Dating someone who is painfully shy/socially awkward?

[emmab219]

I don't know if this matters, but we met on Hinge. He was super talkative through text, and part of the reason I was excited to meet him was because I liked his dry sense of humor and he seemed confident. Yet when we met up, it was one of the most awkward dates I've ever been on for at least for the first half hour to forty-five minutes. Didn't say more than a few words and I really had to carry the conversation. Once I did get him talking, it was fine. But wow, it was like pulling teeth.

 

We say goodnight, and he texts me later. Again, full on great conversation. Nonstop chatting. We have another date and I think 'okay, we met once so now he'll be more comfortable'. Wronnggggg. It was more or less the same. He was insanely quiet. Answered my questions, but didn't offer up any info about himself or conversation topics unless prompted. So again I talked A LOT. I wanted a kiss goodnight, but didn't expect one because of his shyness. And I was too shy to go in for one myself.

 

It's just so odd to me. I love our text conversations-- he's funny, charming, and flirtatious. So why doesn't that translate to in person? He has no issues talking about wanting to make moves on me via text...but I keep seriously doubting if he could follow through in person. And yet I still want to keep seeing him because I do really like him. I just don't know if he'll ever open up more in person, or eventually become less awkward.

 

Any advice or tips from someone who has dated a person who is painfully shy and extremely socially awkward? I was thinking maybe I should suggest a date that would make conversation necessary, like an escape room? Or would it be better to do like a movie or an arcade where we don't talk much or at all? lol I have no idea what to do here but he's cute and makes me laugh so I'm hanging on.

[Garcon1986]

You describe me on a date pretty perfectly.

Mention that you think he is more shy in person than online, and plan a date together that requires some action on everbody's part like an escape game. That's a great way to try to get him to open up. Alternatively, ask him about what he really likes to talk about in person and try to plan something that involves these interests.

Give the good bloke a chance. Men really enjoy it if you take a bit of initiative in getting a little physical.

[SumGuy]

Sounds like he is slow to get going in person but once he does it goes well. Who knows maybe he is just a really good listener but listen a little too long. I suspect with time as her gets more comfortable with you he’ll warm up quicker, but by time I’m thinking a couple months.

 

On a kiss, you may have to go in for it...he’s given some signs. So many ways, perhaps when in close “Id really like you to kiss me.” Or a little more protect ones ego, “I’ve really been thinking about you kissing me. I’d like that”

Or just “Can I kiss you” then lean in. I’m thinking some words first so he doesn’t instinctively pull back (if he is that shy) not because he doesn’t want to kiss you just because he is so shy.

 

Both your date ideas sound great. I do think an escape room where he can talk to the problem helps. No in would really know it but I find it hard to make personal conversation with out a warm up, but learned over time how to make smaller talk and interesting observations to bridge the gap.

 

A movie could be good too if you have dinner and drinks after and can start talking about the movie. I’d pick one he could speak to. A franchise one could be good as can talk to other movies.

 

I think it is wise you give him a chance, I’d bet that witty text person will emerge soon enough with you, especially in a comfortable setting with just you two.

Edited November 25, 2019 by SumGuy

[emmab219]

You describe me on a date pretty perfectly.

Mention that you think he is more shy in person than online, and plan a date together that requires some action on everbody's part like an escape game. That's a great way to try to get him to open up. Alternatively, ask him about what he really likes to talk about in person and try to plan something that involves these interests.

Give the good bloke a chance. Men really enjoy it if you take a bit of initiative in getting a little physical.

 

 

Thanks so much for replying! That's actually really helpful. I was thinking an escape room would be fun, but I wasn't sure if it'd make him uncomfortable that he'd be sort of 'forced' into communicating more? Not that forced is the right word.

 

Seeing him has actually been really helpful for me, as normally I find myself the shy one on dates! My friend had the same advice-- that I just need to be the one to initiate and make a move next time. And it does sound a little fun I've never been the one to initiate the first kiss!

