Three years later and still falling

[BeyondConfused1n]

First and foremost, I wanted to thank you in advance for taking time out of your day and reading my post.

 

It’s been almost three years since I’ve made a post here, and nearly three years since my relationship abruptly came to an end. I wrote about it here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/614308-here-today-gone-tomorrow-s-welcome Don’t want to rehash the whole thing, but it was someone I knew the minute I met was almost exactly the type of person I’ve wanted as a partner. Someone I easily fell deeply for and cared very much about. If you were to ask me to describe my perfect partner. That person would check off 90% of my list. Yet, the missing 10% was enough to end it all, and end it so bitterly cold on her part. It’s pretty hard to comprehend when in your head you value / regard the relationship so highly and give it your all (making some mistakes along the way) while the other person just disregards you through a text message on Valentines day as if you meant absolutely nothing to them.

 

I was 33 years old when that relationship ended but when it did, in that moment I knew the road to recovery was going to be slim, and that my life would forever change. Fast forward to today; I can’t say I was wrong.

 

I’ve spent the last three years of my life trying to put it, and myself back together. Although, sometimes more often than not it doesn’t feel like I’ve come very far. There are still many days that I randomly reflect on some shared memory. Driving past certain places still to this day resurfaces those shared moments. I still to this day remember every little thing as if it was just yesterday, but the road thus far has been a long, lonely, and painful one.

 

That first year was extremely rough; I remember for the first three months I couldn’t bring myself to go into some of the rooms in my home as it brought back too many memories. Trying to get around basic day to day functions became major undertaking. I lost my desire to do anything. Things were very tough for the first year. Time has certainly passed, but the pain hasn’t healed. The thoughts haven’t left. Sometimes in the middle of the night I still to this day wake up to some random thought about this person. Wondering what the hell happened? Why? Not that it matters anymore as all the damage has been done. Not that I’d ever go back. This pain is residual mourning the loss of what I thought I had. The person I thought I fell for. The person I lost including my ex, and myself. The loss of what once was and is no more. If that makes sense.

 

At the time I did try with all my efforts to salvage the relationship I thought I had, but the more effort I tried to repair my relationship. On her end she was already checked out and pulling further and further away. Eventually, by the second week after the breakup. That person was completely disconnected and out of my life since then. I’ve never seen or spoken to this person again. After three years this has had a pretty large impact on my life, as well as created some void.

 

I’ve tried going to therapy after we broke up so I wouldn’t get stuck in such a bad place that I was in. I went for quite a while hoping it would help, or to help bring some sort of closure, but it didn’t seem like it was helping, and as we now know. It wasn’t.

 

For the last three years, it seems like I’ve been simply going through the notions of life, but with a dark cloud over my head without very much purpose. It just feels like I’m existing, but without much joy or happiness. I’ve tried surrounding myself around friends and family, which is the typical route to hang out with close people as much as I possibly could, but after sometime everyone ultimately goes on with their lives. I’ve tried finding new hobbies and even starting a few new businesses I’ve involve myself in, which I did in year two and year three after the breakup. I even ended up traveling around once a month (business related), but still wound up coming full circle back to where I started.

 

I’ve been working out and also picked up a few new hobbies - Bike riding, working out, and learning a few new skills, but again, same result. It almost seems like everything becomes dull or pointless over time, or I find myself back to where I started from. Before all this. This wasn’t at all how I used to be. I was always naturally extremely curious about things I would be interested in. Not at all the case anymore.

 

This past year I’ve also tried moving on by going on a date or two or talking / meeting new women, but I quickly learned my heart & mind were not at all in it, so that ended quickly. It’s extremely hard to move on when my heart is not ready, or not in it, and my mind reminds me of the person I lost was nearly everything I wanted from a partner and since that’s long gone I’ve had very little interest / luck connecting / finding someone / something relatively even close to what once was (in a connection sense). I get that that relationship I had failed, and its long over, but that doesn’t change the fact that it has had such a large impact on me.

