my problem or his?!

[thecracker]

4 weeks ago I got a friend request from a mutual friend of my many friends Id seen occasionally play in a band around the city(we are of the same circle as we're both lead singers). Long story short, I lived in the south for the past year up until October due to financial struggles (Im now in the north a good 5 hours away) and, literally the first week I moved back I got a message from him saying "hey, Ive seen you play! youre great - heard you moved home..shame you didnt stay in the city - you seemed cool" ... at first I thought it a little impulsive but he was gorgeous and we suddenly started chatting on messenger everyday. The entire thing became habitual and we would both talk for hours about how we both compose music and it became so real..we video chatted and called everyday but I was unable to see him due to his schedule and mine and actually wanted the time to get to know him before actually meeting him...I told myself not to entertain anything UNTIL we met face to face but we unfortunately fell into a dangerous game of addictive messaging, calling eachother "gorgeous/beautiful etc" and even calling eachother by "mine". I finally got some time off to go to the South last thursday until today and, to my surprise AND delight..he was exactly how I imagined him. But...he greeted me at the station as if we'd been together a good 5 months, clutching me, holding me, telling me "Its SO good to see you my beautiful girl..i cant believe youre here!" . I shook off any overthinking feelings I had (Im very cynical in any relationship) but still found it weird how it was the first physical meeting we'd had. We went to a cafe and he proceeded to tell me how good it was to see me in real and how much he felt for me and we had a good laugh and promising long conversations. But 2 hours later we kissed and he looked me hard into my eyes and said "I...I.....I just need to say this. I.. I love you". He apologised immediately but said it around a half hour after and a couple more times despite me not returning the statement (TOO SOON..WAAAY TOO SOON!).

We continued to have a lovely evening chatting, laughing etc and soberly but shamefully followed him to his hotel room and..in my irritatingly frigid way told him I really liked him but that I didnt have sex until I knew I could trust someone. He was very sweet, telling me he didnt expect it and that he would wait as long as I needed and we did a ton of "stuff" but not "it". We slept together intimately and very very nicely as if we were a couple.

He had work at 5:30am the next day and told me to help myself to anything in the hotel and told me to let him know if I wanted to see him later on in the night. But things got a tad weird here..I went to see some friends throughout the day and he was very nice, just letting me know what he was up to but I had to visit a friends birthday party that night and so he said he was "going out with the lads" whilst we were apart. I didnt drink due to anxiety over the entire situation as I noticed that he became very quiet with me on messages but figured "hey were in the same city..and probably gonna spend these 3 days together so meh, its all good!" . I stayed at my friends house that night as it was a late one and was slightly alarmed at how I hadnt heard from him in 8 hours. Nothing. No "be safe. See you tomorrow?" Nothing. I finally left my friends house mid morning on Saturday and went back to his hotel to find him hungover and unapologetic but very casual. I told him i found it weird how it had been a good 12 hours since we spoke despite the intensity the previous night and he told me it just didnt occur to him. I shrugged it off and we had a lovely afternoon together and then I had a show in town so he took me for dinner then joined me at the gig. Around 5 or 6 of my friends were there, mostly guys and he wouldnt keep his lips and hands off me..I didnt mind as I was feeling affectionate towards him too but he was continuously telling me how much he loved me and how he loved me being his "girl". At this point..all my worries were eradicated..I felt very safe in his presence and forgot about the previous day. We went out with my friends and he hit it off with a few of them which made the night even better. We went home, once again did stuff but I still couldnt bring myself to have sex.

The next morning was...painfully different. We slept together in the bed once again, romantic, intimately but out of nowhere he seemed slightly detached somehow and miserable and began ranting on about politics and how much he hated certain peoples views. I listened, briefly commenting but assuming he was just hungry and perhaps tired so suggested we go for food and a nice walk in the park which he agreed to. It was shocking..he started talking about how good he was as a writer and how many fans he had..and stories about how he was better than his bandmates..It was a one sided conversation and I told him ONE story about how one of my songs got on radio last year to which he said "oh cool, haha yeh Ive had lots to be honest". We went for a last drink and he once again became very bitter towards conversations he kept rolling into and I told him hours later I could stay with him one more night but that Id told my friend Id stay at hers for dinner before I left in the morning. We got back..once again did "stuff" and I realised it had been 24 hours since "I love you".

