lovesfool Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 I seem to always be asking for advice on this forum. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing! So I matched with a guy on Tinder last week. To avoid endless chats, I decided to ask him on a date straight away. He said yes, which I was really happy about because he seemed out of my league. We met up for a drink on Wednesday, which then turned into 2.. then finished with 5! We seemed to get on very well, with only a couple of moments where there was brief silence. Every time we finished a drink he would ask if I wanted another one, and I declined for the last two (just to be polite!), but he said he'd like to stay longer. He even told me he was supposed to leave to go home after two drinks! Just before I got into my cab, he leaned in for a kiss and said goodbye. He gave me his number afterwards, so this all pointed to good things, right? So then I messaged him a few times, but his replies were very low effort and brief (but was like that on Tinder before we met too). He said he wouldn't have his phone on for most of Thursday and had a work party on Friday evening. He doesn't seem very interested in messaging and it feels like I'm doing all the work. Today I sent him a message and he hasn't read it yet (6 hours later!), despite being online and active regularly through the day. He did say he was very hungover, but I don't see why he can't message. I don't mind if he's not interested (although it seemed on our date he really was, so it's a bit confusing). He could easily have had another date on Friday night and clicked much better with her, which happens and can accept that. I'm not asking you to figure out what he's thinking, because that's impossible. The advice I'm looking for is, should I message him asking if he's interested in meeting again? I know some people will think it sounds desperate, but I like being straightforward and know where I stand instead of waiting around and nothing might happen. I want to keep dating, but only one guy at a time! Is there a good way to phrase it, bearing in mind that I was the one to send the last message saying "did you enjoy your night?"?
dramallama Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 No, don't. You asked him for the last one. You need to let him show his interest level, and if you're driving everything, you won't be able to tell. 2
ChatroomHero Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 You know why he is doing this, right? Because he knows it will drive you crazy and up your interest level in him. He is keeping the upper hand by keeping you guessing and posting here for advice and wondering if he is interested or not...but it's one of two things: 1. Low to no interest. 2. He is running a game. Either way, I would just back off and forget he exists. If he reaches out again and you feel like answering, go ahead. If he keeps slow playing it and not really responding, I'd tell him you are not a match and are moving on. If he is not interested, that will be that. If he really is interested and plying a game, I bet he'll suddenly get really good at texting and responding. 3
Saracena Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 1. Low to no interest. This. Sorry OP but this guy doesn't sound interested BUT he knows you are. If he were he'd have asked for your number/called to make another date.I'm not saying he didn't enjoy your company on the evening but beyond that I wouldn't expect anything much from this guy. I would cease all contact now. He knows how to contact you from now on. If you want to guage interest more accurately in future, give guys the opportunity to show theirs by letting them do the running! remember interested ones act interested! 1
Author lovesfool Posted November 30, 2019 Author Posted November 30, 2019 I hear you all, but I don't like playing games. Isn't the general rule to say what you're thinking and not keep things bottled up so you're not always second guessing what the other person is thinking? I do understand that he's not giving the vibe that he's interested from texting, but he definitely gave the vibe in person which is why I'm going against what I would normally do in this situation. A good friend of mine said her current boyfriend was terrible at messaging but was completely different in person. She got over the messaging issues and now they're in a strong long-term relationship. I tend to dismiss guys early in the dating period if they don't behave exact as the "rules" say, but was trying to change my ways! What is there to lose if I did ask him? He either says he's not interested, or he says he is, right?
