john9999 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I am a 53 year old male. Just had a first date in about 30 minutes ago. Everything was great except that she seem to make a big deal over the fact that I don’t drink. I had a problem as a teenager and I’ve been clean and sober for 34 years. She said she likes to go to wine tastings in Napa and would want her guy to enjoy that with her. This is not the first time this has been a No-go issue for me with some women. So here’s the question. Do I bring this up before a first date? And just get it out-of-the-way so that if it’s a problem we don’t do the first date and waste time and money?
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 If I were in your place I think I would tell the women because it's been an issue for you several times. I'd think you'd want to find someone to date who doesn't drink. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I am a 53 year old male. Just had a first date in about 30 minutes ago. Everything was great except that she seem to make a big deal over the fact that I don’t drink. I had a problem as a teenager and I’ve been clean and sober for 34 years. She said she likes to go to wine tastings in Napa and would want her guy to enjoy that with her. This is not the first time this has been a No-go issue for me with some women. So here’s the question. Do I bring this up before a first date? And just get it out-of-the-way so that if it’s a problem we don’t do the first date and waste time and money? Yes, I would absolutely tell people this before a first date (or put it in your dating profile if you are doing online dating). I would not want to date a man who does not drink at all. I like wine tastings, wine festivals, etc. 3
Author john9999 Posted December 2, 2019 Author Posted December 2, 2019 Yes, I would absolutely tell people this before a first date (or put it in your dating profile if you are doing online dating). I would not want to date a man who does not drink at all. I like wine tastings, wine festivals, etc. Yes it is in my profile. But of course nobody reads that 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Yes it is in my profile. But of course nobody reads that Well, that's on them. You do not need to do more than that. 1
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I don't drink either, I have been on many different dates, has never been an issue for me and I'm 30. I like women who make a lot of money, me not drinking is almost always a bonus in their eyes.
CLS63AMG Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 If you're using dating sites you can search for non drinkers, I'd do that. 1
Art_Critic Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I've been sober for 32+ years. When I was dating I never made a big deal out of it because it wasn't a big deal, if someone doesn't drink Tea is that a big deal ? no... I think when it becomes more than it really is to someone they feel they have to tippy toe around the Alcoholic and if they don't they will drink... NOT SO for the truly sober. I will say that wine tasting is something someone who doesn't drink won't be able to participate in, I never have and never would.. in fact I don't think I have ever tasted wine before. There isn't any way around that one and it would be up to her if it was a deal breaker and it seems it was.. no biggie, if you activate someones deal breaker then just move on, they set the boundary and good for them.. I think after 34 years of sobriety a person you are dating should not have an issue with you not being a drinker providing it doesn't impede in their fun. I never push my views of why I don't drink onto others.. I also think if you start telling someone up front right away that you don't drink other than it being in your profile then I think it would make for an orange flag for a woman to pick up on because it seems it would still be an issue for you. 2 pennies...
cre8r Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 To each his own, live and let live. I don't even see a reason to put it in a dating profile. Or else just open up that can of worms and list every single one of your likes and dislikes so you don't surprise any future dates. Just make sure you don't forget anything.