 

I am sat here inbetween the realms of relief and confusion after 4 days of utter bittersweet feelings. We said goodbye last night and Ive not heard one single thing since being back home. I didnt have sex with him despite the VERY intense foreplay we did and am feeling as though this was 80% of the issue. Id like to think perhaps I wasnt all that he expected but he was VERY VERY happy when we were spending time together and continuously kept referring to me as "his".

Was this my issue? or was it his?

[MsJayne]

My guess is he probably felt that you were leading him on and it wore thin very quickly. Doing "stuff" and then refusing full sex is teasing. If you're not going to have sex with someone, don't do the lead up stuff and then retreat and act all coy and pure. He started off being extremely open and affectionate, made it abundantly clear that he's into you and not just trying to get easy sex, and when he got no emotion in return he picked up on it quickly and acted accordingly. It sounds like you want him to chase you and he's done as much chasing as he's going to. He's bored now.

[preraph]

The main thing I get out of that story is that you saw a whole side of him you hadn't seen before, one which wasn't all that great with him being a ranter. Now, I used to kind of be the community band counselor many decades ago, so it's not unusual for band guys to start spewing about their band politics and how important they are and how they're being diminished by someone else in the band (this is usually between the lead singer and the lead guitarist, by the way). I was always the sounding board and honestly, none of it was unresolvable, but boy, the egos....and your guy certainly has one.

 

I think it's on both of you how it got awkward because you both went too deep before meeting each other. I'm sure being in a band, he's not used to waiting to have sex. So whether he found that endearing or annoying, probably annoying, given that he went all in acting like it was given you two were a couple. But hey, just 24 hours later you're finding out a side to his personality that doesn't fit with the online guy you thought you might be falling in love with, so you did the right thing.

 

Instead of him being carried away, he should have shown some restraint and been realistic and basically reset the meter to "This is the first time we've met." And gone at a pace more suitable to that.

 

Also, Who know if him now being a little unreliable or distant is him being miffed you didn't jump right in bed with him or if it's just him. I mean, he IS a musician. Sorry and don't mean to offend you, but reliability is not the hallmark of being a musician. Staying out late and not thinking about that it might be worrying anyone else IS.

 

So it's too early for you to decide about this guy. What you are seeing now is the everyday him in all likelihood. So keep seeing him and see if it works out or doesn't. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have yet to meet a mature, rational and sincere adult who was saying "I love you" on the first date.

 

I don't care how long two people have been communicating over messaging or the phone - you don't truly the know person without having spent much more time together in person. I have learnt that declarations of love that early on are nearly always a significant red flag. The same goes for claiming that you are "his." It was very premature fantasizing.

 

Yes, he's probably frustrated and disappointed that you two didn't have sex, but I really don't think that is the only issue that would have prevented this from developing.

[TheFinalWord]

This is just a case of him being horny and hot for you. You were smart not to have sex. You're one of the few in this forum that I've seen be so strong in that regard. Most of your interaction and time together was fooling around. But he didn't really show you anything that indicated he loved you. Didn't communicate, disappeared, dismissed your opinions. This is all sexual. If you have sex with him, that will be the last time you hear from him. Guarantee he thought you would, that's why he was saying "I love you" and you came all that way. He was probably frustrated that after days with you he couldn't get any. Good for you for sticking to your standards!

Edited November 26, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Legatus]

I agree with @TheFinalWord. Great for you for sticking to your guts! I think if you hadn't gone to his hotel at all you would have got some more clarity earlier but in that sense you did tease him a bit. I don't necessarily think it's cruel. Anybody can change their minds.

 

The acting as a boyfriend and telling you "I love you". To me it means somebody is either crazy and I should run or they play a game. Either way not very positive.

 

The problem is that it's very easy to progress through messaging. Use this adjective, or this noun, to describe the other person, wait for response, and in our minds we think we progress to another level. To me, the moment you see somebody face to face, everything resets to where it was last time I saw them.

 

Even if I talk to somebody for months and then I see them for the first time, no matter how affectionate we were, I would behave only slightly more familiar than a stranger. One simple example - a hug or kiss in the cheek as a greeting, as opposed to handshake etc...

