Social etiquette

[Angel29]

I deleted my Tinder profile as I found it was full of men with tattoos, drinking and after one night stands. This seemed to be a trend in my city yet it was a shame as I would look on the app in other parts of the country whilst I was away and the men seemed a lot more eligible.

 

I am finding that particularly more on Bumble the men are quite selfish and will just talk about themselves and won't ask anything about you even though you asked about them. I just find online the people lack social skills. Even when I have gone on dates the men walk through the door first and won't hold the door open and I feel as though I am behaving like the 'gentleman' opening the door. Some men even refuse to buy me a drink which costs pennies, I know they should not have to pay but they don't even offer. It feels like Chivalry is dead.

 

My car broke down the weekend and I had a chance encounter with a vehicle breakdown recovery guy and he seemed very friendly, I didn't pursue as I didn't know if he was married. Plus he was probably being friendly as it is his job. Men like him are not on the dating sites and I don't know where I would meet such a person like him as he worked unsocial hours.

[schlumpy]

Angel you could try meet-up groups that can be found through internet search engines like Google. Find one that matches your interest and give it a whirl. Finding someone to have a relationship with is fraught with pitfalls and only experience will allow you avoid those traps. Hone your instincts because your gut feeling is all you really have to make good choices.

[d0nnivain]

I hate OLD. My advice to you is close down all apps.

 

Instead spend your time going places where you can meet people: singles events, mixers, MeetUps, speed dating, alumni events, industry events for your job (not your company, your industry) etc. Try niche singles groups. I had been interested in one where you play golf; I went to one where you could bring your dog.

[Ellener]

I think we live in a world where it can seem like manners and consideration are furthest from anyone's mind, that's why I seek out people who don't care what anyone else thinks, they keep their own standards and values and believe steadfastly in kindness and they provide inspiration and encouragement when life feels dull or cruel! The world is full of people like this quietly going about their happy way

 

I don't think OLD is for me either, I found the men responded to my writing by looking at my pictures, which I deliberately kept low key, then almost zero response to the messages. I think that's a filter, if someone doesn't have the wherewithall to say, thanks for your message, not interested, or is only looking for glamorous- which is not my lifestyle- best not to pursue.

 

Anyway, I emailed and talked with a couple of men, but only went on one date with a really nice man who drove to my part of town, insisted on buying lunch, and was a total gentleman and keen to meet again.

 

But it made me realise- I'm not up for this. I still have feelings for someone else. I don't feel comfortable letting someone develop feelings for me which I know in my heart of hearts are not going to be reciprocated. And if I'm going to have casual sex encounters it's not going to be by pretending to have a relationship.

 

So I spent a bit over $200 for one lovely date experience and a life lesson!

 

Going to keep busy while my feelings fade or become a relationship with my real-life friend. Meet up groups- I've cultivated a couple over the years where I meet fun people/do fun activities, they're not all like that but worth the effort seeking out activity companions.

 

Better get to work, also taken a side job for the holidays!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

[smackie9]

Who cares if you don't know if he's married or not. You had a chance to chat with him, and jokingly ask "so...is there a Mrs. Recovery guy?" That hun is how you meet men, and open up that opportunity. Try it sometime, you would be surprised at the positive results. That's how I did it in my dating days. And that's how I discovered how so many men lacked confidence ( agh!)....and still to this day from what I have seen on these boards lol. TBH I think it's way worse.

[basil67]

Have you considered that a lot of the people who are on OLD are there because they lack the social skills to get a partner?

 

I would recommend viewing OLD the same way as looking for a used car. If it’s still being advertised after a couple of months, then there’s something wrong with it. Asking too much, poor quality etc. in short, avoid anything which isn’t a new listing.

[Shining One]

Do you advertise yourself as traditional on OLD? If not, that's a good place to start.

[basil67]

I just find online the people lack social skills.

 

It's not just online. And it's not just men. People who can't hold up their end of a conversation are sadly not uncommon.

[max3732]

I deleted my Tinder profile as I found it was full of men with tattoos, drinking and after one night stands. This seemed to be a trend in my city yet it was a shame as I would look on the app in other parts of the country whilst I was away and the men seemed a lot more eligible.

 

I am finding that particularly more on Bumble the men are quite selfish and will just talk about themselves and won't ask anything about you even though you asked about them. I just find online the people lack social skills. Even when I have gone on dates the men walk through the door first and won't hold the door open and I feel as though I am behaving like the 'gentleman' opening the door. Some men even refuse to buy me a drink which costs pennies, I know they should not have to pay but they don't even offer. It feels like Chivalry is dead.

