2 months & 4 dates, hugs scare her

[cre8r]

Had 4 dates with a woman, the first date she refused a hug however she suggested a kiss on the check instead. No contact on 2nd date, 3rd date she wanted pics of us together in which I had my arm around her and she didn't seem to mind. As we parted after the 4th date, I got her consent for a hug and just as soon as I went for it, it seemed as if she tripped over something but it was a ploy to quickly get away. And again she said I need to learn the cheek kiss, which I did and she was receptive and actually reciprocated simutainiously. Additionally, she initiates texts at least twice a day (for the past 2 months), from the get-go says she's comfortable with me however she admits and is apologetic for being nervous. All dates have been at the same restaurant, I'm unsure how to advance the relationship. Thoughts that come to mind, was she sexually abused in the past or possibly just not attracted. Anyone elses thoughts are appreciated.

[RecentChange]

Such an extreme adversion to hugging is certainly unusual, in our culture at least.

 

Heck I have business acquaintances who go in for hugs, I couldn't imagine recoiling when they did.

 

Two months of correspondence for cheek pecks - well I give it to you, you are certainly patient!

 

I don't know how to advise you, it seems like she has some issues but sounds like she is also closed off and probably won't be open to talking to you about them.

 

Has she had relationships before? Is she an inexperienced virgin?

 

Do you want to get into a relationship with someone who may have serious issues surrounding sex and sexuality?

[cre8r]

Such an extreme adversion to hugging is certainly unusual, in our culture at least.

 

Heck I have business acquaintances who go in for hugs, I couldn't imagine recoiling when they did.

 

Two months of correspondence for cheek pecks - well I give it to you, you are certainly patient!

 

I don't know how to advise you, it seems like she has some issues but sounds like she is also closed off and probably won't be open to talking to you about them.

 

Has she had relationships before? Is she an inexperienced virgin?

 

Do you want to get into a relationship with someone who may have serious issues surrounding sex and sexuality?

 

Thanks for your response. She has 2 adult children, not a virgin. Yes, I'm patient as she's previously dated 2 other people and both didn't go (or last) to a 4th date as I did. Also I wonder if it's a religious issue. Presently I'm patient as I enjoy the time with her, but at some time I'm going to get antsy

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The only thing I can offer is this story: I have a friend from college who was in a car wreck in her teens and her back never healed properly. She had a lump protruding from one of her vertebrae. She was SO self conscious about hugs for this reason. She thought it was grotesque and that if anyone felt it while hugging her (nevermind SEEING it) they would not want anything to do with her anymore. She was (still is) beautiful and brilliant. Her self consciousness about it affected all of her relationships. She didn't get married until she was 40.

 

Other than feeling self conscious about her body for some reason, I got nothin'. Is she very religious?

[RecentChange]

Is she deeply religious? Are you deeply religious?

 

I guess what I am asking - are you compatible with this?

 

For me, "touch" is my #1 love language. I love to hug, cuddle, sit close, hold hands, things like that. It's important to me. Makes me feel loved, secure, comfortable etc. I am a touchy feely person.

 

So for ME someone not comfortable with hugging, someone who isn't touchy feely would never ever work - major incompatibility.

 

But perhaps you are comfortable with this. Maybe you don't like putting a hand on a her leg while you drive, or all of the little touchy things a person like me enjoys.

 

Dating is about finding out if two people are compatible - so far, do you think you two are?

[d0nnivain]

is it the same woman? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/691490-she-wouldn-t-hug-after-1st-date-but-texts-me-everyday-update

 

it sounds like she has ISSUES & you would be better served giving her a wide berth. You can't actually believe you two would ever be sexually compatible. She sounds like a cold fish, at best.

[cre8r]

The only thing I can offer is this story: I have a friend from college who was in a car wreck in her teens and her back never healed properly. She had a lump protruding from one of her vertebrae. She was SO self conscious about hugs for this reason. She thought it was grotesque and that if anyone felt it while hugging her (nevermind SEEING it) they would not want anything to do with her anymore. She was (still is) beautiful and brilliant. Her self consciousness about it affected all of her relationships. She didn't get married until she was 40.

 

Other than feeling self conscious about her body for some reason, I got nothin'. Is she very religious?

 

That's something to consider, thanks for offering that possibility. I dont know how religious she is but she gives off a respectable vibe.

[ExpatInItaly]

All dates have been at the same restaurant

 

Is this her idea or yours?

 

Meaning, have you invited her other places and she turns it down?

[cre8r]

Is she deeply religious? Are you deeply religious?

 

I guess what I am asking - are you compatible with this?