 

His ego probably couldn't handle the teasing but @preraph built on a very important point. There are sides to people you can't get from messaging. He ignored you, didn't let you know where he was, but claimed he loved you. The sheer contradiction of statements vs actions should make you wary and very cautious..

[thecracker]

Reading all the responses has made me feel 10x better so thanks guys. I thought NOT giving him sex would cause disruption on here as I did definitely tease him... I'll read back the responses and decide how or what to feel as yesterday felt very emotional. As soon as I posted on here I went to bed and remembered all the seemingly 'magical' times we had and also found some videos I took of us which didn't help as we were having a lovely time and I wept as I realised I did care for him.. . HOWEVER. around one minute after, he messaged me saying "hey.. Listen sorry ive been out of touch.. Phone died but I wanted to say it was lovely seeing you.. I'll catch you tomorrow". I restrained myself from replying but ended up telling him I was confused, sad and dazed but that it was nice to meet him and that I hoped he was OK...

 

Decided that infatuation is quite easily mistaken for love but also that someone can be the BEST person but still have some really bad traits. Thankfully I have around 400 songs to write now haha but really appreciate the advice and support - he is 29 and I'm 26 and neither of us should waste our time on a tentative relationship

[Legatus]

I'm expecting an awesome Loveshack mixtape made from some of those 400 songs!

 

You're totally right. Nobody is perfect and you shouldn't dismiss him just because few personality flaws but, something you already know, proceeding with caution is the best bet.

 

I don't get why guys get so offended with teasing. It's not like we can't do it in return

[GeorgiaPeach1]

To me, his plan was to get you to lower your guard and standards by lovebombing you. It only worked partially, since you didn't go all the way. He sounds like a player.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me he's one of those hot/cold people, where they leap into the deep end emotionally, then quickly shut it down due to insecure feelings of doubt.

 

It's more so him than you. This type of personality is noted by psychiatrists as cringe worthy and you should be running the other way.

[Mr. Lucky]

Im very cynical in any relationship

 

I think there were a ton of mixed messages on both sides.

 

Despite describing yourself as cynical, you engage him in an intense online relationship, go to visit him, stay in his hotel room and indulge in foreplay but not sex.

 

I'd guess you're both confused, were I him would be difficult to gauge your intentions. Some extended physical time together is probably the only way to see if the relationship has legs, if that's not an option best to move on ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zinging]

I don't get why guys get so offended with teasing. It's not like we can't do it in return

 

That's a light-hearted playful attitude you have... while it's admirable, I can sort-of see why teasing a man all the way to the end, and then leaving him hanging - twice - might leave him nursing a frayed ego too.

 

Wouldn't it be quite similar to a guy making promises of romance to a woman, who gets all prepped and ready for it, and then leaving her hanging (for e.g. an almost dinner, an almost hug, an almost drive etc etc that didn't materialize) at the nth moment because he wasn't feeling it. Of course, a sportive lady would know how to handle such a situation, but most would be left feeling a little miffed.

 

Of course, everyone must respect the 'no means no' boundary. But I guess, one can't expect the guy to not feel like he was being played either.

[thecracker]

That's a light-hearted playful attitude you have... while it's admirable, I can sort-of see why teasing a man all the way to the end, and then leaving him hanging - twice - might leave him nursing a frayed ego too.

 

Wouldn't it be quite similar to a guy making promises of romance to a woman, who gets all prepped and ready for it, and then leaving her hanging (for e.g. an almost dinner, an almost hug, an almost drive etc etc that didn't materialize) at the nth moment because he wasn't feeling it. Of course, a sportive lady would know how to handle such a situation, but most would be left feeling a little miffed.

 

Of course, everyone must respect the 'no means no' boundary. But I guess, one can't expect the guy to not feel like he was being played either.

 

 

I agree; I also felt cold towards him throughout the entire weekend due to not spending it entirely with him but in my defense I was originally there for a few gigs with my band and also to catch up with friends I hadnt seen since September. He was also very sweet about this and kept assuring me he didnt mind.

 

However

 

This morning our conversation went as follows (his is the first response to my "Im confused about how I feel and dont know what you want thus me not even talking to you" message last night)

 

Him- "OK. It sounds like you've made up your mind and I respect that. Cant say Im not surprised but with the distance I guess its gonna be better. I have a long day in work so better fixate on that."

