How to not feel bad in front of BF's beautiful friend?

[elaine567]

Forgive me, other than being part of the friend group, what is this girl doing to make the OP feel insecure? Perhaps I missed something.

Just being there, being friends with her bf is enough to make her insecure. She has identified a huge threat. Bfs given the opportunity can cheat and Miss "10" is right there...

 

I realise we all live in this supposedly wonderful world where we all need to be secure and confident and take all in our stride, but that is not real life.

Many would "get over" this girl by assigning negative traits to her, she may be beautiful but she is a snob, she is nasty, she is arrogant, she is not very bright, she is low class, no-one really likes her ... etc. but here the OP cannot do that to make herself feel better, the girl is "perfect"...

In a perfect world she probably wants this woman/threat gone and out of her life but as she is her bf's friend she is reduced to being nice and pleasant to her...

Hence the frustration.

Her gut is no doubt screaming...

The OP IMO has to get herself out of there for her own sanity.

[Ambereyes]

 

You are no different than any other woman ive known (tend to be possessive/territorial when other women around-esp attractive ones), so don't be too hard on yourself...But you cant let this make you crazy.....Its impossible to be 100% in control of it....

 

TFY

 

Yeah..guilty

 

it's actually consuming to be always on alert when there are beautiful women around. If I can make myself believe there shouldnt be any competition and we are all beautiful in our own way, I think I will potentially be a lot happier.

 

It's just so hard to do..

[basil67]

Elaine, you're making it sound like the attractive girl is doing something wrong by being in his friend group.

 

The women who call an attractive woman 'snob, nasty, arrogant, stupid, low class" in order to cope are simply horrible people. The OP shouldn't lower herself to that level. This is about her learning to be confident in her own skin.

 

Let's say she does leave the boyfriend because he's got an attractive friend in his group. - what will she do when her next boyfriend has an attractive friend in his group? Is she going to just up and leave each guy without working on her own self esteem?

[basil67]

Yeah..guilty

 

it's actually consuming to be always on alert when there are beautiful women around. If I can make myself believe there shouldnt be any competition and we are all beautiful in our own way, I think I will potentially be a lot happier.

 

It's just so hard to do..

 

That's because you're focusing on the physical instead of the stuff which really matters. Even the most beautiful woman won't be able to keep a man if she's vapid. And even the most beautiful woman will loose her looks in time.

[Foxhall]

From my own situation, I am finding being overly friendly with other women is a dangerous game I suppose,

 

human nature lends itself to a girlfriend being wary or jealous of that,

 

 

I think you need to be able to discuss this with your guy, if your reluctant to do that, it indicates that there are barriers to communication present,

 

Yet you have been together for over a year so you obviously have something there

 

He knows full well that you would be potentially jealous of her,

 

test the water, bring this up and see how he reacts,

 

that I think would give you clarity how interested or otherwise he really is in you??

[Ambereyes]

Yes basil67 ....I am focusing on the wrong things.

 

I mean..sure I know personality matters and career is a plus. But I just feel like guys value the looks far more than anything else..

 

Like, they will choose a beautiful blond who isnt smart over an intelligent but less pretty girl. They will choose a hot waitress who is stuck in a dead end job over a career successful but less pretty woman. It's almost like nothing else matters much as long as you are beautiful, and not a terrible bi*ch in person..

 

I think that's the reason I focus so much on the looks. It sounds terrible as I write it, but I cant help feeling this way

[Ambereyes]

 

 

I think you need to be able to discuss this with your guy, if your reluctant to do that, it indicates that there are barriers to communication present,

 

He knows full well that you would be potentially jealous of her,

 

 

Hmm sorry I will not discuss this with him and he will not have a clue about my insecurities.

[basil67]

Like, they will choose a beautiful blond who isnt smart over an intelligent but less pretty girl. They will choose a hot waitress who is stuck in a dead end job over a career successful but less pretty woman.

 

With all due respect, I think you're losing focus on reality. Have a look around you and you will see that many men are dating and in love with women who aren't beautiful. You're talking about what you fear - not what is reality.

