He wants a 3rd date but I’m not sure he’s genuinely interested?

[babybrowns]

I met a great guy recently and have been on two dates with him, he asked me out both times and wants a third. He put effort into finding nice bars to take me to for the first two dates and he wants to take me to dinner next time. However I am not sure if I want to go out with him again.

 

He ticks a lot of my boxes, I think he’s cool and I like him. But a very important box that he does not tick is that he does not seem genuinely interested in me. I seem to be the one asking most of the questions on our dates, and when I’m talking to him about myself he is not making much eye contact with me, looking around the venue (doesn’t look at other girls, more at things like the wallpaper, the lights near the bar, general things etc). This is offputting and is making me want to share even less about myself since it’s like I’m talking to a wall.

 

There is also not very much communication in between dates, it’s about every 2 days that he texts and it’s not a ‘how are you’ more like a ‘hope your having a good day, would you like to..?’. He recently texted to schedule date #3 for next week. Due to all this uncertainty that I have been feeling, I said I might have something on for that day already but that I’d let him know if I’m free. He didn’t reply to this.

 

I am wondering whether to give it one more shot, since I do like him a lot, just this factor about mutual interest is very important to me since it’s not that fun to have one-sided conversations. I don’t know if I should tell him how I feel?

 

Many thanks for your advice

[d0nnivain]

Maybe he's just shy & takes a while to warm up to people. Not everybody has to be in constant touch. Left to his own devices my husband would happily sit in silence forever. It's maddening sometimes but it certainly doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Go to dinner with him & ask him Qs about himself.

[babybrowns]

Go to dinner with him & ask him Qs about himself.

 

Thanks but that’s the point; I am the one asking questions and listening intently when he shares things about himself. He is not asking me much about myself and when I do talk about me, he is easily distracted and looking elsewhere. It is offputting since I don’t feel that there is genuine interest from his end.

[d0nnivain]

Then don't go.

 

I tend to err on the side of optimism but you are the one on the dates with him. Trust your own observations & gut feelings.

[babybrowns]

Optimism had me agreeing to a second date because the first one was really not that fun for me for the same reasons. He doesn’t make much eye contact when I’m sharing stuff about myself which is a dealbreaker for me. But I do like him which is why I’m a little on the fence, it has just been 2 dates after all. Not sure what I’ll do

[mortensorchid]

This reminds me of a guy I met for OLDs a few years ago. I could tell on our first meeting that this guy was a wimp, unfortunately for him. I asked him on the first meeting/date what he did for fun or his interests, he said he wanted to do something other than just meet his buddies and play cards. He would only call/text a few days later and he wouldn't choose the place for us to meet - he let me do that. We would meet, have a meal, and talk about very little. This went on for six weeks. No really. He never even asked me my last name, or suggested other things to do other than meet and eat. I only said yes to it because I didn't feel like cooking that day.

 

So ... If this sounds like your guy, then ask yourself if there's anything in it for you other than a free dinner.

[preraph]

My guess is he's trying to get to the third date and hoping you have sex with him at the prescribed third date. But he sounds like a bore, so with him avoiding eye contact with you and acting bored out of his mind when you talk about yourself after having indulged him asking about him, I don't think I'd go again, but I mean, it's only a date, so go if you want to, but some people aren't interested in other people, only themselves, and if he seems find to talk about himself but has no interest in who you are, you KNOW it's just him trying to get sex, and that's probably all it's ever going to be.

[Art_Critic]

My guess is he's trying to get to the third date and hoping you have sex with him at the prescribed third date.

 

That's it.. he is just looking to get his noodle wet..

 

Pass on this guy OP...

[babybrowns]

My guess is he's trying to get to the third date and hoping you have sex with him at the prescribed third date. But he sounds like a bore, so with him avoiding eye contact with you and acting bored out of his mind when you talk about yourself after having indulged him asking about him, I don't think I'd go again, but I mean, it's only a date, so go if you want to, but some people aren't interested in other people, only themselves, and if he seems find to talk about himself but has no interest in who you are, you KNOW it's just him trying to get sex, and that's probably all it's ever going to be.

 

This thought crossed my mind too, I once dated someone with similar characteristics who ended up just wanting sex. That person however would not put any effort in or do ‘proper dates’, making the 3rd date be at his house. But this person, seems to be a little different. We are both educated people in our early 30’s and have interesting discussions about things, he never even flirts with me. I’m just wondering whether I should chat to him about how I feel or just leave it at the ‘will let you know’ response to him wanting a 3rd date?

[smackie9]

It's quite possible he's on the spectrum.

[greymatter]

When you have talked about yourself, what was the content of what you shared? Please give examples.

[Saracena]

Forget dating, in any new friendship this would be very offputting for the other person, having someone not give you the time of day when you’re sharing things about yourself.

 

Completely agree. We had an ex-colleague exactly like this who accompanied us on nights out etc. During normal (non-work) conversations she was looking beyond the person who was talking, checking out the waiter etc. We came to the conclusion she was just a very self-obsessed individual, who essentially only wanted someone to go out with! How does he respond when you ask him questions? Out of interest, what does he do for a living?

 

I'm not saying this is the case with this new guy but beyond being shy (lack of eye contact could indicate this) and taking time to 'warm-up' in the presence of new people, I would find his behaviour very off-putting. It's possible he'll open-up a bit etc with time so I would go on the third date and see what happens. It's possible your suspicions about wanting sex are correct but only time will tell!

[preraph]

Nah, it's just rude to be looking around when someone is talking to you. Whether it's swivel-heading and scanning the room or being engrossed in their phone when you're talking. Pretty basic bad manners and lack of social skills, or both. Remember, people are on their BEST behavior when you first start dating them. They only go downhill from there.