Me - "I still feel for you..and want to know what youre feeling. Part of this issue is that we've not even been talking for days on end after seeing eachother"

Him - "I dont think its a good idea to talk about it.."

Me - "How do YOU feel?"

Him - "No point in rumaging and dwelling on it. Just makes it harder"

Me - "I will miss you, you know..I couldnt stop crying last night"

Him - "Youll get over it"

 

I guess the strongest part of our semi-relationship was the misunderstandings. I hope he does well in whatever he does but still can't stop replaying all the good times we had over the past 5 days

[thecracker]

Sounds to me he's one of those hot/cold people, where they leap into the deep end emotionally, then quickly shut it down due to insecure feelings of doubt.

 

It's more so him than you. This type of personality is noted by psychiatrists as cringe worthy and you should be running the other way.

 

The more I think about the good things VS the bad, this very point stands out to me - as SOON as we spent the night in the hotel WITHOUT having sex, he became intermittent and silent which made things very anxiety inducing for me as I was technically in a hotel room on my own which belonged to a stranger not knowing if he was gonna go sleep with someone else. It felt very very odd checking my phone after that intense first date not to see "Hey, beautiful!" or "My gorgeous gorgeous girl" but instead "Oh hey - yeah sorry haha I'll catch you tomorrow. Just in work".. he dropped the pet names on messages the entire time I was there and all the pet names dried up by our last day but I suppose its cos I wasnt fully engaged in the names either..

[Legatus]

Him- "OK. It sounds like you've made up your mind and I respect that. Cant say Im not surprised but with the distance I guess its gonna be better. I have a long day in work so better fixate on that."

Me - "I still feel for you..and want to know what youre feeling. Part of this issue is that we've not even been talking for days on end after seeing eachother"

Him - "I dont think its a good idea to talk about it.."

Me - "How do YOU feel?"

Him - "No point in rumaging and dwelling on it. Just makes it harder"

Me - "I will miss you, you know..I couldnt stop crying last night"

Him - "Youll get over it"

 

What the heck did I just read? It's not a good idea to talk about it? That means the guy thinks he can play the boyfriend after having met you not long ago but can't talk about how he feels? Huge contradiction here. At first I was willing to give him a benefit of the doubt that perhaps he just got too hot at first but this is just game playing to me. By having pulled the breaks on the sex you exposed him. Clever you!

[thecracker]

What the heck did I just read? It's not a good idea to talk about it? That means the guy thinks he can play the boyfriend after having met you not long ago but can't talk about how he feels? Huge contradiction here. At first I was willing to give him a benefit of the doubt that perhaps he just got too hot at first but this is just game playing to me. By having pulled the breaks on the sex you exposed him. Clever you!

 

 

thankyou very much haha I've had a couple years' experience; this year in particular has been a series of absolute catastrophic dating tales, one guy especially who not only saw me on the first date and said "youre pretty but I do usually prefer my girls to wear more makeup than you are now" but then proceeded to ask if I wanted to go back to his place after just 15mins of being on the date. Anyway..thats another story haha..

 

Just to magnify your point, this guy ironically told me that the first thing that got him into me was the fact that we were both very, very open poets. I can't believe I almost had sex with him...fantastic poet haha

[Legatus]

Ahh he's one of those who talks a lot but that's only a facade... I mean there's nothing wrong, at least for me, to being open, but everybody needs to know the balance. No hurt in telling somebody you like them on/after first date but behaving like a boyfriend? That would be too much.

 

You should have replied to him at the end "of course I will", though I wonder if he comes back once he realises he didn't happen to stumble upon a stupid girl here

[thecracker]

Ahh he's one of those who talks a lot but that's only a facade... I mean there's nothing wrong, at least for me, to being open, but everybody needs to know the balance. No hurt in telling somebody you like them on/after first date but behaving like a boyfriend? That would be too much.

 

You should have replied to him at the end "of course I will", though I wonder if he comes back once he realises he didn't happen to stumble upon a stupid girl here

 

I think you're right..i should have followed my instinct the VERY first moment he greeted me; he held me close as we walked into town kissing me on my forehead as if we were a couple of about a year who had had 6 months away from eachother but I figured we'd been affectionate on messages so it was ok..he has a good imagination and probably rehearsed some scenes in his head but Ill confess he was on mine for a very very long time too...

