An Abrupt Ending (with someone unstable)

[savannahtree]

Hello,

 

I recently had a pretty confusing experience with someone that I was dating and figured it would help to get it out and hear others' opinions.

 

So I met a someone through Hinge (I'm 25 male, she 23 female), in October. The messaging on Hinge was quite back and forth. She would reply very quickly. I usually try to restrain from being too instant but I thought what the heck. It was fun and the girl I was seeing before had ended things a month before so I was feeling a little lonely.. As is the custom, after a few days of messages I suggested we meet for a drink sometime. Yes. Then we start messaging on Whatsapp instead. Again, the messaging is pretty instant and fun. She always replied quickly so I mirrored it slightly.

 

1st Date:

Typical first date. We met for a few drinks at a pub. She was very anxious and couldn't sit still, constantly checking her phone and looking very spaced out etc. I thought it was cute and I'm quite good at asking questions so I pretty much carried the whole conversation. It was fun, we clicked, and I took an instant liking to her. I also learned that she had a past eating disorder. I didn't pry any further on that - not on a first date. I walked her to the train station, said it would be nice to do it again, she agreed, we had a pretty romantic kiss, and we went our own ways.

 

She messaged me that night when she was nearly home and needless to say the messaging became constant again, more fun and flirty, getting to know each other a bit more, asking how our days are going, what we're doing, sending pictures, the usual.

 

2nd Date:

Typical second date. We met again one week after the first and got to each other better in person with the help of alcohol. Great body language, we both knew that we were feeling it and that we'd sleep with each other later.. After 2 pints and a couple of awkward kisses in the first pub that made her blush, we went to another pub for a change of scenery.

 

Things got pretty deep in that second pub. She opened up a lot, told me that she tried to kill herself 3 times in the past, that she was depressed, used to be anorexic and that she'd been raped. I didn't really know how to react to that but felt a surge of empathy for her as, while not anywhere near as bad, I've had my fair share of depression. I was a bit speechless, but she said she wanted me to open up, so I did a little, but nothing like what she said. I guess after that it felt like there was some sort of connection. She kept instigating kissing, which I was not complaining about.

 

After the 4th pint of the night we went back to mine for a pretty magical and intimate night. I have to admit, I was pretty smitten when I woke up. The 'this might be the one' feelings were hitting me pretty hard. We had sex again in the morning, had breakfast, watched some tv with her lay on me. All very lovely and romantic.

 

She leaves to go to work. The messaging continues ceaselessly and I up the flirtiness. She messages asking what I'm doing that night, I reply with 'wishing I was spending it with you..' (in a jokey way), which see seemed to take well. I said my pillow smelled of her, that kinda stuff. As you can see, I was totally feeling it and clearly thought she was too otherwise I wouldn't get carried away so easily.

 

I had a pretty busy weekend with my band mate that weekend. My band mate is a girl, my best friend, who I love a lot (as a friend). I didn't message my date for most of Sunday because I was recording, but after recording I messaged her to get the conversation going again. Usual talk, then I asked if she wanted to hear the new song. I sent it to her. She didn't really respond to it, but rather asked 'what's the deal' with my band mate. I asked 'what do you mean?', she gave a shrug emoji, and that was the end of that conversation that night. I was pretty worried that she thought that I was sleeping with my band mate or something.

 

I pick the conversation back up the next morning but it felt a little different - you know that feeling you just can't shake that something doesn't feel the same? Anyway, I later asked if I could take her out to dinner in the week. She said yep. Awesome, and the conversation picked back up, but from then, she started messaging a lot about what she was eating, or rather what she wasn't eating, calories, and things like 'I wish it was healthy to get all your calories from alcohol'. It seemed that her psst eating disorder was still quite prevalent in her mind. Conversation still all good, then through passive chat I found out that she's on antidepressants, and the more health related messages increased - she told me that she had a minor heart impairment, and more messages about food and calories. I was beginning to feel like more of a helper than a date.

 

3rd Date:

She messaged me to say she's in a bad mood and that food is the worst today. I asked if I should cancel the table, she said no. We meet for a drink first. All good. We go to the restaurant, all good, but she doesn't really eat much. After, I suggest we go to a bar closer to mine, she says that she wants to sleep in her own bed that night. No problem at all. Obviously I'm not going to force anyone to do anything, but I must admit that I was a little disappointed - I thought we'd have another great night. We walk to another pub, I stop her to kiss her but she wasn't into it, so I felt a bit awkward.

 

There was a bit of an awkward silence in the pub. I wondered if she suddenly wasn't feeling me and she was acting quite strange. I wanted to get to know her more, given all the personal things she had told told me. I asked how long she'd been on antidepressants for - she said about 4 years, but that it was a very personal question. I apologised and again felt a bit awkward. Something just wasn't right. She was acting strange, I asked if she was okay, she started freaking out a bit, told me to entertain her. I said I'm trying but it's kinda hard when my date is acting like this (as a joke), then she started apologising and saying that she was so close to cancelling tonight. I didn't really know what to say, then she starts kissing me, I say this is making me really want you to come back to mine (joke), I tell her I don't just want to sleep with her, I just want to lie next to her. Pretty deep talk I know, but I was infatuated! She said she could do something on the weekend. I say sure and that I'm not the kinda guy to push, so let me know if you want to do this.

