Broke up because I thought we were incompatible but still dwelling on it for a month.

[unlisted]

Our first date was amazing. We both had so much fun and I felt we were compatible in terms of education, personality, sense of humor, etc. But after that, things seemed to go downhill. I think he got caught up in the moment and he had mentioned marriage on the first date, by the second date he told me he wanted to focus on only me but said he wasn't asking me to be his gf, and wanted me to meet his parents by the 5th or 6th date. I wasn't ready on the second date but I liked him a lot and didn't want to lose him and decided I would commit myself and try to make it work. But I started feeling disappointed because when he told me he pretty much wanted to be exclusive, it made me expect him to do boyfriend things like take me out and do stuff, but he wanted to go with the flow like we were casual in every aspect except for dating other people. So it felt disappointing to go from amazing first date to stay at home couple in our pajamas all the time by the second week. It made me feel like something was missing.

 

We had only been together for a month when I realized that almost every time I spoke to him, voices in my head told me I wasn't going to be happy with him and I need to break up with him. I tried to flip my perspective and said I choose to be with him but I also felt like it shouldn't be this hard.

 

It felt like when I voiced my dissatisfaction to him, he turned it back on to me. When I said I felt like we didn't do enough on dates, he told me to put in the effort. But when I tried to plan for things, he didn't want to do them and still said I didn't put in enough effort. And he would project his past on to me and said he didn't want to pay for everything and get taken advantaged of even though we just split the check.. so it confused me.. I also felt bad because he talked about his ex-girlfriends, people he dated, and his friends almost all the time and I felt alienated because I don't know these people and don't want to hear about his exes. I told him that and he stated saying "my friend... etc" but I could tell it was a girl he used to date. And when we were driving at midnight, an unknown call came up on his car. I asked him who that was and he said he didn't know but it made me feel suspicious.

 

He also liked to use me to crack jokes but when I told him it was making me upset, he rolled his eyes and said he was just joking. I told him it wasn't funny and he said I'm no fun, and that made me really upset so I broke it off even though I wanted it to work out and never meant to break up but subconsciously, I knew I had to do it.

 

I actually went back to him and told him I wanted to get back but he said he'd think about it and it's been a month. He told me I took him for granted because we would go out for dinner and come back but it still felt too casual. It's not that I want what I can't have because I never meant to break up with him. I didn't do it only to get back together. I did it because he was stressing me out. And I hate that he told me he'd think about it instead of flat out saying no because I still keep thinking there's hope.

 

Thinking back, I don't think either of us were that happy because both of us unintentionally said things to the other person that made them feel bad. Since the break up, I've been going to therapy to work on my communication skills and try and understand this situation but all my therapist tells me to do is to meditate and be mindful. My friend told me he's a jerk and it sounds like I had been gaslighted into thinking all of this is my fault when it's not.. I want to understand why I keep dwelling on this when we've only been together a month and neither of us seemed to think the best of the other person. Why do I feel so emotional and heartbroken everyday? Is it because of the high expectations early on? Is it because he told me he'd think about it so I still keep thinking there's a chance it might work out? I know I have co-dependency and attachment issues so that could be part of it but how can I move past this? Part of me wants to call him again to get back and another part of me wants to call him and tell him he's a terrible person for making me think all of it was my fault and for not just telling me no, he doesn't want to get back. But the logical part of me tells me to leave it and move on even though it's hard. It keeps clawing at me and taking up too much of my attention and I keep thinking about it every single day wondering how to make this work and it's exhausting even with him not around...

 

I'm thinking of going to a weekend meditation retreat to try to get this out of my system. I've been talking to some new guys but I don't feel too interested in dating again right now but it's nice to talk to new people. I still want to understand why I'm struggling with this so much when it seems like I shouldn't... I'd appreciate any insight. Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

Let go already. You didn't do anything wrong but neither did he. You just have incompatible styles. There was nothing you could have done to make this work because for it to work for you, he had to change & be a different kind of BF. How he approaches dating was never within your control. Calling him up & trying again won't get you what you want. Calling him up & telling him you think he's a jerk also won't accomplish anything.

 

I do think you will benefit from figure out why you are still ruminating about this. I'm not sure how meditation will accomplish this goal but if you think it will help, go for it.

 

When you do start to date again, be a tad more skeptical. The only thing you should decide on/after a 1st date is if you want a 2nd date. Any mention of marriage by the other person should be taken with a huge grain of salt & viewed as at least a yellow caution flag. Manage your initial expectations better & you are less likely to face this level of disappointment.

 

Best wishes.

[preraph]

Yeah, he's not for you. He was looking for a quick and convenient girlfriend, no muss, no fuss, no time to even get to know each other. It's a red flag that he was already acting serious by the second date. He doesn't know you! Please realize that though you may have viewed it as romantic or "meant to be" or something, all it really is is bad judgment. Realize that IF he was falling for anyone, it was the "ideal woman" in his head -- and guess what, his ideal woman just wants to sit around and be available for him -- boring and selfish!