smackie9 Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 Stop reaching out, he's not interested. I have said this many times on here....any guy that I have ever dated that was very interested in seeing me again usually asked me out again after the first date or the very next day. He's not responding because he doesn't want to, not because he's at a party, busy at work, at his momma's for dinner, etc. 2
Versacehottie Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 (edited) I hear you all, but I don't like playing games. Isn't the general rule to say what you're thinking and not keep things bottled up so you're not always second guessing what the other person is thinking? eh, i don't buy this excuse. Where is the fire? In other words, why do you "need to know" right away? You are putting him and any other guy on a timeline and a pushy timeframe that doesn't work for everyone. In addition, whatever your true feelings are the pushing for an answer under the guise of "you don't play games" conveys that you are a) desperate and b) pushing for a relationship c) chasing him/the guy. None of those are good things in the initial dating stages and if you are the girl IMO (as backward as that may be). So far, you have been chasing him. If you let him do the work or make the effort, he makes little to no effort. I think you should just respond positively if and when you hear from him if it suits you at that time. If he waits too long, then his loss. By the way, which falls under same category as "no game playing"; it's just a different technique and conveys a different message of who you are. Right now you are acting like someone who can't hold her horses. Idk, but guys tend to run from that. If he had fun with you and wants to pursue something even casual, you will hear from him--he definitely knows what to do--why would you fill in all the blanks for him? I think what happened with your friend is different and you are conveniently interpreting it that way to support your personal need to get an immediate answer of where you stand with him/what is the status of you two. IMO, it's a bit overbearing and too much. I think a good balance is like this: he does a little, you do a little, back and forth. Right now, the ball is in his court. BTW, even guys who are bad with texting, will send a sh*tty or blunt text to make sure you are still on the hook with them or to see if you want to go out or meet up. You are either on his mind or not, until you are again. You want to see what he will bring to your life, then let him make a decent amount of effort. Right now, he's showing you casual and that you will bear the burden of this and potentially get hurt or not view the relationship in the same terms as he does. There is value to letting a person come to you sometimes. Idk, if he's not sure, then why should you be. And it was one date. Good luck Edited November 30, 2019 by Versacehottie 3
stillafool Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 I think you have already pursued this guy enough. You were the first one to ask for a meet up, you've messaged him 3 times since then but no mention of him reaching out and messaging you first. No you need to sit back, continue dating other guys but this one doesn't really seem interested at all by his actions. 1
Ami1uwant Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Is you said he was out of your league...he probably viewed you the same way...if he can even remember after 7 drinks. To be fair to him...he may have bern embarrassed in this and drinking to much just like a woman pulling back from a relationship if she felt she was too easy and slept with the guy too soon. 4
winny Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 I think you have done enough for now. Keep dating other guys and see if he reaches out to you.
Author lovesfool Posted December 1, 2019 Author Posted December 1, 2019 Some good advice, thanks. I'll try to take it on board. So he finally messaged back, about 10 hours later with a very neutral response of "it was a great night, thanks". It's a very low effort response and it's very hard to keep trying to move the conversation along by always asking questions. I could reply, but I know I'll get a similar style response, maybe hours later again. At what point do I cut my losses? Do I just respond politely and not hold out any hope for a reply and keep dating other guys? Maybe not respond at all? I wish dating was more straight forward!
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 At what point do I cut my losses? Do I just respond politely and not hold out any hope for a reply and keep dating other guys? Maybe not respond at all? Right about now would be a good time. He isn't interested and there is nothing to reply to. Whether you reply politely or not at all isn't going to change the outcome on this one. It sucks when you realize the other person isn't feeling it, but part of dating is picking up on obvious social cues and bowing out gracefully when there's nothing to indicate mutual interest.
Author lovesfool Posted December 1, 2019 Author Posted December 1, 2019 Right about now would be a good time. He isn't interested and there is nothing to reply to. Whether you reply politely or not at all isn't going to change the outcome on this one. It sucks when you realize the other person isn't feeling it, but part of dating is picking up on obvious social cues and bowing out gracefully when there's nothing to indicate mutual interest. That's what I thought, but all the signs were pointing to him being very keen and interested (great conversation, staying longer than planned, leaning in to me for a kiss, giving me his number). Has me very confused and disheartened as I seem to struggle with dating and any time it seems to be going the right direction, it suddenly veers off! I think I'll just respond politely and assume this is a write off. Back to the drawing board... again.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 all the signs were pointing to him being very keen and interested (great conversation, staying longer than planned, leaning in to me for a kiss, giving me his number). During the date, yes, but his behaviour thereafter didn't line up as someone who was interested in meeting up again. I realize this is confusing but it's important to let someone show you they are consistently interested and unfortunately that's not what you're dealing with here. He had a good time but has not initiated of his own volition at this point. Sometimes we can enjoy someone's company without feeling much of a romantic spark, or perhaps his attention is currently distracted by someone else. Maybe the drinks made him merrier than usual but the vibes wore off after the alcohol did. It could be anything. It's hard not to take it personally, but it's also crucial to step back and observe what someone does when you're not in the driver's seat. You can respond politely if you wish, but yes, I would also assume this is a write-off and leave it at that. Keep in mind that many people still use Tinder as a hook-up app and you might not meet many serious-minded dating candidates there.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 if he can even remember after 7 drinks. Yep. Not sure why OP, you’d want a second date with a guy who acted like this on the first? Mr. Lucky
stillafool Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 To be fair Mr. Lucky, they both had quite a bit to drink.
