Ambereyes Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 (edited) Hello LS. To start, I have a wonderful BF and we have been together for a year now. Im always happy with him, only not when this beautiful friend is around. BF has a group of long term friends, mostly guys but some are girls. They share lots of memories. This one girl though I find really pretty and I just feel really insecure around her. She has very different features than me. South American, tan, big round eyes and has this petite and cute figure I feel many guys will adore. I on the other hand have smaller eyes, and tall... Anyway I dont feel very confident when she is around. I wonder if my BF likes her because if I were a guy, I'd like her! I wonder if the only reason he's her friend is she doesnt like him? I wonder if she liked him, he'd dump me in a heart beat? The more I think, the more blue and feel, and even withdrawn from my BF..even though, objectively speaking, he never gives me a reason to doubt..and she is also a nice girl. So..I'm hoping to get some helpful insight on this. How can I shift my mindset on her? I guess all the fears are down due to my own insecurities, but how can I feel confident even in front of her? So thanks in advance! Edited December 1, 2019 by Ambereyes
preraph Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 He probably does like her, but he can't have her, apparently, so stop worrying about it unless you pick up vibes she's flirting with him.
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Stop comparing yourself to her. There will always be somebody taller, thinner, younger etc. You need to focus on your own good qualities & remember he's dating you, not her. 2
preraph Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 It is true a lot of guy like tiny girls, but there are exceptions and maybe he is one. The popular guy in my old crowd only dated women taller than him and skinny and they were both fairly average in the face and looked a lot alike. More like his aunt than a lover, that's for sure.
basil67 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 There will always be someone prettier, cleverer, funnier etc. The answer is to embrace your own qualities. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 There will always be somebody taller, thinner, younger etc. You need to focus on your own good qualities & remember he's dating you, not her. Exactly. He might be able to find a prettier girl, you might be able to find a richer or more muscular or whatever guy. But most of us choose our partners based on a range of factors, not just these isolated qualities. It's not just looks, physique, and earning power that matter. It's also intellect, personality, kindness, life goals, chemistry, shared interests, and on and on. It's not easy to find the ideal combination of qualities all wrapped up in one person. Assume you are that to your man, that he has the discernment to select based on his unique preferences. 2
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 There will always be someone prettier, cleverer, funnier etc. Yes but they don't usually hang about around our men, that is the difference here.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Yes but they don't usually hang about around our men, that is the difference here. Yep.... If you don't want the insecurity, better to find a guy that doesn't have female friends....But bear in mind, this is a tough thing to control...Like lets say he goes to a deli every day to get his lunch and the girl at the counter is a knockout? Or how about the women at work?? You are no different than any other woman ive known (tend to be possessive/territorial when other women around-esp attractive ones), so don't be too hard on yourself...But you cant let this make you crazy.....Its impossible to be 100% in control of it.... TFY
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 (edited) Yes but they don't usually hang about around our men, that is the difference here. Speak for yourself. I have had numerous BFs who were friends with gorgeous accomplished women. My friends are gorgeous accomplished women: captains of industry, politicians, professors, models, actresses, performers, military leaders, educators, caregivers, etc. I expect my husband to interact with them. I don't often compare myself to them What really helps is remembering that you are one too. If your guy surrounds himself with vibrant amazing people that is some indication that you are such a person. In the end it's about self esteem. Edited December 2, 2019 by d0nnivain 5
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Trouble is she knows exactly where she stands here, she can't compete and she knows it. This girl is beautiful and she is "ordinary". All very well to fool yourself into thinking you are "the best", but when reality is staring you in the face, it is difficult to keep up the pretence... That is where the OP is here. She knows she is "less than". He, I guess is not giving her enough props to make her feel very special and sexy to him, hence why she is questioning where his head is really at in the presence of this beautiful girl.
