Old Friendship

[Lizzy Bennet]

Hi one of my oldest friends is being very hot and cold with me. When I message her she sees the message but doesn't bother replying, and then when it suits her, maybe months later, she will start a new conversation asking how I am and what I am doing, ignoring the fact she hasn't replied or answered the last mail I sent. I feel the friendship is very one sided with me making the effort and always organising events and she just turns up, but other times when I have contacted her for a chat she doesn't answer her phone. She never texts to say sorry I missed your call or calls back, whereas if she calls me I make sure I make time to speak to her. I moved away a few years ago and several times she has promised to come and visit but when it comes to it there is always an excuse. I very occasionally post a few pictures on social media, mostly my own scenic photos but she never ever likes any photos. I find her behaviour strange because as soon as I try to end the friendship by not messaging or trying to be more distant she comes back being warm and friendly and tries to make arrangements for the next time I visit our village. Once I am back though and contact her, it is always me that has to pay to see her and she rarely makes any effort to think of something we can do in the day time, it is normally drinking. I am seeing a continual pattern in behaviour and I don't know if I am being manipulated. Every time I try to pull away I feel a sense of guilt and think about the old days and good times but unfortunately my life has changed so much I feel we don't have much in common anymore. The friendship also hurts me and sometimes I don't feel good after seeing her. Looking back I think she has always been selfish but I was too blind to see it. We mostly have to do what she wants when I see her and I find her inconsiderate. There has also been times when she flirted with someone I liked infront of me and didn't help to set me up with him when I told her I liked the guy. Perhaps moving elsewhere has woken me up. When we see each other she always says I am such a good friend but unfortunately she doesn't show the same loyalty or friendship to me. I sometimes look at other close friendships and feel sad. What should I do? Should I distance myself. Thanks.

Edited November 29, 2019 by Lizzy Bennet

[preraph]

Well, she doesn't sound like the best friend to have anyway. I suspect the same old ties are what keeps her from totally abandoning this relationship, though it would probably be more humane than letting you twist in the wind trying to keep communication with her. I believe I'd just stop doing that and LET her reach out. And when she does, I would answer soon and not play games with it. Reward only her GOOD behavior if she reaches out when you wait for her to do so.

[basil67]

I don't think she's manipulating you - I just think that she doesn't care as much as you do.

 

What do you mean when you write that you have to pay to see her?

[ajequals]

just Call her, see what's up

[preraph]

Don't pay next time either. Tell her, "Your turn. I paid the last two times."

[schlumpy]

I don't think she has changed at all. You have done all the changing and you now do not see her in the same light as before. I agree with you that moving away has changed your perspective as to what you want in a friend and what behaviors are acceptable.

 

If you don't want to ghost her then just write a message to her once a week. Fill it full of trivia and daily doings. Don't worry when she doesn't answer. Concentrate on making some new friends or deepening the relationships you have already.

[Lizzy Bennet]

Hi thanks everyone for your replies. Thanks Preraph for your good advice. Yes I think you are right that sometimes you have to set boundaries and reward people on good behaviour otherwise you get walked over. I think this could be a good general rule to life really, especially when you come across selfish or difficult people. I am going to try this more in the future. Basil67 yes I think you are perhaps right, sometimes it is easy to make someone out as the villan, but it is more likely that I care more than she does. Yes it is normally me travelling to her house and it takes time and costs money, it is not even the money, it is more the principle. She has never even seen my new home. Yes Schlumpy I think you are right. I have changed and just expect more for myself these days than before. Yes perhaps you are right perhaps I shouldn't take it so seriously, but focus on other friendships and just see her as someone who I can maybe see a few times a year for a catch up but not be too invested. Preraph thanks also for your advice about not playing games. You are right, if she bothers to reach out then I should reply, but perhaps come to terms with the fact that she will never be the kind of friend I need at this stage of my life, but also realise that there is no need to go to drastic lengths to cut her out either because generally we do get on. Thank you your replies. They have really helped me to think about my situation more clearly, as it has been playing on my mind for a year or so. All the best.x

Edited November 30, 2019 by Lizzy Bennet

[preraph]

It is a shame she's not been to your house. Maybe you should go over there and pick her up and bring her to your house and just tell her, I want you to see my house. Is she possibly the type of person who doesn't want to sit around a house but instead wants to be out and about? I had a friend like that. She always wanted to meet me somewhere, so afraid she'd have to sit down instead of being out where other people were.

