I don't understand why "dating" is such a normal thing for most people

[Inflikted]

I've really never understood how dating and relationships are such a common, normal part of most people's lives. And sure, I know that dating isn't "easy" for anyone, and I know that finding the "right one" is more difficult. But it seems like the average person can generally make connections and find mutual attraction with others relatively commonly. Even if the relationships don't work out over time, people still find others they share enough of a connection with to at least try it out for a time. Heck, most people have multiple relationships over the course of their lives.

 

As someone who's over 30 that's never even been on a date, I just don't get it. And yeah, maybe there are others like me that are forever single, but we seem to be a minority. For the majority, dating and relationships are a normal everyday part of life. I don't understand why it's not the other way around. I don't understand why more people aren't perpetually single, and why the people who managage to find someone to date aren't the minority. I don't understand why it's not this difficult for the majority of people to find someone.

 

And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to "whine" that it's "not fair" that I don't get to experience this for myself. But to be honest, it's incredibly frustrating and hurtful to know that I've missed out on this basic part of existence, and that I'll never know what it's like. It's frustrating to know that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, while the majority of people around me are able to mingle and connect and fall in love and all of that.

 

Why am I in the minority? Why isn't the majority more like me?

[smackie9]

OK my experience, I had my first BF at 13, I was socially awkward, wore glasses, had acne, etc. I worked damn hard at bettering myself, and looking my best with what I had, and put myself out there. I never sat around and "waited" or watched from the side lines. It wasn't easy for me, I struggled a lot, had a lot of rejection, was teased, but I didn't let that push me down.

You see this all falls on you and your ability to light a fire under your own ass and get on it.

 

The key factor here is desire, how much of it you have and having enough to push yourself. And strong desire is the driving force for the majority. Nothing falls into your lap. It's your effort...100%.

[Happy Lemming]

Similar to "smackie9", I started dating around 15-ish... Going to the movies with my little girlfriend, school dances, walks in the park, etc. etc. I got practice at dating (at a young age) and this development process continued as I got older and into adult hood.

 

I understand you did not take this path and now you are in your 30's with no dating experience. So, what to do next...?

 

(a) Sit at home, holed up in your room wishing and hoping that some woman will come knock on your door and fulfill all your dreams.

 

(b) make a plan to accomplish your goal of dating and finding a girlfriend, that could progress into a healthy and possible long term relationship.

 

I understand your living arrangements and your desire to move out on your own, but that situation should not deter you from developing some socializing skills. Getting "take out" once a week from the same Chinese food restaurant is not socializing. You need to face your fear, take its power (over you) away and talk to new & different people in a social setting.

 

As I stated in your other thread, if you would like a plan to follow; I know myself as well as other posters would be glad to give you some suggestions and/or a plan to assuage this fear. It does take baby steps to get over this fear, but if you want to have a healthy & normal relationship with a woman, you'll need to start taking those steps.

[preraph]

If having a relationship is that hard for you to fathom, so scary, so hard to navigate, then I guess I don't understand why you think you want one so bad. Maybe you really don't want one bad enough or you'd find a way.

 

I second what Happy Lemming said. No woman is going to just magically appear and do everything the limited way you're comfortable with in your imagination so that it works for you. You have already taken steps and become more social and you've enjoyed it, though you still kick yourself for being more so. But it's true. You have to practice being social and come to accept other people into your life and learn skills to cope with them, different types of people, so that you even have the tolerance for a woman if you happen to meet one sometime. Right now, I envision that you have very narrow parameters for a woman within which you could see a relationship developing, and that is going to be what holds you back. You've got to continue to expand your social tolerance and activity and participation and learn as you go to cope with being social and learning how to get along with people. It sounds to me like you did very well with those new friends of yours and that it wasn't as big of a hump as you thought it would be just being friends.

 

I wonder what your childhood was like that you didn't learn social skills. You are still living at home, so I assume it wasn't abusive or neglectful. What about your parents? Are they social people? Do they have friends and go do things out of the home? Or do you feel like you have some kind of brain chemical thing like ADD that interferes, and have you been tested for anything like that?

[max3732]

I'm in a similar situation to the OP except I had my first real girlfriend around 30 and had gone on several dates or at least spent time with women I was interested in quite often. Whether those were dates or not I'm not sure.

