she has been the one pulling away and he is hoping dating others will take his mind off of her. Either way, it sounds messy. It "is ending" is not the same as "it already ended." Getting involved with a guy who hasn't even gone through the break-up yet sounds like a recipe for disaster for your heart. I would personally tell him I don't date other women's boyfriends and bow out.
TheFinalWord Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 (edited) You brought up exclusivity, but did you ask him for that? If that's what you wanted, you should have told him that you want exclusivity and is he ready to give you that. If he's not, then you may want to part ways. But your situation brings up an important point. I think once it gets to a point you are getting physical with someone, you have a right to ask if they are dating other people. I would say if you are getting feelings for someone, it's okay to ask. I would. There is this weird thing in today's dating world where people think it's off limits to ask the person you are dating if they are dating other people, since you aren't exclusive. I think you should ask if you are catching feelings, and have a right know if you are getting physical. In today's dating world, you have to guard your heart. Edited December 2, 2019 by TheFinalWord 2
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Yes we can dismiss the LDR as being "not serious", but some LDRs are very serious and this guy is in fact cheating on his gf with the OP. His relationship has not "ended" and the assertion that it is "ending" may not be the impression his gf is getting from him. One needs to be very careful with cheaters as cheaters lie and cheater will say just about anything to justify cheating.
PegNosePete Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 We weren't exclusive or anything Then why are you expecting exclusivity from him? He told you the other relationship isn't committed either and it's "ending" (whatever that means?? It's either over or it's not, no such thing as "ending"). If you want commitment and exclusivity then you should talk about that. Expecting him to date you exclusively via some kind of telepathic connection is unrealistic... 1
schlumpy Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Has he met the other girl that he is having an LDR with? Does he have plans to? If not, then it's a fantasy romance and its a nuisance and not a threat but that doesn't mean he gets to keep her if he wants to be with you.
Legatus Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 You brought up exclusivity, but did you ask him for that? If that's what you wanted, you should have told him that you want exclusivity and is he ready to give you that. If he's not, then you may want to part ways. But your situation brings up an important point. I think once it gets to a point you are getting physical with someone, you have a right to ask if they are dating other people. I would say if you are getting feelings for someone, it's okay to ask. I would. There is this weird thing in today's dating world where people think it's off limits to ask the person you are dating if they are dating other people, since you aren't exclusive. I think you should ask if you are catching feelings, and have a right know if you are getting physical. In today's dating world, you have to guard your heart. I totally agree. Not only it's okay to ask when either party develops feelings or things get physical, sometimes it's just as easy as dropping a hint here and there to either let somebody know you're not seeing anybody or vice versa. Last time I was asked indirectly on a first date. She didn't ask me for exclusivity but was curious whether she is the only one I focus on or not. I answered honestly and that's it. Of course he is a cheater but that is his moral compass. You probably made a mistake of not having an exclusivity talk when things got serious and that's why your hurt is bigger now. The problem for me now is whether he does feel a special bond with you that would drive him to do this or is this his pattern... 1
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 When you asked he told you the truth. You waited too long to ask. You admit you are not exclusive. If you suspect he's cheating, then break up with him & tell him to come back to you when he's well & truly done with the LDR. 1
hippychick3 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Is this the guy who lied to you saying he was on vacation with his family? And then he lied by saying he actually went away with a former girlfriend to end their relationship? You already got advice to end it as he has proven himself to be a liar and a cheater. If you choose to continue to see him, be prepared to be further lied to and cheated on as well. 6
kendahke Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I recently learned that he's been in a long distance relationship with someone else. However, he told me that it isn't committed, it's ending, and that he felt it was irrelevant to our connection since he and I were just getting to know each other. We weren't exclusive or anything, but I can't help but feel hurt by all of this. I guess I was thinking this would lead to a relationship, and now feel at a complete loss at what to do. When he was first talking to you, what exactly did he tell you about his availability to be in a relationship with you? No, you weren't exclusive, but him lying by omission (omitting the fact that he's in a relationship that isn't done and over) should be a huge, neon red waving flag in your face. It's not up to him to decide what is or isn't relevant for/to you about his actions. I'd tell him when he's well and free of his girlfriend, to give you a call---and you go on and move on with your life and don't wait for him. He brought it to you messy--let him go clean up his mess.
lurker74 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 As others have pointed out, it really doesn't matter that much that you weren't exclusive. It matters that he was apparently in some sort of committed LDR and did not honor that relationship. So the fact that it's ending isn't the issue; when he decided to cheat, of course that put that relationship on the path toward ending. The issue is that he never told you. So he cloaks himself in the "honesty" that he told you when you asked, but that's not integrity, that's 20 questions. What is also interesting is that in the intervening 60 days, you never asked is he was in a relationship. It's possible that you just didn't care or didn't want to know, but it's also very likely that he subtly hinted that he was available. So now you have a choice: how important is integrity to you? 1
TheFinalWord Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 OP, can you clarify, is the long distance person a relationship or someone he's talking to? You say it's a relationship, but you also said it's not a committed relationship. Is he dating/talking to this person or are they in an exclusive relationship with this person and he is ending it. These are two totally different scenarios. Is he cheating with you?
Author Missy Love Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 He said it’s someone he’s been connected with for a couple years, but it’s not serious, and they’re concluding this year.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 He said it’s someone he’s been connected with for a couple years, but it’s not serious, and they’re concluding this year. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why has that not already happened? Who plans to "conclude" with their partner on a given time-frame? I think there's more he's not sharing about this relationship. Either way, I wouldn't bother to continue seeing someone who is any type of relationship with someone else. If he's not already totally single, I would keep looking.
