Three years later and still falling

[Twizzlestick]

. In my case, since I was on cloud 9 and placed such high value on that person, and how well everything else worked in the relationship, I guess I figured at the time that it didn’t make sense to just throw in the towel and walk away from such a good thing.

 

No, fair play, you know yourself and guilt isn’t the issue at all. Reading the above perhaps your mind is still struggling with the dichotomy that it surprised itself that it could not move past “that” line in the sand despite placing such high value on other areas? The sheer shock at itself sticking to something so determinedly in the face of a list of positives. That it would be willing to let it tank over an issue? It’s like your mind is still questioning its own judgement? I understand our brains don’t tend to think as one, rather more like different departments in an office that all work differently. One department can make a decision then another department can years later wade along, pick up the file and have a real issue with how that was handled. What’s good to remember is the bit of you that made the decision made it on good judgement based on the reality for you AT that time, how it felt. Not the rose tinted view of memory lane.

 

Bare in mind, your ex caused this too. She too was willing to let it go over one issue. You don’t own that decision. Additionally, such dogged lines in the sand point towards a base incompatibility. You’d likely run into other problem areas further down the way.

 

Re compromise, I read a psychological study that actually said the old adage of compromising in reles is totally flawed. It doesn’t really work. What tends to happen is a power play sets up, a competitive element where one side subtlety feels the victor and the other the victim in any small concessions made. This leads to stifled resentments and a poor platform for the next “issue”. What is suggested is far better is collaboration where the issue is ironed out to see if it can be moved past together in a mutually respectful way. But the takeaway is compromises/collaborations what ever they get called, are fraught with difficulties. It’s no wonder it’s the leading cause of breakups. It’s just how our psychology works.

[TeddyPSmith]

Here are a couple things that pop into mind. I see similarities with my own situation. Not trying to argue about who was right or wrong. At this point it doesnt really matter. What matters is that you are able to integrate this experience into your life and move forward.

 

1. this is a person you had immensely strong feelings for. Nothing wrong with that. It's what we all strive for.
   
2. you put in a lot of work and made sacrifices for this person because you loved her. Again, nothing wrong with that. This is what you do when you love someone, right?
   
3. you felt that she didnt reciprocate the effort and compromise on issues that ultimately led to the relationship's demise. This is where the feelings of unfairness shows up. YOU would've easily made those compromises for her if the roles were reversed.
   
4. the ultimate form of rejection then happened when she coldly discarded you over text, wiped away the illusion you had of yourself and the relationship by insulting and devaluing you, and appeared to move on as if nothing happened.
   

 

You sound like a very rational person. The things that happened to you are not rational. They dont make sense. Weren't you worth more than that treatment? Wouldn't someone that loved you, as much as you loved them, honor the relationship by being more kind in the end? Wouldnt they try to compromise to make it work? This is what YOU wouldve done if you were her, right?

 

This type of rejection can be traumatic. Maybe not for everyone, but everyone doesnt matter if its what happened to YOU. You can spend years foolishly (take that word lightly, please) trying to make sense of it. Your ego has been damaged and will do anything to heal itself. It has to make things right and restore itself to the value that it thought it once had. A simple apology or acknowledgement of wrong doing would probably go a long way to your healing. But you dont even get that. Youre left to sift through the rubble and somehow try to rebuild a new life, one that you may not particularly even want. How can you build a new life when you had the one that you wanted?

 

Ive read countless books about heartbreak and trauma, been on medication, therapy, drug and alcohol use, sex, meditation, new life experiences, prayer, tried everything I could think of. Yet here I am, still. Of those things, the ones that have been somewhat helpful are meditation, prayer, sobriety, and a few tidbits from books.

 

It seems, for me at least, that there are elements of CPTSD. Thats not to insult people that have been in combat or lost loved ones unexpectedly but the symptoms are there to an extent. Its as if the trauma has been locked in the brain and it will not relinquish. So what helps with that? Crying. There is no feeling of peace and release than that of a good cry. Unfortunately its not easy to cry. Are you able to just cry it out? If not, you could try to use a self EMDR video or audio tones on YouTube while thinking of her or looking at pictures. It can send me into a solid hour of sobbing.

 

Mindfullness meditation is also helpful. Sitting with what pain or numbness is there, not trying to be or make it anything else, just what is is what is.

 

Are there other factors in your life that contribute to what youre going through? Is it that at your age, you feel like the prospects of finding that type of love again are slim? Do you lack a support system to help you through it? Did other things happen in your life that coincide with this? For me, I suffered a great many losses before, during, and after the breakup. My ex's lack of support or empathy during those times just battered my fragile ego.

 

Have you considered a different modality of therapy? General talk therapy or CBT may not be the most helpful for your situation.

