sam light Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 I've dated a fair amount. Sometimes the chemistry isn't there. I'm fine with that. Just say it. It's annoying when someone won't come out and tell you it's a lost cause. "Thanks, had a great time" is the kind of thing that leads one to think things are still viable. Ghosting and neutral messages leave someone awkwardly trying to communicate until they realize that the other isn't interested. It's simple, be nice. Don't say he/she is a deplorable abomination, just say "you're a nice guy/gal, but the chemistry just isn't there. Thanks for a lovely lunch. Good luck, Take care" 2
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Just say it. I’m not sure each person you go out with owes you a Yelp review (5 stars!). Besides, if you’re interested in someone and all you get back is neutral or, even worse, no communication, isn’t the message pretty clear? Mr. Lucky 5
basil67 Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Sam, you may accept this kind of response graciously, but many guys don't. They want to know why. They want to argue. They want another chance. Frankly, it's the kind of situation which many women feel safer to avoid. 10
Ruby Slippers Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 ^ Yes. I used to try giving a man some polite clue about what wasn't doing it for me, feedback on something that could be improved, thinking it may help him in the future. But 95% of them don't take it well and respond with hostility, so now I just keep it to myself. 2
Trail Blazer Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 I haven't had one date have to tell me they're not keen afterwards. Unfortunately I've been the one who hasn't wanted to progress. Every time I've been honest and told the girls that I don't wish to proceed, they've seemingly taken it well. One thanked me for my honesty. It seems women don't do this a lot. From what I've heard, and read here on LS, men don't take rejection well. The last thing women want to do is explain why they just weren't feeling it. I don't really blame them. If I kept getting grilled by women every time I gently let them down, I'd probably get over it and just start ghosting, too. 2
OatsAndHall Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 I would rather be ghosted than placated. It's rare that I get something as simple as "I don't see us being a good fit" when a woman explains why she doesn't want to see me. It's generally a whole lot of "it's not you; it's me" garbage which I can certainly live without. 5
Saracena Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 IBesides, if you’re interested in someone and all you get back is neutral or, even worse, no communication, isn’t the message pretty clear? Mr. Lucky Exactly. OP people do (and don't) say all sorts of things but it's always best to judge them by their actions. Save you a lot of grief in the long-run! 1
smackie9 Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 An interested person will want to hear from you, will contact you, will interact with you with any kind of means of communication, will agree to a date and time to see each other again, etc. It will be obvious. The way I would do it go by their response when you ask them out again. If you get anything but a yes, it's a no. A maybe or that sounds nice, or I have to check to see what I'm doing, blah blah bub blah. forget about them.
mortensorchid Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 I wish there was an all purpose answer to things like this. Ghosting is not a good thing to do but unfortunately most do that (be they men or women) because it's the easiest thing to do (and cowardly of course). I have had guys literally walk away from me once the date is over with and say "bye". Talk about rude. I have also had guys (one about a year ago) who I would meet in a restaurant and he'd say "I ate already" and not even get a drink - alcohol or not - to nurse while we had our awkward evening. One time I did meet someone in a coffee shop years ago and it was like talking to a brick wall. I updated everyone on the forum here about it and I said at the end of this bad evening "I am guessing we won't be seeing each other again after this". He said "No, we won't." I said "You and I are not a good match." He said "Not by a long shot." We shook hands and gave each other smiles, left in good spirits, and never talked again. Everyone on the forum came down on me for that one even though that was the right and most courteous thing to do. So as you can see, you really can't win if you take the approach of doing the most courteous thing by saying at the end of the date "I had a nice time, thank you, but I really don't see us as a good match", or if you have an awkward but clearly uninterested good-bye, or even just walk away from someone like a few have done to me. All you can do is read what others can and do say during the encounter and find out from there. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Sam, you may accept this kind of response graciously, but many guys don't. They want to know why. They want to argue. They want another chance. Frankly, it's the kind of situation which many women feel safer to avoid. Exactly. Many men seem to think a woman doesn't know her own mind/know what's best for her. It's annoying. 3
The Outlaw Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 That'd be great, but sometimes it's just better not knowing why. In the long run, you're far better off without them anyway. Some people just don't want a possible confrontation, or just feel they don't owe you any explanation. I've been on the receiving end of it before and I'm happier that it didn't work out.
