Missy0808 Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 This is a terrible situation and I don't know what to do. I was having an affair for about 8 months and things were going well. Then, without warning, someone called the wife at work and told her about her H's affair! My MM now thinks I did it (which I did not) and is freaking out. I think he wanted to get caught because he was extremely unhappy at home. Do I defend myself? Give him a call? I didn't do it and want to explain but should I give him time? This is really bugging me that he thinks I did it...please help! Any advice would be great.
Shana Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 I think he is married has a wife and a life.. I think you need to just forget it and move on. Anyone who cheats has such a raw insecurity within theirselves.. It saddens me.
legrtova Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you should read other posts...they follow the same pattern. They want the W to find out so they can have decision made for them. If she kicked him out, he will run to you (but will try to get back with her while with you), if she takes him back, you are out of the picture. He will try to see you even then. He will want it back the way it was. He will want back the best of both worlds, and he will be stringing you along.... Please, leave him. Talk to him, say you didn't do it, say good-bye. Don't listen to sweet words he will be saying to you. Be strong and determined, show him you deserve respect, you deserve a FULL man. Your mind will be cloudy for a while, your heart won't want to let go, but believe me, you MUST let him be. He doesn't deserve you. Join our NC forums, we will help each other through this. I am in a very similiar situation; the best thing I have done so far is to tell him I will NEVER see him again. It hurts, it hurts bad, but it gets better. I am so sorry to break the news to you. Try to protect your self from getting hurt more by leaving it now...there are people who have been trapped in the same cycle for years! They NEVER leave their wives...and if they do, it won't be a happy ending... L.
lynnered Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 This is a terrible situation and I don't know what to do. I was having an affair for about 8 months and things were going well. Then, without warning, someone called the wife at work and told her about her H's affair! My MM now thinks I did it (which I did not) and is freaking out. I think he wanted to get caught because he was extremely unhappy at home. Do I defend myself? Give him a call? I didn't do it and want to explain but should I give him time? This is really bugging me that he thinks I did it...please help! Any advice would be great. how do U know someone called W? And he thinks its U ? where are U getting Ur information? Do U & MM work together? If i heard i would call & say such &such said &state my case . Are U still having A?
wahaha1 Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 They NEVER leave their wives...and if they do, it won't be a happy ending... L. I just want to share here. I know this from a good friend of mine, his mother was the OW, who has gone through all these things but eventually managed to make the MM to leave his W with 4 kids and married my friend's mother. My friend is now 34, he and his mom can still hang around with my friend's half-bros /sis all the time. So, I think it really depends on how good you can cope with this scenario.
JayKay Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Unfortunately, the OW often becomes the 'fall guy' in these MM/OW situations. Affair comes to a conclusion (MM decides to return to marriage full time and 'work on things') and either confesses or trips up and gets 'caught' OW is usually blamed by WIFE AND MM for the affair!!!! It's easier for the wife to blame the OW for the brunt of it (she's a slut...she got him at a vulnerable time....etc) than to confront the reality of her husband's immaturity. It's easier for the husband to blame the OW (she chased me....she's a manipulator...etc) for the affair as well as the breakup (she told the wrong person...she told my wife) rather than confront his own behavior. I don't think you owe him explanations or apologies. It sounds like he set this up on his own and is CHOOSING to blame you, rather than look at the truth.
newbby Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 great post jay kay, i completely agree. it is precisely the scenario i have had nightmares about. it is the main reason i want out. i just know that if it ever got discovered i would be the bad guy, expect it from wife, even if its not true, but from him it would hurt like hell cos he is the one that really knows the truth of it.
newbby Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 missy, feel for you completely. i think just leave him alone. if it turns out he blames you, then he needs to sort that out, because it is a misjudgement of your character and it is completely unfair.
lynnered Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Yes i agree with the leave him alone ! Just wanted more info! And missy 8 months is to long ,dont waste anymore time.