 

Anyway, I hope you see some improvement. Good luck.

[Lizzy Bennet]

Hi, yes perhaps I need to be more insistant and make a weekend of it. I will get in touch over Christmas and see how things go from there. Thank you for taking the time to reply. ?

[stillafool]

I doubt being insistent is going to work. You can ask her to come over but not insist or you will push her further away. I really don't see the point of trying to maintain a friendship with someone who is clear they aren't going to put in the effort to remain good friends. I would just let her go and socialize more with new friends in my life. Plus you seem to still be upset about her hitting on the guy you liked. She never really seemed like that great of a friend to you in the first place.

[Ellener]

You mention drinking, I have a friend who is at pains to disguise a serious drink problem, also a work colleague. Seems to make people act a bit hot/cold/cloud all other interests, also they forget what they said/did. 

[The Outlaw]

Cut her loose. She sounds like someone I knew half my life that wasn't any different from her. But if she isn't making the conscious effort to be a friend in return, she isn't worth it and never really ever was. She's only 'friends' with you when it benefits her. 

[HappiDays]

From your post it sounds like you moved some distance away. If that's the case maybe she backed up a little after you moved knowing things would be different going forward. I think she gets in touch occasionally because of the friendship you shared, probably when a good memory comes to mind.

 

When one friend moves it changes the dynamics of a friendship in most cases, especially if some distance is involved. I think it's possible that this is what has happened. Continue to keep in touch with your friend when it feels like the thing you want to do and hold on to the good memories the two off you share.

[JoeyArnold]

14 hours ago, HappiDays said:

When one friend moves it changes the dynamics of a friendship in most cases

 

Exactly, this kind of thing happens all of the time. People are not always trying to change dynamics within their relationships, friendships, etc. However, it still happens. It can be subliminal. It can be subconscious, psychologically. Yes, try to keep in contact with people. That is valuable.

[Watercolors]

One-sided friendships never change. You recognized this right away about the dynamics between you and your friend, yet you tried to change her. We can't change anyone. She won't change. Even if you ask her to. Once you realize a social connection you have with another person is one-sided (meaning: you put in more effort than the other person): leave. I've been in plenty of one-sided friendships with women, hoping they'd change and respect my feelings more, contribute more to the friendship but they never did. Why? Because my friendship was not a priority in their life. Your friendship is and has never been a priority to this woman. She just doesn't care enough to invest fully into a two-sided friendship with you and she never will. Walk away once and for all from this one-sided friendship. It's unhealthy for you to hang on to her, because all she's done is hurt your feelings. 

[Watercolors]

On 12/17/2019 at 4:32 PM, JoeyArnold said:

 

Exactly, this kind of thing happens all of the time. People are not always trying to change dynamics within their relationships, friendships, etc. However, it still happens. It can be subliminal. It can be subconscious, psychologically. Yes, try to keep in contact with people. That is valuable.

 

Moving away from a friendship always changes that friendship. When I was 10 years old, my family moved to another state. The three best friends I'd grown up with wrote me letters and sent me birthday and Christmas cards for a few years and even called me. By the time I entered high school, the communication with them stopped completely and we never kept in touch after that. Because my parents were great friends with one of my best friends, we were invited to her wedding. I went, excited to see her but she had completely 100% changed. We had diverged as far as our mutual interests growing up, and had no interest reconnecting after her wedding although we tried. It happens. People change.