Texting certain things

[mortensorchid]

My new guy and I communicate primarily through text messages. It's been about 2 months since we've been together. I am ... Not sure about certain things and could use some constructive advice on things.

 

1) Communicating - Although both he and I are from the time before texting, I am okay with texting one another. It's convenient and whatever else. However ... There are times when I feel like I am the one kind of starting it up. There are some times in the past if one party never texts the other or only does when the other party does, you know that person is not interested in you. I'd say about 75% of the time I am the one texting. We don't text everyday by any means - he's busy with his job and has his time with his 3 kids which overflows after the day's work is done. And I am working as well several jobs which I squeeze into full workdays. I don't want to be clingy or act like a typical woman in this situation but it's tempting to be insecure and let it be this way at times.

 

2) Rebound? - I am also somewhat insecure about being the rebound for him. He and his now ex wife were together for almost 20 years. During the last 2 or 3 years she started hitting the bottle and cheating on him. They've been divorced now for about a year. He mentioned to me that he's quite bitter about things, understandable of course. She cheated many times and he was kind of the lap dog. I believe him, I don't know why he (or someone else in said position) would lie about this to me.

 

3) 2 months in no sex - This may sound strange and rather jaded based on past experiences, but we've been seeing each other for about 2 months and we haven't had sex. I've posted on these things past of course, others chimed in and said he sounds like a keeper. And I agree, he is a keeper because he's a good guy at last. We've kissed, and there was some touching but nothing beyond that. I keep thinking "this could be the weekend" but it doesn't happen. One Saturday he was at my place and I said he could sleep over if he liked but he declined saying he had to get his kids in the morning. Excuse? Maybe. But why would he be putting it off for so long? I decided I will not push for it. This is, after all, a relationship not a series of stupid OLDs where the guy never even bothers to tell me his name, or some hookup or whatever else.

 

Am I wrong to think this or have these insecurities? Am I just being paranoid? Well, I have had a bad history in this department and it's burned me badly.

[ajequals]

one thing I hate about texting, maybe you have seen it is you can't tell what the other person means as you can speaking to them in person I just dealt with what I thought was a fight but it was just miscommunication due to texting

 

..As A man I don't understand the lack of intimacy. I have in the past held off as requested.I also these days want her to want me ,I would rather have the lady make the first move. I wonder if that is what he is doing? being a gentleman.... Have you made any moves on him?

[mortensorchid]

I admit, I have not because of certain things from my past. Not related to him specifically but what has happened to me is the following:

 

1) Being too open - I have had people take things and use them against me. Even trivial things like saying my favorite color is blue or something. So I have become somewhat cold and standoffish with others. Someone said that I am a blank slate with others, never share much about myself but encourage others to talk about themselves to make others feel happy / comfortable.

 

2) Signals - A friend of mine said to me that I send signals to men around me a long time ago. Ever since then I made sure to shut that down as well, the introversion. I figure now if the man is interested enough he can make the first move. Am I wrong to do so? Up for debate I suppose.

 

Suggestions?

[Gaeta]

You sent him a big enough signal when you invited him to stay over. You don't need to do anything else, he knows you want intimacy. The ball is in his court, do NOT send anymore signals or offers.

 

 

Because of his long term marriage and the circumstances his marriage ended, also considering he didn't have sex with anyone else since his divorce, I think he fears performance problems. How old is he? is he in shape? He could suffer from ED.

[Happy Lemming]

As far as communication, I initiate the correspondence with my (long term) girlfriend about 95% of the time. She replies quickly, but I'm the one who starts our daily e-mail. This doesn't bother me. Its just who she is and I accept that.

 

As far as sex, I am a little worried about this... I do have two questions, though:

 

(1) Have you sat down and discussed "birth control" with him??

 

(2) Also (and I hate to bring this up) but you stated his wife cheated on him several times before the divorce, could he have picked up a venereal disease (like herpes) from her?? (and is worried about passing it on to you)??

[d0nnivain]

At 2 months in I'd be concerned about the lack of sex too. You invited him to stay over so he knows what you expect.

 

He may not be ready. For all you know his EX-W is the only woman he was ever with & he may have some performance anxiety. Talking about it will make it worse.

 

Needing to get the kids is an excuse. My husband had an adult paper route to make ends meet when we 1st met. He was up & out at 5 a.m. every morning to deliver the papers. He still stayed over & left at 4:30. It was farther from my house to the depot but for sex, people make "sacrifices". I'm sure this guy didn't have to be wherever to deal with the kids until 8 or 9 so he could have stayed.

 

I am more bold & direct then most but in your shoes, next time you are alone, I'd just escalate. Touch him. Unzip his pants. Put his hands on you where you want them. Start taking off your clothes. Not to put to blunt of a point on it, but go down on him. There are very few men who will refuse a woman more if she's doing that to him. If he balks, then you can try talking but actions speak louder then words.

[Gaeta]

Concerning communication, if you don't initiate texting how long will he let go by before contacting you?

 

I have a feeling all this is linked. He's not ready for sex or cannot have sex therefore he's keeping a bit of a distance by not communicating too often.