 

My car broke down the weekend and I had a chance encounter with a vehicle breakdown recovery guy and he seemed very friendly, I didn't pursue as I didn't know if he was married. Plus he was probably being friendly as it is his job. Men like him are not on the dating sites and I don't know where I would meet such a person like him as he worked unsocial hours.

 

Sorry about your experience with Tinder and Bumble! I'm the exact opposite of the guys you've described, but have also come across a lot of crazy women with tattoos, drugs and all kinds of issues. I always open the door, say please and thank you, pay for their meal, and try to learn as much about them as possible. After all I already know all about myself!

[snowboy91]

I am finding that particularly more on Bumble the men are quite selfish and will just talk about themselves and won't ask anything about you even though you asked about them. I just find online the people lack social skills. Even when I have gone on dates the men walk through the door first and won't hold the door open and I feel as though I am behaving like the 'gentleman' opening the door. Some men even refuse to buy me a drink which costs pennies, I know they should not have to pay but they don't even offer. It feels like Chivalry is dead.

 

When it comes to holding a door open guys are not sure if it will be welcomed by their date or it will be seen as some kind of insult to their sense of independence. Same goes with paying for a date. It really depends on who you're on a date with.

 

That being said, if anyone only talks about themselves during a date, they come across as selfish and disinterested, and it's impolite. That's universal.

 

I don't think "chivalry" is dead, but it's taken on a new form these days. It's less about paying for dates, holding doors open, buying flowers, etc. than it is about valuing time spent together, being open about expectations and being kind, respectful and interested in the other person.

[basil67]

I agree with you snowboy. I agree that chivalry isn't so much about paying for dates and holding doors. To me, it's about helping those who need help with zero expectation of a return for our actions.

 

I also think that real chivalry is gender neutral. It's standing for an old, pregnant, injured or disabled person on a bus. It's holding the door for someone who's hands are full. It's helping someone with a pram up the stairs. It's helping someone who's shopping bag has imploded and has lost their groceries on the ground. It's making sure the slow old person crossing the road doesn't get run over when the lights change. It's giving first aid to someone who's hurt.

 

Lastly, a guy who buys flowers, holds doors for his date and pays....but never does any of the above is NOT chivalrous. He's only doing this for the payback.

[salparadise]

When it comes to holding a door open guys are not sure if it will be welcomed...

 

I don't think "chivalry" is dead, but it's taken on a new form these days. It's less about paying for dates, holding doors open, buying flowers, etc. than it is about valuing time spent together, being open about expectations and being kind, respectful and interested in the other person.

 

I agree with you snowboy. [...] To me, it's about helping those who need help with zero expectation of a return for our actions.

 

I also think that real chivalry is gender neutral. It's standing...It's holdin... It's helping... It's making sure.... It's giving....

 

 

Yes. I appreciate women who get it and are able to articulate a new paradigm. I started to respond a couple of times, but I get irritated at superficiality and end up sounding angry, which doesn't advance understanding.

 

In one of those attempts I replied that it's the expectation that is the problem, not a failure on the part of men. They're being egalitarian, assuming that she can be both female and a fully functional person. They're assuming advanced consciousness, not a princess mentality. It's time for a picker recalibration.

 

Let's face it though, the word "chivalrous" is code for men who buy into the archaic princess/entitlement mentality, pomp, superficiality, woman as object/property and valued primarily for men's pleasure and reproductive potential –– the opposite of egalitarian or gender neutral. It's not coincidental that the word continues to be steeped in traditions of the middle ages.

 

It amazes me how many women still aspire to a place on the pedestal and don't understand what the symbolic opening of doors and otherwise being treated as helpless objects actually represents.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the men are quite selfish and will just talk about themselves... the men walk through the door first... refuse to buy me a drink which costs pennies, I know they should not have to pay but they don't even offer. It feels like Chivalry is dead.

Edited November 28, 2019 by salparadise

[basil67]

Yes Salsa, the men’s “fault” is assuming competence on the part of the woman.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My advice is also look for brand new profiles. My friends that found great guys - it was always a very recent profile (not more than few weeks old).

[Trail Blazer]

The quality of women is decidedly lacking at times, too. But there's a few diamonds in the rough. You just need to hang in there and not get too disillusioned when sifting through the crap!