BrotherD Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 Yowser... 5 weeks ago SO said "I don't want to be in a relationship right now..." I said "you're not staying here tonight...See ya..." I watched the tailights dissappear into the night.. After a nasty breakup in '03, I found LS and it helped me immeasurably in understanding the dynamics of relationships. Based on what I learned, when the bad news was delivered, I broke off all contact. Zilch. Nothing. Again that was 5 weeks ago. At week two, an interesting clue . I painted my back porch and I noticed there was a footprint ever so delicately imprinted in the fresh paint. Hmmm I thought. Only close friends and family come to the back porch. At any rate just this last Thursday, there is a knock at the back door. I open it and am face to face with the ex! The following transpires; We hug and kiss. talk for two hours (the ex admits stopping by unannounced SEVERAL times, but missed meeting up. Didn't phone ahead or leave messages... HMMMM) We agree we'll crash together We have sex In the morning packs up and goes. Felt great. I had a sense of relief. Then the hollow emptiness set in. What a tremendous MIXED MESSAGE! In essence, what the ex "said" was "I don't want to be in a realtionship right now, yet I've stopped by unannounced several times and when we connect, we'll make sweet love..." (We kissed so hard and passionately, I'm surprized my lips weren't bleeding. I was lucky to get out with skin still left on my face...yeesh!) A booty call? Maybe. But if you're not into it, why not go to bar and pick up some horny geezer there? Why bother me? What I came away with is the following. The ex is like a flighty house cat. If you try and grab the cat, it runs under the couch just slightly eluding your reach. IF you say "what the hell, you stupid cat," next thing you know the finicky feline is sitting on your knee purring and preening... THIS IS THEIR NATURE. IT IS HOW THEY WALK THROUGH THE WORLD...If you wait around, the kooky cat will come out from behind the couch and allow you to pet her. Repeat etc... BUT IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP? It's not what I want in a relationship. Alot of people break up because they are immature or have some phobia about being tied down. It has nothing to do with us. Our bodies are fine. Our teeth are white enough. Our sexual prowess is above average etc etc. It has to do with them and how they were harshly toilet trained as children. DO NOT internalize. Date other people. No Contact brought this clarity. But remember this... If you leave them alone, they eventually will come 'round For better or worse Brother D
heartnsoul Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 Wow. I read alot about the ex popping back out of the blue BUT when should all hope be lost?? What is the average time frame for this craziness?? I've been NC for 2 months now and I'm still hurting.
Okeydokey Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 When do you know that the ex won't pop up again? I know the last poster and I probably didn't get the message you were trying to send: do NC, ignore the ex when they come back and date other people. Don't break NC.... Does it count as NC when ex sends work related e-mails, mixed with personal questions and you take a while to respond and only answer the work stuff and ignore the personal?
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Does it count as NC when ex sends work related e-mails, mixed with personal questions and you take a while to respond and only answer the work stuff and ignore the personal? That's breaking NC .. You would say more by saying nothing and ignoring ALL of his emails.. Unless of course you can't ignore the work emails.. Then you need to reply to one of his personal question emails with a don't ever send a personal email to me ever again replies..
Drivetildriven Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 "Alot of people break up because they are immature or have some phobia about being tied down." You're damn right about that one brotherD. That's 90% of why my ex woman left me. She is 24 going on 19. I got led on by someone who 'didn't know who she was' for three years.
heartnsoul Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 I really enjoyed reading this thread. Makes all the sense in the world! However, I think the OP had this epiphany AFTER NC was broken. Hence my silly original reply. When you're longing for something (IMO) and it comes to fruition is when you can truly see the reality of the situation at hand. Has anyone seen the movie "Swingers" ??
dprelz Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 "Alot of people break up because they are immature or have some phobia about being tied down." You're damn right about that one brotherD. That's 90% of why my ex woman left me. She is 24 going on 19. I got led on by someone who 'didn't know who she was' for three years. You don't know how much I understand that quote.
ediefy Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Well, I've been doing NC for about 5 months now. The ex has never tried to contact me in all of that time and we've never run into each other (I stay away from his part of town and our old friends). I heard a few weeks ago from the only person I still talk to once in a great while that the ex was thinking of "calling me for dinner" because he found something of mine that he wants to return. The person who told me this said that he told the ex he thought it would be cruel to call me like that--did he want to get back together with me, he asked, or was it just to alleviate the ex's guilt for breaking up with me as he did (without any warning, in email, after 2 years together)? The ex said he'd think about it some more. (Interesting to me that he doesn't just mail whatever it is back to me and be done with it.) So, the ex (who is back online dating again, which is how we met) has not called yet, but I have that "the other shoe drops" feeling that he might, and I'm not sure how I'll respond if I answer the phone and he's on the line. Someone suggested saying, "Oh, you found your spine!" I have played out various possibilities in my head, knowing that I could never go back with the guy at this point, but wanting to handle whatever the interaction is with class. I've been pretty classy all along, called him once two weeks after we broke up to see if we could break up better (like, go talk in front of a therapist or counselor, just to get some closure, since there was none at all). He wasn't interested, and managed to make the phone call be all about him--not even an apology or a "how are you doing?" or anything like that. Mostly the call was about him being angry at me for asking him to come get his stuff from my house immediately, and for telling a few people that he broke up with me in email. Seems I took control of the breakup and the spin about the breakup away from him. After that, I sent him one short closure letter (for my own edification) and the lyrics to a song I wrote about the whole thing, and that's it--no stalking, no calling, no begging to get back together, no checking up on him by seeing old friends or keeping in touch with his family. So. Any advice here? Has anyone else had to deal with this situation? He may never call, of course, but my guess is that he will, eventually. How he'd start such a phone call, I don't know, after 5 or 6 or 9 months of being completely incommunicado. But I'm more concerned about how I am going to respond--I want to stay centered, balanced, strong, and clear. I loved the guy. I still don't know why he broke up with me, since we never got to talk about it at all (and really, there was nothing in his behavior up until the day I got the email that would have made me think there was something wrong--he was affectionate, calling me "my love," insisting on holding my hand in the car, etc. three days before I got that email). Thanks in advance for any advice/suggestions/ideas/comments/experiences anyone might share with me.
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