My heart hurts

[brownygoldy]

I've been resisting posting on here because I've been scared to sit down and try to put down what's happened into words.

 

I feel like I'm unable to dull the sharp pain I feel in my heart and so I'll give it a go, because any guidance would be valuable.

 

The most perfect, the strongest and the most "meant to be" relationship that I have ever experienced, ended for no apparent reason.

 

We met on a dating app in September, I'd been unwell for a few years and this year I started taking drastic measures to recover my health, and they worked. I started feeling more upbeat, energetic, happier and like myself. I wanted to settle myself back into full-time work and be fully-fledged independent prior to starting a relationship and so I wasn't paying much notice to the dating app.

 

This match however caught my eye with his message and also with his name - he shares the same surname as me. We are both British Indians and this surname is very uncommon. This excited me, because a month prior to meeting him, whilst working on my personal goals, I'd written a list of what I want in my future partner, and one point was that I want somebody with the same heritage as mine. And so I felt like the universe, after all my hardships over the past few years, was finally working in my favour and things were falling into place very smoothly.

 

From the first moment we spoke, we never stopped. We absolutely hit it off and got on flawlessly. He took me to dinner a week later and our first meeting was just as special as both anticipated. He wanted to book a holiday with me for my birthday in January there and then, I didn't allow him to as I wanted to move cautiously, but our connection just seemed perfect and fated.

Our dates included dinners, football matches, spiritual talks, boxing together, and movies and pizza in bed. It was a really, really great time and and for the first time ever, I referred to somebody as my "future husband" in my head.

 

He felt like my brother, best friend and partner in one, and I say this because I just felt so content around him. Contentment with passion and excitement. What more can one ask for?

 

Our relationship was adult, the healthiest I've ever been in. I've learnt a lot from past mistakes and relationships and honed my communication skills and so strong foundations were being built, with us treating each other with respect and allowing something special to blossom.

 

He told me he loved me after a few dates, told his parents about me (not commonly done in our culture unless seriously heading towards marriage), discussed marriage and kids with me, asked me to move in with him, invited me to a night out with his cousins (which I never went to as we had ended by then).

I on the other hand, although committed to our growth and very excited about our future, was reluctant to dive so quickly in. My view was that we have our whole lives ahead of us to do these things together, so let's enjoy the little things for now. I was also focussed on settling myself back into work and gaining my own independence alongside this relationship. For me, this would allow any relationship in my life to remain healthy too, as I would have my own life alongside it. As a result, I made it clear that although I was committed to us, I wasn't ready to be officially together just yet. He seemed to accept this, but eventually started saying that he saw me as "hot and cold".

 

We ended up dating for only 6 weeks in the end, and he suddenly went from telling me he loves me and asking me to move in with him the last time I saw him, to a week later going incredibly cold and distant, it was like speaking to a different person, he said that he got caught up in things and doesn't have the time for this in his life, that I'm 10/10 amazing, but he could not continue. It moved fast and it was only 6 weeks so it seems like a simple one to get over, but it's not; it just felt right, like I had met the one, and the sentence "when you know you know" finally made sense to me.

 

I respected his decision, it's been a month and we haven't spoken since the breakup, but I am STRUGGLING.

 

I feel lost, hurt, like I lost my soulmate, I miss him, I am questioning my own judgement as it was so strong and confident with regards to him, my own instinct as it did NOT predict such a sudden and drastic ending, and I cannot see myself with anybody else, I don't want to be with anybody else.

 

I have felt depressed, and unwell again since our ending, I'm struggling to even get out of bed, I am obsessing over my phone to see if he has contacted me. All unhealthy behaviours I know, but finding it very hard to do otherwise.

 

With past breakups, I've always been able to think of reasons to move on and see why they weren't right for me and I've taken my time to heal. Here, I cannot fault him or us, I'm finding it incredibly hard to let go, and I am thinking of finding a rebound relationship to dim the pain.

 

There are other elements of our short relationship that may well be relevant and I will discuss as appropriate, but the above is the gist of what happened.

Edited November 29, 2019 by brownygoldy

[stillafool]

6 weeks is way to early to think about moving in together. This guy was love bombing you and if he were really as in love as he said he would have been glad to take it slow just to be with you. If he were your soulmate he would still be there but he isn't. What you are feeling (sickness) is normal after a break up but you would heal and be okay.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This must be especially painful right before the holidays . I'm sorry .