Ellener Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I'm also 53 john9999 and I do not drink either. Or smoke. Or eat fast food. I think these are the kind of things come up on early dates and help decide whether a relationship will proceed. And that's not about whether someone has the exact same lifestyle so much as whether two people's lifestyles can marry up, I mean a person can always go to a wine tasting alone or with a friend, and share other activities with a partner, but if a person has a fantasy of 'I must do this particular thing with my partner'- it won't work. I live a healthy lifestyle ( I have diabetes ) and yes there are people who can't get their head around it & still invite me to eat and drink things I don't, but I politely refuse then change the subject. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 This is not the first time this has been a No-go issue for me with some women. So here’s the question. Do I bring this up before a first date? And just get it out-of-the-way so that if it’s a problem we don’t do the first date and waste time and money? I'm sorry this woman was awful about it. It is on her that she didn't read your profile. However because you had this problem in the past more then once with people not being OK with your choices, I would mention it in conversation before meeting and spending time / money. It's a weird thing. I don't drink if I drive, not even one. I was going on my 1st OLD date ever & the guy mentioned something about getting a few drinks. The place was about an hour away from me so I explained that I was fine with that as long as he didn't mind me drinking soft drinks because I had to drive; he was taking public transportation. He said sure that he doesn't really drink anyway. Whatever. So we get there & during the 1/2 hour we waited for our table in this crowded restaurant he downed 3 martinis! Now normally I don't care what people drink but that is a lot of booze in a really short time for somebody who claims not to drink. If he had one & then something to drink with dinner it wouldn't have even registered on my radar. As it was we started the date with me thinking he can't be trusted. It got worse from there but that is another story. 1
Twizzlestick Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 No, do not put this on your profile or blurt it out. Bring it up granted if asked in a natural way but when you feel YOU want to. I don’t drink myself. You do not have to justify yourself to these people. To do so rather suggests not imbibing is a human flaw and something ethically lacking in yourself that needs justification. Which lets be honest, is utterly bonkers. IT IS NOT the same as something you really should disclose, for example “I’m an ex convict” where a potential date could say “I wish you’d told me”. They have no right for info ownership out of you ahead of time. Do people blurt out they hate mushrooms? No. Do women always write they don’t like cinema in their profiles? No. If it’s not a biggie for you don’t fall into the trap of treating it like a biggie for other folk’s benefit. The time you bring it up early is for yourself to weed out those for whom it’s a problem. And do that at your choosing. It’s firmly on them if it is. I personally wouldn’t be bothered with trying to persue a rele where alcohol was a deal breaker. It’s barmy where your choice to not choose a liquid drug is a triangulating point over a potential life of love. But that’s what some folk are like. 1
lurker74 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 ^I disagree, Twizzle. Drinking alcohol is a VERY common thing in dating. I would venture to guess that 80%+ first dates are over drinks. But even that is understating it; whether you drink or not, the majority of people do and many romantic things center around drinking, such as wine/beer tasting, cocktails out, and the like. To me, it's like being a vegan; I would want to know before I dated you that we would have to choose restaurants very carefully. I don't think that's judging. I indicated in my OLD that I don't use drugs and I don't feel judged by that. And... I like women who make a lot of money, me not drinking is almost always a bonus in their eyes. Just curious, but does liking women who make a lot of money have to do with them liking that you don't drink? 1
alphamale Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I would tell the women up front that you don't partake of alcohol. mainly because many women consider men who don't drink as boring and conservative
FMW Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I would bring it up at the first natural opening to do so. For many people, drinking is a part of their regular social activities and might be something that would be an issue along the way for both of you. It's great that you've made a responsible decision to not drink based on your experience with alcohol. You would probably be happier with women who don't drink anyway, so that should probably be something high on your list of criteria for choosing dates.
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 If it is on your profile I doubt she didn't read it, she probably thought it meant you do not regularly get drunk, not that alcohol does not pass your lips ever. She likely also "doesn't drink" but still enjoys the wine tasting at Napa...
alphamale Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 If it is on your profile I doubt she didn't read it, she probably thought it meant you do not regularly get drunk, not that alcohol does not pass your lips ever. She likely also "doesn't drink" but still enjoys the wine tasting at Napa... or she's a raging alcoholic looking for a partner in crime? 1
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 This will always be a sticky topic for some. And yes there will be a few ignorant people that just assumes everyone drinks. So you both had a crappy date. The truth is there will be other crappy dates for various reasons, the drinking part was just one of them. It is what it is. How to avoid this from happening again? Sure you can mention it before you ask them out, or just be blunt and ask them if it would be an issues for them. No different than someone that doesn't want to date a person who drinks alcohol, or smokes, or smokes weed, etc. 1
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 or she's a raging alcoholic looking for a partner in crime? If she was a raging alcoholic looking for a partner in crime then the "I don't drink" on his profile would surely have put her off... No? 2
alphamale Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 If she was a raging alcoholic looking for a partner in crime then the "I don't drink" on his profile would surely have put her off... No? but she didn't read the profile
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 but she didn't read the profile How do you know? And a person who likes wine tasting events cannot surely be called a alcoholic... I have a feeling the woman could have used it as an excuse to not see the OP again. "You are a great guy, but as you do not ever drink we are obviously incompatible..."