 

I also think it's smart to not discuss it with him.

Edited December 2, 2019 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

But I just feel like guys value the looks far more than anything else..

 

Like, they will choose a beautiful blond who isnt smart over an intelligent but less pretty girl. They will choose a hot waitress who is stuck in a dead end job over a career successful but less pretty woman.

 

The good ones grow out of that.

 

I was always the smart girl. Still am. Growing up all my BFFs were hot blondes. Boys flocked to them likes bees to honey. Even when my friends dressed me in their fashionable clothes & did my hair & make up, the minute I opened my mouth it was obvious that I wasn't vapid. When I tried to be quiet & sit there like a bump on a log I was so uncomfortable I couldn't pull it off.

 

Then I got to college & grad school where smart was an attractive quality.

 

By my mid 20s one of my BFFs had become a BF stealer. The most attractive man in the room to her was somebody else's guy. She needed the ego boost & validation that she could lure a guy away from another woman. It caused everybody a lot of heartache for a while. But at her worst -- most forward -- she never stole a guy from me. Despite the fact that she was blonde (I'm not); taller then me; better body then me; more athletic etc. the men I dated liked me for me. Granted I warned them that she was going to hit on them & come on to them like gangbusters but not one took the bait. My situation was a bit different then yours Ambereyes but I share it with you to help you remember that quality shows & not every guy will pick the "hotter" woman.

 

Try to remember that your BF chose you He already knew her but picked you! hang on to that when you are feeling at your most vulnerable.

[MsJayne]

Maybe try to shift your mindset by remembering these two things. Lots of really gorgeous women are hated by other women simply because they have the kind of looks that make less attractive women feel inadequate, and often jealousy comes into play, and being on the receiving end of such biased and blind dislike, and sometimes spiteful behaviour, can be very hurtful and isolating. The other thing is that just because you think she's smoking hot doesn't mean everyone does. Example, most women think George Clooney is hotness personified, but I don't think he's all that, same goes for Brad Pitt...... they do nothing for me, but Owen Wilson, with his huge, crooked nose, Adam Sandler with his rather long face, Ben Stiller with his huge ears, they're all smokin' as far as I'm concerned. Perfect features don't always equate to attractive or sexy, and looks play a relatively small role in the long-term attraction thing anyway. Ultimately confidence and self-assurance are way sexier than a pretty face and perfect body.

[fromheart]

 

I think that's the reason I focus so much on the looks. It sounds terrible as I write it, but I cant help feeling this way[/quote

 

Well, if you tell yourself that you wont be able to.

 

You could get a BF who has no female friends if you want, or only female friends who are ugly. Would that make you feel better?

 

All the women on the thread are focusing on this womens looks, saying your BF will find her attractive.

 

Have you stopped to think that maybe YOU are focusing on her looks, and not your BF? Because it does sound like it to be honest.

 

Stop being so looks orientated, get off Instagram, throw away those crappy magazines with fake, plasticy women in them. They'll drive you mad.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it's silly to think that just because a men is dating you, you are his first choice. He likely has no chance with the hottie. People date and marry what they can get and in reality unless a man is stunningly gorgeous and rich, he is unlikely to get 9/10 girl. Women do this too.

 

 

I think it's naive to think that if the hot girl came on to your bf tomorrow that he would reject her. Lucky for you, this will likely never happen.

[Ambereyes]

^^ So you date thinking your man will run away with the next best thing as soon as she gives him a chance? And he's only with you because he cant get the dream girl he wants?

And you will run away with the next best guy too as long as he gives you a chance?

[Ambereyes]

 

All the women on the thread are focusing on this womens looks, saying your BF will find her attractive.

 

Have you stopped to think that maybe YOU are focusing on her looks, and not your BF? Because it does sound like it to be honest.

 

.