[mark clemson]

It's odd how sometimes the "best" relationships are also the ones that don't stand the test of time. In this case not even a full two months.

 

Assuming there is no reconciliation, suggest you try to see this for what it is - a flash in the pan (in the context of your life). If/when you move on, there's a great chance you will find someone at least as good or better. If you haven't been with a partner in a long time, the R may seem better than "normal" due to NRE/hormones, etc which you aren't used to.

 

It sounds like you're depressed (not wanting to get out of bed), so you may wish to get some IC for that.

 

Sounds like you liked him enough that you might consider pursuing reconciliation. You could try it - the likelihood is he will not agree. But you would know you at least tried and he at least considered. And there is always the off chance it works.

 

Assuming no reconciliation, suggest you resist the temptation to compare guys to him. All people are unique individuals.

[OpenBook]

From the first moment we spoke, we never stopped. We absolutely hit it off and got on flawlessly. He took me to dinner a week later and our first meeting was just as special as both anticipated. He wanted to book a holiday with me for my birthday in January there and then, I didn't allow him to as I wanted to move cautiously, but our connection just seemed perfect and fated.

 

There's your first clue on the love-bombing. He had JUST MET you and he's trying to book a holiday with you?? There is nothing wrong with your instincts. You were absolutely right to put the brakes on then.

 

No matter how magical falling in love seems (and in long-lasting relationships, for that matter), the other person is having a different experience of it than you are. That is simply because the other person is a completely separate being from you, with a separate history, chemical makeup, beliefs, etc. No matter how strong the urge is to COMBINE and MERGE with each other, this separation will always be there. No matter who you end up with.

 

Just keep moving. This WILL pass, and you will be able to leave it by the wayside. Don't give up your dreams of finding a great partner for YOU. Just let this one particular fish go. He wasn't the right guy. I have no doubt that he tapped into your desires and presented himself to you to match those desires. But it was an illusion. I don't know what his problem is, but he definitely has a big one! He walked away from YOU! Boneheaded move. Who needs it.

[preraph]

Way too soon to be meeting family if it's a big thing and planning vacations. He was getting ahead of himself, and I don't know why. Always realize that you can't have really known him well in that length of time. Anyone can fake anything for six weeks. You would have wanted to wait at least a year to move in together or you might have found he has a dark side. You just don't know. For all you know, he could have been trying to get in a position to take financial advantage of you. Honestly, that and sex are the main reasons a man tries to move things too fast.

 

So you may never know what wasn't right about him, but something wasn't right!

[brownygoldy]

If he were your soulmate he would still be there but he isn't.

 

True words, if he was my soulmate he'd still be here but he isn't, I'll try and bear that in mind. When ending it, he said who knows what the future holds for us, and in the week leading up to the ending when things were rocky, he said he can't think of me building anything with anyone else and that he's not too worried as he sees us coming back together at a better time. I think he saw it as him being too busy, and me needing to settle myself, and we'd come back together when the timing's right, whereas my view was that the timing can always be right if the person is right, I wasn't looking for a relationship of convenience. I think his words have been giving me false hope of reconciliation at some point down the line and trapping me almost. I want to set myself free from the trap!

[brownygoldy]

This must be especially painful right before the holidays . I'm sorry .

 

Thanks for the love!

[brownygoldy]

It's odd how sometimes the "best" relationships are also the ones that don't stand the test of time. In this case not even a full two months.

 

Assuming there is no reconciliation, suggest you try to see this for what it is - a flash in the pan (in the context of your life). If/when you move on, there's a great chance you will find someone at least as good or better. If you haven't been with a partner in a long time, the R may seem better than "normal" due to NRE/hormones, etc which you aren't used to.

 

It sounds like you're depressed (not wanting to get out of bed), so you may wish to get some IC for that.

 

Sounds like you liked him enough that you might consider pursuing reconciliation. You could try it - the likelihood is he will not agree. But you would know you at least tried and he at least considered. And there is always the off chance it works.

 

Assuming no reconciliation, suggest you resist the temptation to compare guys to him. All people are unique individuals.

 

It is odd isn't it.

 

Talking it through has already made me feel a little lighter, thank you, although I can see myself sinking back into my bed and sleep and clinging to my phone once again.

 

I am in counselling, and I did take SAMe, a supplement for mood but it started to make me feel numb so I stopped. I didn't take any medication through a dreadful illness or previous breakups but this 6 week encounter really broke me!