 

It seems no matter what I’ve tried I have not been able to get my life back on track to a place I can once again move forward with my life, or simply to get it back on track with meaning & purpose, or vibrance and happiness as that’s who/how I used to be. At this point throughout this breakup and these last three years it seems like I’ve lost a large portion of myself.

 

People say to give it time and time heals all pain, but in my experience that has not been the case. I still find myself asking how something that felt so right, went so wrong.

[elaine567]

Almost from day one you set yourself up to fail regarding this girl.

She loves dogs, she owned two dogs who were her companions, they lived in the house and slept on the bed.

You think dogs need to live outdoors and can't stand the "hair" and the smell of indoor dogs.

You tried to impose your will on her and get her to change her mind about her dogs but she dumped you instead.

You lost control over her, she was supposed to bend to your will as you were "right" and she was "wrong"

 

Your ego took a big hit.

Not only did this girl not listen to the "reasonable" arguments you presented, but when push came to shove she did not put her dogs outdoors as you wanted her to do, but instead she chose them and dumped you.

 

People who love their pets will usually stand up for their pets, they will not put up with anyone who is negative about their pets. Why would they? Her lifestyle was such that her dogs were #1, and they would always be #1, so why should she be miserable just because YOU disagreed... She didn't want a future with her dogs in outdoor kennels or perhaps no dogs at all

You took on a fight you were never going to win.

You should have walked away the minute you saw the dogs on the bed.

 

But that situation has no doubt done a number on your self confidence. Given the choice between two smelly dogs and you, she didn't choose you and that is a bit of ego hit, which no doubt is still playing out today.

[schlumpy]

Looks like you have tried everything that normally works for most people. The idea is distract yourself while time and distance works it's magic.

 

It's a long shot but you could look into meditation and training your mind to control your thoughts. This is personal miasma is coming from deep inside you where the wiring is very resistant to change.

 

People have stated before that it has takes up to five years to get over a valued relationship. You may have two more years to go. I think your main focus is that she discarded you so easily. I'm sure that impression is mostly generated by yourself. Her being distant, cold and dismissive were likely a defense mechanism she was using to cope with the situation. If you had just let her go she likely would not have had to use those emotionally separating tools.

 

I don't like to take medications myself and rarely recommend them but in your case I think you should consider it. You are wasting a good part of your life dwelling on what will never be.

[Blind-Sided]

I didn't read the original post... but assuming Elaine is right... the dog thing is a big deal. To her, they were her kids. She could see past the hair and stink... but to her, they were everything. TO you... dogs are just animals, and should be treated like such. Because of that, subconsciously, you feel less valued than an animal you do not care for. I know telling you that doesn't change what you are feeling, but because of that... it would have never worked out. You both had extreme feelings on this subject. But, this is a BIG point that should be talked about with a counselor. (It's tied to self worth)

 

 

As above... I don't like to take meds all the time... but since you have been lost for 3 years... I think it's time to look at that path.

[FMW]

Getting over losing someone you truly love is hard. But three years is a long time, so I agree with the others that it might be time to consider a prescription. And/or counseling to help you break out of the self-imposed prison in which you seem to be trapped.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Almost from day one you set yourself up to fail regarding this girl.

She loves dogs, she owned two dogs who were her companions, they lived in the house and slept on the bed.

You think dogs need to live outdoors and can't stand the "hair" and the smell of indoor dogs.

You tried to impose your will on her and get her to change her mind about her dogs but she dumped you instead.

You lost control over her, she was supposed to bend to your will as you were "right" and she was "wrong"

 

Your ego took a big hit.

Not only did this girl not listen to the "reasonable" arguments you presented, but when push came to shove she did not put her dogs outdoors as you wanted her to do, but instead she chose them and dumped you.

 

People who love their pets will usually stand up for their pets, they will not put up with anyone who is negative about their pets. Why would they? Her lifestyle was such that her dogs were #1, and they would always be #1, so why should she be miserable just because YOU disagreed... She didn't want a future with her dogs in outdoor kennels or perhaps no dogs at all

You took on a fight you were never going to win.