 

You need to run from this guy. He's not mature. He's not right in the head.

[unlisted]

Yeah, he's not for you. He was looking for a quick and convenient girlfriend, no muss, no fuss, no time to even get to know each other. It's a red flag that he was already acting serious by the second date. He doesn't know you! Please realize that though you may have viewed it as romantic or "meant to be" or something, all it really is is bad judgment. Realize that IF he was falling for anyone, it was the "ideal woman" in his head -- and guess what, his ideal woman just wants to sit around and be available for him -- boring and selfish!

 

You need to run from this guy. He's not mature. He's not right in the head.

 

Thank you for pointing that out. That thought did cross my mind but I was so caught up with wanting it to work that it didn't materialize in my head.

 

I hadn't had anybody tell me that early on they wanted to be exclusive and I used to think that I would never do that but I guess I fell for it. He would text me all the time about how much he liked me and how I was his cutie and everything and maybe that brainwashed me because at one point, I told him I didn't feel his words matched his actions. He was pretty cheap too.. I was cooking dinner for him and he was going to come over and I work from home so I told him I wanted to go out after dinner but he said he didn't want to spend money... I think he wanted me to offer to pay.. I usually pay for myself so I wasn't even expecting him to pay for everything but he probably didn't know that.. and he told me when girls in the past take him out and pay for everything, he liked it and felt special... now I realize how he was trying to manipulate me as I typed that!

 

I do have bad judgment sadly. Something I've struggled with. Even before this guy I told myself I don't trust myself to find a partner because every partner in the past hasn't been that great and the one guy I met who I always had a good with and never asked anything from me, I walked out on him twice... most of the guys I've dated just wanted an easy girlfriend.. I'm laidback and go with the flow for the most part.. maybe that's why they think they can treat me like that. How do I improve my judgment of people? I tend to pick terrible friends too...

Edited November 26, 2019 by unlisted

[healing light]

Let's break these red flags down:

 

-mentioned marriage to you on one of the first dates

-wanted you to pay for everything/cheap

-not satisfied with any of your plans, accuses you of not planning because you didn't mind read what he wanted

-made jokes at your expense, then when you were upset, he said you were no fun (gaslighting)

-when you express your dissatisfaction, he turns it back on you

-friend accuses him of gaslighting

-brings up past exes extensively

-has made you "wait" a month

-gut told you to break things off

 

 

Whew, that wasn't even everything and this is supposed to be the honeymoon period? You deserve better. End of story. This sounds like it could quickly disintegrate into a toxic relationship where you're afraid to express yourself and any attempts of you doing so lead to him DARVOing you, all while conditioning you to lower your expectations and hand your money over like a pizza.

[unlisted]

Let's break these red flags down:

 

-mentioned marriage to you on one of the first dates

-wanted you to pay for everything/cheap

-not satisfied with any of your plans, accuses you of not planning because you didn't mind read what he wanted

-made jokes at your expense, then when you were upset, he said you were no fun (gaslighting)

-when you express your dissatisfaction, he turns it back on you

-friend accuses him of gaslighting

-brings up past exes extensively

-has made you "wait" a month

-gut told you to break things off

 

 

Whew, that wasn't even everything and this is supposed to be the honeymoon period? You deserve better. End of story. This sounds like it could quickly disintegrate into a toxic relationship where you're afraid to express yourself and any attempts of you doing so lead to him DARVOing you, all while conditioning you to lower your expectations and hand your money over like a pizza.

 

I had to look up "DARVOing" but yeah, that sounds pretty accurate. I've had someone try to gaslight me before and I wouldn't let them but it seems like this guy is pretty good at it. He got me and it took me this long to realize it, and other people had to point it out for me. He even got me to say things like "I think I've been selfish" but I'm having trouble thinking of examples. I said that after I asked him if he thinks we're compatible and he says he never thought like that, he just thought of ways he could support me.. so I said that statement because I never thought how could I support him.. I was just trying to know more about him.. and that reminds me.. early on, I tried to ask him questions about himself to learn more about him but he would always answer it with a joke so I stopped asking him questions about himself, hence why I felt it was difficult to connect with him. When I told him that later on, that I don't really feel like I know him because he's always talking about other people, he said, "well you should ask questions about me." I completely forgot that I did try... I know it's not like me to not ask questions to the person I'm dating about them.

 

This is crazy that the more I think about this, the more red flags that keep coming up. Also, when I asked him to stop making jokes at my expense, he said he only does it because he likes me. Even at that moment, I thought that's something an abuser would say but it was difficult for me to think that of him.

 

This has been pretty helpful. That's why I needed other people to weigh in on this since I was so closely attached to it. I think it is a good idea to run from this guy. Any more interactions with him and he could get me to think I'm crazy or admit to something I didn't do, like killing somebody. This person seems pretty dangerous.