 

For me, "touch" is my #1 love language. I love to hug, cuddle, sit close, hold hands, things like that. It's important to me. Makes me feel loved, secure, comfortable etc. I am a touchy feely person.

 

So for ME someone not comfortable with hugging, someone who isn't touchy feely would never ever work - major incompatibility.

 

But perhaps you are comfortable with this. Maybe you don't like putting a hand on a her leg while you drive, or all of the little touchy things a person like me enjoys.

 

Dating is about finding out if two people are compatible - so far, do you think you two are?

 

Agree, at least a hug and a good kiss is essential at this point. I don't know how much her religious influence has on her but she's Hispanic and all Hispanics I know are affectionate. I'm not religious and have no problem with anyone who is.

[RecentChange]

That's something to consider, thanks for offering that possibility. I dont know how religious she is but she gives off a respectable vibe.

 

You seem to know very little about a person you have been texting twice a day for 2 months.

 

What do you all talk about?

 

Any way, she does sound quite frigid - what country is she from where hugging is frowned upon?

 

Do you want a relationship with someone who is adverse to any physical touch?

[RecentChange]

Agree, at least a hug and a good kiss is essential at this point. I don't know how much her religious influence has on her but she's Hispanic and all Hispanics I know are affectionate. I'm not religious and have no problem with anyone who is.

 

Yeah same here - I am not buying the "in my culture we do not hug".

 

You want to be hugging and kissing. She has made it clear that is not in the cards at this point.

 

You must really like her to be willing to set aside being physical with a woman.

[cre8r]

is it the same woman? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/691490-she-wouldn-t-hug-after-1st-date-but-texts-me-everyday-update

 

it sounds like she has ISSUES & you would be better served giving her a wide berth. You can't actually believe you two would ever be sexually compatible. She sounds like a cold fish, at best.

 

Yes, same woman. Right now I'm unsure as to what to think, that's why I'm here. Seems to be some eye-opening thoughts so far.

[cre8r]

Is this her idea or yours?

 

Meaning, have you invited her other places and she turns it down?

 

I've taken the lead on dates. A few weeks back I invited her to my town and house, she agreed with an enthusiastic response so I canceled.

[smackie9]

You can guess all day long, and have us throw in an opinion but this will not solve anything. You have to have a solid discussion with her about it. Now if she skirts around the subject I would just throw up my hands and say "I give up!" how could this ever be worth your time? you put in 2 months and this is not going anywhere.

Edited November 27, 2019 by smackie9

[Kitty Tantrum]

A few weeks back I invited her to my town and house, she agreed with an enthusiastic response so I canceled.

 

Uhhh... you invited her over and then canceled - because she agreed, enthusiastically, to come over? Are we sure she's the one with issues here? Because this sounds weird.

 

If she agreed to come over to your place, do you think it could be simply that she's very appearance-minded? In other words, that she wouldn't be opposed to being more physically intimate in PRIVATE - but not where others can see?

 

I agree with RecentChange - it sounds like you haven't gotten to know her very well if you're still wondering about her aversion to hugging, and have no idea what the basis is. Have you had ANY meaningful conversations with this woman about your respective values, beliefs, etc? Are you trying to advance this relationship physically before establishing any actual emotional intimacy? That could easily account for any standoffishness.

 

Also, just because a woman has children (hence, obviously has past sexual partners, not a virgin) does NOT mean she is now a sexually liberated woman. For example, if she comes from a conservative culture, was a virgin prior to marriage, and only ever had sex within wedlock, she may be approaching dating the same way she did when she was a young virgin. I have at least one friend who did this. Virgin when she married, had a couple of kids, divorced - and had ZERO sexual intimacy between separating from her first husband and marrying her second husband.

 

Whether a hug is considered sexually intimate is a matter of cultural, religious, and individual interpretation.

 

And all the cries of "but that's not normal in her country!" amount to exactly nothing. There are countless cultures and sub-cultures represented in any given country (some extremely conservative, even within otherwise liberal areas), and it's silly to expect any individual to conform to whichever one you've decided is "normal."

 

Bottom line, though, is that you seem bent on advancing the physical aspect of your relationship with this woman without actually talking to her about it and gaining an understanding of what her values are and under what circumstances she WOULD be comfortable with that. You have no idea whether it's because she was abused, or because she's very religious, or because she's afraid of "PDA," etc.

 

We can't answer that question, and neither can an in-depth study of the cultural demographics of her home country. Only SHE can answer that question for you.

[chillii]

I've taken the lead on dates. A few weeks back I invited her to my town and house, she agreed with an enthusiastic response so I canceled.

