thefooloftheyear Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Agree with those that say, for your own reasons, you're projecting. They're not BFF's, she's part of a group of long-term friends. I have similar, some attractive, none a threat to my marriage... Mr. Lucky Disagree....I don't think she is projecting, probably just sharing her experiences that are different than yours/others.. I disagree to the extent that none of the guys in my group of friends or business associates have any female friends, let alone one's that are objectively "hot".....I mean, sure, there are women we know, but none that are considered "true friends" in the sense that they go out with other guys in a group, socially, etc... And ill say it again...Where are all these women that are just fine and dandy with their men keeping close female friends?...Again, we are assuming these are the types that would go out socially, talk to regularly, text, etc with the man they are in a relationship with...In all my years I have never met a single one...Heck even female employees of mine have gotten territorial of other women.... TFY 1
preraph Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Bottom line is you need to work on yourself with the goal being not to let insecurities paralyze you. Not many people are completely secure, but the few I knew who were just knew in their hearts that if someone did cheat on them or leave them, that they would be just fine. You have to stop letting others have so much power over you. you have to know that you would be just fine if you lose someone and just leave the door open and see if their behavior is good or bad and accept whatever happens and move on. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Also to the fellow who says the only way to quell her insecurity is to stop dating men with women friends - give me a freaking break. . Its a completely logical way to handle it.... I don't think its rare to find a guy that doesn't keep female friends, they are more common than those that do, or for the sake of putting his SO at some kind of ease, decides to distance themselves from regular contact with female friends... Its what most regular guys do...(shrug) TFY
Calmandfocused Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Op, have you ever heard the expression : “one mans trash is another man’s treasure”? There seems to be an assumption that this friend is indeed more beautiful than you. On whose assessment? Just because you think she is beautiful does not mean that your boyfriend shares the same opinion. And it certainly doesn’t mean that she is more beautiful than you. Beauty is very subjective. Whilst one man may find a particular woman beautiful, another may think “no thanks mate”. It’s just the way it is. Relax. There’s no evidence to suggest your boyfriend is attracted to this woman and plenty of evidence to suggest that he’s attracted to you. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 I mean, sure, there are women we know, but none that are considered "true friends" in the sense that they go out with other guys in a group, socially, etc... Well, I'd guess you're "probably just sharing your experiences that are different than mine/others". I have a number of female friends, mostly from playing tennis. We'll often go out as a group after a match, women included (gasp!), grab a beer and relax while exaggerating our on court accomplishments. I've been to their weddings, etc, they've been to my house with their SO's for BBQ's, Christmas parties and such. When my wife was active in the teaching community, she socialized with a similarly mixed group of friends. I've been out with her circle, she with mine. Is it so hard to believe you can be in a committed relationship and still be part of the world in general? I thought - and hoped - some of these ideas died a long time ago... Mr. Lucky 2
thefooloftheyear Posted December 4, 2019 Posted December 4, 2019 Is it so hard to believe you can be in a committed relationship and still be part of the world in general? I thought - and hoped - some of these ideas died a long time ago... Mr. Lucky No....there is a simple explanation.. Men come in different varieties...You are not the type of man that I am and that doesn't make me better than you- or the opposite...Nor is it about "ideas dying long ago"... I have male employees that could be your grandsons that don't interact socially with women as "friends"...And while I never asked them I can safely assume their gf's wouldn't want any part of that... Forcing the OP to "get with the times" isn't the way I would approach it if she asked me....If she feels insecure, then she should do something about it....because nothing anyone says here will all of a sudden make her all on board with it.. TFY
fromheart Posted December 4, 2019 Posted December 4, 2019 Sure, it's all possible I guess? I guess it's even possible she thinks I'm pretty being tall and slim with beautiful straight hair lol Yes..I should stop being only looks oriented..I just need to convince myself that The friend is probably thinking you are beautiful compared to her. I've known very good looking women who are convinced they are ugly. So dispose of those stupid mags, ignore what the media tells you is and isn't beauty. Not all men go for that magazine look anyway, a lot of them look devoid of passion and sexuality. That magazine look feeds on women's insecurity, to get them to buy stuff they don't need. Its a joke. 1
NomiMalone Posted December 4, 2019 Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) While everyone here is coming from a good place, advice for OP to just “deal with it”, that “everyone is beautiful in their own way”, “looks fade” and “personality matters more”, while all ideal and very true in theory, isn’t going to just make the OP comfortable with the woman over night. The OP’s partner also shouldn’t feel obligated to give up seeing his friends because of OP for this reason, because the friend hasn’t done anything wrong here. The only practical solution here I can think of is for OP to date a guy with whom she feels so comfortable that even if he’s surrounded constantly by beautiful women, she would still feel secure about herself and her relationship. OP, if you feel like you can’t even raise this issue with your BF, then maybe he’s not right for you? Also - I’m not convinced that jumping to a conclusion that OP’s insecurity is down to “types” is that spot on. OP has specifically singled out this friend as “beautiful”. If this South American, tanned and petite woman is average looking, maybe OP wouldn’t feel uncomfortable around her. There’re are also loads of women who fit OP’s description of herself, tall and slim, who are super stunners (hello every single Victoria’s Secret Angel). A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, undeniably so regardless of what race she is. This isn’t just about OP seeing her own “type” as less attractive. If this friend was a tall, slim, beautiful woman, I doing OP would be comfortable with that either. Edited December 4, 2019 by NomiMalone