You should have walked away the minute you saw the dogs on the bed.

 

But that situation has no doubt done a number on your self confidence. Given the choice between two smelly dogs and you, she didn't choose you and that is a bit of ego hit, which no doubt is still playing out today.

 

Elaine567,

 

Thanks for your feedback. But you clearly missed the mark if you think it’s my ego or self confidence that is hurt after 3 years.

 

Clearly, from day one I was very aware of this girl owning two dogs. After all, it’s pretty typically for most single people to own pets. And, she wasn’t the first girl I dated that owned a dog. However, she was the first person that I’ve ever met in my entire life that treated dogs that way.

 

Growing up, I also owned dogs all my life. I’ve always treated them as part of the family. Just because I had a large dog who lived outside, then later in life a small dog that lived inside didn’t at all define my feelings for either animal. I cared for both equally well.

 

I’m quite fascinated at the fact that you’re jumping to conclusion about how you think my view on dogs are, and how you automatically assumed I would default to them being outside. I never said that, nor did I ever impose any views of such on my ex or her animals. That’s out of character for me and isn’t my place to make demands in someone else’s home. I did however feel that when two people get together typically, they compromise to a certain degree. Obviously, if the person doesn’t want to compromise than you part ways. Except, this person mislead their intention even to the very last days. My request was to meet somewhere in the middle. That’s asking for a fair compromise, which all relationships make. See, I have this great example of what a successful relationship is made up of. My parents have been happily married for 42 years, and I’ve seen them both make compromises for each other when one would (impose their will, in your words) feel strongly about something the other doesn’t necessarily feel the same way about. Its normal to have different experiences and views and share those with your partner. I’d assume a contributing factor are the extreme differences that break down a relationship over time, which in my case happened to be sleeping with two large dogs, and cleanliness.

 

Also, I didn’t lose control over anyone as I never tried to control anyone. You make it sound like just because I have my own set of values, and views that are different than my exs they shouldn’t be voiced. Plus, its funny how you mention my view being right, and her view being wrong as I used that very example except in the exact opposite way. In my experience when you’re in a relationship it’s not about your way, or her way, or being right, or being wrong. You’re on the same team, at least that’s how I saw it.

 

My ego isn’t what took a hit. I’ve been broken up with and have broken up with others for various reasons, and someone else picking the dogs over me is really their choice, and a reflection of their values. Why force someone to love you?

 

If you actually read my original post what hurt was finding and falling for someone at first sight, that just so happen to be practically everything you’ve wanted in a partner. Then always going above and beyond for that person. Giving a significant part of yourself, your time, resources, love, dedication to that person, and the relationship, then from literally one day to the next. They just up and leave. Again, this says a lot about that other person. Weather they were emotionally unavailable, too tied up on their dogs, or whatever the case maybe, that doesn’t change the fact that it had such a large negative impact on me. Something I’ve learned over the years is that its always the person that invests the most is also the person that stands to lose the most should things fall apart. That person happen to be me in this case.

[Coup La-La]

Have you spoken to a therapist or a councilor? Break-ups are too difficult to handle alone

[BeyondConfused1n]

Looks like you have tried everything that normally works for most people. The idea is distract yourself while time and distance works it's magic.

 

It's a long shot but you could look into meditation and training your mind to control your thoughts. This is personal miasma is coming from deep inside you where the wiring is very resistant to change.

 

People have stated before that it has takes up to five years to get over a valued relationship. You may have two more years to go. I think your main focus is that she discarded you so easily. I'm sure that impression is mostly generated by yourself. Her being distant, cold and dismissive were likely a defense mechanism she was using to cope with the situation. If you had just let her go she likely would not have had to use those emotionally separating tools.

 

I don't like to take medications myself and rarely recommend them but in your case I think you should consider it. You are wasting a good part of your life dwelling on what will never be.

