I don't understand why "dating" is such a normal thing for most people

[Garcon1986]

The first rule of dating is you must allow a woman to feel comfortable around you and have interesting conversation.

 

If you can't get to that point all the other treats/rewards/adventures in dating are not accessible to you.

 

It's up to you if you are motivated enough to change your situation. We've got plenty of advice for you if you want to make the wholesale life change that will improve your situation. If you don't, then you will be in the exact same place you are now, in 10 years.

 

Do you want to look at yourself in the mirror in 10 years and say "I did nothing with my life"?

 

Or will you stand up, be a real man, and face your demons head on?

[h0000]

Have you ever fallen in love with anyone?

Or..have you ever even romantically liked anyone

 

Maybe your problem is because you never liked anyone enough to make an effort

[Inflikted]

It's up to you if you are motivated enough to change your situation. We've got plenty of advice for you if you want to make the wholesale life change that will improve your situation. If you don't, then you will be in the exact same place you are now, in 10 years.

 

Do you want to look at yourself in the mirror in 10 years and say "I did nothing with my life"?

 

Or will you stand up, be a real man, and face your demons head on?

 

For me, it's less about motivation and more about knowing myself. I know that all I ever do is disappoint myself. I'll forever get in my own way because I don't know how not to. No, I don't want to be in the same place 10 years from now. But I know that I will be. Because I don't change. I'm always just disappointing old me.

 

Have you ever fallen in love with anyone?

Or..have you ever even romantically liked anyone

 

Maybe your problem is because you never liked anyone enough to make an effort

 

I thought I had once, but in reality, I was just obsessed with her.

[Garcon1986]

The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 

I am a reformed former grumpy cat who once thought all women were taken and I was an outcast in the world of dating. Now I've had several dates and a few successful relationships. Bloody turned my whole world around, and never knew I could do such things.

 

If you want to stay in the same endless loop of pitying yourself, be my guest. If you want to reach for some hope, check your PMs.

[mark clemson]

Dunno Inflikted. It's been easy for me for much of my life because there's always been women who either were interested in me or responded when I showed interest.

 

As I see it, the first step would be to make yourself as attractive as possible. Next would be get good at/be willing to socialize This doesn't have to be anything special, just be willing to talk/have a naturally flowing conversation with a woman who's interested in talking to you (because you're attractive).

 

Then you have to be able to read signs of romantic (beyond conversational) interest and respond by either taking the lead in initiating (say, a kiss or asking to do something where the two of you pair off together) or waiting for her to do this and responding appropriately.

 

All of this is easier said than done for those who struggle with it. Then again many/most of us do it (or something similar) at least a few times in our lives.

 

IF you can do the above, you can have a relationship.

 

The relationship may or may not last, due to a variety of factors, but you're at the starting point, so having the relationship at all would be the first step.

[chillii]

Op . when most people want something bad enough, they bucker up and find a way of getting it or doing it.

Your a grown man in his 30s , not 15, with no pain there's no glory in life, yaknow.

You might think it's easy for others but you got no idea what they go through a long the way, but if you want something you suck it up , get up , and try again.

All the typing on a keyboard in the world can't do things for ya.

You gotta do whatever you need to to get what things you want in life, just like everyone else does.

lt's your choice.

[TheFinalWord]

I never really understood the "fake it till you make it" thing, because I always felt like, if I knew how to "fake it", then I could just do it for real. It's hard to fake something I don't know how to do, you know?

 

You're over thinking it. All it means is that you do a set of behaviors, even if you don't feel like it. Have you ever woken up and not felt like going into work, but went anyway? Then had to deal with a customer and put on a pleasant face, even if you felt terrible on the inside? If so, you've faked it. Congratulations, you have what it takes.

[Inflikted]

As I see it, the first step would be to make yourself as attractive as possible. Next would be get good at/be willing to socialize This doesn't have to be anything special, just be willing to talk/have a naturally flowing conversation with a woman who's interested in talking to you (because you're attractive).

 

Eh. I definitely wouldn't describe myself as "attractive", but the things that are most unappealing about my appearance are things I can't change. Like, I'm not morbidly obese or noticeably out of shape, or anything. I'm basically already as good as I can reasonably get, but I'm not exactly working with anything great, due to my genetics.

 

In my experience with women, I can honestly say that I never feel like there's ever been a time where someone seemed interested in me beyond just being polite and friendly. But then, I realize that, again, men are "supposed to be" the ones who take the lead, and while I don't outright find people to be "uninteresting", I don't tend to have a strong sense of attraction to anyone in particular. Like, a normal guy could probably go somewhere where people are, look around, and be able to spot women he thinks seem cute or "hot" or attractive in some way. I don't really work like that. Until I've had the opportunity to get to know someone well enough, everyone around me might as well be an amorphous grey blob that I'm basically neutral to.

