Girlfriend lied about guy she used to mess with past. Should I break up with her?

[Jrez]

We been together 4 years. She moved to a new address 2 years ago. Today we went to her old building for a dinner they were having. We also went to see one of her female friends in the building while we were there.

 

It’s gonna be a lot to type but I’m try to summarize it. In the first two years of our relationship she had a friend who was a older man that she used to “borrow” money from her. She said at one point she owed him so much he said you owe me a 100 dollars. She said she paid him back. This was when she was with her ex. She said he was the main cause of her borrowing so much money from him

 

She did introduce to him when she was living in the building. He just gave me a hug. Gives me and her both a hug when he sees us. A real weirdo

 

Anyway fast forward to today we seen him the older dude and he hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. The way he grabbed her face bothered me. He never did that before. She was pushing him off her. I was pissed off almost said something to him about it. Before we left she told him I’m with my boyfriend and don’t touch me or do that again. He said “sorry but long time no see” he then gave me a hug and asked how I’m doing.

 

We left and we got into a argument about what he did. To make a long story short she said they did do something way before we met. She claims he only performed oral on her. She said they never did anything else. She said she didn’t tell me at first or when I asked in the beginning because me and her wasn’t that serious plus she was embarrassed because of how weird he looks.

 

He has a mental health problem and he looks like he’s in his 60’s maybe late 50’s. It now makes me wonder if something happened with him and her while we was together. She doesn’t live in that building anymore though. Her new address is nowhere near there. It still makes me wonder if anything happened with them in the first 2 years of our relationship

 

She claims it happened way before me and her met. She said she just wanted to be honest with me and that’s why she told me. She swears it didn’t happen when we were together.

 

Should I break up with her over this for waiting so long to tell me even though she says it happens before me. What should I do. We both 34

[basil67]

I can't figure out why you think they may have been sexual while you were together. Was she borrowing money from him during that period?

 

Edited to add: I just read your history. The problem here is that you don't trust her and seem to be looking for reasons to underscore your lack of trust. I think it would be best for her if you ended this relationship. But is it best for you? Would you repeat this behaviour with your next girlfriend?

Edited November 27, 2019 by basil67

[mark clemson]

I would assume she's telling the truth until evidence comes up to the contrary. She didn't have to say anything, so my guess is she's telling the truth.

 

Now, if you want to break up because she let a mentally ill old guy perform oral on her, well, that's your call I suppose.

[Jrez]

I can't figure out why you think they may have been sexual while you were together. Was she borrowing money from him during that period?

 

Edited to add: I just read your history. The problem here is that you don't trust her and seem to be looking for reasons to underscore your lack of trust. I think it would be best for her if you ended this relationship. But is it best for you? Would you repeat this behaviour with your next girlfriend?

 

Nah I love her. That’s why I post for advice. Yes she did borrow money from him in the first 2 years of our relationship while we was together when she was living at her old address. At the time I ain’t think nothing of it especially being that she introduced me to him. She’s just telling me now that he performed oral sex on her before we met. She said she was ashamed and embarrassed about it in general.

[d0nnivain]

You can be upset that she lied but I don't see this as a break up worthy offense. You will disagree.

 

In this whole story I am most concerned about your behavior not hers. In the face of the creepy behavior by this weird guy -- hugging you, grabbing her face etc. -- you chose not to address him but to pick a fight with her! She hasn't seen this dude in 2 years. How on earth is anything he did during the visit her fault? You need to put the blame where it belongs -- on him not her. Apologize to her for the fight.

 

Long before you met her, she had a casual whatever with some guy. When she first started up with you she didn't tell you because he was still generally around & she was borrowing money from him. Her choice to fool around with him -- while she was single & had every right to do that because she didn't even know you -- and her choice to further embroil herself with him financially are questionable but unless they speak to a larger pattern of continuing poor choices, why punish her now for mistakes she made 4 years ago? Isn't there a statute of limitations on what she did? You two don't live near this guy anymore & there has been zero interaction with him for 2 years! Her present behavior seems fine; judge her against that not against what she did before she met you. She's telling you she was ashamed & embarrassed by him. Don't you believe her? Doesn't that count for something?

[schlumpy]

Since he's hugging on you, get him alone and have a conversation with him. He may be forthcoming if you can put him at ease and it may ease your mind. Otherwise your suspicion is going to eat away at your relationship until only a little nubbin left.

[smackie9]

Whatever happened in a time when she didn't know you or was dating you is really none of your business.

 

Obviously she made a mistake with that guy and would rather just forget about it. Your GF dealt with his advances, and shut him down. What more could she have done? She didn't encourage it, it was out of her control...so you ragging on her about it was uncalled for. If I were in your shoes I would be sympathetic towards her situation and be concerned for her safety. Next time tho, if he does grab at her again, do step in and tell him to stop it firmly. This guy is a weirdo, and has mental health issues. Not really an excuse but obviously he lacks some control over his actions because of it.

 

 

TBH you were being passive agressive about this. You sat back and did nothing when this guy got grabby with your GF, then after gave her $%^& for it. Got to change your ways bru-tha

Edited November 27, 2019 by smackie9

[vla1120]

You shouldn't have gotten in a fight with her about it. She pushed him off and told him never to touch her again. She was forthcoming with you about there having been intimacy before she knew you. That must have been difficult for her, knowing your trust issues.

 

If you love her and want to stay in a relationship with you, let this one go.

[rjc149]

She claims he only performed oral on her. She said they never did anything else.