 

Schlumpy,

 

It took sometime to go to this point, and unknowingly I guess I did implement the “magic” formula. In general, and before all this I was very result / action oriented which probably slowly helped put things in place to move forward, but as I mentioned in my original post. It doesn’t feel like I’ve moved that much forward, and at times it really just feels like I’ve went through the notions of doing it because its something that “needed” to be done to get from point A to point B. Recovery, but it doesn’t feel like recovery has occurred.

 

I’ve never heard of it taking five years to get over someone you valued. That might be my case. Either way. That’s a long time to waste. Somewhere I once read it takes a month for every year you were with that person to get over them. But these are all generalizations. It really comes down to how much of yourself you invested.

 

As for the way she cut ties being her separating tools. That could be the case, I dunno, but it’s a poor excuse if that’s the case. I wouldn’t ever cut tie with someone I dated just out of the blue from one day to the next via a text and ghosted them thereafter. That’s like texting someone “Thanks for the year, but don’t ever call me again”.

 

Lastly, the other posts also mention trying more therapy / counselor or taking meds. I’ve the therapy route for quite a while with two different people, but after a while I didn’t feel like it was going anywhere. It did give me some new perspective on certain things, but didn’t ultimately fix the underlying issue. Whatever that maybe. And meds I even went as far as getting them prescribed and even purchased them, but I never took them. I also don’t really believe in this specific type of medicine, and wanted to go through this process naturally and learn from it. Didn’t ever expect it to linger and last three years. Figured I would learn from this and move on, but from my perspective what I can learn from this is fairly all negative.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Have you spoken to a therapist or a councilor? Break-ups are too difficult to handle alone

 

Yes, I've tried that route. I went immediately after and went consistently for sometime. Felt it helped very little. Then returned a while later to another one to get another persons opinion, but it more or less ended with the same result.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Almost from day one you set yourself up to fail regarding this girl.

She loves dogs, she owned two dogs who were her companions, they lived in the house and slept on the bed.

You think dogs need to live outdoors and can't stand the "hair" and the smell of indoor dogs.

You tried to impose your will on her and get her to change her mind about her dogs but she dumped you instead.

You lost control over her, she was supposed to bend to your will as you were "right" and she was "wrong"

 

Your ego took a big hit.

Not only did this girl not listen to the "reasonable" arguments you presented, but when push came to shove she did not put her dogs outdoors as you wanted her to do, but instead she chose them and dumped you.

 

People who love their pets will usually stand up for their pets, they will not put up with anyone who is negative about their pets. Why would they? Her lifestyle was such that her dogs were #1, and they would always be #1, so why should she be miserable just because YOU disagreed... She didn't want a future with her dogs in outdoor kennels or perhaps no dogs at all

You took on a fight you were never going to win.

You should have walked away the minute you saw the dogs on the bed.

 

But that situation has no doubt done a number on your self confidence. Given the choice between two smelly dogs and you, she didn't choose you and that is a bit of ego hit, which no doubt is still playing out today.

 

I do think you were right about one thing, and we may not have even realized it, but as you so eloquently put it; “From day one you set yourself up to fail regarding this girl.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back. How could I have ever expected any sort of emotional investment from someone that. And I quote as you said “Her lifestyle was such that her dogs were #1, and they would always be #1”. There was never any room there for me, or a relationship if your always putting something else first.

[schlumpy]

It would be helpful if you could express your feelings and allow them to dissipate. You can do this by writing a journal. The journal would express your feelings, your fears, what you did wrong, what you think she did wrong, how you wanted to wring her neck, etc. It would help to put down how you feel each day so that as time goes by you can look back and see if there is any measurable difference in your outlook on life.

 

Anything that you think is important can written down. It's a transference from where you are storing these feelings and thoughts to a written page that will now hold them for you which means you can let them go.

 

If you are artistic you can write a song or poem about your feelings. If you can sculpt or even whittle something and put your feelings into an object that can hold and represent them. Then you no longer need to hold them within yourself.