 

Sure, it's all possible I guess? I guess it's even possible she thinks I'm pretty being tall and slim with beautiful straight hair lol

 

Yes..I should stop being only looks oriented..I just need to convince myself that

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that's the reason I focus so much on the looks. It sounds terrible as I write it, but I cant help feeling this way

 

My wife, to whom I've been happily married for 30+ years, is far from the hottest woman I've ever met, dated or slept with. When I first met her, she wasn't even my "type". But while I'm certainly attracted to her, I'm really in love with the gift, not the paper it's wrapped in. She has an enthusiasm for life, a generosity of spirit and an unshakable commitment to me and our family.

 

Want to strengthen your relationship with Ms. Beautiful Friend in the vicinity? Be a good person, great partner and caring GF. Unlike good looks, those qualities never grow old...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Legatus]

Like, they will choose a beautiful blond who isnt smart over an intelligent but less pretty girl. They will choose a hot waitress who is stuck in a dead end job over a career successful but less pretty woman. It's almost like nothing else matters much as long as you are beautiful, and not a terrible bi*ch in person..

 

I think that's the reason I focus so much on the looks. It sounds terrible as I write it, but I cant help feeling this way

 

You couldn't be more wrong. It doesn't work like that. Why so many beautiful women are with guys who perhaps do not conform to the "objective" norm of being handsome? Because they got to know them, their personality makes them more attractive.

 

I noticed that ever since I became a dancer. I get to know people in social dancing situations. Mostly women that I would never talk to in other setting, either because I used to believe in the "league system", or because I wouldn't find them attractive.

 

Suddenly you start talking, dancing, there's chemistry, interest, and you see that person in totally different light.

 

Men realise, some sooner rather than later, that looks, career, or money only get you so far. It's what's underneath all the clothes, make-up, and other externals that really counts.

[princessaurora]

Girls can be so much drama, and when you're the most attractive one in a group, they can make your life miserable. I dealt with this alot in college and early 20's. And that's why I mostly had guy friends, because I didnt like being snubbed over people who felt like they couldnt compete with me. I wasnt trying to take any of their men, but my mere presence bothered them. I dated this one guy who had been friends with a girl for quite some time and she was always passive aggressive towards me. I never did her anything and was always nice to her, but I could tell she disliked me. One day, she came by my dorm and knocked on my door. When i opened it, she says" I just want you to know that Joe only likes you because you're pretty, thats all you have to offer" I was like wtf? I didn t do this girl anything, and she didnt know me well enough to say what I had to offer. It infuriated me so much. Turns out she was in love with my bf, obviously, but he didnt feel the same. I also dealt with this alot when my now husband and I got together. All his bff's girlfriends hated me. I tried to be nice, make conversation. but they snubbed me everytime. It was lonely for me because when my guy was having his time with the boys and the girls congregated, most of them pretended I wasnt there. They never even gave me a chance.Then another girl who was barely average starts seeing one of them and they welcome her with open arms. This cut me like a knife. Eventually what ended up happening was I started hanging out with the guys and became the only girl in their group since I was isolated from all the girlfriends. This didnt sit well with them, but hey, they brought it on themselves by judging me. I wasnt interested in their men, I was madly in love with mine. But in their minds, I was a threat.

 

The point i'm trying to make is that just because this girl is beautiful doesnt mean she's perfect or that her life is flawless. And like others have said, beauty is subjective .You may find her far more attractive than your boyfriend does. I'd take Paul Rudd over Tom Cruise anyday. Many would probably say that's crazy.And like others have said, he chose you, and to him you're probably the most beautiful girl in the world.

 

Have you tried to get to know her? I bet if you did, she would be far less intimidating. I'm in my 40's now, but my husband has a coworker in her 20's who is very pretty and sometimes we hang out with her and her husband. At first, I was taken aback because my husband never mentioned she was hot before I met her, but it turns out she's a smart, funny girl and now when I look at her that's what I see. The same thing happens when you first meet a superattractive guy, You might be a little intimidated but once you see what's behind the pretty face, your insecurities melt away. I don't think ending your relationship is the answer. Your boyfriend hasn't shown any indication he is romantically interested in this girl, so why ruin a perfectly good thing over some fantasy you've built up in your head? And please don't tell him he can't hang out with her anymore because then he'll know you're intimidated and that will lower your attraction in his eyes.Guys hate an ultimatum. My advice to you is embrace her and see what makes her tick, see what ya'll have in common. You do this, and you're going to me more attractive than ever in your boyfriend's eyes because you're showing him you don't see her as a threat. Besides,you never know, she could be your new best friend.