 

We leave. I walk her to the train station. We kiss a couple of times on the way, I put my arms round her, trying to keep it romantic. Long goodbye kiss outside the station, holding each other's hands, I whisper 'come back' to her in a cute way. We go our separate ways. I reach out to hold her coat and bring her in for a cheeky kiss. Trying to keep it romantic..

 

She messaged me half n hour later, 'thank you so much for dinner x', we message a bit that night, and conversation carries on in the morning. More messages about food, calories. We arrange to go out Saturday.

 

Friday:

Conversation the same, then on the night she says she wants to go the pub. I say I would but wouldn't be free til later, she asks what I'm doing, I told her I had friends coming over and that she'd be welcome to come (not expecting her to come..), then she starts messaging about food again and how little she's had and that she gets so many calories from alcohol. She lists everything she's eaten that day. I tell her it's important to eat properly, she says it's bull**** and that you should listen to your body. I don't want to engage in this so ask her how her day was, then we arrange where we'll meet on the next day.

 

Plans made, I get into bed and then, I get a huge paragraph saying that pursuing this will be unhealthy for her, she thinks it would get too deep too quick, she doesn't want to lead me on, she needs time to herself etc. I was super confused but I'm really not going to push back, so I say that's fair enough, that's a shame, and I hope that she's okay as I can tell she's going through a rough patch. She says it's weird and she's never felt like this before. I ask what she means, she says 'ending something for my own good'. I tell her you always needs to put yourself first, that I agreed it was getting deep pretty quick, but also that I was a little confused but it's fine. I ask if she wants to leave it here or meet to talk. She says we should leave it here unless I want to meet up. I say it would be nice, she says it's up to me, so I say let's do it. However, she can no longer do Saturday and suggests Sunday, to which I say I can't do.

 

On Sunday morning, I feel like I want to meet up so I say I can actually be free. She says she's had a **** weekend so she doesn't know, then messages 2 hours later to say it's up to me, then 2 hours again after to say she can do a weekday. I just ignored them and thought it better to just move on, so I message her the day after saying I'm sorry she had a **** weekend and hope that she's okay.

 

A week later I feel that I want to understand what she meant when she said it was for her own good to end it, so I message, and she later replies saying it a feeling in the gut, and that she wasn't comfortable with the intensity. I say that I wasn't very comfortable with it either, but that I thought what the heck (because that's what you do in those situations - you take the risk), and I say that it got a bit carried away on the 2nd date. She said that it wasn't so much the 2nd date, but more so because of it. I agree and say it felt like you were feeling it so it's my bad for gauging it wrong. I didn't think she'd reply to that, there was no need to, but then she does later in the night, saying, 'you said that you wished you were spending the night with me again and that your pillow smelled of me. That was way too much. Terrifying vibes'.

 

And that hurt. I'd opened up to her because she had to me, and she threw it right back in my face. I said that it was supposed to be sweet and funny, sorry that she took it in a negative way, and then said let's leave it here. She replied with 'indeed'.

 

So the whole thing has left me feeling pretty weird. I feel like a bit of a fool for getting carried away with it, and it's hurt me pretty bad. I guess when she told me about her past it hit some emotion in me and I thought that she was totally up for something romantic, and then when she said that what I had said was terrifying, that really made me me feel like a bit of a creep. I feel like she just said that to try and put the blame on me more so. I've told a few girls about it and they've all said that how I acted wasn't weird at all, and that ultimately she was the confused one.

 

Looking back, I do feel I went in too much too soon, but it's hard not to when you feel infatuated and you think they're on the same level.

 

Anyway, would love to hear people's thoughts and if anyone has similar stories to tell..

 

Cheers!

[Cersei]

Here is what I see:

 

She knows She has problems and is working on them. She was on her best behavior when you first met.

 

She tested the waters and told you about them and you did not run. So then she let her guard down now and her true self is coming out.

 

I say run, the drama has just begun!

[OatsAndHall]

IME, it's a huge red flag when someone is too open about their past; her eating disorder, suicide attempts, etc..etc.. It generally shows that they've haven't worked through their issues and that they're really not in the best place to date.

 

 

This became pretty clear when she reacted to your female band mate. She became anxious and started fixating on food and calories. That is a classic symptom of an eating disorder that's not being handled well; something upset her and she started to focus on what she can control; her food.

 

 

 

 

 

Also, the oversharing creates a false sense of intimacy that can turn around and bite you. She unloaded a lot of extremely private information on you but gaslights you by saying your comment about the pillow was over the top. She talked about suicide attempts but you mention your pillow smelling like her and she runs with that? Not kosher.

 

 

I suggest that you batten down the hatches; block and avoid her but be prepared for a possible chit storm. And, in the future, cut things off quickly with people that overshare, especially when it comes to serious medical issues.

[balletomane]

This woman is not in any position to be dating anybody. At least she realized that after the second date.