 

Which, I realize, unfortunately, isn't really how dating works. A guy is "supposed to" cold approach a girl at a coffee shop or a store or a bar, strike up a playful conversation, and get her to agree to a date. And that sucks, because none of that is "me". I can't just look around and hone in on someone around me that I think is attractive. And because I'm so very introverted and reserved, a "cold approach" from me would likely make another person very uncomfortable, and I don't want to make someone feel that way.

 

Then you have to be able to read signs of romantic (beyond conversational) interest and respond by either taking the lead in initiating (say, a kiss or asking to do something where the two of you pair off together) or waiting for her to do this and responding appropriately.

 

I don't even know how to "flirt", to be totally honest. I don't understand those "signals", and I don't understand what you're supposed to do with them or how you're supposed to respond to them. I just know how to be polite and respectful. Which isn't a bad thing, of course, but that's not exactly going to get the sparks flying, I know.

 

Op . when most people want something bad enough, they bucker up and find a way of getting it or doing it.

Your a grown man in his 30s , not 15, with no pain there's no glory in life, yaknow.

You might think it's easy for others but you got no idea what they go through a long the way, but if you want something you suck it up , get up , and try again.

All the typing on a keyboard in the world can't do things for ya.

You gotta do whatever you need to to get what things you want in life, just like everyone else does.

lt's your choice.

 

Well, again, I know dating isn't "easy", I'm just saying that, given how much of a normal fixture of peoples' lives it is, it doesn't seem like it's rocket science, either. If it were THAT challenging, then few people would be able to do it. Yet, most people do it. Often multiple times throughout their lives. While I stand on the outside, being unable to figure out the answer to a puzzle that apparently most other people can solve, and I just can't figure it out.

 

I'm not unwilling to work hard, but dating feels so random and out of my control. At the very least, with dating, you're at the mercy of another person more so than any other "challenge", simply because you can't "make" someone like you and want to date you. If people don't find you appealing, you can't date. Simple as that. If you can't find someone that does find you appealing, you can't date.

 

I suppose I'm a bit of a linear thinker. I perform best with challenges that have a clearly defined process to them. A to B to C, and so on. But dating isn't like that. It's all just a big random crap shoot. Go to a place and "maybe" you'll meet someone you click with (in my case, most likely not). I find it difficult to find the motivation and the optimism for something that's that random and non-linear.

 

And again, yes, I know, my perception of all of this is completely wrong for dating, and is why I'm going to be single for the remainder of my life. I get that. And that's why I'm so frustrated about it.

[Garcon1986]

Energy which is wasted will turn into entropy and disorganized heat. Once that energy is expended on the forum (and this doesn't include the irreversible passage of time), you can never get it back. You can only slow down time if you travel close to relativistic speeds.

 

Does wasting your time on this forum bring you satisfaction, or do you actually want to stand up to your demons and make improvements in your life?

 

Again there are many people here who stand ready to help you but if you are still making a conscious choice to wallow in despair we can't do anything about that.

[Garcon1986]

What sort of supernova in your life would it take to get you to walk the path towards dating success?

[Inflikted]

Does wasting your time on this forum bring you satisfaction, or do you actually want to stand up to your demons and make improvements in your life?

 

It just feels like such a complete lost cause, to me, but I can't seem to "let go" of my want for it, which causes me anguish, which I have difficulties keeping bottled up inside me. Does posting here help that? Not really. But it's better than letting it bubble up inside me all the time.

 

Again there are many people here who stand ready to help you but if you are still making a conscious choice to wallow in despair we can't do anything about that.

 

I don't really know how someone "helps" someone like me.

 

What sort of supernova in your life would it take to get you to walk the path towards dating success?

 

You're asking me? I have no idea.

[Garcon1986]

Wallowing in anything doesn't achieve anything.

 

Make a decision - stay the way you are and be satisfied, or stand up to your demons and check your private messages for help that might just change your life. Don't be wishy washy.

[nospam99]

Hey OP, any chance of the couple who are you friends helping you try to date? She to spiff you up appearance wise and he to wingman? Yes, you'd have to go out on a limb to ask them. But there are ways to ask that are relatively laid back. And I'm assuming they know you well enough to have noticed that you don't have any romance in your life.

[Inflikted]

Make a decision - stay the way you are and be satisfied, or stand up to your demons and check your private messages for help that might just change your life. Don't be wishy washy.

 

I'd love it if I could truly "give up" on wanting the things I want, and move on with my life. But no matter how hard I try to talk myself into that, I can't truly stop wanting them.