[NomiMalone]

Yes..I should stop being only looks oriented..I just need to convince myself that

 

That’s not something you can just flip a switch and change over night.

 

I’m going to go out on a limb here and advise that if hanging out with your BF’s attractive friend is making you THIS anxious and unhappy, then maybe once in awhile, skip outings with that group. You can’t help the way you feel, and forcing yourself to be present in a situation where you’re constantly feeling crap about yourself will be damaging to your self esteem. Once in awhile, say no to that group and hang out with people who you feel good about yourself around.

 

On a different note - you described yourself as tall and slim. You have no idea how many women would kill to be tall and slim! Tall, slim women naturally possess a type of elegance that short women with “cute figures” do not. Work it to your advantage! You can pull off evenings gowns, maxi dresses and corporate wear in a way a petite woman never could. Wear skinny jeans that show off your long, slim legs! Not all men prefer petite cute-figured girls. Ever notice that almost ALL models are tall and slim? Just saying

[d0nnivain]

I think it's silly to think that just because a men is dating you, you are his first choice. He likely has no chance with the hottie. People date and marry what they can get and in reality unless a man is stunningly gorgeous and rich, he is unlikely to get 9/10 girl.

 

 

I think it's naive to think that if the hot girl came on to your bf tomorrow that he would reject her. Lucky for you, this will likely never happen.

 

Wow. That is depressing.

 

Yes, I think people date people who will date them. But everybody's view of what / who is hot is different.

 

I give this example all the time. Brad Pitt. Many people will tell you he's drop dead gorgeous. The man does nothing for me. Many other celebrities are like that too. While I may like the characters they play, their view points on various issues would make me run screaming from them as long term partners IRL no matter how handsome they are.

 

It really is more then just looks.

[Zinging]

Saying guys primarily chase looks is like saying women only date for money.

 

A statement that is a disservice to the good men/women. Yes, perhaps in quite a few cases you might have noticed this come true... but, that's because those cases are 'louder' and more prone to being gossiped about. After all, who wants to talk about about the "normal guy" who loves his "normal wife" to death, right?

 

For starters, I can vouch that this is not true in my home, nor amongst family or friends I've known. That said, I'd say that both men and women find confidence and maturity irresistibly attractive - and any sensible person would really think thrice before letting go of someone who's so self-aware.

 

There are different self-help exercises and lessons to develop confidence, don't let yourself get bogged down by doubt.

 

The good ones grow out of that.

 

I was always the smart girl. Still am. Growing up all my BFFs were hot blondes. Boys flocked to them likes bees to honey. Even when my friends dressed me in their fashionable clothes & did my hair & make up, the minute I opened my mouth it was obvious that I wasn't vapid. When I tried to be quiet & sit there like a bump on a log I was so uncomfortable I couldn't pull it off.

 

Then I got to college & grad school where smart was an attractive quality.

 

By my mid 20s one of my BFFs had become a BF stealer. The most attractive man in the room to her was somebody else's guy. She needed the ego boost & validation that she could lure a guy away from another woman. It caused everybody a lot of heartache for a while. But at her worst -- most forward -- she never stole a guy from me. Despite the fact that she was blonde (I'm not); taller then me; better body then me; more athletic etc. the men I dated liked me for me. Granted I warned them that she was going to hit on them & come on to them like gangbusters but not one took the bait. My situation was a bit different then yours Ambereyes but I share it with you to help you remember that quality shows & not every guy will pick the "hotter" woman.

 

Try to remember that your BF chose you He already knew her but picked you! hang on to that when you are feeling at your most vulnerable.

 

A great life lesson. Said in a spectacular way!