Saracena Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Anyway I dont feel very confident when she is around. I wonder if my BF likes her because if I were a guy, I'd like her! I wonder if the only reason he's her friend is she doesnt like him? I wonder if she liked him, he'd dump me in a heart beat? The more I think, the more blue and feel, and even withdrawn from my BF..even though, objectively speaking,he never gives me a reason to doubt..and she is also a nice girl.! A lot of wondering here OP, which essentially is the only basis for your insecurity here. You also state he's never given you reason to doubt so please focus on this instead of the rest ie thost negative thoughts which could potentially wreck your relationship with him, IF and only IF you play into them! Also rem what one person regards as beautiful doesn't mean it applies to other people as well, especially members of the opposite sex. For all you know your boyfriend may not find her all that attractive at all! I mean this. Girls like her may not be to his taste at all. Attraction and chemistry is more complex. I once worked with a very good-looking female, who I knew some of the male workers fancied. But this did not apply to ALL of them (as some had assumed )as quite a number of them, for various reasons, didn't find her attractive at all!!. At the time I was a little surprised to learn this but this was just the way it was. Her personality had a lot to do with it. Personally, I never like her as she was rather cold, scheming and extremely selfish. Traits other could see as well.
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 It's all in your head girl. No one in that group is thinking anything about it...just you. 3
lurker74 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Trouble is she knows exactly where she stands here, she can't compete and she knows it. This girl is beautiful and she is "ordinary". All very well to fool yourself into thinking you are "the best", but when reality is staring you in the face, it is difficult to keep up the pretence... That is where the OP is here. She knows she is "less than". He, I guess is not giving her enough props to make her feel very special and sexy to him, hence why she is questioning where his head is really at in the presence of this beautiful girl. I actually do not know if this is true, elaine, but you seem like you are projecting. OP doesn't "know" anything. She feels something. She feels that she is less pretty or less attractive (which are two different things) than this other girl and those feelings are leading her to thoughts. But those feelings can be harnessed and lead her elsewhere, like to the proposition that her BF loves her to the exclusion of all others. And to be honest, it's HIS fault that she feels this way? That despite giving her no sign that he cares all about this other girl, it is still his fault how she feels? We are all responsible for how we feel. And sometimes we let those feelings rule us and sometimes we learn how to use feelings as energy for getting what we want, hopefully love and self-respect. 4
basil67 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Yes but they don't usually hang about around our men, that is the difference here. I'm getting that she's just part of his friend group. A man shouldn't have to expel one of his friend group just because she's beautiful. 3
basil67 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Trouble is she knows exactly where she stands here, she can't compete and she knows it. This girl is beautiful and she is "ordinary". All very well to fool yourself into thinking you are "the best", but when reality is staring you in the face, it is difficult to keep up the pretence... That is where the OP is here. She knows she is "less than". He, I guess is not giving her enough props to make her feel very special and sexy to him, hence why she is questioning where his head is really at in the presence of this beautiful girl. Elaine, you're making it sound like all us ordinary folk are in competition with the occasional beautiful one who is in the friend group. Truth is, the guy we are with is with us because we are right for them. And beauty is only skin deep anyway. And the OP states that he's done nothing to suggest that he's interested in the beautiful one anyway. I don't think anyone has suggested that she fool herself into thinking that she's "the best". Nobody is "the best" Rather, it's about embracing our positive qualities and reminding ourselves that he's with us because he wants to be. Lastly, I don't think that a guy should have to take extra special care of his girlfriend when there is a beautiful woman in her presence. The only expectation is that he's treating the beautiful woman in the same way he treats everyone else....which he's apparently doing. 3
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I'm getting that she's just part of his friend group. A man shouldn't have to expel one of his friend group just because she's beautiful. I agree with this^^^ In my youth to my 30's I hated it when insecure girls/women would accuse me of being easy, a home wrecker, questioned my motivation of even being in the group, all because I was attractive or maybe they saw how some guys were looking at me. This crap followed me everywhere. So unfair to be treated that way when I wasn't anything like that, not even touchy feely or flirty. 3
basil67 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I'm sorry you went through this Smackie. Some women's insecurities lead them to become horrible people. 1
snowboy91 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 There may be this girl in his friend circle that you think is really good looking... ...but he's not dating her. He's dating you. He's chosen you for whatever reasons he thinks make you a great person. He has not chosen this other girl for whatever reasons - might be that she's not interested in him, their personalities are different such that they don't match each other for dating, or he doesn't find her attractive. Yes, it does happen - I know girls who most other guys would consider really attractive, but they just don't do it for me. So I picked someone who does 2