 

Sometimes ritual or symbolic gestures can help you move on. Many people burn the memorabilia of their ex and see it as a release. It really all depends on what works for you.

 

I really hope you don't have another two years to waste.

[mark clemson]

For the last three years, it seems like I’ve been simply going through the notions of life, but with a dark cloud over my head without very much purpose. It just feels like I’m existing, but without much joy or happiness.

 

 

It sounds like you may have clinical depression along with, very likely, limerence. Did you discuss clinical (major) depression with your therapist? If not, consider going back and making that the primary focus.

[assertives]

Clearly, from day one I was very aware of this girl owning two dogs. After all, it’s pretty typically for most single people to own pets. And, she wasn’t the first girl I dated that owned a dog. However, she was the first person that I’ve ever met in my entire life that treated dogs that way.

 

Growing up, I also owned dogs all my life. I’ve always treated them as part of the family. Just because I had a large dog who lived outside, then later in life a small dog that lived inside didn’t at all define my feelings for either animal. I cared for both equally well.

 

I’m quite fascinated at the fact that you’re jumping to conclusion about how you think my view on dogs are, and how you automatically assumed I would default to them being outside.

 

I think what Elaine was referencing was what you said in your earlier thread:

 

She was raised to see dogs as part of the family. Just like anyone elsein the family. So to her she treats the dogs almost like another human being. Needles to say. She is a dog lover. She hasowned these dogs before we met, so I knew she liked dogs, but I was alwaysexposed to treating dogs for what they are, so this has been a uniqueexperience for me thus far.

 

Your post seem to insinuate that she sees dogs as family, while you see them as dogs.

[TeddyPSmith]

At roughly 2 years in, I feel like I’m in a very similar situation as you. I knew from first meeting her that I wanted to share life with her. 90% good, 10% bad and the bad killed it. Also left very coldly. She moved on quickly and replaced me with someone more attractive and outgoing than me. Seems like I will never get over her.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you. Someone else mentioned limerence. I follow the limerence sub on Reddit and there are others like us. It can take YEARS. It doesn’t happen with all partners. I had an ex wife leave me while she had an affair and it didn’t damage me like this. It’s just like some very special people hold a key to your heart and when they leave, they rob you of your essence.

 

Before her, I was adventurous, responsible, healthy, funny, dynamic. Now I am a shell of a human that merely exists to get over her. Sorry I can’t offer advice but thought it could help to let you know you aren’t alone.

[BeyondConfused1n]

It would be helpful if you could express your feelings and allow them to dissipate. You can do this by writing a journal. The journal would express your feelings, your fears, what you did wrong, what you think she did wrong, how you wanted to wring her neck, etc. It would help to put down how you feel each day so that as time goes by you can look back and see if there is any measurable difference in your outlook on life.

 

Anything that you think is important can written down. It's a transference from where you are storing these feelings and thoughts to a written page that will now hold them for you which means you can let them go.

 

If you are artistic you can write a song or poem about your feelings. If you can sculpt or even whittle something and put your feelings into an object that can hold and represent them. Then you no longer need to hold them within yourself.

 

Sometimes ritual or symbolic gestures can help you move on. Many people burn the memorabilia of their ex and see it as a release. It really all depends on what works for you.

 

I really hope you don't have another two years to waste.

 

I certainly hope I don’t have another two years of whatever this is either. It’s already played out far too long.

 

I have done the journaling for a good bit of time as that was also what was suggested, so I jump into that. Without even needing to look back over them there’s a measurable difference in my life for sure. I did change from this experience. Just not sure if its in a good way. I don’t really like re-reading those writings as it just brings back sad and depressing memories of how I felt back then. That doesn’t mean I don’t reflect on them, but I’ve felt its best to stay out of all those painful details. No need to rehash them.

[BeyondConfused1n]

It sounds like you may have clinical depression along with, very likely, limerence. Did you discuss clinical (major) depression with your therapist? If not, consider going back and making that the primary focus.