Author Ambereyes Posted December 4, 2019 Author Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) The only practical solution here I can think of is for OP to date a guy with whom she feels so comfortable that even if he’s surrounded constantly by beautiful women, she would still feel secure about herself and her relationship. OP, if you feel like you can’t even raise this issue with your BF, then maybe he’s not right for you? I wouldnt raise the issue because it will make me look insecure and unattractive. And it wouldnt help me either because he can shower me with compliments and I wouldnt believe it. I mean, my BF already tells me im "beautiful and smart" , im "a whole package", his friends tell me he talks about me all the time. If there is a guy that can make me feel so comfortable, it's probably him anyway. But here I am, still comparing and feeling down. I never planned to ditch him, to find a guy with no female friends. I know there will be female coworkers, female clients, female cashiers at his local market, female this female that. I need to solve this problem once and for all and the only way to do it is to fix my insecurities. Yes I wont get there over night but l will keep trying. Edited December 4, 2019 by Ambereyes
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 4, 2019 Posted December 4, 2019 Just to say that I've dated several men, two widowers and one divorced, who raved about their late wives (or ex wife) being super gorgeous only to finally see photos of all three and be surprised that two of them were homely and one was barely average. A gf of mine saw the photo of the average one, too, and could hardly believe it was his late wife as she'd heard him rave about her beauty, too! I think men tend to think a woman they fall in love with is beautiful. 1
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 4, 2019 Posted December 4, 2019 All these beautiful Celebrities we see on TV, Youtube and whatever other media we consume, we all worship these people for their good looks and qualities... Some even have a list of people who, whether they are in a relationship or not, kind of want a hall pass with, know what im saying? So sure, these beautiful people might be great for a hall pass, but to actually be in a relationship with them? To live with them? That is an entirely different thing from the hall pass. Most super beautiful women I have dated and have been an incredible inconvenience to live with, to be honest with you. Between having children with a super hot chick or just an average chick, I think i'd stick to average.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 On 12/3/2019 at 9:09 PM, Ambereyes said: I wouldnt raise the issue because it will make me look insecure and unattractive. And it wouldnt help me either because he can shower me with compliments and I wouldnt believe it. I mean, my BF already tells me im "beautiful and smart" , im "a whole package", his friends tell me he talks about me all the time. If there is a guy that can make me feel so comfortable, it's probably him anyway. But here I am, still comparing and feeling down. I never planned to ditch him, to find a guy with no female friends. I know there will be female coworkers, female clients, female cashiers at his local market, female this female that. I need to solve this problem once and for all and the only way to do it is to fix my insecurities. Yes I wont get there over night but l will keep trying. I wish you could do a study of yourself handling this exact problem, as described here, at all different ages in the past and future. Because you will EVOLVE... that is to say you will be less affected by the reported feelings as the years go by, no matter who the variables are. I understand that it's really challenging to have so relatively little criteria to compare, and that it is natural to want to compare yourself to this other girl, but the whole numerical aspect of it isn't fair. In 10 or 20 years there will be SO many more facets to your individuality, and if you compare then-you to then-her, it is possible that her beauty will fade a bit, and that with so many other categories, your own scorecard will be filled with relative victories. Your instincts are already serving you well... as in NOT wanting to seem insecure as a result of this. But just remember, in 15 years you will have a more defined career... one that we hope you'll LOVE... and that you'll love because you're GOOD at it... and THAT AWARENESS will paint itself all over your skin and come across to others as confidence. And it will look great! - perhaps far more attractive than whatever this other girl has going for her right now. Math and numbers kinda play tricks on young females too... because it just isn't fair to compare yourself to THAT girl, and admit she has nicer hair than you do... before comparing yourself to this other girl and admitting that she has a nicer smile than you do... and then comparing yourself to a third girl and observing that her feet are 'dainty' while yours feel huge. Each of you is only ONE person, and you'd be guilty in that case of taking the best attributes of each individual and holding yourself to a standard that isn't possible. Ultimately, you're ONE individual, and perhaps the very best thing you have going for you IS your individuality... so keep honing it, and promise that you'll recognize it better and better with each passing year.
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