kendahke Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 If you don't feel confident, then figure out a way to fake it til you make it. Her being uninvited from HER circle of friends for you ain't going to happen, so you need to figure out something and quick---or stay home when they get together. Here is a rule of life you need to get with: There is always going to be someone younger, prettier, smarter, better teeth/lips, better hair, better boobs, better butt, better sex than you---just as there is always going to be someone less all of the above than you... that's life. Who they hang around isn't the issue: you yourself said your boyfriend hasn't given you any reason for you to be indulging and investing in your poor self image or comparing yourself to other women in his circle of friends: the issue is your self esteem in is the toilet. No one is going to fish around the offal in the bowl to yank it out for you. That's your heavy lift. If you feel you're that dull in comparison to her or any other pretty woman, then invest your time and energy into making yourself more alluring and interesting. Light a candle instead of cursing the darkness. But she's given you absolutely no reason through her actions or behavior to consider her a threat to your relationship: that is your narrative and projection, not hers or anyone else's. Question is: why are you looking to create problems in your relationship when none, by your own admission, exists? 3
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I'm getting that she's just part of his friend group. A man shouldn't have to expel one of his friend group just because she's beautiful. Of course not, nor are most "ordinary" people in competition with the beautiful ones, but here the OP feels she is. Just like the guy on here who felt he had to bow out when he found out he was up against the ex with the huge dick, the OP is out of her depth. This is not going to work out well for the OP IMO. Her self esteem will plummet, her confidence is already shot. She needs to extricate herself from this situation asap. She is only insecure because this girl is making her feel insecure. This situation is upsetting to her and no doubt will continue to make her miserable as long as she is in it.
kendahke Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 I actually do not know if this is true, elaine, but you seem like you are projecting. Exactly!!!! ten characters 1
schlumpy Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 So..I'm hoping to get some helpful insight on this. How can I shift my mindset on her? I guess all the fears are down due to my own insecurities, but how can I feel confident even in front of her? So thanks in advance! This is the very pinnacle of being a human being. They talk about how wonderful everything is. It couldn't be better. It's like being paradise. So what's the first thing homo sapiens do when living in paradise? They create a self-made problem. You want to change your mindset then get a sense of humor. Laugh your way out of your silly feelings and give your wonderful boyfriend a very public kiss. 2
basil67 Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 She is only insecure because this girl is making her feel insecure. Forgive me, other than being part of the friend group, what is this girl doing to make the OP feel insecure? Perhaps I missed something. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 (edited) Trouble is she knows exactly where she stands here, she can't compete and she knows it. This girl is beautiful and she is "ordinary". All very well to fool yourself into thinking you are "the best", but when reality is staring you in the face, it is difficult to keep up the pretence... . I saw nothing in here that said the OP IS ordinary. She doesn't have to be "the best" but she still needs enough self esteem to see the good in herself. I may never have been on the cover of Vogue & I'm over 50 but I'm reasonably attractive. I may not be the world's leading authority on any subject but I'm still smart. It's balance. Here the OP would be better served befriending the friend. She certainly can't make her BF drop him as a friend & will come off as clingy & needy if she tries Edited December 2, 2019 by d0nnivain 3
preraph Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 (edited) Just from my own personal experience, I have found that you'll have far more average women who will openly come on to another person's boyfriend or husband than the most beautiful ones, who, let's face it, don't need someone's leftovers. I think back on all the predatory women I've been around and they were either average and VERY aggressive coming on to men with "no strings" speech like a prostitute or kind of lost, like they don't trust their own taste, so they go after their friend's choices, and then at least one who just had mental problems and was insatiable for attention. I think of the really gorgeous women, and they had bigger fish to fry and weren't desperate and were frequently already dating someone longterm, and sometimes they would even be charitable and try to kind of fix up their less gorgeous friends. My most gorgeous long term friend was kind of like the one you describe, petite, gorgeous, attracting lots of men, but she had very specific tastes. One thing great about having her as a friend was that we ran in the same music circle (long haired hard rock guys) but we never once crushed on the same one because she liked quieter more serious ones that I found kind of dull. And she wasn't sleeping around hardly at all, though she WAS a big flirt, always touching some guy with her hand, very soft spoken though. So just because they can doesn't mean they will and usually means they're not desperate enough to make them become a predator. But then watch out for the less attractive predatory ones who are whispering in mens' ears. They're the aggressive ones. And few guys can turn down no strings sex, even when the woman isn't that good looking. Edited December 2, 2019 by preraph 3
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