 

With regards to reconciliation, so, when he first ended things, he said he didn't know what he wanted, and that culminated in an ending. I had an interview the day after so didn't allow myself to get too drawn into the discussion and accepted it for what it was. I didn't attend the interview in the end as the reality sunk in on the day and I slipped into a looming, lost place. I had also had a major argument with my parents on the day of the breakup and they've been a major trigger of stress which I believe is the primary cause of my illness, which I have been feeling unwell with since these 2 incidents. Prior to these incidents I was feeling very well, energetic and enthused. Very strange and I feel like it's very difficult to break the cycle.

 

To come back to the point, a week after the initial ending, I reached out for answers as I was feeling baffled as to why it ended when I could see no real problem. He was incredibly cold and distant, saying that although he missed me he'd drawn a line under things and was moving forwards with his work and health goals. We had a back and forth conversation over email and wished each other the best and left it there, have not communicated since. He then blocked me and proceeded to unblock me 2 weeks later. I won't be seeking reconciliation as I feel like I received my answer when I reached out, my heart cannot bear more of his coldness, and also I am not in the best or healthiest place to work on reconnecting with him. As mentioned I have been feeling unwell so firstly feel like I should work on myself, and secondly feel almost embarrassed that he wouldn't want me anyway, as me now, is very different to the me when we were dating. He loved my energy and aura (in his words) and at the moment my energy is low.

[brownygoldy]

There's your first clue on the love-bombing. He had JUST MET you and he's trying to book a holiday with you?? There is nothing wrong with your instincts. You were absolutely right to put the brakes on then.

 

No matter how magical falling in love seems (and in long-lasting relationships, for that matter), the other person is having a different experience of it than you are. That is simply because the other person is a completely separate being from you, with a separate history, chemical makeup, beliefs, etc. No matter how strong the urge is to COMBINE and MERGE with each other, this separation will always be there. No matter who you end up with.

 

Just keep moving. This WILL pass, and you will be able to leave it by the wayside. Don't give up your dreams of finding a great partner for YOU. Just let this one particular fish go. He wasn't the right guy. I have no doubt that he tapped into your desires and presented himself to you to match those desires. But it was an illusion. I don't know what his problem is, but he definitely has a big one! He walked away from YOU! Boneheaded move. Who needs it.

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

Love-bombing is interesting. I think he maybe liked the idea of this amazing fantasy with me, but as time went on maybe he wasn't able to match up to the reality of a partnership, where the other person isn't a perfect fairytale character, but a human being with their own life story and own makeup and in his words, he couldn't be there for that. I wasn't even asking him for anything or to be there for anything.

 

It's sad really, as he seemed deadly serious and committed and yes your point is very valid because I silently thought that his commitment was coming from the same place as mine, whereas as you said, 2 people are eternally distinct, so their experience may not necessarily match yours.

 

One of the things I'm finding hard to let go of is the fact that he has the same surname as me. This felt like a fated relationship. Ancestors and family are hugely important to both of us and we both said that it felt fated. He also used to say that we're "cut from the same cloth". Our families would have intertwined perfectly, my parents were so excited for me, he'd say that he couldn't wait for me to meet his family and they'd love me more than they love him

He sent my Dad a bottle of wine in the post and they were looking forward to drinking it together.

 

So I am finding it very difficult to let go of what seemed like an ideal scenario

[brownygoldy]

Way too soon to be meeting family if it's a big thing and planning vacations. He was getting ahead of himself, and I don't know why. Always realize that you can't have really known him well in that length of time. Anyone can fake anything for six weeks. You would have wanted to wait at least a year to move in together or you might have found he has a dark side. You just don't know. For all you know, he could have been trying to get in a position to take financial advantage of you. Honestly, that and sex are the main reasons a man tries to move things too fast.

 

So you may never know what wasn't right about him, but something wasn't right!

 

He did love the sex I know, but had dated many women, so didn't think that was his main motivation.

 

In our culture (Indian), at our ages (I'm 29, he's 30), with our circumstances (both have younger married siblings which is almost taboo as eldest should traditionally be married first), meeting families early on when sure about a relationship isn't so strange.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with - I may never know what wasn't right about him, but something wasn't right.

 

My curious and analytical mind won't accept that so easily though, and it's why I'm still stuck a month after a 6 week relationship.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

One of the things I'm finding hard to let go of is the fact that he has the same surname as me.