Ellener Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 On the match.com OLD there's an option for drinking ( and smoking and now cannabis ) says never. Quite a lot of people seem to check it. I'm surprised if loads of people drink on first dates, I wouldn't want to be drinking with a stranger for several reasons! A man called me a few weeks ago and I felt he was under the influence ( of pot not alcohol ) it put me off though we did have other things and mutual friends in common, he was slurring his words a bit.
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I think some people are obviously alcoholics, but some people feel they need to take the edge off their nerves by having a drink socially. it doesn't mean they are alcoholics. Yes slurred speech can be due to XS alcohol but not necessarily and any speech issue a person may have can be made worse by the high stress environment of dating.
Twizzlestick Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 (edited) ^I disagree, Twizzle. Drinking alcohol is a VERY common thing in dating. I would venture to guess that 80%+ first dates are over drinks. But even that is understating it; whether you drink or not, the majority of people do and many romantic things center around drinking, such as wine/beer tasting, cocktails out, and the like. To me, it's like being a vegan; I would want to know before I dated you that we would have to choose restaurants very carefully. I don't think that's judging. I indicated in my OLD that I don't use drugs and I don't feel judged by that. And... Just curious, but does liking women who make a lot of money have to do with them liking that you don't drink? My own position (and it’s all different points of view) is I respectfully disagree because the above at the root infers not drinking somehow stops someone else drinking, or curtails a perusit they enjoy. And on that basis needs to be volunteered at the earliest opportunity. This is not the case. And your example re vegans doesn’t marry up as a comparison, as their choices in that example affect your choice of restaurant. Whereas my not drinking does not - or shouldn’t affect anything. I dont drink but can while away the time as happy as anyone in a bar in the company of someone that does and it therefore should not have any bearing on someone who chooses to. They can still have a great party night out with me. I certaonly DO NOT feel obligated I “should” volunteer this to anyone ahead of time. That’s my choice. It’s not even comparable to say if someone didn’t like cinema. That is different. as it would stop my enjoyment of cinema if they didn’t want to go with me. Whereas in this case we can still hit the bars and party. It’s just I won’t be drinking alcohol. So it doesn’t change what they enjoy. If they ask, I’ll naturally say I don’t drink. If it’s a game changer for them then so be it. I’ve had many a decent date with folk who recognise that someone not personally choosing something doesn’t stop them enjoying it and they’re able to make this distinction. For some they “need” the other person to drink, then well, we aren’t a match made in heaven. And that’s their choice to seek such partners , as is mine to not feel compelled or guilted into making a deal out of something on a profile that I don’t feel the need to. Personally. I suspect at the kernel of this for those that “need” their partner to drink, all the logical reasons like still both going out and enjoying a night don’t really answer what is actually motivating their discord - the real issue, in that they want their partner to get messed up with them, or they have a hang up about drinking and don’t want to do it around someone “sober”. All of which doesn’t go through my head. It’s their hang up. But largely points to them. There can be no other reason as if I’m on OJ and they’re on wine and we’re still laughing and having a great night down the bar then what is it that is really bothering them? You lost me with the income thing, I didn’t mention income in my post? Edited December 2, 2019 by Twizzlestick
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 There is no way I would date a non drinking vegan lol. 3
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