 

Thanks for that feedback. I've never heard of limerence so I had to look that one up.

 

That limerence sounds pretty extreme. Some things that describe limerence fit, but a lot don’t. Like I would never want my ex back in my life again, and looking back I can see where the dogs should have been an issue since day one, but I also see why I made the choices to purse. A big takeaway, which has also been suggested here many times would have been to simply walk away, and maybe that would have been the ideal thing to do. However, there is a such thing as two people breaking up amicably.

 

To me it just sounds super shallow to break off potentially a great thing simply because they have dogs or they sleep with them. For example: You go on a date with someone that you have extremely strong chemistry with, and they check off 90% of your wants only for you to talk away because they have dogs?

[BeyondConfused1n]

I think what Elaine was referencing was what you said in your earlier thread:

 

 

 

Your post seem to insinuate that she sees dogs as family, while you see them as dogs.

 

I do see them as dogs as that’s exactly what they are. Are they not? That doesn’t mean they can’t be part of the family, or be a family pet. Nor does it mean I’d have any less compassion for a dog (or any animal for that matter) if they were hurt, or are in need of anything. Believe me. I have a soft spot for dogs as well, but that still doesn’t mean ill be bringing them into my bed, and on that same front. It doesn’t mean I’d just throw them outside.

 

Besides, not sure how much of a service one would be doing to a dog by treating it like a baby, because it’s not. Plus, I don’t see much benefit to locking a dog inside a room in your house for 8 hours out of the day. At some point where do you draw the line and realize your abusing the dog by imposing your own will on it for your own gratification?

[BeyondConfused1n]

At roughly 2 years in, I feel like I’m in a very similar situation as you. I knew from first meeting her that I wanted to share life with her. 90% good, 10% bad and the bad killed it. Also left very coldly. She moved on quickly and replaced me with someone more attractive and outgoing than me. Seems like I will never get over her.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you. Someone else mentioned limerence. I follow the limerence sub on Reddit and there are others like us. It can take YEARS. It doesn’t happen with all partners. I had an ex wife leave me while she had an affair and it didn’t damage me like this. It’s just like some very special people hold a key to your heart and when they leave, they rob you of your essence.

 

Before her, I was adventurous, responsible, healthy, funny, dynamic. Now I am a shell of a human that merely exists to get over her. Sorry I can’t offer advice but thought it could help to let you know you aren’t alone.

 

TeddyPSmith,

 

Thank you for sharing your story, and truly sorry to hear about your history with your ex, and also that you’re going through something similar.

 

I’ve also had other break ups before, which were of a much longer relationships than this one was. Three times as long, and when those ended. Sure, it hurt, but this one was much much different, and it sounds like you know exactly what i’m talking about as you hit the nail on the head with your comment

 

“It’s just like some very special people hold a key to your heart and when they leave, they rob you of your essence. Before her, I was adventurous, responsible, healthy, funny, dynamic. Now I am a shell of a human that merely exists to get over her”

 

That’s exactly how I feel. My essence was robbed one day to the next. The person who I was, I'm no longer. I can’t seem to get that person back, and I’ve tried many things, but its not the same anymore. My entire life outlook isn't the same anymore. Meanwhile, the rest just feels like I too am just existing.

[Highndry]

I agree with Elaine. You were never compatible with this woman, as one of the most important things in her life - her dogs - was a source of conflict. A dog lover such as myself would have never made a big deal of the dogs like you did. I would have just done double duty to keep the dog hair at bay, as all of us dog lovers do. It comes with the territory. If a gal came into my life and started acting like you did about my dog, she'd be gone, too.

[assertives]

I do see them as dogs as that’s exactly what they are. Are they not? That doesn’t mean they can’t be part of the family, or be a family pet. Nor does it mean I’d have any less compassion for a dog (or any animal for that matter) if they were hurt, or are in need of anything. Believe me. I have a soft spot for dogs as well, but that still doesn’t mean ill be bringing them into my bed, and on that same front. It doesn’t mean I’d just throw them outside.