 

I really want you to meet that special someone and don't want you to waste your time on a man with some type of hung ups. At 3 month mark I think it will be time to move to something else.

 

 

.

[nospam99]

(2) Also (and I hate to bring this up) but you stated his wife cheated on him several times before the divorce, could he have picked up a venereal disease (like herpes) from her?? (and is worried about passing it on to you)??

 

I quoted HL's bit about STD's because it could be 'important' and I have to admit that I didn't think of it until he mentioned it.

 

Backstory: MO, I've noticed your posts for months. What I 'saw' was a woman with apparently a desire to give and receive love but a VERY negative attitude coming across on LS. Whether that negative attitude might have been shooting you in the foot in your prior romances, you'd know best. But I also recall that you posted about a series of bust out disappointing male contacts. I was (and am) very happy for you when you renewed your acquaintance with this keeper of an old friend.

 

You, him, and sex. First, the 'excuse' about kids in the morning may have been legit. He's not me. If it was me, I'd have wanted to make love, perhaps late into the night, sleep over, and HAVE THE LEISURE IN THE MORNING to cuddle, talk, and maybe (PROBABLY) go at 'it' again. Knowing I'd have to pick up kids would have shut those plans down --- and been disappointing. But if I was comfortable with how the relationship was developing, I would also be comfortable with yet another delay - and want to plan for a day without a morning after commitment.

 

That's me projecting. If I may make a suggestion, you and this guy need to have a talk about where you each see the relationship at the moment and where you want it to go. The idea of that talk may very well be scary to both of you. But it also may help determine if and whether your current relationship is ready to 'evolve' to include sex. Every person is different. Again, if it was me, I'd be WAY ready to initiate that talk (and a 'romantic' sleepover). He's not me. It may be 'on you' to initiate the talk. As I said above, I really hope the whole relationship works out for you and him, too. You just may have to push for open discussion.

 

As I was writing this, d0nni posted. Dayum but her 'bold and direct' suggestion sounds like a 'plan' .... or at least a scenario in a 'bodice ripper' with a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the cover .

[alphamale]

maybe he's got Erectile Dysfunction?

[smackie9]

He's been through a lot, and it's going to take a ton of patience for him to get involved on that level of trust. Your gut is right, he's not ready, and may not be for some time. He might be a great guy, he's not fulfilling your expectations.

 

If it were me I would be very frank with him, and tell him it looks like you two are too far apart on what you are expecting from this. You obviously want a man to be in your bed and have some kind of commitment. He's not fulfilling that. Sitting around and waiting for him to come around is a waste of your time. IMO you need to have that conversation with him.

[mortensorchid]

ED? I have no idea at this point. He's 53. I know that some guys have certain troubles when they reach a certain age, but I have also met guys who are just as old (if not older) and have none. Everybody's different in that arena.

 

Quite honestly, I am afraid of asking because I will come off as a clingy female and wanting more. And I am happy with him.

[K.K.]

Wait a minute though.. you said you’ve been “seeing him” for 2 months but you haven’t seen him for 2 months. What’s there to be happy with as you said you were.

 

I’m not trying to be rude with that question. I just wonder what kind of relationship is this- same as you’re wondering I guess.

 

You remind me of me in some ways. You fall in love or like or whatever with the idea of maybe this is the one. Then you get happy for a bit thinking of all the possibilities ... that never come.

 

Because as I remember, any real relationship that I did actually have, we were all over each other at the 2 month mark.

[Ellener]

I don't think two months is that long to wait before sex, and definitely not long to decide upon long term commitment, especially after recent traumatic divorce.

 

If you're both enjoying things just enjoy them.

[K.K.]

No, definitely not too long to wait for sex. I meant more like if you’re “seeing” someone for 2 months but you haven’t even seen them in two months even though you’ve been invited to and your relationship consists of texting here and there every few days, sounds like more of a pen pal kind of thing.

 

But what do I know. No expert here that’s for sure.

 

Do what makes you happy, mortensorchid.

[preraph]

Mortens, did you mean you'd been dating for 2 months or you hadn't seen him for two months?

 

If you haven't seen him for two months, this isn't a boyfriend. It's not happening. But I thought you meant you've dated for two months and see each other but just don't have sex.

 

It's rare for a man to even pursue a relationship with a woman if they don't want to have sex, so something is wrong here. Whether it's still him hoping for his wife to get straight or whatever, no way of me knowing.

 

Does he drink or do substances? Too much of anything can give you ED, plus his age.

[smackie9]

You are not "happy" if you were you wouldn't be paranoid, worried, insecure, confused, and here posting this stuff.

I'm not trying to put you down, I'm just seeing that you don't know your self worth. Too afraid to ask? Walking on eggshells? Don't want to come off as clingy? You initiate most of the communication? none of this is to be happy about, it's horrible. I know you deserve better than this, don't you think? The way this guy is, it's making you feel rejected, not worthy.

[mortensorchid]

Mortens, did you mean you'd been dating for 2 months or you hadn't seen him for two months?