 

Growing up I was one of the most popular kids in elementary school, then struggled a bit moving to a new school for middle school and then had a lot of friends by the time I graduated high school. That being said I had no experience whatsoever dating. Nearly all my friends were guys and the only girls I liked didn't like me back. So I was out socializing with friends/family, playing sports, video games, and other activities, but never leaned how to relate to women.

 

So you don't have to have ADD or anything to struggle to relate to women or with dating in general. Even now almost all activities that I do are nearly all guys. I've mainly been going on dates because of online dating.

[Inflikted]

I understand you did not take this path and now you are in your 30's with no dating experience. So, what to do next...?

 

(a) Sit at home, holed up in your room wishing and hoping that some woman will come knock on your door and fulfill all your dreams.

 

And strong desire is the driving force for the majority. Nothing falls into your lap. It's your effort...100%.

 

I mean, I never expected someone to just come "knocking at my door", nor did I ever expect to be "handed" anything.

 

As I stated in your other thread, if you would like a plan to follow; I know myself as well as other posters would be glad to give you some suggestions and/or a plan to assuage this fear. It does take baby steps to get over this fear, but if you want to have a healthy & normal relationship with a woman, you'll need to start taking those steps.

 

I don't know that "fear" is apropos in this context. The way I see it is this... I know, obviously, I can't find someone if I'm not meeting people. And true, I've struggled with social issues my entire life. But the bigger dilemma is that I want to do things and go places because I want to, not because I hope or expect to meet anyone out of it. And I simply can't come up with anything that I actively want to do, anything that I have an active interest in. One can suggest, for example, "go to a museum", "go to a bookstore", etc. But I don't want to. Not because of any fears, or anything like that, but because those activities simply don't interest me.

 

I struggle to come up with things that interest me, that I want to get up and go do. And when something does pique my interest, it typically ends up being something that's not conducive to actually getting out and mingling with people.

 

"Getting out" is only one part of the battle, though. I know how I am, and I know that, even if I am out and about, I'm not going to "meet" anyone. I simply do not connect with people. I've had plenty of opportunity, through past time at school, and the jobs I worked, to learn how to connect with people and be more personable, and I just have not been able to improve in that regard. Heck, in my other thread, I talked about a recent occurrence, where I actively wanted to get back in touch with an old classmate, and then when I see him, I can't even have a conversation with him because my stupid head just doesn't work that way.

 

I appreciate wanting to discuss a "plan", but realistically, I don't have any faith in myself whatsoever to follow any kind of plan that anyone could formulate. Connecting with another person on a deeper level is just something I am not, nor will ever be, capable of doing. It just isn't. It doesn't matter how badly I want it, I will never be able to have that in my life, and yes, that is my fault, and I do hold myself accountable for that.

 

If having a relationship is that hard for you to fathom, so scary, so hard to navigate, then I guess I don't understand why you think you want one so bad.

 

Yanno, I don't know why I "want it", myself. It was something I always dreamed of. A "best friend" that is more, a life partner, someone to go on adventures with, someone to be affectionate and intimate with... I "want" that, but I couldn't tell you why I want it. I just do. But it doesn't matter, because I can't have it.

 

Right now, I envision that you have very narrow parameters for a woman within which you could see a relationship developing, and that is going to be what holds you back.

 

To be honest, I think it might be the opposite. What I mean is, I can't even imagine anything at all. I can't imagine what a good partner for me would be like. I can't imagine any scenario in which I'd meet that person. I don't think I'm looking for something overly specific, and to happen in an also overly specific way. Rather, I can't see anything. If you asked me to describe my ideal partner right now, I couldn't answer that question. I just don't know. Nothing seems realistic.

 

I wonder what your childhood was like that you didn't learn social skills. You are still living at home, so I assume it wasn't abusive or neglectful. What about your parents? Are they social people? Do they have friends and go do things out of the home?

 

They do not, no. They've never been social that I can remember, nor do I recall them ever going out and doing anything, whether with each other or with friends, or anything like that. Honestly, I don't even think they like each other that much, and are more just like roommates that happen to also have me. When my dad's not at work, they both just hang out at home separately, watching TV or something, aside from going shopping a couple times a week.