 

I wish I could give you concrete advice. There is nothing worse than seeing the "Believe me, it DOES get better!" post from someone thats 2 months out of a breakup. I think that for some people in certain circumstances, a deeper intervention is required. The only thing I can tell you is to relentlessly search for ways to heal yourself. Read whatever you can, careful to not self diagnose anything too grandiose. But you can pick up tidbits of helpful information about the psyche and how to heal it.

 

Have you considered the possibility of going nuclear and giving her a call? Maybe you just need closure? Ive thought about this myself but her cold nature makes me a bit weary. What could be worse than genuinely calling to get a little closure and being treated like a leper for even calling?

 

Sorry for the rambling post. I dont get a chance to post often and wanted to vomit it up a bit. Hopefully you can find something useful in it or at least not feel like a total pariah haha.

[BeyondConfused1n]

No, fair play, you know yourself and guilt isn’t the issue at all. Reading the above perhaps your mind is still struggling with the dichotomy that it surprised itself that it could not move past “that” line in the sand despite placing such high value on other areas? The sheer shock at itself sticking to something so determinedly in the face of a list of positives. That it would be willing to let it tank over an issue? It’s like your mind is still questioning its own judgement? I understand our brains don’t tend to think as one, rather more like different departments in an office that all work differently. One department can make a decision then another department can years later wade along, pick up the file and have a real issue with how that was handled. What’s good to remember is the bit of you that made the decision made it on good judgement based on the reality for you AT that time, how it felt. Not the rose tinted view of memory lane.

 

Bare in mind, your ex caused this too. She too was willing to let it go over one issue. You don’t own that decision. Additionally, such dogged lines in the sand point towards a base incompatibility. You’d likely run into other problem areas further down the way.

 

Re compromise, I read a psychological study that actually said the old adage of compromising in reles is totally flawed. It doesn’t really work. What tends to happen is a power play sets up, a competitive element where one side subtlety feels the victor and the other the victim in any small concessions made. This leads to stifled resentments and a poor platform for the next “issue”. What is suggested is far better is collaboration where the issue is ironed out to see if it can be moved past together in a mutually respectful way. But the takeaway is compromises/collaborations what ever they get called, are fraught with difficulties. It’s no wonder it’s the leading cause of breakups. It’s just how our psychology works.

 

At the time I made the decision to put in all that extra effort to make a doomed relationship work because as mentioned above things felt almost perfect. Outside the dogs being the main major issue that I was aware of. The relationship in my eyes felt almost perfect. Not being a mind reader, and I wasn’t sensing the rug was about to get pulled out from under me. Had that been the case I could have taken a few steps back to soften the blow, but I didn’t have a chance.

 

In hindsight – I think that’s what is a major cause in all this. Being so blind sided by the breakup, immediately followed by how callous / cold hearted she got during the breakup within just a few hours. Plus, the fact that I was moving full steam ahead, and hit the ground at full speed. That totally left a mark.

 

At first I was questioning my role in the relationship, and how I could have done things differently. Trying to own why things failed, but I think I got over that within the first year. The relationship falling apart certainly wasn’t all on me. I guess simply put. The dogs to her were most important (as already stated in this thread several times) and we both had different views regarding that top. However, what was all on her was how malicious she chose to be when she ended things. That was all out of my hands.

 

Mostly at this point what I question is my judgement on how, and why I let myself get so hurt. Obviously, when you fall in love with someone you open yourself up to getting hurt that’s simply from a breakup breaking apart. That’s painful enough when you care about someone. But then you have this whole other layer of pain that seems to be ride on top of everything else that’s going on with the breakup and that’s how the person was just so callous.

 

Regarding your compromise example – I would agree with that if the balance of compromise starts to get out of sync and becoming one sided. Sure, it would certainly lead to resentment over time. That’s pretty normal as it should be. And rightfully fair. You can just give and not get anything in return. Especially if you’ve made some major compromises and your partner not so much. I assume if you find a healthy balance between your collaborations / compromises you should be able to work through most obstacles (Not all) as there’s always that fine line which is all too easy to take advantage of.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Here are a couple things that pop into mind. I see similarities with my own situation. Not trying to argue about who was right or wrong. At this point it doesnt really matter. What matters is that you are able to integrate this experience into your life and move forward.

 

1. this is a person you had immensely strong feelings for. Nothing wrong with that. It's what we all strive for.
   
2. you put in a lot of work and made sacrifices for this person because you loved her. Again, nothing wrong with that. This is what you do when you love someone, right?
   
3. you felt that she didnt reciprocate the effort and compromise on issues that ultimately led to the relationship's demise. This is where the feelings of unfairness shows up. YOU would've easily made those compromises for her if the roles were reversed.
   