 

 

What do you mean she agreed , so you cancelled, what you cancelled because she agreed , don't get it.?

Anyway , if you really like her and see maybe long term, l'd persist. But try to talk more too casual l mean don't force it, lighten things up, touch more,has she got a sense of humor.

What she's about what your both about should all be coming out in natural convos anyway, sounds like your tip toe around stuff too much tbh.

But eh , if she wanted to come over to your place she must be into you, persist on if you like her that way, see how it goes.

Good luck

Edited November 27, 2019 by chillii

[cre8r]

Uhhh... you invited her over and then canceled - because she agreed, enthusiastically, to come over? Are we sure she's the one with issues here? Because this sounds weird.

 

If she agreed to come over to your place, do you think it could be simply that she's very appearance-minded? In other words, that she wouldn't be opposed to being more physically intimate in PRIVATE - but not where others can see?

 

I agree with RecentChange - it sounds like you haven't gotten to know her very well if you're still wondering about her aversion to hugging, and have no idea what the basis is. Have you had ANY meaningful conversations with this woman about your respective values, beliefs, etc? Are you trying to advance this relationship physically before establishing any actual emotional intimacy? That could easily account for any standoffishness.

 

Also, just because a woman has children (hence, obviously has past sexual partners, not a virgin) does NOT mean she is now a sexually liberated woman. For example, if she comes from a conservative culture, was a virgin prior to marriage, and only ever had sex within wedlock, she may be approaching dating the same way she did when she was a young virgin. I have at least one friend who did this. Virgin when she married, had a couple of kids, divorced - and had ZERO sexual intimacy between separating from her first husband and marrying her second husband.

 

Whether a hug is considered sexually intimate is a matter of cultural, religious, and individual interpretation.

 

And all the cries of "but that's not normal in her country!" amount to exactly nothing. There are countless cultures and sub-cultures represented in any given country (some extremely conservative, even within otherwise liberal areas), and it's silly to expect any individual to conform to whichever one you've decided is "normal."

 

Bottom line, though, is that you seem bent on advancing the physical aspect of your relationship with this woman without actually talking to her about it and gaining an understanding of what her values are and under what circumstances she WOULD be comfortable with that. You have no idea whether it's because she was abused, or because she's very religious, or because she's afraid of "PDA," etc.

 

We can't answer that question, and neither can an in-depth study of the cultural demographics of her home country. Only SHE can answer that question for you.

 

Unenthusiastically was what I meant to write (minor detail). I don't think displaying affection is an issue since our parting ways have all been in the parking lot with no one around. You raise a good point about me expressing my values, beliefs etc., I have to a degree but perhaps not to her satisfaction. Obviously a male/female relationship involves physicality, however I'm not hellbent on it. As a few here have said, I've been patient for 4 dates and I've never had a situation like this. Hence, I'm here for help.Thanks for your reply.

[cre8r]

What do you mean she agreed , so you cancelled, what you cancelled because she agreed , don't get it.?

Anyway , if you really like her and see maybe long term, l'd persist. But try to talk more too casual l mean don't force it, lighten things up, touch more,has she got a sense of humor.

What she's about what your both about should all be coming out in natural convos anyway, sounds like your tip toe around stuff too much tbh.

But eh , if she wanted to come over to your place she must be into you, persist on if you like her that way, see how it goes.

Good luck

 

I meant to write unenthusiastic but still it may have been awkwardly written. She said yes to my invite but she was uncomfortable about it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I meant to write unenthusiastic but still it may have been awkwardly written. She said yes to my invite but she was uncomfortable about it.

 

Sounds like you two need better communication skills. Did she say why she was uncomfortable?

[ThorntonMelon]

Date someone you're excited about that's excited about you and you won't need to be questioning yourself. She's not the one.

[preraph]

Maybe she put socks in her bra and doesn't want you to hug her because you'd feel it. Or maybe she's hiding something down below.

[dramallama]

Or maybe she's hiding something down below.

 

 

"She"

[mark clemson]

If you have only seen this girl 4 times in two months, and you literally had to ask for consent for a frickin hug on the 4th date, her issues are very likely not worth putting up with. I wouldn't even wonder why she was so weird, I would just back slowly away.

 

 

I actually agree with Enigma on this. I wouldn't have hung around for 1 month of this nonsense. There are other fish in the sea.

[normal person]

All I needed to do was read the title of this thread to know it's not worth continuing on with her. If it's this hard and complicated, it's not right. Cut your losses and move on.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. You are clearly not compatible with respect to your expectations/comfort with physical intimacy.