Author Missy Love Posted December 13, 2019 Author Posted December 13, 2019 He has apologized for not being more honest. Told me that he knows that she isn't the right person, but hasn't broken it off yet. He said that he's not quite ready for a new commitment, but hopes we can remain friends. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 red flag. stay away from this one. someone who jumps from relationship to another relationship before or during or just right after one ends... isn't in the right place for a new relationship. and it seems you're rebound, best case scenario. it may hurt now, but be glad you weren't more involved with him where the pain would be much worse. protect yourself.
Watercolors Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 So many red flags with this one: -Love bombing you via text and the long dates very early into meeting you. -Future talk (this is a huge red flag b/c its how he tries to 'hook' you emotionally, so he doesn't have to invest the time getting to know you; it's an immediate gratification thing with emotionally immature men) -multi-dating and not telling you that he is (doesn't matter if he isn't exclusive w/you or w/her; he lied to you both about each other's presence so he's a liar) You need to have stronger boundaries early on with men. You need to familiarize yourself with all of the red flags that comes with dating someone, and then learn how to speak up for yourself when you spot a red flag, as opposed to waiting for the other person to anticipate your needs and take care of them. It does sound like this guy doesn't know what he wants and is multi-dating women everywhere. Extract yourself from him now. Yes, it will be difficult if you feel attached. But that attachment is not reciprocated (unfortunately) by him. Don't fall for his "let's be friends" platitude. Most of the time, men don't even mean that. Why would you want to be friends with a man who has rejected you anyway? 1
Author Missy Love Posted December 13, 2019 Author Posted December 13, 2019 What are some ways to speak up for oneself early on in the dating process? 1
kendahke Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 (edited) On 12/2/2019 at 10:14 PM, Missy Love said: He said it’s someone he’s been connected with for a couple years, but it’s not serious, and they’re concluding this year. A couple of years? Girl this isn't ending anytime soon. If it was pointless, he'd have ended it when he met you. Quote He said that he's not quite ready for a new commitment, but hopes we can remain friends. Translation: Imma do you just like I did her. Edited December 13, 2019 by kendahke
Watercolors Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 21 minutes ago, Missy Love said: What are some ways to speak up for oneself early on in the dating process? Well, to start with, practice stating what your boundaries are. By boundaries, I mean what you will/won't allow. "I'm not interested in dating multiple people." "I think we are moving too fast." "I don't like texting. I prefer phone calls." "Are you seeing anyone else? Do you want to be exclusive?" It's about learning to ask questions at the right time, and, learning how to state what you need, or what you would like, from the other person. Does that mean they will listen? Nope. Does that mean they will respect you for asking/stating your needs? Nope. The wrong guys will push-back, play the hot-n-cold game with you. The right types of guys who are emotionally available won't be as deflective, and will be more accommodating and reasonable and reciprocative.
PRW Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 On 12/2/2019 at 12:37 AM, Missy Love said: Quote but wanted to take things slow. Great, but that isn't what I am seeing. see each other a few times per week, and communicate throughout the day. Our dates were pretty involved too, some lasting for 12 hours, with us sharing a lot with one another. There was even talk about the future, such as visiting each other's childhood homes. These are all things that say you aren't taking it slow. Quote However, he told me that it isn't committed, it's ending, and that he felt it was irrelevant to our connection since he and I were just getting to know each other. We weren't exclusive or anything, but I can't help but feel hurt by all of this. I guess I was thinking this would lead to a relationship, and now feel at a complete loss at what to do. You are feeling this way because you didn't take things slow. That is probably why he went out of his way to indicate to you he wanted to take it slow,...because he saw the pattern developing. When you are not exclusive you are both free to see other people and you should not flaunt it or rub it in each other's faces. He sounds like he played it close to the vest, but he didn't lie or hide it when the subject came up,... which was good on his part. I don't see him doing anything wrong here.
2BGoodAgain Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 39 minutes ago, PRW said: Great, but that isn't what I am seeing. see each other a few times per week, and communicate throughout the day. Our dates were pretty involved too, some lasting for 12 hours, with us sharing a lot with one another. There was even talk about the future, such as visiting each other's childhood homes. These are all things that say you aren't taking it slow. You are feeling this way because you didn't take things slow. That is probably why he went out of his way to indicate to you he wanted to take it slow,...because he saw the pattern developing. When you are not exclusive you are both free to see other people and you should not flaunt it or rub it in each other's faces. He sounds like he played it close to the vest, but he didn't lie or hide it when the subject came up,... which was good on his part. I don't see him doing anything wrong here. omission of facts is a lie... not volunteering information is a great tactic for a liar.. it makes it appear like youre honest, but really you aren't. I've played that game often. also, if she didn't ask it, that's on her too... but it takes 2 people to do all the things above... while it was happening, he didn't withdraw or slow it down... it wasn't until he got found out, asked, and he had to actually answer... and prob had to choose... he started putting up "let's be friends" bit. guys like him play this game like, it's all on you b/c i didn't "technically" lie or you're the one putting this all on me... but he went along with it as well... only a player does that things above and blame the woman for overreacting... as if he had no choice in the matter and was somehow forced into it. it's a game, they play. 1
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