[emmab219]

Sounds like he is slow to get going in person but once he does it goes well. Who knows maybe he is just a really good listener but listen a little too long. I suspect with time as her gets more comfortable with you he’ll warm up quicker, but by time I’m thinking a couple months.

 

On a kiss, you may have to go in for it...he’s given some signs. So many ways, perhaps when in close “Id really like you to kiss me.” Or a little more protect ones ego, “I’ve really been thinking about you kissing me. I’d like that”

Or just “Can I kiss you” then lean in. I’m thinking some words first so he doesn’t instinctively pull back (if he is that shy) not because he doesn’t want to kiss you just because he is so shy.

 

Both your date ideas sound great. I do think an escape room where he can talk to the problem helps. No in would really know it but I find it hard to make personal conversation with out a warm up, but learned over time how to make smaller talk and interesting observations to bridge the gap.

 

A movie could be good too if you have dinner and drinks after and can start talking about the movie. I’d pick one he could speak to. A franchise one could be good as can talk to other movies.

 

I think it is wise you give him a chance, I’d bet that witty text person will emerge soon enough with you, especially in a comfortable setting with just you two.

 

 

Thanks! He did say after our first date that he'd wanted to kiss me, but wasn't sure if I was okay with it and had expected me to ask. So I think I'll do what you suggested and just ask if I can kiss him next time. Also love your suggestion for having dinner after the movie so we have something to talk about.

 

I do definitely want to give him a chance. I'm really comfortable chatting with him and feel like I can be myself, and I do find him super hilarious. So not ready to give up on this one!

[Garcon1986]

Also many men complain at mens nights out that they have to read the lady's mind. They then hear about women "dropping hints" about this thing or that thing. If you can push him a little bit online where you have great rapport about how he is shy in person, maybe you can get some insight into the exact reasons why he is shy without coming across as being too forward, and you might get his personality to shine through in person.

[Zinging]

Because face-to-face is physical and puts the conversationist (or non-conversationalist ) on the spot.

 

A digital conversation doesn't.

 

Face-to-face conversation requires reading of expressions, body language and verbal cues; and acting on them instantly, in an appropriate manner.

 

A digital conversation takes most of that stress away.

 

Face-to-face conversation is instantaneous. Imagine having an exchange where you said something. 5 minutes gap. He responds with a witty line.

Again you say the next thing. 4:30 minutes gap. He responds with another witty line. On and on. Awkward, isn't it?

 

Now try the same thing digitally - and it works perfectly!

I've seen guys rushing to 'the famous forum where everything is discussed' with snapshots of their ongoing conversations with Tinder/Bumble girls, asking what witty lines they ought to come up with. Within 10 minutes, there's a barrage of suggestions, and some of them HILARIOUSLY cheeky!

Not saying this is what's going on, but it gives you an idea...

 

Nothing wrong with a few awkward pauses when two strangers meet. But, it should also not be akin to 'pulling teeth' to hold conversations with someone you've otherwise clicked with. No? Why, even my extremely reserved & introverted hubby can hold a conversation for about half-an-hour to an hour with a stranger, if need calls for it! Of course, he could come out of his shell, be more communicative in future, and that'd be good news. But, I might be sceptical of it ever reaching the same level of epicness that your online banter reaches.

 

P.S. Escape room sounds like an awesome idea for Date 3/4 to help get two people intellectually/socially comfortable with each other in a very interesting way.

[balletomane]

I'm very similar to how you described. I'm pretty introverted and socially awkward myself, and I find it much easier to communicate through writing, especially if it's someone I don't know well. In writing I have a very dry sense of humour and never run out of stuff to say. Recently I started using a dating app for the first time, and I got chatting to someone who seemed similar to me in terms of humour and interests. On our first date, I discovered that he's also similar on the social awkwardness front. I suggested an activity for the second date, as that would give us an immediate topic to talk about. It really helped. With physical contact, I knew he wasn't going to initiate, so I took his hand as we were walking. I didn't dare to kiss him, much as I wanted to, and I know he won't dare to kiss me, so I think we'll just have to work up to that gradually. Let goodbye hugs get a bit longer, etc. I'm able to be patient because I'm shy myself (in fact, I prefer it this way) but I can see it might be tough for you if you're a more extroverted person. If it's bothering you, perhaps you could chat about it through text? That way when he sees you the next time he'll have had time and space to get over his nerves.