 

But it doesn't matter what I want. What I want and what I'm capable of having are two different things.

 

Hey OP, any chance of the couple who are you friends helping you try to date? She to spiff you up appearance wise and he to wingman? Yes, you'd have to go out on a limb to ask them. But there are ways to ask that are relatively laid back. And I'm assuming they know you well enough to have noticed that you don't have any romance in your life.

 

I've briefly had a conversation with her earlier this year, though I felt a bit self conscious so I didn't push the subject much. At the time, she seemed to be confident she'll eventually find someone to introduce me to. We haven't really talked about it since, and I haven't really going a good opportunity to bring it up again, so...

 

To be honest, if anyone, she'd probably be more the "wingman"; just by what she's told me of how they got together, it sounds like she initiated most of it and got the ball rolling with him, heh.

 

The problem is, they're sort of at the point in their lives and their relationship where they're not really "going out" and doing all kinds of stuff all the time. They've settled down into a cozy life, and now enjoy spending the night in and having company over (like myself).

 

So, even if they could help me in any way, I don't really know how that could get started now that they're a bit settled down.

[normal person]

For me, it's less about motivation and more about knowing myself. I know that all I ever do is disappoint myself. I'll forever get in my own way because I don't know how not to.

 

I'm a big fan of self awareness and knowing one's limitations, but how are you ever going to learn what or what not to do if you never try? If you try, make a mistake, learn from it, don't do it again and try something else, eventually you'll have a decent framework of what to do and not do. If you never give a serious test of your capabilities and limitations, do you really know what you're capable of?

 

No, I don't want to be in the same place 10 years from now. But I know that I will be. Because I don't change.

 

So are you willing to change, or unwilling to change? Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone to try and get what you want, or aren't you? Because if not, why are you even starting a thread? It's just going to be a waste of time.

[Garcon1986]

I don't like it when perfectly good potential energy is going to waste. Donate to me if you were going to waste it.

[Garcon1986]

Become a disciple of the secret fire, a wielder of the flame of Arnor.

[Inflikted]

I'm a big fan of self awareness and knowing one's limitations, but how are you ever going to learn what or what not to do if you never try? If you try, make a mistake, learn from it, don't do it again and try something else, eventually you'll have a decent framework of what to do and not do. If you never give a serious test of your capabilities and limitations, do you really know what you're capable of?

 

"Try" what? As far as socializing, I feel like I should have had more than enough "practice" to learn and get better at that. I worked in customer service for over ten years, with 4-5 of those years happening concurrently while I was enrolled in classes. I've had plenty of opportunities to watch and learn, to observe, to become a more social and outgoing person towards people, and I tried hard to learn. I really did. It just always felt like I could never apply any of that to my own life and to my own interactions with people. It seems as though I don't truly "learn".

 

And as for dating, well, again, if no one finds you particularly appealing, you don't get to try dating. No one I've ever met has found me appealing, thus, I can't simply "try" dating, because there's no one for me to "try" it with.

 

So are you willing to change, or unwilling to change? Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone to try and get what you want, or aren't you? Because if not, why are you even starting a thread? It's just going to be a waste of time.

 

I do want to be "better", but at the same time, I can't see myself becoming that way. I don't feel like I'm capable of significant change, and at this point, I think I'd need to become a completely different person in order to be able to have the things I want. And I just don't think I have it in me to become a completely different person.

 

I make threads because I'm extremely frustrated. Frustrated with myself, mostly. My entire existence is basically frustration. Frustration that stems from wanting to be better but knowing I'm incapable of becoming that better person and having that better life. I don't know what else to do with myself. The frustration gets to me, and I just... need to vent, to talk to people, to put it out there so I'm not drowning in it alone. Because I don't know what else to do, at this point.

[Trail Blazer]

If I were to take everything you've said on face value, I'd say you're a lost cause. Because, with an attitude like yours, you pretty much are. Anyone is a lost cause when their outlook is so self-limiting. You need to find something within; a will or desire to change your outlook, if you genuinely want to create change in your life.

 

I have no idea what the solution is for you. Are you on the spectrum? You've said you don't even see people as people, just blobs, until you get to know them better. Having a complete inability to relate to people on a superficial level will make it incredibly hard to get close enough to be able to connect on a more intimate level.

 

Being "not attractive" is also very limiting, especially as a guy, if looking at the online dating route. I don't know how "not attractive" you are, but you could give it a try, perhaps, with little expectation. I mean, if doesn't work, write it off and move on. Many guys find it hard, so you really have nothing to lose. On the flipside, you may strike up a few conversations and from there, who knows!?

 

Good luck.