 

Or do you feel like you have some kind of brain chemical thing like ADD that interferes, and have you been tested for anything like that?

 

Who knows? I've never been tested for anything, no. At this point, I don't really care to. In my opinion, I feel like I'm "functional" enough that I should be able to be a normal, well-adjusted, social adult. I don't know what my "excuse" is as for why I'm not.

[Ami1uwant]

First off....women generally had it easier because guys were the initiators.

 

No matter what you were in high school Ir college with having dates...it was far easier at that age with more social interactions

 

When you get you 30+ peop,e start getting married and having kids or focused on there career or future. Dating become much more difficult.

 

Where you’d interact most with..at work...but many refuse to date coworkers.

 

Meeting peop,e will come from

 

1 friends of cowers or friends

2 local are that you coukd see regularly near you live

3 thru church or clubs/social groups you socialize in

4 thru random meets.

5 via online apps or dating programs

[Happy Lemming]

But the bigger dilemma is that I want to do things and go places because I want to, not because I hope or expect to meet anyone out of it. And I simply can't come up with anything that I actively want to do...

 

To accomplish a goal, sometimes we have to do things we don't like to do.

[Inflikted]

To accomplish a goal, sometimes we have to do things we don't like to do.

 

In general, sure. But I'm not talking about a matter of "not wanting to come out of my comfort zone", I'm talking about a matter in which I just can't find anything that interests me enough to want to pursue it just for the sake of doing it.

[Garcon1986]

What are these uninteresting hobbies that you have that you are so sure that nobody else wants to get involved in?

[FMW]

How are your other relationship - friends, family, co-workers?

 

If you have trouble connecting romantically my guess is you have similar trouble connecting just in general.

 

Relationships, of any kind, require interest in and curiosity about other people (including at least a minimal interest in hearing about THEIR interests, whether you share them or not).

 

My ex-husband has a hard time with relationships because he only wants interaction with others when he wants it and how he wants it. It doesn't work that way.

 

You seem to be like him, unwilling to step outside of your own interests. So, just like him, you'll probably have few real connections to other people.

Edited November 28, 2019 by Finding my way

[Garcon1986]

There are many people like you on this forum, Inflikted, who don't want to enact real change to seek out those relationships. It is only through self improvement and a wholesale change in your view on the world that you will get a relationship.

[preraph]

Well, we know where you got it at least. Your parents weren't good role models for being social and comfortable around others, I guess.

 

I'm sorry to hear you can't even envision someone who would mesh with you, but it's probably better that way than being too narrow in parameters.

 

I still think continuing to seek and hang with friends is your best path so you just get more comfortable socializing and more exposure to other people.

[SumGuy]

Life is about reproduction or we wouldn’t be here.

One thing a species does and us motivated to do is mate, and as a social species where it literally takes well over a decade to reach sexual maturity, to mate you first date/form a relationship.

 

So it’s surprising to me at all people are dating and in relationships, the drive is so strong IMHO we’ll accept all sorts of dysfunction to do so.

[Inflikted]

What are these uninteresting hobbies that you have that you are so sure that nobody else wants to get involved in?

 

I didn't necessarily say that, just that my interests and hobbies tend to be ones I can do by myself, at home. In any case, over the last few months, I became burnt out on my primary hobby, so now I'm kind of "in between" things and I haven't been able to land on something new. In this current "in between" period, much of my free time has been used on catching up on shows and movies I missed out on over the last several years, as well as spending time with my friends.

 

How are your other relationship - friends, family, co-workers?

 

I'd say things are good with my friends, though I find myself frequently second guessing myself, worrying I'm either trying too hard or not trying hard enough, etc.

 

My only real family are my parents. The rest are spread out and are disinterested in having any communication with me. I have a complicated and unhealthy relationship with my mom.

 

My coworkers are three women. I'd say I get along with them fine, though most of the time, at work, they do all of the talking and I really never have the chance to get a word in, edgewise, heh...

 

Relationships, of any kind, require interest in and curiosity about other people (including at least a minimal interest in hearing about THEIR interests, whether you share them or not).