[d0nnivain]

Don't bring it up. Talking about it will make it more awkward & he will feel bad. Instead be bubbly & let him grow to trust you, to know that spending time with you is a "safe" space where he won't be judged. Basically be kind, understanding & patient. You know his has potential to be gregarious & charming. You just need to let him warm up. Trying to talk about it will send him running back into a cave

[emmab219]

I'm very similar to how you described. I'm pretty introverted and socially awkward myself, and I find it much easier to communicate through writing, especially if it's someone I don't know well. In writing I have a very dry sense of humour and never run out of stuff to say. Recently I started using a dating app for the first time, and I got chatting to someone who seemed similar to me in terms of humour and interests. On our first date, I discovered that he's also similar on the social awkwardness front. I suggested an activity for the second date, as that would give us an immediate topic to talk about. It really helped. With physical contact, I knew he wasn't going to initiate, so I took his hand as we were walking. I didn't dare to kiss him, much as I wanted to, and I know he won't dare to kiss me, so I think we'll just have to work up to that gradually. Let goodbye hugs get a bit longer, etc. I'm able to be patient because I'm shy myself (in fact, I prefer it this way) but I can see it might be tough for you if you're a more extroverted person. If it's bothering you, perhaps you could chat about it through text? That way when he sees you the next time he'll have had time and space to get over his nerves.

 

 

I wouldn't say it bothers me, so much as I'm just wondering how to make him more comfortable around me but I think that's just going to take time. So like you said, I just need to learn to be patient lol. It's just weird being the more extroverted one, because I mentioned in another reply that I'm usually the more shy one when I go on dates.

[emmab219]

Because face-to-face is physical and puts the conversationist (or non-conversationalist ) on the spot.

 

A digital conversation doesn't.

 

Face-to-face conversation requires reading of expressions, body language and verbal cues; and acting on them instantly, in an appropriate manner.

 

A digital conversation takes most of that stress away.

 

Face-to-face conversation is instantaneous. Imagine having an exchange where you said something. 5 minutes gap. He responds with a witty line.

Again you say the next thing. 4:30 minutes gap. He responds with another witty line. On and on. Awkward, isn't it?

 

Now try the same thing digitally - and it works perfectly!

I've seen guys rushing to 'the famous forum where everything is discussed' with snapshots of their ongoing conversations with Tinder/Bumble girls, asking what witty lines they ought to come up with. Within 10 minutes, there's a barrage of suggestions, and some of them HILARIOUSLY cheeky!

Not saying this is what's going on, but it gives you an idea...

 

Nothing wrong with a few awkward pauses when two strangers meet. But, it should also not be akin to 'pulling teeth' to hold conversations with someone you've otherwise clicked with. No? Why, even my extremely reserved & introverted hubby can hold a conversation for about half-an-hour to an hour with a stranger, if need calls for it! Of course, he could come out of his shell, be more communicative in future, and that'd be good news. But, I might be sceptical of it ever reaching the same level of epicness that your online banter reaches.

 

P.S. Escape room sounds like an awesome idea for Date 3/4 to help get two people intellectually/socially comfortable with each other in a very interesting way.

 

That definitely makes sense! I didn't even think about it that way, but there definitely is that lull between texts that gives you time to think about what you'd like to say next. He did open up a little more once we'd been talking a while, and then the back and forth was better.

[d0nnivain]

I'm just wondering how to make him more comfortable around me but I think that's just going to take time.

 

Exactly. Time is one your side here unless you press to accelerate things which will backfire.

 

Face to face communication can be scary because it's so immediate. As the one is usually the shy one, wouldn't you feel worse if somebody tried to drag you out of your shell? Don't do it to him.

 

My husband is an introvert & I'm the extrovert. Once he gets comfortable, he's fine but even after all these years he still doesn't understand how I can talk to anybody just out of no where.