 

Highly doubtful. Women often lie by omission about this stuff when it's going to incriminate them. In her mind she's being truthful and forthcoming by telling you something sexual happened with him, but I would assume it was more than just him going down on her. Guys don't just eat girls out and that's it, session over. Whether you're going to concern yourself with the details is your call.

 

Your explanation is a little convoluted, a lot of undesignated "hims" that get confused. So she did stuff with the old mental guy *while with* her boyfriend at the time?

Edited November 27, 2019 by rjc149

[Silver_star]

I think you should break up with her, not because she did anything wrong in the scenario you just described but because you clearly do not trust her or respect her, and are looking for reasons to break up with her.

 

Every one of your posts are highly accusatory and showcase your insecurity in the relationship. You don't trust her, you are jealous and controlling, and i dont really think from what you describe she has given you a good reason not to trust her being faithful to you..so yea, break up with her and set her free. Everyone has a past. Maybe you will have some peace of mind being alone.

[kendahke]

Do you pick fights with her often?

[Jrez]

Where is the lie? Did she previously pretend nothing had happened between her and this old dude or something? If she previously denied any sexual contact with the guy, and then suddenly admitted to doing something, she is giving you some trickle truths and I would not trust her anymore

 

I would not have picked a fight with her because of how the old guy reacted. She pushed him away which was the right thing to do. However, the fact that she has known him for a long time and he thought that sort of thing was ok with her might be very telling.

 

Was she cheating on her ex with the old guy?

 

As someone else said, you could always ask the old guy. I bet he would be happy to incriminate your GF so that he could get you out of the picture. I would ask for evidence though, not his word.

 

Yea she had me thinking this old dude was just a friend. She never told me about him going down on her until this situation I mentioned. That’s why I’m upset about it. The only way I could get in touch with that old dude is if I went and visit her old building

 

Her ex was a older guy in his fifty’s his self. When he didn’t have money he would send her to get it from the mentally ill old dude. She borrowed so much money from the mental ill old dude during that time when she was with her ex that the mental ill old dude told he owes her a 100 dollars. She paid it back to him she said. This all took place before we met.

 

She admitted she did let the mentally ill old dude go down on her while she was with her ex. She said but her relationship with her ex was nothing like the relationship me and her having. She said she loves me as a person and that it feels good to be with a person that’s her age. Her ex was 50 and she said the only thing she liked about him was the money.

 

She did tell me from the beginning that she had a bad past and that I’m her first relationship besides the ex I mentioned. So do you think I should visit this mental old dude in her old building? I don’t even know what apartment he lives in in that building

[Jrez]

Whatever happened in a time when she didn't know you or was dating you is really none of your business.

 

Obviously she made a mistake with that guy and would rather just forget about it. Your GF dealt with his advances, and shut him down. What more could she have done? She didn't encourage it, it was out of her control...so you ragging on her about it was uncalled for. If I were in your shoes I would be sympathetic towards her situation and be concerned for her safety. Next time tho, if he does grab at her again, do step in and tell him to stop it firmly. This guy is a weirdo, and has mental health issues. Not really an excuse but obviously he lacks some control over his actions because of it.

 

 

TBH you were being passive agressive about this. You sat back and did nothing when this guy got grabby with your GF, then after gave her $%^& for it. Got to change your ways bru-tha

 

Trust me I regret not stepping in. If I had known this beforehand about him going down on her I would’ve definitely stepped in. I should’ve stepped in in general. That part is eating me. Now I’m debating if we should go to the next dinner at her old building which is Christmas. I almost want to go now just to be ignorant, just wait for him to try it again so I could step to him about it. Do you think we should go to the next dinner at her old building? She kinda don’t want to go but she said it’s up to me. She still has a girlfriend in her old building but said she doesn’t have to go there. Pretty much left the ball in my court

[basil67]

What's this about you wanting to "step in"? I didn't catch anything about her needing your protection. Honestly, if you go interfering when she's got things perfectly in hand, you'll just look foolish.

[TheFinalWord]

I'd be more worried about her borrowing all this money, admitting to using men for money, admitting to cheating, having a history of abusive relationships, having a rough past...than some mentally disabled guy.

 

People always say "what happened before you doesn't matter! None of your business!"...I beg to differ. The best predictor of current and future behavior, is past behavior. The past matters because it shows you how the person makes decisions as well as their personal morals and ethics.

 

The thing is beating someone up or starting stuff isn't going to change her poor decisions. She freely let him do sexual stuff with her, so it's as much her fault as his. This was both of their decision. If money was involved, I wouldn't be surprised if prostitution was somewhere in the equation. I don't know enough from this, but I do know she isn't innocent here. So if you get mad at him, you have to get mad at her too.

 

I wouldn't necessarily dump her over this, but I would have my guard up and my eyes open. Don't be naive and fall head over heels too quickly. Take your time getting to know her. Sounds like she's done shady things in the past. You don't know what other skeletons are in the closet. The thing is, they always come out eventually.

 

The mistake we men often make is absolving her of any fault, and falling for them too quickly before getting to know them. One of the reasons you're upset is because things like this show you that you don't really know her. You didn't know she was capable of this, and now you do. Take it as a wake up call and slow down falling in love with her.

Edited November 28, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Melrose78]

Should I break up with her over this for waiting so long to tell me even though she says it ha

ppens before me. What should I do. We both 34

 

Are you seriously kidding me? You sound very insecure and immature. What happened before you is none of your business. Period. You sound like you feel like you own her.