elaine567 Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Be careful for what you wish for. "You are dull, boring, banal, uninspiring and ignorant, and the most tiresome man I have ever met. The sex was awful, the thought of you touching me creeps me out and as for the kissing ugh! I never, ever, want to see you again so don't bother trying to keep in touch..." 1
TheFinalWord Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 (edited) For women that are saying it's not worth it because men can get hostile. That is fair. I think it depends on the amount of time shared. If you've been on a few dates, I think it's respectful to at least get a reason. Use the golden rule. Would you want closure? Or has it been such a short amount of time that you wouldn't care about getting feedback yourself, if the ending was his decision instead of yours? If you would want a reason should the roles be reversed, well, you might want to make sure that you're not saying why to him because you don't want to do something that will make you uncomfortable. I can say for men that are mature and open-minded, it can help. I have had several women give me reasons for why they weren't interested. If it's something you can't change, well that's kind of pointless to share because it can't be changed. But I have had women tell me particular behaviors that turned them off, and it was helpful advice actually. Again, I think the golden rule applies. Edited December 1, 2019 by TheFinalWord 1
Berteau Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Sam, you may accept this kind of response graciously, but many guys don't. They want to know why. They want to argue. They want another chance. Frankly, it's the kind of situation which many women feel safer to avoid. Unless you’re serious, you’re communicating through text. What’s not “safe” about texting you’re not interested? I hate it when some women keep responding like they’re Interested and then cancel or waste your time.
balletomane Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Unless you’re serious, you’re communicating through text. What’s not “safe” about texting you’re not interested? I hate it when some women keep responding like they’re Interested and then cancel or waste your time. My first 'boyfriend' declared himself to be my boyfriend the second time we met by ourselves, and was talking about marriage/kids the third time. (I was nineteen, he was twenty-four, and we knew one another through church.) I was very shy and inexperienced, but I knew this couldn't be normal. I told him that I just wasn't interested. He sent me a novel-length angsty email telling me how I needed to listen to the will of God, plus multiple texts, which he followed up by an anguished phone call (he was in tears) suggesting that we talk to his pastor for some "proper advice". He wasn't unsafe, in that he would never have been physically violent to me. But I didn't want to get a barrage of texts and emails from this guy I barely knew but who had decided unilaterally that we should get married, and I imagine a lot of women don't want to open themselves up to that possibility either, especially if there's a chance the reply could be unkind and aggressive. 1
Foxhall Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Once you have been on a fair amount of first dates, say 6, you pretty much know instinctively whether you are getting a second date or not, one needs a certain thick skin I suppose if they are continuously unsuccessful, can get a little demoralising, not easy out there but could be worse!
Trail Blazer Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Once you have been on a fair amount of first dates, say 6, you pretty much know instinctively whether you are getting a second date or not, one needs a certain thick skin I suppose if they are continuously unsuccessful, can get a little demoralising, not easy out there but could be worse! One just as easily knows if they want to go on a second date or not. I've found that out on many occasions. Perhaps they picked that up on their end, but then at least one didn't in my experience.
Art_Critic Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Unless you’re serious, you’re communicating through text. What’s not “safe” about texting you’re not interested? I hate it when some women keep responding like they’re Interested and then cancel or waste your time. I think you underestimate the effect of words with an abusive tone to them. When I was doing OLD it was amazing how many women would say they got called names for saying "sorry, you're not my cup of tea". Many guys would continue the abuse till they got blocked. Many of the names they had said they got called are all the same ones we all know. I have even known a couple of women who went out on a date or 2 and wound up with stalkers as well... If I was a girl doing OLD there is no way I wouldn't ghost with the guys I had no investment with.
Author sam light Posted December 2, 2019 Author Posted December 2, 2019 Myself, I take polite rejection well. But I see that many others handle it poorly. I should change my post to "Just say it, and just accept it". The replies imply that 99% of rejections are by women. I actually meant either gender.