 

If you haven't seen him for two months, this isn't a boyfriend. It's not happening. But I thought you meant you've dated for two months and see each other but just don't have sex.

 

It's rare for a man to even pursue a relationship with a woman if they don't want to have sex, so something is wrong here. Whether it's still him hoping for his wife to get straight or whatever, no way of me knowing.

 

Does he drink or do substances? Too much of anything can give you ED, plus his age.

 

No no, we've been together for about 2 months. I have physically seen and been with him for 2 months. This isn't a ghosting. Sorry if I mislead a few.

 

Here is a conversation we had today:

 

Me: Good morning

Him : Hi there

M: How'd it go yesterday? (Yesterday was Thanksgiving and he said he was hosting at his house for 8 people including him. For me it was just me, Mom and Dad).

H: More than I bargained for, it was rough. Any plans for this evening?

M: I figured it would be if you were hosting 7 or 8 people. I plan to go to the most happening club in town (name of a local grocery store to go grocery shopping)

H: Very exciting

M: You?

H: I'm in the middle of a shopping spree

M: Oh s*** are you in the middle of a Black Friday fight?

H: No, buying stuff for the house (as in furniture)

M: Oh not as dramatic.

 

Then ... Nothing since. How do others see this?

[preraph]

Thanks for clarifying.

 

I think since you do kiss and stuff, you need to ask him at some point, without making it sound like too much pressure, what is holding him back from having sex. I mean, he does have a load going on with his ex, no doubt.

 

I mean, you could come right out and say, "Is the reason you're not in a rush to have sex because of emotional stuff or physical stuff?" and just see what he says. The answer is likely "both." I mean, you're 50 percent of this relationship, so you have a right to talk about that.

[nospam99]

Lady, he asked if you had plans for the evening. That was a probe for planning a date. Your response turned his question into a joke. He backed off, as I (or any sensible man) would, with the operant assumption of 'she doesn't want to see me today'. If you'd like to see him tonight, contact him again (maybe apologize for the joke) and ask him if he wants to see you - the night is still young.

[basil67]

I agree that he was wanting to see you tonight. That said, it's interesting that neither of you reached out during the week to set up something for the night. What's going on there?

Edited November 29, 2019 by basil67

[K.K.]

Yes, thanks for clarifying. I misunderstood.

 

Aww ... it does sound like he wanted to see you tonight. I liked the cute banter in you guys messages.

[Lotsgoingon]

This guy sounds really SCARED. The red flag for me is that he reports he is still bitter about his ex. He says he was his ex's lapdog ... and she cheated on him a lot.

 

Sounds like this guy in his marriage didn't quite have the skepticism or attention to clues ... or ability to add up clue 1 and clue 2 and take a stand. In other words, he suffers the weak boundaries/week assertiveness problem, which I know quite well.

 

He may need to develop better boundaries in order to go further in a relationship. The boundaries--the ability to say yes, no, i'm not sure, here's what I want, here's what I don't want, i'll do this now if you do this later, hey that thing you did the other night was odd--are what allow people to feel safe when dating seriously, because you know you can shape the relationship and protect yourself. You don't have to feel you're jumping off the high dive--blindly. You can wade in the water, keep going ... pause if you're uncomfortable ... and all of that. He doesn't seem to have that instinct.

 

Has he talked about revamping and strengthening his boundaries? That's a project! If he hasn't worked on these issues--like in therapy--I worry that he's gonna always be terrified and distant and cautious. And it's not your job to make him feel comfortable.

 

Be careful about working too hard. Working hard early on in a relationship has always signaled a major problem for me. By working hard, I mean that you feel some distance (though not enough for a full scale panic) ... you feel something is missing, that his interest, his drive to connect to you is weak (though he's not so terrible as to make this 100 percent clear) ... And so, despite feeling that, you work hard to reassure yourself, to not react harshly, to not panic, to not feel like you're not a priority.

 

When I recall working hard, I remember concertedly making an effort to calm and reassure myself that this other person was really into me.

 

Does it feel to you like you're working hard?

[elaine567]

If he was wanting to see you tonight then why didn't he just say that?

Your grocery shop was hardly an event set in stone and would not have deterred any interested guy.

I don't think he had any intention of seeing you tonight and I note that you initiated the texting too...

[elaine567]

I am guessing he has some kind of issues when it comes to sex.

 

So am I.

Two grown non virginal adults with no other outlet for sex, who are actively dating usually fall into bed pretty rapidly. Lust takes over.

The fact he declined MO's offer of staying the night was a bad sign.

Even if they just kissed and cuddled and chatted in bed, it would have moved the relationship forward but he ducked out for some reason... unwilling or unable maybe to stay away from home for the night...

 

I may have spent too long on LS, but I would not be surprised if there is not another woman involved here somewhere, it may even be his wife.

[preraph]

It occurred to me that if he's hoping to get back with his wife, that he knows having sex with another woman would be a dealbreaker for her. Or maybe he is just getting to know you. Or maybe he has ED . I do think you should ask what's up.