spiritedaway2003 Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 "it was a great night, thanks". That was a low interest response - time to cut your losses. At this point, given that you had put in all the efforts, my personal take is not to respond anymore. If he's interested, he'll reach out. 2
smackie9 Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Some good advice, thanks. I'll try to take it on board. So he finally messaged back, about 10 hours later with a very neutral response of "it was a great night, thanks". It's a very low effort response and it's very hard to keep trying to move the conversation along by always asking questions. I could reply, but I know I'll get a similar style response, maybe hours later again. At what point do I cut my losses? Do I just respond politely and not hold out any hope for a reply and keep dating other guys? Maybe not respond at all? I wish dating was more straight forward! After that response I would cut my losses now. He never bothered to engage in conversation with you, and no he didn't ask you out again....he's not interested.
Author lovesfool Posted December 1, 2019 Author Posted December 1, 2019 Thanks everyone. I just gave a similar low-effort response and got no reply as expected! Yes it's clear that he's not interested, but it just really surprised me seeing how well the date went. And for the record, we had 5 drinks, not 7. We were in a pretty normal state of mind. Not sure where everyone was getting the 7 from!
ChatroomHero Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 Thanks everyone. I just gave a similar low-effort response and got no reply as expected! Yes it's clear that he's not interested, but it just really surprised me seeing how well the date went. And for the record, we had 5 drinks, not 7. We were in a pretty normal state of mind. Not sure where everyone was getting the 7 from! People make the mistake all the time that because someone is friendly, fun to hang out with, shows some interest, spends time with you...that it must mean they are interested. Could be, but someone with low interest would do all these things. Do you think if he was low interest, in person he would act like he didn't want to be there with you? Would he give you short uninspired responses and ignore you? Not in person. What you are doing in this situation seems like maybe out of desperation, frustration, whatever, you accepted the signs of interest and used those to automatically cancel out the other signs of low interest. It's like if every time you saw him, he punched you in the face and then kissed you on the cheek. You go around saying how sweet and amazing he is because he always kisses you on the cheek and he has to be a great guy to kiss you on the cheek, while others are saying, uh, you forgot he punched you in the face and your response is, "But he KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK!" The texting is the punch in the face and the in person is the kiss on the cheek. I think you are afraid based on your history that you won't find someone so you are trying to rationalize lowering your standards and accepting any sign of interest. If you chase low interest you'll always wonder why you keep failing at dating. People say, I know a guy that was a bad texter and he was really great...but being a bad texter AND bad communicator of his interest are 2 different things. You can be bad, forgetful and somewhat slow to respond, but the responses when you do respond will be inspired and communicate interest if you are actually interested: It is really easy to tell if someone is interested based on their texts: -If they don't answer fairly quickly after hours, low interest. Most people see texts all throughout the day. Even at work...In a Meeting, message you later!...very rarely would they not see or have time to respond to texts in a timely manner outside of a random busy day or two. -The chance that someone new doesn't respond to a text within a few hours and especially the same day, yet is interested is nill. Things happen but frankly, everyone goes to the bathroom a couple of times a day. Everyone has time unless they are in a coma to respond to a text at least the same day. I would say a valid excuse for slooowww texting would be very hard to find. When I am interested in someone, I am as busy as anyone you know, but I guarantee I will respond in a time that doesn't leave them twisting. People text at funeral homes, during meetings, when they are sitting in the car warming it up, when they get gas and get back in there car, etc. -Imagine a text conversation as you in a room with the person. You ask them, "What are you doing Friday?" and they look at you blankly without saying a word for 4 minutes and say nothing. After 4 minutes they say, "Man, work was rough today! How was your day?" and ignore your original question. That is pretty much what is happening.
unlisted Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 For future references, OP, I wouldn't dwell too much on how well a first date went if it doesn't match his actions later. Don't mean to sound harsh but sometimes when people meet up for a first date and know it isn't going to work out when they meet the person, the best thing they can do is enjoy their date but not call or ask for a second date. People do this to be polite and not walk out on their date so when you keep saying "but he really enjoyed himself on the first date but isn't calling back", I would take the first date with a grain of salt. Doesn't matter if he leaned in for a kiss or whatever, maybe it was the alcohol talking, but first dates are just to see if you want a second date.
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