4. the ultimate form of rejection then happened when she coldly discarded you over text, wiped away the illusion you had of yourself and the relationship by insulting and devaluing you, and appeared to move on as if nothing happened.
   

 

You sound like a very rational person. The things that happened to you are not rational. They dont make sense. Weren't you worth more than that treatment? Wouldn't someone that loved you, as much as you loved them, honor the relationship by being more kind in the end? Wouldnt they try to compromise to make it work? This is what YOU wouldve done if you were her, right?

 

This type of rejection can be traumatic. Maybe not for everyone, but everyone doesnt matter if its what happened to YOU. You can spend years foolishly (take that word lightly, please) trying to make sense of it. Your ego has been damaged and will do anything to heal itself. It has to make things right and restore itself to the value that it thought it once had. A simple apology or acknowledgement of wrong doing would probably go a long way to your healing. But you dont even get that. Youre left to sift through the rubble and somehow try to rebuild a new life, one that you may not particularly even want. How can you build a new life when you had the one that you wanted?

 

Ive read countless books about heartbreak and trauma, been on medication, therapy, drug and alcohol use, sex, meditation, new life experiences, prayer, tried everything I could think of. Yet here I am, still. Of those things, the ones that have been somewhat helpful are meditation, prayer, sobriety, and a few tidbits from books.

 

It seems, for me at least, that there are elements of CPTSD. Thats not to insult people that have been in combat or lost loved ones unexpectedly but the symptoms are there to an extent. Its as if the trauma has been locked in the brain and it will not relinquish. So what helps with that? Crying. There is no feeling of peace and release than that of a good cry. Unfortunately its not easy to cry. Are you able to just cry it out? If not, you could try to use a self EMDR video or audio tones on YouTube while thinking of her or looking at pictures. It can send me into a solid hour of sobbing.

 

Mindfullness meditation is also helpful. Sitting with what pain or numbness is there, not trying to be or make it anything else, just what is is what is.

 

Are there other factors in your life that contribute to what youre going through? Is it that at your age, you feel like the prospects of finding that type of love again are slim? Do you lack a support system to help you through it? Did other things happen in your life that coincide with this? For me, I suffered a great many losses before, during, and after the breakup. My ex's lack of support or empathy during those times just battered my fragile ego.

 

Have you considered a different modality of therapy? General talk therapy or CBT may not be the most helpful for your situation.

 

I wish I could give you concrete advice. There is nothing worse than seeing the "Believe me, it DOES get better!" post from someone thats 2 months out of a breakup. I think that for some people in certain circumstances, a deeper intervention is required. The only thing I can tell you is to relentlessly search for ways to heal yourself. Read whatever you can, careful to not self diagnose anything too grandiose. But you can pick up tidbits of helpful information about the psyche and how to heal it.

 

Have you considered the possibility of going nuclear and giving her a call? Maybe you just need closure? Ive thought about this myself but her cold nature makes me a bit weary. What could be worse than genuinely calling to get a little closure and being treated like a leper for even calling?

 

Sorry for the rambling post. I dont get a chance to post often and wanted to vomit it up a bit. Hopefully you can find something useful in it or at least not feel like a total pariah haha.

 

TeddyPSmith, you have a lot of valid points.

 

1. Nothing wrong with having immensely strong feelings for someone else, but there is when that person isn’t truthful in how they feel about you. When you take someone at face value one day about their feelings for you only to be discarded literally two days after. Maybe investing too much of oneself into a person / relationship isn’t the best choice as it’s pretty devastating when it all comes crashing down.

2. I did put in a lot of work and made sacrifices for this person and the relationship to move forward. And looking back that may have been one of my problem (which at the time I didn’t know, or wasn’t seeing). Meaning, I was probably the only one putting in that work. I say that based off the fact how that person was able to so easily just walk away. That to me says it all.

3. You’re absolutely right with point number three. All within reason of course.

4. Pretty much hit the ball out of the park on this one too.

 

You sound like a very rational person. The things that happened to you are not rational. They dont make sense. Weren't you worth more than that treatment? Wouldn't someone that loved you, as much as you loved them, honor the relationship by being more kind in the end? Wouldn’t they try to compromise to make it work? This is what YOU would’ve done if you were her, right?

 

I would have absolutely done this for her, and not just her but in general. As the somewhat cliché saying goes “Treat people the way you want to be treated” This to me is common sense, and common decency. I would have assumed that would have been somewhat of a default option for someone that gave the shirt off their back to you for the last year. But what do I know?

 

Ive read countless books about heartbreak and trauma, been on medication, therapy, drug and alcohol use, sex, meditation, new life experiences, prayer, tried everything I could think of. Yet here I am, still. Of those things, the ones that have been somewhat helpful are meditation, prayer, sobriety, and a few tidbits from books.