ChatroomHero Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 I used to rely on the words and look for clues. I find most people just don't want to deal with either side of rejection. After years, i started going by their actions and it made everything fall into place a lot quicker. I find it takes longer for me to get invested, I don't get as frustrated with being 'led on' and I am not shocked or disappointed when the 'maybe' day comes and I get no responses and then an excuse later when I judge on actions. I don't think you really need anyone to outright tell you, I think you generally already know and suspect but try to convince yourself otherwise. I think a lot of people hear, "You're a nice guy...but I don't think we are a match" and focus on the "You're a nice guy..." and ignore the rest. If you sit back and judge the actions, it comes down to if she wants to date me she will make it easy to see her. Either it is easy to see her or it's not. In most cases it's that simple and I understand she may not want to feel bad about rejecting me directly and since her actions say what her words might not, it's not a surprise if you are looking at the right things.
gaius Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Do you have the same sort of difficulty in other aspects of your life? Find yourself chugging rotten milk because the foul odor and floating chunks didn't register as a hint to you? And the milk didn't come out and directly say it wasn't good anymore? It would probably be more beneficial to work on developing the skills you lack, rather than demand the world change for you.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 I'd be open about why I wasn't interested in a guy if he sincerely communicated that he wanted to know for his own self-improvement and would not lash out at me for being honest. I'm an idealist, want everyone to find true love and be happy, and I understand that it's very difficult to be objective about yourself.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Myself, I take polite rejection well. But I see that many others handle it poorly. I should change my post to "Just say it, and just accept it". You still haven't explained why someone, perhaps after a single date, owes you this type of analytical feedback ??? Mr. Lucky
newyorker11356 Posted December 4, 2019 Posted December 4, 2019 (edited) I used to rely on the words and look for clues. I find most people just don't want to deal with either side of rejection. After years, i started going by their actions and it made everything fall into place a lot quicker. I find it takes longer for me to get invested, I don't get as frustrated with being 'led on' and I am not shocked or disappointed when the 'maybe' day comes and I get no responses and then an excuse later when I judge on actions. I don't think you really need anyone to outright tell you, I think you generally already know and suspect but try to convince yourself otherwise. I think a lot of people hear, "You're a nice guy...but I don't think we are a match" and focus on the "You're a nice guy..." and ignore the rest. If you sit back and judge the actions, it comes down to if she wants to date me she will make it easy to see her. Either it is easy to see her or it's not. In most cases it's that simple and I understand she may not want to feel bad about rejecting me directly and since her actions say what her words might not, it's not a surprise if you are looking at the right things. For me, I've realized I can tell very quickly based on their texting habits after the first date (same night). And/Or, when I text them saying I got home and if they did as well and that I enjoyed meeting and hope to see them again soon. If they don't respond by saying something like "me too!", or not acknowledging that I want another date with them, or they say something like "thanks" or they enjoyed meeting me (but not mentioning doing another date), then it's not happening. A couple have been very direct in responding to a text like that with they thought I was a nice guy, but they're not interested in another date. Far and few between, but I respect them for being direct like that. Edited December 4, 2019 by newyorker11356
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 4, 2019 Posted December 4, 2019 I set one of my buddies up with this chick I knew, he didn't even know I was involved, but they met at some point, added each other on facebook and she saw we were mutual friends so she reached out to me and I vouched for him, was like yeah hes a good guy, had the same job for close to 8 years now, yadda yadda. This isn't just any guy either, he is a close friend. About a month and a half in, she is just flat honest with him and like "We won't work" and he told her he wanted her to pay him all the money he spent on her throughout their time together and actually had like a specific number. I never spoke to him about it, but soon after me and her lost contact entirely, it was just embarrassing. I can see why some women want to play it at a distance, but as a man, you have to be conditioned through rejection in order to really be successful in the dating game. As men, we are built to endure rejection, but for women, a rejection can be a life changing experience, on both ends. At the same time, I know some women who get really turned on by guys who fight their rejection.. Like a lot of my girlfriends are in the habit of outright rejecting a guy just to see if he comes back and almost presses her a little for her attention... Gotta be careful with that one though.
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