 

Someone going so deep into their mental health history on a second date would make me cautious. That's almost always a sign that their problems are still a big part of their life. Someone whose anorexia was in the past wouldn't feel the need to bring it up so soon. I'm not saying that people with mental health difficulties can't have relationships (that would write off roughly literally 25% of the population, including me - I have PTSD myself) but if those difficulties are dominating the person's life to the point where they start treating a newcomer to their lives as a source of support, it's not going to work out. As you noticed, she was treating you as a helper, which isn't a good sign. If she were getting proper treatment and support she wouldn't need you to fulfil that role.

 

I hope you don't feel hurt for too long. In future, take things slower, and be a little more wary if someone shares such deeply personal things on a second date. For what it's worth, I think you handled the situation compassionately.

[savannahtree]

Cheers guys.

 

The reassurance helps!

 

I know it should have been a big red flag but it's so easy to get caught up in these things when you want it to work out.

 

I should also add that on the 2nd date she told me she had been in a 4 year on and off relationship that ended in August. I didn't want to talk about mine - I've been dating around for the past 2 years and don't feel it's an appropriate topic to discuss with a potential partner so early on.

 

Also on the 3rd date, I asked her what she meant when she asked what's the deal with my band mate. Her reply was, 'Oh I see how that could have been interpreted.' I said that I thought you meant if I was sleeping her, she said, 'no, but have you?' I'm pretty sure that is actually what she meant..!

[princessaurora]

This poor girl definitely has mental issues and it doesn't sound like they're being properly treated. She's either not on the right dose of meds and/ or needs more counseling to heal from her past trauma. It sounds like she's trying to make you her personal therapist. Just for the record,I had both of these things happen to me when I was in high school and it took quite awhile for me to get to a stable place in my life afterwards with extensive therapy. (Mine was date rape and it wasnt violent, but I was a virgin and it still traumatized me) I sought out the help I needed to work through it and once I started dating again I never brought it up until things were getting serious. That is how a person which has come to acceptance of it would do. I hope this girl will get to that point one day because she will most likely lose everyone who falls for her if she doesnt.

 

You were kind and supportive of this girl, but she is just not ready for a relationship. She may be trying to replace her horrible sexual experience with good ones to wash away her memories of the rape (This is what I did at first and imbibed quite a bit to make sure I would go through with it), but then soon realizes she is in over her head and may even deliberately be using tactics like telling you everything she ate and that" she wishes she could just drink to get her calories" to make you run. Unstable people know how to drive someone away if they get too close. They enjoy the euphoria of finding someone they click with and how good it feels to sleep with them, but when they realize the person is serious, its like an "oh crap" moment. You fell for her too fast and she is is no emotional state to handle that.

 

That's my opinion.

[savannahtree]

This poor girl definitely has mental issues and it doesn't sound like they're being properly treated. She's either not on the right dose of meds and/ or needs more counseling to heal from her past trauma. It sounds like she's trying to make you her personal therapist. Just for the record,I had both of these things happen to me when I was in high school and it took quite awhile for me to get to a stable place in my life afterwards with extensive therapy. (Mine was date rape and it wasnt violent, but I was a virgin and it still traumatized me) I sought out the help I needed to work through it and once I started dating again I never brought it up until things were getting serious. That is how a person which has come to acceptance of it would do. I hope this girl will get to that point one day because she will most likely lose everyone who falls for her if she doesnt.

 

You were kind and supportive of this girl, but she is just not ready for a relationship. She may be trying to replace her horrible sexual experience with good ones to wash away her memories of the rape (This is what I did at first and imbibed quite a bit to make sure I would go through with it), but then soon realizes she is in over her head and may even deliberately be using tactics like telling you everything she ate and that" she wishes she could just drink to get her calories" to make you run. Unstable people know how to drive someone away if they get too close. They enjoy the euphoria of finding someone they click with and how good it feels to sleep with them, but when they realize the person is serious, its like an "oh crap" moment. You fell for her too fast and she is is no emotional state to handle that.

 

That's my opinion.

 

Cheers Aurora,

 

Yep, it definitely crossed my mind that she may have been deliberately trying to put me off. Who knows. Could be a combination of different things.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your own past experience.

[Saracena]

I fully agree this girl isn't ready to date, so I'd let her go. Sorry things didn't work out for you but this would have been fraught with difficulties!

 

One thing I'd like to add though is having conversations like this over text is never satisfactory and just leads to ambiguity, misinterpretation and lack of clarity and uncertainty. It would have been best to have had this talk over the phone or in person.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds to me as if you handled this wonderfully! She's a basket case and is projecting on you when she says you moved too fast. You were sensitive to her needs the entire way through and saying the pillow smells like her and you wish she were there is nothing compared to all she unloaded on you the first date and the entire time.

 

Run fast and far!

[Redhead14]

I recently had a pretty confusing experience

 

 

You're confused because . . . SHE's confused. She's unstable. Do yourself a big favor -- Block, delete, forget.

[Redhead14]

I recently had a pretty confusing experience

 

 

You're confused because . . . SHE's confused. Do yourself a big favor -- Block, delete, forget.