[Inflikted]

If I were to take everything you've said on face value, I'd say you're a lost cause. Because, with an attitude like yours, you pretty much are. Anyone is a lost cause when their outlook is so self-limiting. You need to find something within; a will or desire to change your outlook, if you genuinely want to create change in your life.

 

Yeah... Sigh.

 

Being "not attractive" is also very limiting, especially as a guy, if looking at the online dating route. I don't know how "not attractive" you are, but you could give it a try, perhaps, with little expectation. I mean, if doesn't work, write it off and move on. Many guys find it hard, so you really have nothing to lose. On the flipside, you may strike up a few conversations and from there, who knows!?

 

I've tried online dating and Tinder many times over. On regular dating sites, I can't get anyone to talk to me. On stuff like Tinder, I get no matches at all.

 

The thing with online dating to me, is that while it seems like a good idea for people who struggle socially, such as myself, I find it difficult to determine whether I would be "interested" in someone just from a few pictures of them and a few sentences they wrote about themselves. Similarly, I don't feel like I can really "define" myself easily with a few pictures and a few sentences.

[Garcon1986]

1. What do you look like? Thin? Large? short? Tall?

 

2. Do you have any interests right now?

 

3. Do you exercise?

 

4. What's your work?

[Happy Lemming]

I've tried online dating and Tinder many times over.

 

OK... How would you feel about going to a "Speed Dating" event??

 

It's not that expensive and it might be a good leaning experience. You may discover that "Speed Dating" works for you. Who knows, you might even meet someone compatible...

[Inflikted]

1. What do you look like? Thin? Large? short? Tall?

 

3. Do you exercise?

 

I'm unfortunately ridiculously short (barely 5'1"). While I could stand to lose a few pounds and get in a little better shape, I'm not noticeably "fat" or disgustingly out of shape. Heck, put me next to any average guy, and I look smaller than them. Exercising isn't really a priority to me and I don't feel like it would make me more "attractive".

 

Unfortunately, I don't have a very attractive face, either. I have a very dopey "teenager who hasn't gone through puberty yet" face.

 

So, in my opinion, my being unattractive is based on what I can't change -- my height and my face.

 

Do you have any interests right now?

 

Eh. I spent the last 4+ years burying myself in running my own YouTube channel, as I liked doing video stuff. But, not too long ago, I decided to stop because I was feeling burnt out, wasn't enjoying it anymore, and didn't feel like I was improving or bettering my skills.

 

Since then, I've been "between" interests. I've just been catching up on shows and movies I skipped out on before, I'm into gaming, and basically just doing any activities my friends invite me to.

 

4. What's your work?

 

I basically have a low end "advertising/ marketing" job. Although, that's probably even dressing it up too much. I don't make a lot of money, but it's not a bad job, and I feel like it's something I can do reasonably well.

 

OK... How would you feel about going to a "Speed Dating" event??

 

It's not that expensive and it might be a good leaning experience. You may discover that "Speed Dating" works for you. Who knows, you might even meet someone compatible...

 

I dunno. Maybe? I always hoped I'd be able to meet someone naturally rather than having to "force" it. Would someone like myself, who notoriously makes very poor first (and second, third, etc.) impressions on people really do well in a scenario where you have to try to make a good impression in a rapid format?

[Happy Lemming]

I always hoped I'd be able to meet someone naturally rather than having to "force" it. Would someone like myself, who notoriously makes very poor first (and second, third, etc.) impressions on people really do well in a scenario where you have to try to make a good impression in a rapid format?

 

Tinder and on-line dating apps are not "Meeting someone naturally" and you tried those avenues (repeatedly). Why not give "Speed Dating" a try, what have you got to lose?? It appears the cost is around $34 (based on the brief research I just did)

 

You've got 6 minutes to talk to a woman and I think there are about 10 women you will meet. (I only went to one speed dating event, so I have very little knowledge to draw from) So if you get a little tongue tied with the first woman, you'll do better & get the hang of it as you move from table to table.

 

Have some canned questions ready, favorite author, best recent book you've read, best place you've had Italian food. Just don't use the same old "what do you do for work" & "what do you do with your free time" questions. You want to be unique and stand out from the crowd.

[Garcon1986]

Inflikted, exercise should be a priority whether you are looking for a woman or not. There are hundreds of different sports you could do, why not start browsing the list?

 

You might think you look bad but you can get a better haircut and better attire.

 

Your interests describe most Mississippi women pretty accurately; they like football, guns, beer, and horses. A limited range of interests. You are bound to find women to at least chat with who have done one of the things you have done. Did you ever do gaming? Consider meeting fellow gamers?

 

Next, if you are this apathetic about the entire world, do you actually have anxiety/ depression/ hypothyroidism/ anemia/ something related ? Have you seen a doctor about this?