 

My ex-husband has a hard time with relationships because he only wants interaction with others when he wants it and how he wants it. It doesn't work that way.

 

You seem to be like him, unwilling to step outside of your own interests. So, just like him, you'll probably have few real connections to other people.

 

That's the thing, it's not that I'm disinterested in people, I just never feel like I know what to say or what to ask when I'm "in the moment". It's like my mind just goes completely blank. On top of that, I also get concerned I'll say or ask the "wrong" thing, or come off as too invasive, or something.

 

My friend tells me I'm a good listener. But I never feel like I ever have anything meaningful to say to keep the conversation flowing. I'm sure I do come off as "disinterested" to the average person who doesn't know me well, and I feel bad about that, because I'm really not, I just don't know how to interact like a normal human being.

[TheFinalWord]

OP, are you a guy or girl?

 

There's a big difference because men initiate and if a woman is relatively attractive, and even now a days those standards are low in my opinion, a woman will have tons of opportunities to date during her youth. A girl I went out with showed me her Bumble having only been in my city for one hour. She had over 200 matches. And she was just slightly above average looking. That's why the advice "you'll meet them when you're not looking" works for women. If men apply that advice, nothing will ever happen.

 

Like Happy said, if you're a guy, you absolutely must make dating happen. Don't feel bad about your past. I'm unsure what your past is like, but my dad taught me nothing about dating. Literally, his first girlfriend at 21 was my mom and they've been together ever since. She did all the pursuing. So, I was taught nothing about women or dating. Thankfully, there are resources out there. PM me if you want the books I think you should start with...

Edited November 28, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Inflikted]

OP, are you a guy or girl?

 

There's a big difference because men initiate and if a woman is relatively attractive, and even now a days those standards are low in my opinion, a woman will have tons of opportunities to date. A girl I went out with showed me her Bumble having only been in my city for one hour. She had over 200 matches. And she was just slightly above average. That's why the advice "you'll meet them when you're not looking" works for women. If men apply that advice, nothing will ever happen.

 

Like Happy said, if you're a guy, you absolutely must make dating happen. Don't feel bad about your past. I'm unsure what your past is like, but my dad taught me nothing about dating. Literally, his first girlfriend at 21 was my mom and they've been together ever since. She did all the pursuing. So, I was taught nothing about women or dating. Thankfully, there are resources out there. PM me if you want the books I think you should start with...

 

I'm a guy, yeah. I do know that men are generally supposed to be the "initiators" or "pursuers", or the ones who makes it happen, or whatever you want to call it, and that's another reason I know I'll never be with someone, because I just can't make things happen for myself, in general. And trust me, I've done some research, I've read articles and watched YT videos about being more "confident" and strong-willed, but it never resonates with me, because I'm just not that. At my core, I'm not those things.

[TheFinalWord]

Fake it till you make it. That's what I did. You're right that confidence comes from experience. For me, it was like how when you get your first job. You tell the potential employer "yeah I can do that" when in reality you have no clue. Then once you get the job you find that you can learn and you can do it. Over time your confidence builds. If you are able to secure a job and be successful in a job, you can date. It's the same skill set you're tapping into, just a different object of your focus.

[SumGuy]

....

So it’s surprising to me at all people are dating and in relationships, the drive is so strong IMHO we’ll accept all sorts of dysfunction to do so.

 

Oops ...not surprising to me...

[Happy Lemming]

...I'm talking about a matter in which I just can't find anything that interests me enough to want to pursue it just for the sake of doing it.

 

Many years ago, I lived in a cold weather state and it snowed from time to time (during the winter).

 

At the time, I had a mortgage on a home I was working on. If I wanted to pay that mortgage, I had to go to work everyday. If it snowed during the night, I'd have to get up extra early to shovel out the car/driveway, in order to go to work... to make money... to pay the mortgage.

 

Was I particularly interested or happy to get out of my warm bed (extra early) to go shovel snow... NO, but I had a goal to fix up and pay off that home, so I did something that I wasn't interested in doing to accomplish the goal.

 

You will have to go places and do things that are main stream in order to be in a position (and increase your odds) to meet women.