Missy0808 Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Lynnerd: I know someone called the wife because HE told me. Then HE asked me if it was ME. He has some damn nerve! After I stuck by him for 9 months. I thought we truly cared for each other. Of course I denied it, but I was so stunned by the question, I was speechless. No, we don't work together at all. And no, we're not seeing each other right now because of what happened so we're not having an affair right now. We did see each other a couple days before this happened. JayKay: You hit the nail on the head! That is probably exactly how the W and my MM think. Which really stinks because it wasn't all me with this affair...it takes two. Which brings me to what I'm going to do. The easy way is to say nothing and go away. Well, I'm going to say what I believe and defend myself and if that's it, that's it. And I'm also going to say that if he thinks I can possibly do this after him knowing me for 8 months, then he really didn't know me too well. He's acting like I'M THE BAD GUY HERE. And you want to know what the sad thing is? I never once badmouthed his wife, not once. I had nothing against that lady at all. Does any of this ever work out to the OW's favor??? I know MM usually go back to their wives, but I doubt he will.
BadBadGirl Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 I think he is married has a wife and a life.. I think you need to just forget it and move on. Anyone who cheats has such a raw insecurity within theirselves.. It saddens me. while the first two statements may be valid, the third is not. not everyone who cheats has insecurity issues whatsoever. just because you do something wrong doesn't mean you have a problem with how you view yourself. some people just screw up; it sucks for the person whose feelings get hurt, but it doesn't automatically mean that the cheater is self-loathing. sure, some cheaters may cheat because they need an ego-boost, but others really are unhappy with their relationships; they just don't choose the best way to deal with it. we don't all make the best decisions about everything. i think a lot of times these blanket statements are made about cheaters because it makes the other person feel better. but just because you got cheated on doesn't mean that anything you might have done to contribute to the problem "not count". cheating is bad, it sucks, yeah i know. but cheaters are people too, with feelings and emotions and opinions and ways of dealing. might not be the best way to deal, but who is perfect? people lie to each other, they steal, they do all kinds of things--people are selfish for all kinds of reasons. unless you're perfect and do everything perfectly, it's not fair to think this way just because sex is involved.
toughspot Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 "not everyone who cheats has insecurity issues whatsoever." just because you do something wrong doesn't mean you have a problem with how you view yourself. some people just screw up; it sucks for the person whose feelings get hurt, but it doesn't automatically mean that the cheater is self-loathing. I definitily think people are quick to judge "cheaters" and make blanket statements as if they have pristene self-worth and self-esteem. LETS BE HONEST. All people, have some moments at the very least, of low self-esteem and do a variety of things to cope with those feelings. Most people will go to a bar, dress provactively, hit on more people than usual, settle for a guy/girl they really know isn't right for them, call an Ex-, ... all of these things could be labeled, "wrong". People that are quick to cast the first stone, are probably not being honest with themselves and their own human "errors", or have been burned before. Obviously cheating is wrong, but also teasing or leading someone on that you are just "using" in the moment to boost self esteem is "bad" or calling an Ex, and interfering with their lives, is wrong. Again, Cheating is wrong too. I guess its considered more wrong, because of the 3rd innocent party involved. but unforuntatly its human nature to act in these ways. People should just strive to do their best and when they make amistake learn from it. I think if we were more supportive rather than judgemental more people would make better decisions. It comes down to making good decisions, for yourself and other people your decisions effect. As we all know, a lot of the times, an easy fix or easy solution, isn't the best. We just have to take one decision at a time and do our best. sure, some cheaters may cheat because they need an ego-boost, but others really are unhappy with their relationships; they just don't choose the best way to deal with it. we don't all make the best decisions about everything. i think a lot of times these blanket statements are made about cheaters because it makes the other person feel better. but just because you got cheated on doesn't mean that anything you might have done to contribute to the problem "not count". cheating is bad, it sucks, yeah i know. but cheaters are people too, with feelings and emotions and opinions and ways of dealing. might not be the best way to deal, but who is perfect? people lie to each other, they steal, they do all kinds of things--people are selfish for all kinds of reasons. unless you're perfect and do everything perfectly, it's not fair to think this way just because sex is involved.
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