HamonRye Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 I was hoping to get a few opinions on something as I'm going back and forth and don't know what to do for the best. Hopefully I've posted in the right place! Me and my ex-partner have started seeing each other very casually again after 3 years apart. We were in a relationship for 7 years and it ended very amicably for several reasons. So last week I discovered I was pregnant. I planned to tell him at the weekend but he was ill so I didn't see him. The plan was to tell him this week as I obviously wanted to tell him face to face. On Sunday I started to lose the baby which has since been confirmed at the hospital. Now I'm really not sure whether ro tell him. On the one hand he deserves to know but he isn't in a great place and I think it'll hurt him deeply. I'd hate lying to him but worried about how he'd cope. Any suggestions?
introverted1 Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 Is this your ex-partner's baby? Or is this pregnancy from someone you were dating before you reconnected? If the former, yes, tell him.
PRW Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 His baby,...or someone else? You didn't make that clear. His baby,...I'd say tell him. If he does not want a child it may be a relief. If he wants a child then you can always try again. The loss of a baby in early pregnancy is not as traumatic to a man as it is for the woman for obvious reasons. Not his baby,...Id's say not tell him. If you tell him he may not ever trust you again. But it may haunt you later. That is the cost of doing business when having sex with more than one person. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 I'm sorry for your loss. Part of me says to tell him because he deserves to know. However, if he is really unstable, what good will it do to tell him? He can't change it. You know him & you know his situation. If he's under the care of a doctor for his depression, perhaps speak to the physician. Not telling him is not lying IMO. It's just keeping something painful to yourself. If he asks, obviously then you tell the truth or it would be lying but if you are keeping this to yourself to avoid causing him more pain, that is noble. If you need him to share in the joint grief, then do tell him so you are not grieving alone.
divegrl Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 I am so sorry my friend. I would tell him. Many hospitals have support groups for grieving parents. I would inquire with your hospital, they can provide many services and support both of you during this time. Take care
Kelliousme Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 Sorry for your loss. I wouldn't tell someone I'm seeing "casually" even if he's an ex I was with for 7 years. 3 years has passed since you guys were together. You don't even know if he wanted that baby or if he cares.
Author HamonRye Posted November 25, 2019 Author Posted November 25, 2019 Sorry I should have made it clear, yes it was definitely his baby. We aren't seeing other people but are keeping it fairly casual so there's not so much pressure. Thank you for all your replies. He's doesn't suffer with depression it's more of a mid-life crisis. Just questioning his life and what he's done with it etc. I'm ok about the miscarriage. I didn't find out i was pregnant long before it started so hadn't really gotten my head around it all. I just don't want to upset him over something that can't be changed but equally I don't want to be eaten by guilt every time I see him. I really appreciate all the replies thanks guys.
Happy Lemming Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 About 12 years ago, I was dating someone who got pregnant. The pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. If given the choice, I would have preferred not to have known about it. Just my two cents... 1
smackie9 Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 Well since he's got other stuff going on, I wouldn't mention anything about it, for now. When he's better and on the mend, then tell him, But of course tell him why you waited. You two have known each other for years....he will be understanding. So sorry for your heartbreaking loss. You worry about yourself, and take care of YOU.
FMW Posted November 26, 2019 Posted November 26, 2019 I think I would tell him, but it's easy for someone from the outside looking in to tell you what to do. There's no reason to NOT tell him, he's a big boy and doesn't need to be protected from something like that unless he has serious emotional problems, which you say he doesn't. You handled it physically and emotionally on your own, there's no reason he needs to be shielded. If he finds out later he might resent not having been told before. 2
preraph Posted November 26, 2019 Posted November 26, 2019 I think for birth control purposes, you should tell him. Sounds like it's no time to have a baby for either of you, so you should tell him "This happened, and I'm going on the pill" or whatever will work for you guys for birth control or it will just happen again. 2
schlumpy Posted November 27, 2019 Posted November 27, 2019 Usually I'm all for honesty but the situation you outline demands timing. I would wait until he is in a better place or consider not saying anything but only if the chance of him finding out by inadvertently reading your medical records or a blabbing nurse is slim to none. The one thing you don't want to happen is for him find out through a third party. The other thing is I'm concerned for your mental health. This event can be traumatic for many people and even though you seem to be handling it well that doesn't mean you won't suffer a delayed reaction down the line and then have irrational feelings about him not supporting you. So make sure your thoughts about this are stable and rational. When he is recovered then consider telling him, but if things are going well then why say something about an event that he can do nothing about. It could just trigger him back to depression. Just my thoughts but it's your call.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 27, 2019 Posted November 27, 2019 He's doesn't suffer with depression it's more of a mid-life crisis. Just questioning his life and what he's done with it etc. Given this description, I'd tell him. The information might provide some clarity regarding his choices, including continuing a relationship with you... Mr. Lucky 1
preraph Posted November 27, 2019 Posted November 27, 2019 To be frank I think it's ridiculous you should need to shelter him from this. if you all weren't using birth control this should come as no huge surprise to him and he should have been ready for anything. If you're considering getting back together with him and staying don't you think he needs to be able to handle everything that comes with it? At the very least it gives you some more information to help make your decision easier. Plus even though you were not that severely affected by it, you have a right to some support and not having to carry a secret. And bear in mind that you need a partner who can do that job.
vla1120 Posted November 27, 2019 Posted November 27, 2019 I would tell him. It may be the wake up call he needs to pull him out of the funk he is in right now. It might also have a bearing on where your relationship will go so that you're not in limbo moving forward.
Author HamonRye Posted November 27, 2019 Author Posted November 27, 2019 Thanks for all your replies guys. Very much a mixed bag! I'm not seeing him until this weekend so have a few more days to really think it over. Just to clarify I am on birth control which I take religiously so it was a huge shock!
winny Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 You have to tell him. He is not a little baby. The pregnancy is his responsibility as much as it is yours. And anyways there has been a miscarriage. Have you ever thought that you may need more support than him because the baby was inside you and your health was at risk when you had a miscarriage? Talking to him about it... will be helpful for both of you. You two can share the pain of this loss. Right now you may not be thinking clearly but if you don't talk this over now, it may come back, later on, to haunt you, to make you feel depressed and then he will be like - WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THEN? So don't overthink and inform him.
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