[preraph]

Most people like eating or having a couple of drinks, don't you? So you could join a meetup where people just go out to eat (Alpha actually runs one of those). You don't have to talk much. You can just introduce yourself and eat if you want and if the host is good and there's new people, they'll have them say what they do. No big deal.

[Ami1uwant]

I'm a guy, yeah. I do know that men are generally supposed to be the "initiators" or "pursuers", or the ones who makes it happen, or whatever you want to call it, and that's another reason I know I'll never be with someone, because I just can't make things happen for myself, in general. And trust me, I've done some research, I've read articles and watched YT videos about being more "confident" and strong-willed, but it never resonates with me, because I'm just not that. At my core, I'm not those things.

 

Do you have female friends ? How do you interact with fenales at work?

 

For me I have trouble approaching a woman I may want yo date. I’m not good at starting conversations and reading non verbal cues.

 

If some incident a conversation naturally starts without me forcing it, things go well.

 

A problem I have now is telling age and how old someone is.

 

For years I’ve used online dating to meet peop,e which gets past these problems in i tiating a date.

[Inflikted]

Fake it till you make it. That's what I did. You're right that confidence comes from experience.

 

I never really understood the "fake it till you make it" thing, because I always felt like, if I knew how to "fake it", then I could just do it for real. It's hard to fake something I don't know how to do, you know?

 

You will have to go places and do things that are main stream in order to be in a position (and increase your odds) to meet women.

 

Sure, but your example is different in that you're talking about menial tasks that are just part of the every day grind. Stuff that you just do on autopilot, like clockwork, because it's necessary for you to go about your day.

 

Socializing, though, is a lot more... "random", and non-linear. Again, I do realize I can't find someone if I'm not out meeting people, but if I'm not particularly attached to the place or the activity, I just don't really see the point, and thus, I don't have the motivation. Chances are, even if I AM going out and doing something, I'm still not going to "meet" anyone, so I might as well get something out of the activity, itself, yanno? Otherwise it's just a giant waste of time and I feel less inclined to go out and do something again.

 

Most people like eating or having a couple of drinks, don't you? So you could join a meetup where people just go out to eat (Alpha actually runs one of those). You don't have to talk much. You can just introduce yourself and eat if you want and if the host is good and there's new people, they'll have them say what they do. No big deal.

 

Yeah, I guess. I just really hate being "the quiet guy in the background", and I'm always very self-aware and self-conscious when I end up in that spot. It's awkward, and I end up beating myself up over it. But I just do the same thing every time.

 

Do you have female friends ? How do you interact with fenales at work?

 

I mean, my closest friend is a girl. In general, I feel like I warm up easier to women than I do with other guys, particularly women who are a bit more social and outgoing than I am, but I still never connect beyond being an acquaintance.

 

I think I'm basically okay with the women I work with, though like I said, most of the time, they're all talking about their stuff, and I'm only able to interject for a one liner or something.

[Happy Lemming]

Again, I do realize I can't find someone if I'm not out meeting people, but if I'm not particularly attached to the place or the activity, I just don't really see the point, and thus, I don't have the motivation...

 

Here we are stuck in the same error loop, over and over again.

 

You want a girlfriend/relationship, but you are not willing to put in the work necessary to obtain said girlfriend/relationship.

 

The place/activity is not the goal, the actual socializing is. The process of meeting a potential date is your goal, so you have to engage in activities where you might meet her. Sometimes we have to do activities/chores that are mundane or boring to get to the end goal.

[Inflikted]

Here we are stuck in the same error loop, over and over again.

 

You want a girlfriend/relationship, but you are not willing to put in the work necessary to obtain said girlfriend/relationship.

 

Yeah... :/

 

The place/activity is not the goal, the actual socializing is. The process of meeting a potential date is your goal, so you have to engage in activities where you might meet her. Sometimes we have to do activities/chores that are mundane or boring to get to the end goal.

 

I don't really equate social activities with basic chores though, yanno? If I go out with the primary goal of trying to meet people, I know I'll fail and disappoint myself. At least if I were going to do something I had an interest in, I could still get something out of the experience even when I inevitably fail to meet anyone. Right?

 

And if I'm not showing an enthusiasm for the thing I'm out doing, is that not off-putting and unattractive to potential people I could meet? I don't want to go places and do things just to "prowl" on people.