 

He didn't find out you're related, did he?? (I'm only 99.9% kidding )

[ExpatInItaly]

I've said it many times before but it certainly is worth repeating here:

 

It is nearly always a red flag when someone tries to fast-forward a relationship the way he did.

 

It is often done as an attempt to control the other person early on, to fill some void in their lives, or just for thrills before they go chasing the next shiny object that rolls into view.

 

You feel you lost your soulmate, but if you zoom out, you barely know the guy. What you saw during the lusty and thrilling honeymoon looked good, but your true knowledge of him and his character is still very limited. This is what you learning about him now: he is evidently quite impulsive and emotionally demanding; he doesn't take his time making big decisions and doesn't bother to check the foundations of the glass castle he's attempting to build in the sky.

 

That does not bode well for long-term, healthy and stable relationship. You didn't lose much here, OP. I know it hurts to feel rejected but I have the strong sense that you've actually just dodged a lot more confusion and heartache that a relationship with someone like him would almost inevitably bring to you.

[brownygoldy]

He didn't find out you're related, did he?? (I'm only 99.9% kidding )

 

Haha, we checked this right away before even meeting.

 

We checked our ancestors of up to 6-7 generations and they were independent of each other. We most likely are related going way back, but not closely enough that it would have caused any genetic problems.

 

We were planning on getting a DNA test over Christmas though to double-check everything.

 

Every Hindu family has a personal Goddess and our families share the same Goddess which I personally found so alluring, I have been to this Goddess' temple in India and built up this image of going with him and connecting to history and ancestors which predate us.

 

It's letting go of this idealistic reality that I'm finding difficult.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Every Hindu family has a personal Goddess and our families share the same Goddess which I personally found so alluring, I have been to this Goddess' temple in India and built up this image of going with him and connecting to history and ancestors which predate us.

 

It's letting go of this idealistic reality that I'm finding difficult.

 

I apologize that I know nothing of your religion, but I can understand how this would feel fated and would be hard to let go of. It has a fairytale type of quality to it. I am sorry for your pain .

[brownygoldy]

 

but if you zoom out, you barely know the guy. What you saw during the lusty and thrilling honeymoon looked good, but your true knowledge of him and his character is still very limited. This is what you learning about him now: he is evidently quite impulsive and emotionally demanding; he doesn't take his time making big decisions and doesn't bother to check the foundations of the glass castle he's attempting to build in the sky.

 

That does not bode well for long-term, healthy and stable relationship. You didn't lose much here, OP. I know it hurts to feel rejected but I have the strong sense that you've actually just dodged a lot more confusion and heartache that a relationship with someone like him would almost inevitably bring to you.

 

Very powerful, will try to remind myself of these points.

 

You're right, my true knowledge of him was still developing and then these key traits were shown.

 

I think it's letting go of the ideal fantasy and also of the memories that keep popping up that I associate with key moments where we bonded and when things seemed oh so promising...

[brownygoldy]

I apologize that I know nothing of your religion, but I can understand how this would feel fated and would be hard to let go of. It has a fairytale type of quality to it. I am sorry for your pain .

 

Thank you and it's exactly this fairytale that I'm finding hard to accept is over. I keep hoping it's not but don't want to get stuck in the delusion.

 

Anyone of the belief that things happen for a reason and each experience has its own lesson or period of growth to take away from it?

 

I am but finding it very difficult to figure out what my lesson here is!!

 

As mentioned previously in the thread, have had a pretty weathered life with many positive experiences as well as many, many negative experiences and subsequent learning lessons and so I finally felt like it was time to use those lessons positively, relax a little and enjoy. But have instead been thrown with apparently another lesson I needed to learn but not quite sure what to take from it. Don't fall for people's words and love-bombing? But when the person seems so authentic, all the boxes are ticked, it feels content, why would you stop yourself from getting involved?

[Soak]

And so I felt like the universe, after all my hardships over the past few years, was finally working in my favour

 

This kind of thinking is dangerous. There is no such thing as the Universe looking after us. We need to look after ourselves.

 

I'm sorry this has happened. I think a lot of us have been there.

 

The good news is you'll be more careful next time and will eventually meet a man that is respectful and a stayer.

 

In the meantime, follow the process of grief and do not feel bad about feeling this way after a short amount of time - your feelings are valid and they will, in time, become indifferent. Believe me!

[d0nnivain]

You got caught up in what you thought was the serendipity of it all. In reality it was a brief fling that didn't work. Stop romanticizing it & making it into some perfect.

