he doesn't want me dating his friend but doesn't want to date me

[hey120285]

just to provide some context. basically I dated this guy, let's call him H, for three weeks but he ended it with me because he believes we're too different (me too shy, him too confident) which is fair enough. however, one night he got really drunk and we kissed and he told me that he actually ended things because he likes someone who is more experienced/confident in bed, and that he could possibly see us dating in the future. this was a while ago, and he's told me he regrets kissing me which again is fine. we're pretty much best friends now, we talk every day, see each other most days, go out for lunch etc etc, as well as a lot of cuddling/holding hands whilst hanging out. he's told me repeatedly that he doesn't like me and he just sees me as a friend, but sometimes when he gets drunk he tells me that he's still attracted to me but doesn't want to get with me because a relationship between the two of us would never work, but he feels like we push the boundaries of friendship and he couldn't date me because he now sees me too much as a friend. his feelings seem to change from day to day because he's also told me (whilst drunk) that he doesn't know how he feels about me but he always repeats to me and to all of our friends that we're only friends, and that's all we'll ever be, although I feel like there's been a couple of moments where we were close to kissing (but that could be just me lol).

 

anyway!! that was a lot of context, sorry lol. so anyway, H has a friend and he told me he can tell that I like his friend, so he offered to set us up. told his friend, let's call him S, to message me and that I like him. H told me how happy he'd be if we got together because we're both his best friends. so, the other night, S and I get off with each other and start talking online. suddenly I have H messaging me telling me that it's not OK and that he hates it and doesn't want it to happen (even though he was the one who put the idea in his friend's head?!) because he feels like he'll lose us both as friends and doesn't want his and I's friendship to change as he feels we'd be less close, unable to do stuff like late night walks and hugging in bed (which he always tells me is totally meaningless). I do like his friend but I agreed to not talk to him out of respect for H as it was upsetting him a lot.

 

agh idk I guess I just want people's opinions on the situation! should I talk to H about me talking to his friend again or should I just leave it? and I'm also confused as to how H really feels, I know he tells me all the time we're only friends, but our relationship feels as if we're almost like a couple without the romantic aspect lol

 

thanks! sorry for the crazy long post.

[TheFinalWord]

Sounds like a lot of drama. There are a million other men out there, I would recommend to avoid all of that. There's already drama and you haven't even been on one date yet. Would you want a guy you dated, dating one of your good friends?

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Without boundaries, friendship is not friendship.

 

If you are struggling to entertain boundaries with an individual, drinking with them is probably just going to create bigger problems and this is something you seem fine with.

 

Furthermore, the other party seems perfectly fine with being drunk around you, even though from what you have said, he is the person putting up boundaries.

 

You sound like a woman who does not get a lot of male attention, or the attention you do get is stifled by boundaries.. You need to find an outlet outside of this dynamic you have going on here, so you can clear your head and think straight... Start dating some random guy from online, lay him if you need to, then once you have done that, explore this dynamic again.

 

I will say, ending a relationship amicably as an adult is really not that hard of a thing to do, so if the person is scared to date you because they will lose you as a friend, that speaks volumes about their skills in having/maintaining a relationship and they are probably right to put a boundary up, but the point of a boundary is not to flirt with it.

[preraph]

Normally I wouldn't breathe with someone in his position, but it sounds like he's been a bit of a dick. I think he's also gaslighting you about how he wants someone more experienced and that he's actually very inexperienced and fearful. So I don't know what he's waiting for, but don't like his game. I can't see it working out with you and his friend because of the drama. Because if his friend knows he likes you and goes out with you anyway that means he's not a very good person. If I were you I think I'd dump them both and start fresh.

[Versacehottie]

He doesn't own you.

 

You should do what you want to do.

 

You might lose H as a friend but looks like you will gain a boyfriend who cares about you potentially in S. You also might shake things up enough that H will come to his senses about you. Your friendship with H will change no matter who you date. H just wants things both ways--which is bad for YOU.

 

I think ESPECIALLY because he does not see you as confident and exciting that you should date S or not do what he says. It sounds like he is controlling over you and both likes it but not enough to date you. Ugh. Girl, no.

 

For 1 million reasons, do what you want to do. I think for now you should date S or do your own thing. Acting in accordances with H's wishes will not win you H. Doing your own thing MIGHT. At the very least it will give you a real chance at a boyfriend and to not be in the limbo or set up to be crushed when H dates some other girl besides you. Good luck

[ajequals]

He has stated what he wanted in your relationship. You need to be happy and not strung along as he's attempting to do with you ..Do what's best for you. make yourself happy with who ever that might be.

[ExpatInItaly]

This H person is not really your friend, OP.