[preraph]

Is this guy still living with his parents? How old is he?

 

The reason that popped into my head is because he does act like a guy that's not used to being social and you know how teenagers are when they live at home, giving their parents only grunts and clamming up, it reminded me of that. So I wonder if he's ever even developed any social skills. I'm also guessing that his subject matter is pretty limited and unless I miss my guess, juvenile. But maybe not. Maybe he's 50 and into astronomy, I don't know. So what is it he's into and how old and has he ever lived on his own? Because until you live on your own supporting yourself, working, taking care of your own needs, you are pretty limited.

[Ami1uwant]

My advice...from someone who has similarities to him....

 

He might not be good st small talk or starting a conversation feeling like he’s forcing something.

 

Next time you date do a few things...

 

1 don’t text for a few days before the date

2 do an activity date or do something that spur conversation or peop,e watch.

[emmab219]

Is this guy still living with his parents? How old is he?

 

The reason that popped into my head is because he does act like a guy that's not used to being social and you know how teenagers are when they live at home, giving their parents only grunts and clamming up, it reminded me of that. So I wonder if he's ever even developed any social skills. I'm also guessing that his subject matter is pretty limited and unless I miss my guess, juvenile. But maybe not. Maybe he's 50 and into astronomy, I don't know. So what is it he's into and how old and has he ever lived on his own? Because until you live on your own supporting yourself, working, taking care of your own needs, you are pretty limited.

 

I totally get where you are coming from and why that would make sense, but no. He’s in his late twenties and owns his own home and has a good career. We have a lot to talk about via text, and share a lot of the same interests. He’s smart, interesting and funny...not at all juvenile and neither is the subject matter. It really is just the fact that he’s quiet.

[gaius]

He's probably an internet lothario. Good over text, enjoys online flirtation but not that interested in anything physical. It really doesn't matter if he's shy or not, if he really was into the physical aspect he'd make some sort of move. Especially since you're receptive to it.

 

If you want to take the initiative and push the relationship forward anyway, do all the work then by all means. But it's most likely you'll have to put up with a lackluster sex life and lot's of excuses about why he has ED. Just have to decide whether all the other stuff is worth it.

[preraph]

So first, be sure that when he says something beautiful or witty, he's not copying it off the internet.

 

Glad to hear he's not immature. Good news. However, from experience, all I can tell you is I dated a guy who was great on paper and was flying to see me on weekends and a good "catch" and I still think he's a nice guy, but I just couldn't take his quietness. I think part of the reason he liked me and my friend he also knew were we were both outgoing so he didn't have to be. But nice, but not for me. Too quiet. I got real bored and since I'm a bit of an introvert in that I need "rest" from company, I also found a whole weekend exhausting from having someone around AND carrying the conversation. So I had to just stop with him.

 

Different strokes. Sounds like it's not going to be enough for you either. No, mine didn't get better as time went on. He, in fact, ran completely out of conversation material....

[elaine567]

I know it sound like a bit of a Rom-com plot but are you sure the guy who is texting you is the same guy you are meeting?

He may be getting some help with the texts... a charismatic guy friend, another girl or even his Mom...

[emmab219]

I'm super grateful for the responses!

 

- I'm totally sure the guy I am texting is the same guy I'm meeting. Like I've said, when he does relax and get to talking we have great conversations in person. It just takes a while for him to warm up to me. He's hilarious, and the last time we went out I was almost in tears from how funny he was. But took a while for him to relax and get comfortable. And there were plenty of awkward silences I had to work through. He has a super dry sense of humor and it comes out of nowhere.

 

- I highly doubt he is copying and pasting things from the internet. Our banter via text is often way too quick for that to be happening. It's a witty back and forth. He's fun to talk to.

 

- I don't think that he's disinterested in anything physical. Sure, he hasn't made a move but we've also only been on two dates and I specifically am thinking of a friend I have who won't even kiss until the third date. I really honestly think he's just shy about it for some reason. Or not self-confident enough to make the move, which is absurd because he's very cute.

