June2017 Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 I recently began dating a girl from my university I graduated from the university almost 3 years ago. My girlfriend is from university. She joined university when I was in my 3rd and final year. We were friends but I wasn't interested in her romantically. At the time, I was in a friends with benefits situation with another girl. And I had a few random hook ups as well. I was never interested in her and merely saw her as a friend. I think she liked me because I ve been told I'm quite attractive but there was much to it. I was casually hooking up with another friend in our group. One thing to keep in mind, my friend circle, including my girlfriend have a single common point which was workers rights and politics. Hence the friendship. I also had little to no contact with her for 1 year as she was on year abroad course so except for messaging ocassionally , there was not much connection. During this time, I had met another girl whom I was head over heels with. I really really liked this girl and wanted a relationship. To me, she was the most perfect woman I had ever seen and I was struck by her ever since I saw her. It was mutual and she liked me as well Unfortunately, fate or destiny whatever you call it didnt have it in our favour. I spent 1 year hoping to get with her. She tried but I behaved rather erratic which led to a ton of miscommunication. She offered to clear the air but my ego got the worst out of me and I decided to escape the situation than talk it out. I kinda pushed all the blame on her and cut ties with her even though I really wanted to have a relationship with her. After that incident, I moved to Portugal and my now gf wis Portuguese and was from Lisbon. I didnt speak Portuguese so she helped a lot and we got close and had sex. Though our relationship is LDR as she is still studying at the university, she frequently comes here and I went to see her a few times. Things are going rather quickly and within 7 months months of being together, we met each others family and we were sharing pictures of us together on facebook/whatsapp. However, my mum recently met her and didnt like her. She told me that my girlfriend and I have no solid ground for a relationship as the only thing common is politics and sexual activities. She also pointed out that if the attraction was natural, it would have happened earlier rather than now and that too so quickly. And lastly, she pointed out that my girlfriend seems like a rebound or a cover for the girl I couldn't wanted to be with. Tbh, she indeed was the one I actively wanted a relationship with. I didn't have a girlfriend while I was at university and didnt even bother with my now girlfriend. After the debacle with her, I quickly got into this relationship. I do regret the mistakes I made with her. To be fairly honest, my girlfriend and I are good but we dont share that sort of connection that i had with her. I'm confused. What do you think? Is my relationship indeed a rebound situation? Or too quick for long term potential? If so, what advice do you have?
preraph Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Don't know about rebound, but I think your mom's assessment is right about it would have already happened if there was mutual momentum in that direction. My overall impression is this: You are still young and exploring and so are these girls. This is the time to do that. Don't kick yourself if you can't "pick one" and feel like settling down. There's plenty of time for that. Date and don't just date the ones you are overwhelmingly attracted to but date to get to know them and see who you click with and have fun for as long as it lasts without forcing it.
Piddy Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 7 months is enough time for you to know. What does you gut say? The infatuation stage is long over and you should know if you really like her and want to be with her. My experience is if it were a rebound you'd know it after around 3 months and you'd have already lost interest.
Author June2017 Posted December 1, 2019 Author Posted December 1, 2019 7 months is enough time for you to know. What does you gut say? The infatuation stage is long over and you should know if you really like her and want to be with her. My experience is if it were a rebound you'd know it after around 3 months and you'd have already lost interest. Well shes nice but the thing is that our relationship lacks the spark that I had with the former girl I mentioned. And we were friends before so nothing has changed since then except now we sleep with each other whenever we see each other and do couple things like take couple pics etc. That's it
Author June2017 Posted December 1, 2019 Author Posted December 1, 2019 Don't know about rebound, but I think your mom's assessment is right about it would have already happened if there was mutual momentum in that direction. My overall impression is this: You are still young and exploring and so are these girls. This is the time to do that. Don't kick yourself if you can't "pick one" and feel like settling down. There's plenty of time for that. Date and don't just date the ones you are overwhelmingly attracted to but date to get to know them and see who you click with and have fun for as long as it lasts without forcing it. Yeah that's what she was saying. Also in front of my friends and my girlfriend I tend to hide or not talk about my grandma and dads side as they hate the country they come from. So I keep that part of me under the rug because I will be excluded once I take sides of my grandma's country. So there's that issue too which my mom said that they like me because I act like them. Not because she accepts me for who I am.
Author June2017 Posted December 2, 2019 Author Posted December 2, 2019 Is this a too convenient relationship? Like my mom pointed that being a stranger in a new land, girl is from there and provides some familiarity hece the relationship? Otherwise as long as I wasn't there, I was into someone else which failed because fate didnt have it for us. Now its LDR but she thinks it's a bit too convenient for it to be real?
healing light Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 What would you feel if the girl you really, really liked came knocking on your door tomorrow? Would you still be interested in your current girlfriend? It does sound to me like your current girlfriend is the girlfriend of convenience or the "safe choice," not really someone that would hold your attention long-term. Why, if the first girl tried to work things out and you pushed all the blame on her/ran away, would you just go, "oh well, that's fate?" Sounds to me like you could take ownership of your part that went wrong and try to mend things in the future if you were both on the same page. Or at least try to process it so you don't push away someone you actually like in the future? Obviously I wouldn't attempt any of that as long as you still stay with your current girlfriend.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 It is a weird thing, but a lot of the time, the person you are dating shares the same exact feelings you do, but because we often do not communicate our real feelings, a lot of it goes unsaid and it feels like something else, when really that person felt that from you the whole time. As much as you feel like she is your rebound, she could very well feel the same way about you. For better or for worse, you need to open the lines of communication, because if you both share the same rebound feeling, it would be shame to try and build some sort of life on that type of foundation. At the same time, projecting our insecurities outward is something we all do, but tempering that feeling with logic and your past experiences is key. I have been the rebound guy so many times its crazy, but often, she is the rebound for me as well and the second it comes out that we both feel the same way, it is much easier to come to some sort of resolution to these insecurities.
Author June2017 Posted December 2, 2019 Author Posted December 2, 2019 What would you feel if the girl you really, really liked came knocking on your door tomorrow? Would you still be interested in your current girlfriend? It does sound to me like your current girlfriend is the girlfriend of convenience or the "safe choice," not really someone that would hold your attention long-term. Why, if the first girl tried to work things out and you pushed all the blame on her/ran away, would you just go, "oh well, that's fate?" Sounds to me like you could take ownership of your part that went wrong and try to mend things in the future if you were both on the same page. Or at least try to process it so you don't push away someone you actually like in the future? Obviously I wouldn't attempt any of that as long as you still stay with your current girlfriend. I do admit that if I have a shot with the first girl, I would definitely go back and fix all my mistakes. I really liked her and she was everything I wanted. I mean I first saw her and was like wow shes amazing, shes the one for me. Safe choice in the sense?
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