 

He likes your company and attention, but I feel he's taking advantage of your feelings for him because he knows you're an easy source of entertainment when he's bored or wants female companionship. My strong sense is that he would leave you in the dust when he starts dating someone else, and he's upset that you might actually move on before he does.

 

A true friend wouldn't blur the lines like this, wouldn't try to set you up with someone and then change the goalposts when it doesn't suit their own needs.

 

I think you really need to take a lot of space from H, and pursue whomever you choose. He doesn't have your best interests in mind here.

[elaine567]

Opposite sex, cuddle buddy friends like this are a complete waste of your time.

 

As you have found, H cannot bear his position in your life being upstaged by some other guy.

He probably thought his friend would be a good option, as he(H) would still occupy a "special" place in the middle of the two of you, but soon realised he would just be the gooseberry...

He is actually "mate guarding", but he is not your "mate" so he doesn't get that privilege.

 

You only have a small window to get out there and meet significant men, so forget about this guy, he is sabotaging your chances.

He doesn't actually want to date you but is doing is best to make sure he keeps you as his personal support system.

 

You are hanging around thinking "one day" he will change his mind,

BUT "one day" H will meet a girl he really wants and he will drop you like a hot potato as his gf will not put up with you and him being bffs, and he won't need you any more...

 

When guys reject you, walk away, no good ever comes of hanging around waiting for them to change their mind.

[salparadise]

H is not good for you. He wants to enjoy some of the benefits of a relationship, to keep you tied up and available to him, while not giving you much of anything. I think he's probably an emotional cripple, scared to death to allow himself to feel anything more than a distant fondness. I don't think it's fixable, or that you should indulge him. I think you should set firm boundaries on how much access he has to your time, attention, etc. Hold him at arm's length, a long arm's length.

 

As for dating S, if the two of you are drawn to each other then go for it. It's not H's choice, it's preposterous that he'd try to orchestrate what the two of you can or cannot do, and the fact that he introduced you doesn't change that. However, don't date S just because he exists.

 

The question I have is, why do you leave us with the impression that these are the only two men in the universe? What I really think you should do is to go out and get yourself a boyfriend who isn't scared, and who will meet your needs in a functional relationship. Why is that difficult for you?

[BaileyB]

As has been said above, you are single and thus free to date whomever you want.

 

I personally wouldn’t worry too much about what this guy thinks - if he liked you, he would date you himself. If he was truly your friend, he would want you to be happy - in whatever way you chose to be. The loss of that relationship wouldn’t bother me much...

[stillafool]

I'm having a hard time imagining why you would want to hang around and cuddle with some guy who has made it clear he doesn't want you. I would not want to date his friend either because I wouldn't want to end up in H's company. What good would it do you to date S when it is really H that you want? You need to find a guy who doesn't know either of these guys so you can stop hanging out with them. They don't respect you.

[d0nnivain]

The guy you like is immature & a bit of a jerk. He also has a whore-Madonna complex.

 

Simply to avoid drama I would not date his buddy & I would not let him know what you are doing with anybody. Put a lot of distance in your relationship with him.

[lurker74]

He is not your friend. He is your controller, or trying to be. It may be surprising, but many people like to be controlled and find it very appealing - I am not talking about sex BDSM stuff, but rather controlling relationships. That is why you feel so good around him because it fills a void in you and because you feel like you're just on the verge of swaying him into loving you. But it is not healthy. You can date S just fine but H will eventually destroy that relationship and then when H and S are no longer friends, he can blame you, and yet you will be the one that apologizes.

 

Or you can choose a different path. It is up to you.

[kendahke]

When H set you adrift, he also set adrift his ability to tell two grown adults who they can and can't date.

 

Call up S, set up a date and tell H to go eff himself. It's none of his business what you and S do. Losing H's friendship really isn't that big a deal, considering how he's been treating you this whole time... he's not treating you like a friend. Who even says the mess he's said to you to their friend?

 

He's more concerned that the $#!t he's been telling S about you is going to get back to you and that's how his friendship with both of you will be destroyed. It won't be by anything you're doing--it'll be due to what he's done. That's his karma to deal with, not yours. Go out with S and enjoy yourselves.

Edited December 2, 2019 by kendahke

[preraph]

You have to kick orbiters out of your life because they will block you having a relationship with some other guy. Seriously just dump him. he's probably told all his friends that you're a couple or tried to make it look that way just trying to keep you to himself even though he doesn't really want you and isn't mature off whatever enough to have a freaking relationship. Cut this weird bird loose.

[smackie9]

You are being used, and messed with. There is nothing that is going to turn into something serious. This is a losing situation with both of them. If I were you I would walk away.