 

Besides, not sure how much of a service one would be doing to a dog by treating it like a baby, because it’s not. Plus, I don’t see much benefit to locking a dog inside a room in your house for 8 hours out of the day. At some point where do you draw the line and realize your abusing the dog by imposing your own will on it for your own gratification?

 

I'm not a dog lover, so I can't really relate to either yours or hers viewpoints wrt dogs. But your description of how she treats and view her dogs and your viewpoints on how you view dogs is why you guys are not compatible. You and her clearly have vastly different views, emotions and approach towards this and neither of you are able to come to a sustainable long term middle ground. My personal take on this is that neither you nor her are wrong about your views on dogs, but you both strongly don't agree with each other's stance on this, so it's probably for the better that things ended earlier on than to drag on for years and harbour resentment.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but keep your chin up. I believe everything happens for a reason, perhaps someday you'll look back and realise that she was just not meant to be, and there is someone else better suited for you.

[Twizzlestick]

Hey OP

 

I can sense the essence of your post is not to make you feel worse than you do or force you nose down to the past to stare at issues we as posters decide you need to see based merely off your words. And I respect that, as observers to wade into that would be hamfisted and not productive to where you’re at.

 

What I would say is having read your thread re this dog thing is I can sense you’re probably carrying guilt over the rele. That issue became a triangulating point. There is no right or wrong. So I don’t see blame on any part. You couldn’t move with that issue. I can sympathise, people who sleep WITH their dogs irritate me, despite the fact I really like dogs.

 

They’ve every right to choose that, but they stick to those choices in full knowledge that not all humans on the planet share their likes/dislikes. Such is the way of the world. We’re all different. Some people have the hardest time acknowledging and respecting differing views when it’s something they’re obsessed over.

 

Such people can either look for similar partners who align with their sticks in the sand or they collaborate to move forward from the disagreement - which rarely happens over such issues as it tends to become a battle of power and stifled resentments over compromises studies have shown.

 

It’s not all on you. You’re entitled to have your views as much as a dog lover is theirs. A bit like the “wanting kids” topics. Someone who doesn’t want them isn’t to be vilified. It’s a choice to be respected but whether it’s acceptable to someone else is another choice itself and both parties have to face whether the difference can be worked through or respected as immovable and partings made.

 

You were with someone who doggedly (excuse the pun) could not move past that issue and you couldn’t either. In essence a massive incompatibility. No one is right, no one is wrong. It’s personal choices but when issues are important enough to both then you have an impasse. Such firm insistence points that you both might find massive incompatibility in other areas of life, so likely it was never a great match.

 

I really feel for you as Im a year in after being dumped. I hope you can move forward. Maybe there’s more going on that just the rele, perhaps depression etc? I’m no expert. It might be worth speaking to your Doctor? Just a thought.

[Melrose78]

By replaying in your head all the great times you had on the past with her, you're putting it continuesly in the present. I watched 'mind that seeks truth' on YouTube after my exams I broke up and I found how he explains how the brain works fascinating and very helpful.

[BeyondConfused1n]

I'm not a dog lover, so I can't really relate to either yours or hers viewpoints wrt dogs. But your description of how she treats and view her dogs and your viewpoints on how you view dogs is why you guys are not compatible. You and her clearly have vastly different views, emotions and approach towards this and neither of you are able to come to a sustainable long term middle ground. My personal take on this is that neither you nor her are wrong about your views on dogs, but you both strongly don't agree with each other's stance on this, so it's probably for the better that things ended earlier on than to drag on for years and harbour resentment.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but keep your chin up. I believe everything happens for a reason, perhaps someday you'll look back and realise that she was just not meant to be, and there is someone else better suited for you.

 

Thanks for the feedback Assertives and the positive encouragement.