 

It may turn out that he's not enough for me, or that it won't work because he is so painfully quiet at times. I really have no idea. We're still getting to know each other, and I'm too curious about him to simply let it go at this point. So I told my friend I would go out on a third date and let that be the marker...either he makes a move, or doesn't. And either he's more comfortable and able to keep a conversation going or he's not and then I'll know it's not going to work.

[vla1120]

It may turn out that he's not enough for me, or that it won't work because he is so painfully quiet at times. I really have no idea. We're still getting to know each other, and I'm too curious about him to simply let it go at this point. So I told my friend I would go out on a third date and let that be the marker...either he makes a move, or doesn't. And either he's more comfortable and able to keep a conversation going or he's not and then I'll know it's not going to work.

 

I read that bolded statement and my first thought was "Oh no! Give him more than just one more date!" I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I'm pulling for this guy. If he really is a decent guy who's just an introvert, once he really gets to know you, he'll open up, and he might be exactly what you've always hoped for! I guess I just sometimes think introverted "nice guys" aren't given the proper amount of time to come out of their shells before females give up on them. Let us know how that third date goes!

[emmab219]

I read that bolded statement and my first thought was "Oh no! Give him more than just one more date!" I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I'm pulling for this guy. If he really is a decent guy who's just an introvert, once he really gets to know you, he'll open up, and he might be exactly what you've always hoped for! I guess I just sometimes think introverted "nice guys" aren't given the proper amount of time to come out of their shells before females give up on them. Let us know how that third date goes!

 

 

Haha you're not the only one who is pulling for him! Honestly, I've been a lot of dates over the last few months and this is the first time I've been this interested in someone in a while. I really like him, so I'm really really hoping he opens up soon. I'm planning our next date, and I'm going to do what everyone suggested and make it an activity.

[preraph]

Only you can decide what works. All I know is a guy can be engaging and still be too fearful and hesitant to inspire sexy feelings. In fact, I think a lot of guys who run off at the mouth a lot working at being funny are often just putting off having to make a move because they're not confident in some other ways.

[Zinging]

Haha you're not the only one who is pulling for him! Honestly, I've been a lot of dates over the last few months and this is the first time I've been this interested in someone in a while. I really like him, so I'm really really hoping he opens up soon. I'm planning our next date, and I'm going to do what everyone suggested and make it an activity.

 

Cute! And it's promising that you're having a better idea about him being the genuinely witty guy he promises to be via text, as dates progress. About the awkward silences, I doubt you'll have them during an engaging activity unlike a dinner where it's mostly about conversation and table etiquette!

 

Really hope date#3 goes well. Keep us updated!!!

 

P.S. When you mean 'painfully quiet' how long do these silences last? Sometimes being ok with these silences, and not feeling compelled to fill them all with banter, can also be a sign of how comfortable you feel with someone.

Edited November 26, 2019 by Zinging

[emmab219]

Cute! And it's promising that you're having a better idea about him being the genuinely witty guy he promises to be via text, as dates progress. About the awkward silences, I doubt you'll have them during an engaging activity unlike a dinner where it's mostly about conversation and table etiquette!

 

Really hope date#3 goes well. Keep us updated!!!

 

P.S. When you mean 'painfully quiet' how long do these silences last? Sometimes being ok with these silences, and not feeling compelled to fill them all with banter, can also be a sign of how comfortable you feel with someone.

 

 

To be honest, the silences probably aren't nearly as long as they feel. Maybe it's because I used to have pretty serious social anxiety (it's gotten LOADS better) that I find any lapse in conversation very awkward. Especially with someone I'm getting to know. I'm really curious to see how date #3 goes, now that we've been chatting a lot more and have had two dates. I'll definitely post an update when I have one!

[preraph]

One small thing you might suggest that might or might not help alleviate this problem is to stop texting/calling in between dates so you have something to talk about. Because sounds like he's using all his material, so to speak, when he's not with you. I mean, it is true if you chitchat all week and then see each other, what HAVE you got to talk about?