Edited December 3, 2019 by Zinging

[Piddy]

My wife, to whom I've been happily married for 30+ years, is far from the hottest woman I've ever met, dated or slept with. When I first met her, she wasn't even my "type". But while I'm certainly attracted to her, I'm really in love with the gift, not the paper it's wrapped in. She has an enthusiasm for life, a generosity of spirit and an unshakable commitment to me and our family.

 

Want to strengthen your relationship with Ms. Beautiful Friend in the vicinity? Be a good person, great partner and caring GF. Unlike good looks, those qualities never grow old...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Same here. Been together 41 years (married 38). I went against type with my wife and she has great qualities that have lasted a lifetime, where looks may not last that long.

 

I have a childhood friend who married a real stunner. She was gorgeous and a great person. They moved across country after college and I didn't see her for close to 20 years.

 

When I saw her she looked nothing like she did when she was younger. She was no longer that stunning / gorgeous blonde, but she still was that great person I met many years earlier.

 

I myself had the opportunity to get back together with my very pretty ex girlfriend who dumped me two years earlier. She was gorgeous also, but had shown some bad character traits.

 

Luckily I had met my (now) wife a month prior and chose her over the very pretty ex girlfriend.

 

Again, qualities in ones character will last a lifetime where looks can fade with time.

 

To the OP. As was said by others, your boyfriend has chosen you for your own personal qualities. Feel secure in that and not something that may just be all in your head.

Edited December 3, 2019 by Piddy

[elaine567]

Ever notice that almost ALL models are tall and slim? Just saying

Yes but most tall and slim models are there to show case the clothes and to provide a "look" that women will want to copy, they are not there to appeal to men.

Men tend to like boobs and butts, catwalk models usually have neither, as in most cases "womanly shape" would ruin the effect designers are trying to achieve.

 

But I do agree, the OP needs to use her height and slimness to her advantage.

BUT this all seems a bit sad really. If she doesn't hang out with the friend group to ease her discomfort then she is just going to worry about what "they" are then getting up to when she is not there...

No-one should feel this uncomfortable and try to tie themselves in knots to keep a guy. Everyone needs to look out for #1, dating is about trying to find natural happiness, there will never be happiness and peace for the OP as long as this girl is hanging around.

Plenty men do not have close female friends...

[Mr. Lucky]

Plenty men do not have close female friends...

 

Agree with those that say, for your own reasons, you're projecting.

 

BF has a group of long term friends, mostly guys but some are girls. They share lots of memories. This one girl though I find really pretty and I just feel really insecure around her.

 

They're not BFF's, she's part of a group of long-term friends. I have similar, some attractive, none a threat to my marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kendahke]

But I just feel like guys value the looks far more than anything else..

 

because that narrative works for you on some level. It feeds your insecurity--and that is a ravenous beast you need to vanquish.

 

Like others have said around here, take a good, hard and long look around you at who is with whom. There are so many ordinary people that you most likely look down your nose on who are beautiful on the inside and that's why they've got magnetism.

 

One can be beautiful on the outside all day long, but if it comes with a really funky attitude, while one may be able to attract guys, one can't keep them because one drives them away. Conversely, one can be unfortunate in your estimation of what constitutes "beauty", but she can snatch your man in a New York minute because of how she makes him feel about himself when he's with her.

 

Instead of being hung up on how you don't measure up to some fiction you've been inventing and investing in about her, why not try befriending her and get to know her?

[NuevoYorko]

Some of y'all have gotta be kidding me.

 

The OP has not said she is "ordinary." She says she is tall and has smaller eyes. Not that it matters.

 

Also to the fellow who says the only way to quell her insecurity is to stop dating men with women friends - give me a freaking break.

 

Yes men (and women I believe) are attracted to beauty. It can drive a man to ask a woman out and maybe to be into her a lot physically; it has little to do with enduring relationships. Yes physically attraction is important and I bet your BF is physically attracted to your or it is unlikely you'd be together.

 

Insecurity comes from within a person. It needs to be worked on from within. OP you need to learn some ways to talk yourself down when you start to let these feelings get to you.

 

It's the insecurity in itself and the way it probably affects your behavior and the way you interact with him that is the bigger danger to your relationship than the friend's beauty, so don't let it take further hold.