 

I think the time on looking back and realizing that it wasn’t meant to be has come to pass. We’re supposed to learn from our past experiences / relationships, but not quite sure what good things I can learn from this last experience that I’d take forward with me. But yeah, I see what you’re saying.

 

As for someone better suited – I’ve dated for roughly 16 years prior to meeting this girl and none of my other relationships came close to this last one. Not even combined. Not easy falling form cloud 9.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Hey OP

 

I can sense the essence of your post is not to make you feel worse than you do or force you nose down to the past to stare at issues we as posters decide you need to see based merely off your words. And I respect that, as observers to wade into that would be hamfisted and not productive to where you’re at.

 

What I would say is having read your thread re this dog thing is I can sense you’re probably carrying guilt over the rele. That issue became a triangulating point. There is no right or wrong. So I don’t see blame on any part. You couldn’t move with that issue. I can sympathise, people who sleep WITH their dogs irritate me, despite the fact I really like dogs.

 

They’ve every right to choose that, but they stick to those choices in full knowledge that not all humans on the planet share their likes/dislikes. Such is the way of the world. We’re all different. Some people have the hardest time acknowledging and respecting differing views when it’s something they’re obsessed over.

 

Such people can either look for similar partners who align with their sticks in the sand or they collaborate to move forward from the disagreement - which rarely happens over such issues as it tends to become a battle of power and stifled resentments over compromises studies have shown.

 

It’s not all on you. You’re entitled to have your views as much as a dog lover is theirs. A bit like the “wanting kids” topics. Someone who doesn’t want them isn’t to be vilified. It’s a choice to be respected but whether it’s acceptable to someone else is another choice itself and both parties have to face whether the difference can be worked through or respected as immovable and partings made.

 

You were with someone who doggedly (excuse the pun) could not move past that issue and you couldn’t either. In essence a massive incompatibility. No one is right, no one is wrong. It’s personal choices but when issues are important enough to both then you have an impasse. Such firm insistence points that you both might find massive incompatibility in other areas of life, so likely it was never a great match.

 

I really feel for you as Im a year in after being dumped. I hope you can move forward. Maybe there’s more going on that just the rele, perhaps depression etc? I’m no expert. It might be worth speaking to your Doctor? Just a thought.

 

Twizzlesticks, Thanks for your reply, sympathy, and feedback. Hope you also too find peace and happiness.

 

Carrying around guilt has been mentioned several times throughout this tread, which I am not completely disagreeing with, but it doesn’t feel like I am. Maybe that was the case at first when the breakup was fresh, but I don’t believe that to be the case anymore.

 

I never viewed neither her nor my side as a right or wrong situation. Who am I to determine what’s right or wrong for someone else. I can really only do that for myself, and clearly, I didn’t do that so well as I’m in the situation I’m in currently.

 

A lesson learned is that if someone is set in their ways as much as they are and that way happens to be in the complete opposite direction as yours. Guess it’s just best to walk away. I guess that would defeat the purpose of compromise, but it is what it is. In my case, since I was on cloud 9 and placed such high value on that person, and how well everything else worked in the relationship, I guess I figured at the time that it didn’t make sense to just throw in the towel and walk away from such a good thing.

[BeyondConfused1n]

By replaying in your head all the great times you had on the past with her, you're putting it continuesly in the present. I watched 'mind that seeks truth' on YouTube after my exams I broke up and I found how he explains how the brain works fascinating and very helpful.

 

Melrose78, thanks for chiming in. I’ll add that to my watchlist maybe I can also put it to good use.

 

I actually don’t consciously replay these things in my head, or at least not that I am aware of. I notice they resurface randomly out of nowhere. Sometimes it’s at 3:00am as I’m in the middle of sleep and I’ll just wake up to that, or like I mentioned in my post, I could be driving by some random places we used to eat at and that’s enough to trigger some old memory.

 

If it was really up to me I would have erased all these memories three years ago. You know that saying "its better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all" I don't believe that's true. At least not from where I stand.

Edited November 27, 2019 by BeyondConfused1n