[preraph]

Thanks for your advice.

 

Love-bombing is interesting. I think he maybe liked the idea of this amazing fantasy with me, but as time went on maybe he wasn't able to match up to the reality of a partnership, where the other person isn't a perfect fairytale character, but a human being with their own life story and own makeup and in his words, he couldn't be there for that.

 

I think you may have hit on something there. I mean, that's why things that start out fast also usually die fast. You're both running on assumptions and giving the other the benefit of the doubt that they are that ideal person you've always hoped for that lives only in your heads. Then as time goes by, the veil comes off and you start seeing the actual person and it can be a disappointment on either side and it can be confusing if one is still looking through love blinders and doesn't know what's happening. When things heat up that fast, you are nearly always falling in love with who you hope they'll be, not who they actually are.

 

If you actually knew who he really is, you probably wouldn't be nearly as heartbroken as you are losing the version of him you idealized and hoped he was.

 

Doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

Edited November 29, 2019 by preraph

[mark clemson]

This kind of thinking is dangerous. There is no such thing as the Universe looking after us. We need to look after ourselves.

 

 

Oh, I don't know. Just because we need to look after ourselves doesn't mean the Universe isn't also looking out for us in it's own way. But I suppose that's something we all need to decide for ourselves. At any rate, I agree it's certainly dangerous to simply expect the Universe to take care of you with no effort and intelligence on your own part, as that can indeed result in a dramatic lowering of "quality of life".

 

OP, perhaps learn what you can/should from this and use it as a catalyst for personal growth/individuation.

 

That way you DO get something from it beyond a "fling".

[Piddy]

Here's my take. Sounds like it was love at first sight for both of you. He was willing to go with that feeling and move quickly with the relationship, whereas you wanted to slow it down a bit.

 

However, if it was really love at first sight for him, he would've acquiesced to you not wanting to move so fast. He would've done that in order to not risk losing you.

 

When you fall in love there's something known as the velcro stage. It's when the dopamine levels in your brain rise and give you that cloud nine feeling. You want to be with each other and think of each other all the time.

 

This usually lasts about 3 months and then the dopamine levels go back to normal. My guess is he really was never in love with you because he backed off at the 6 weeks time frame when the dopamine levels should've been still elevated with him.

 

I think you dodged a bullet. Your love for him was real, whereas his love for you appears to not have been the same.

 

Of course we're all going on the limited info you provided. Also, I like the idea of finding someone else as you said you might entertain. IMO that's the fastest way to get out of your funk over this guy.

 

And there's always a chance he'll realize he blew it and reach back out to you. That's why you I'd not contact him regardless how you feel. If he really loved you he will go thru a grieving process himself and eventually become curious and may reach out to you.

 

Good luck and don't feel alone. Many of us have been down a similar road and came out the other side fine. So will you...........

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry at the hurt you are feeling.

 

Your soulmate would still be with you; he wouldn't have given you up for the world. This guy was lovebombing, as others have said, and he said later he didn't know what he wanted.

 

It is telling that he went cold. This is a warning of the kind of character he could have become had you got as far as marrying. He sounds unpredictable.

 

No, there is definitely something odd about someone who flings themselves into a relationship so intensely and then suddenly switches.

 

You are right to be wary of rushing; neither of you had had chance to really get to know each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

Anyone of the belief that things happen for a reason and each experience has its own lesson or period of growth to take away from it?

 

I am but finding it very difficult to figure out what my lesson here is!!

 

To slow way down, and understand that fairytales are fiction. You romanticized it too much, which happens when we're excited, but this talk of fate and soulmates blinded you to the facts and red flags rippling in the wind.

 

The other lesson is that you need to identify in yourself what led you to dive in with a guy who's largely a stranger - are you lonely? Bored? Feeling pressured to find a mate?

[Soak]

Then as time goes by, the veil comes off and you start seeing the actual person and it can be a disappointment on either side and it can be confusing if one is still looking through love blinders and doesn't know what's happening. When things heat up that fast, you are nearly always falling in love with who you hope they'll be, not who they actually are.

 

This is interesting actually and brings me to the stories of people who first 'hate' each other or clash, and then fall in love or create a relationship.

 

So, until you've seen that side of a person, how can you actually say you 'love' them?

 

I'd say, based on this, I'd say a large proportion of 'romantic' relationships are actually built on deception.