Ah well. I feel like hes one of these guys who will be very fixated on moving on very fast though and without sounding disrespectful has probably already had an already good amount of "make up for lack of" sex. Just my op as his drive was RELENTLESS

[dangerous]

From what i'm reading, this is mainly focusing on the guy, however....there are two sides. The OP seems to have got very emotional on this, despite suspecting so quickly that he is dysfunctional. That last text conversation reads to me that the guy has decided this is over and wants to move on. The girl is trying to open up more emotional discussion, which he seems clearly not interested in. I apologise if I'm mistaken or out of line, but thecracker do you have a history of jumping into relations too quickly, or have you been in a similar situation? I remember your "I'm cynical" statement at the start...

[dangerous]

edited due to misreading,

Edited November 27, 2019 by dangerous

[thecracker]

From what i'm reading, this is mainly focusing on the guy, however....there are two sides. The OP seems to have got very emotional on this, despite suspecting so quickly that he is dysfunctional. That last text conversation reads to me that the guy has decided this is over and wants to move on. The girl is trying to open up more emotional discussion, which he seems clearly not interested in. I apologise if I'm mistaken or out of line, but thecracker do you have a history of jumping into relations too quickly, or have you been in a similar situation? I remember your "I'm cynical" statement at the start...

 

Yeah - I'll admit I am very very emotional, explains why I always fall for these guys but not one of them has said I love you after the first time meeting. The very twisted part is that I have a horrible sense inside of me that wants to still be his..Im checking my phone like an idiot and feeling a punch in my stomach when its not him..he made me feel so special and shameful to say he took care of me well for those 4 days, I got sick and also had an anxiety attack before I went onstage and his eyes were on me the entire time as if he truly cared...I spoke to a mutual friend today who told me "hes nice enough but always got something hidden. Be careful next time".

 

Trying to remind myself of all the baaad times and insecurity I went through when I didnt hear from him for hours and his rants and how awkward I felt on the sunday when we just werent clicking. Ugh

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah - I'll admit I am very very emotional, explains why I always fall for these guys but not one of them has said I love you after the first time meeting.

 

I would take more time to reflect on that.

 

Ask yourself what it was inside you that wanted to believe this person you'd never met could love you. Maybe you've been feeling lonely in love over the past few months? Bad past experiences and it just felt so good to hear the words, despite not really knowing each other?

 

I think when you figure that out, you will realize that this whole situation has less to do with him as a person and more to do with trying to fill an unidentified void in your life somewhere. I don't mean that as an insult either, but rather as a point of reflection to help you move past this. It doesn't appear you've lost out on a really awesome guy, but you're sad the experience of feeling loved was cut short. That's my take, for what it's worth.

[thecracker]

I would take more time to reflect on that.

 

Ask yourself what it was inside you that wanted to believe this person you'd never met could love you. Maybe you've been feeling lonely in love over the past few months? Bad past experiences and it just felt so good to hear the words, despite not really knowing each other?

 

I think when you figure that out, you will realize that this whole situation has less to do with him as a person and more to do with trying to fill an unidentified void in your life somewhere. I don't mean that as an insult either, but rather as a point of reflection to help you move past this. It doesn't appear you've lost out on a really awesome guy, but you're sad the experience of feeling loved was cut short. That's my take, for what it's worth.

 

You have hit the nail on the head - its what made me have a little breakdown in bed last night. I don't miss being close to him, our conversations or even those words but I miss feeling like I belonged to someone who continuously said "I absolutely ADORE you" then went onto magnify it into "I love you" <-- I don't miss him for we were actually very different people..VERY. Different political views, different morals and even our music taste was so SO different and my favourite thing about bonding it the compatability.. however, I can't get his expression out my head when he said "Ive given in a thousand times to tell you that Im crazy in love with you". I think at 26, I finally have to admit that my superior independance is coming to an end..my brother who is 27 is currently with us and he has been with his girlfriend for over a year and has been talking about engagement and I cant listen to him talk without reminding myself how far away I am from it all.. its painful..But! I'd rather be in the comfort of good friends and family as opposed the company of the wrong person!

 

Thanks so much for the non judgements guys. Still a little on edge about what we "did" intimately as we did get very close to sex but I refused everytime he nearly went in...part 2 of my worries is if I was safe but I'm sure its all ok.