“

 

You sound like you’ve also been through a lot, and have used your experiences to learn how to overcome your struggles. Most importantly, you sound like you’re well on your way towards a brighter future as you offer some insightful advice. I appreciate that!

 

It seems, for me at least, that there are elements of CPTSD. Thats not to insult people that have been in combat or lost loved ones unexpectedly but the symptoms are there to an extent. Its as if the trauma has been locked in the brain and it will not relinquish. So what helps with that? Crying. There is no feeling of peace and release than that of a good cry. Unfortunately its not easy to cry. Are you able to just cry it out? If not, you could try to use a self EMDR video or audio tones on YouTube while thinking of her or looking at pictures. It can send me into a solid hour of sobbing.

 

PTSD is certainly not only reserved for those exposed to combat. Seems like it touches anyone that has had some serious enough trauma in their life that was of enough significance to cause extreme stress. Maybe for me this may have been it. As for crying – Those days are over. I did that earlier on in the breakup. Started fading away as the months went on. Probably went on for 6 months to a year and no more. The experiences shared that surface out of nowhere do make me feel sad for the loss, but not enough to cry anymore. Wasn’t always that way, but that’s how it is now.

 

Are there other factors in your life that contribute to what youre going through? Is it that at your age, you feel like the prospects of finding that type of love again are slim? Do you lack a support system to help you through it? Did other things happen in your life that coincide with this? For me, I suffered a great many losses before, during, and after the breakup. My ex's lack of support or empathy during those times just battered my fragile ego.

 

This may have some contributing factors, but I’m not 100% certain on this one yet, but it could be likely and I wouldn’t rule it out entirely. As I’ve mentioned before – After dating for 16+ years before my ex. Nothing from a relationship, connection, depth has come close to how my last relationship was. So I guess at my age, and just finding that type of love again are indeed slim just based off my own person experiences. I had a decent support system that helped get me through it. Could it have been better? Sure, but I made use of what I had. Plus, I also turned to therapy, but I didn’t find that as helpful.

 

Sorry to hear you went through so much at one time without having the person you thought have your back, or is supposed to be the person that you turn to support just abandons you or shows no empathy during your time of need. That’s a difficult feeling. I felt that way as well going through my breakup. Granted, my ex dumped me so clearly she wasn’t sticking around regardless. However, the person I thought had my back was also the very person that pulled the rug out from under me.

 

Have you considered a different modality of therapy? General talk therapy or CBT may not be the most helpful for your situation.

 

I have not considered this nor do I know what it is. I’ll have to look into it and see what it offers, but certainly the traditional therapy I found wasn’t very helpful overall. Unfortunately.

 

I wish I could give you concrete advice. There is nothing worse than seeing the "Believe me, it DOES get better!" post from someone thats 2 months out of a breakup. I think that for some people in certain circumstances, a deeper intervention is required. The only thing I can tell you is to relentlessly search for ways to heal yourself. Read whatever you can, careful to not self diagnose anything too grandiose. But you can pick up tidbits of helpful information about the psyche and how to heal it.

 

You’ve given some good sound advise here. I appreciate your feedback. You’re right – That it does suck hearing that “It does get better”. For most people that seems to be the case. However, it seems like the more of yourself you have invested into a relationship that falls apart abruptly. You kind of lose some of yourself, and your essence (as someone else put in this thread) and that’s very true. Going forward it almost seems like you don’t ever get to start off with a clean slate as you have baggage that you’re going to “look out for” almost as if you’re waiting for the bottom to fall out. If, you ever make it that far again. For me, the thought of dating someone else doesn’t sound appealing. As if I have no interest anymore in that, which sucks as I am wasting the better years of my life by sitting on the sidelines, but my heart really isn’t into being with someone new / else.

 

Have you considered the possibility of going nuclear and giving her a call? Maybe you just need closure? Ive thought about this myself but her cold nature makes me a bit weary. What could be worse than genuinely calling to get a little closure and being treated like a leper for even calling?

 

I have not considered this and this isn’t an option in my case. That person didn’t give me closure when I thought we were the closest we could have been within a relationship. There’s zero chance she is probably even capable of providing me with what I may or may not need. Let alone after three years. That ship has long sailed.

[mixedblood]

didnt read your whole thing, but the problem is you have not changed, and you are not growing, you are stuck in the past, no relationship can be rebuilt on a rocky foundation. start from scratch, before you ever met her. you were growing, you she ripped your heart out, and for a reason, and probably is mentally crippling you so you dont move on, for example, wearing tons of make up and dressing sex, shes doing it for guys, and to destroy you so you never move on, you need to get out of this groove, seriously, go to the gym 24 7. and dont stop until you become an alpha