Ex went complete radio silence on me lol

[ccas93]

So I had this relationship that lasted a few months last summer. Long story short, we fell hard for each other but she broke up with me after a few months. The break up wasn't exactly amicable but I didn't feel like it ended in us hating each other at all. She felt like it wasn't a good time for her to be in a relationship, doubted whether we were right for each other, blah blah blah. In retrospect, I sort of feel like she used me to make herself feel better about some **** she was going through at the time and then broke up with me when she felt better. But I wasn't ready for it to be over then, and was upset and hurt.

It ended in a lot of tears for both of us and her repeating that she "still wanted to be part of my life." At first I wasn't hot on this idea because I'm not big on being friend-zoned, but then I told her before I left her house that I didn't hate her, and she could contact me if she ever wanted. She seemed relieved and glad about this.

 

I decided to go NC on her for my own healing, and because she was the one that wanted to break up and needed space. Plus at the time I was too hurt to contact her first. To be clear, I currently have little to no interest in getting back together with her in a romantic way.

 

Annnnnd it's been 3 months now, and not one text from her to see how I'm doing, not even one single 'like' on a social media post. I posted a few times shortly after the breakup; no reaction. It stays this way today. She rarely posts so I can't reciprocate. So much for wanting to be part of my life, lol. She does look at my stories usually in less than 10 min after me posting.

 

My feelings for her are pretty gone, but it sort of bugs me that she can't be bothered to swipe her thumb on a single damn post of mine, let alone reach out one time to see how I'm doing. Like I didn't think we'd talk much because we were broken up, but the total indifference annoys me. Especially when I respected her and treated her as well as I did.

 

I guess I'm just wondering, is she an ******* for this, or is there some potentially noble reason why an ex would act completely indifferent to someone they used to sleep with 5 nights a week?

Edited November 22, 2019 by ccas93

[basil67]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

The thing which stands out to me is that you went NC because it was what you needed. Quite understandable. However this would have sent a pretty big message to her that you don't want to be part of her life and she's heard the message.

[preraph]

She doesn't want to encourage you. It's humane. Time to try to just forget about it. She's moved on.

[ccas93]

I've moved on too, but I do feel a little slighted. And I've been mostly forgetting about it but it still is just a little bit in the back of my mind. I just find it weird, that's all. She wanted me to like her so badly at the beginning of the relationship. Screw her.

Edited November 22, 2019 by ccas93

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think it is normal to say "lets be friends" after a breakup. It's meant to make things less abrupt and final for both sides, but the reality is that most people just stop talking to each other because that chapter is closed.

 

What causes more confusion than anything else is keeping an ex on your social media because a builds a false connection to the other person's life that doesn't exist in the real world.

 

Your ex may think nothing about looking at your posts because it is no longer relevant to her other than it being one of the many people she has on her social media feed.

 

I wouldn't interpret this as indications of friendship or anything meaningful, just voyeurism into the life of someone she used to know.

 

Perhaps things were just a little more simplified before the days of social media. You knew the promise of friendship was a lie when you never spoke or saw each other again.

 

If having the illusion of her around is confusing or a constant reminder of broken promises, I would recommend removing her from your social media to officially close that chapter.

[ccas93]

I understand your POV. But, I think it's intentional. I sometimes like posts of past girls I've dated to show I liked them as human beings. Many of those girls do the same for me. Occasionally we might even chat via text or DM.

 

You don't go from what we had, to "just being another person on her feed" in 3 days. There were serious feelings there. Even then, I'll sometimes press "like" on "another person in my feed"s stuff.

 

At first I was really hurt by the indifference but 3 months after the fact, I asked this question out of curiosity and a little bout of anger and annoyance at her, than because of any serious, deep feelings. So I'll leaver her around on my social media because quite frankly, I'm cool with it being simply voyeurism now. I'm still interested in her, but I no longer need her validation.

 

You're right though, social media has made dating so much harder and does build false sense of connectedness. I definitely don't see her looking at my stories as friendship, lol.

Edited November 22, 2019 by ccas93

[Mr. Lucky]

In retrospect, I sort of feel like she used me to make herself feel better about some **** she was going through at the time and then broke up with me when she felt better.

 

If this is true, doesn’t the rest make sense? If she didn’t care enough to maintain a connection when you were in a relationship, don’t see her doing much outreach afterwards.

 

She doesn’t sound like the nicest person...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ccas93]

you know Mr Lucky, tbh I'm not 100% sure if what I said is true or not, but probably the core reason why I keep thinking about this 3 months later when I'm otherwise fairly detached from it. Just don't really know is she was at all genuine or not. At times she seemed very much so but the fact that immediately wouldn't acknowledge me seems really shady and fake. Has caused me a little dissonance.

[ExpatInItaly]

I understand your POV. But, I think it's intentional. I sometimes like posts of past girls I've dated to show I liked them as human beings. Many of those girls do the same for me. Occasionally we might even chat via text or DM.

 

But she isn't you. The way you would handle or have handled breakups bears little significance for the way others handle it. A mistake a lot us make is trying to apply our own thought and behavior patterns to other people, and judge them for it when they don't do what we expect. This is where your resentment is stemming from, because she isn't doing what you would do and what you ultimately want her to do.

 

I realize you are hurt, but what she's doing is what many exes do. They keep keep a wide berth because they don't genuinely want to be in his/her life anymore, and they don't want to give them false hope either. I am like her. When a relationship of mine has ended, especially when I initiated the break-up, I bow out of that ex's life. There are no more chats, no more texts, no social media contact because I don't keep exes on my social media. I don't do it to be malicious or rude, or because I don't care. I do it because I know it isn't fair to hover around in the wings and potentially and inadvertently generate that false hope. Because, let's be honest, that's exactly what would happen if she reached out or liked your posts. You are clearly still emotional about her, understandably, and would probably misinterpret any contact from her as signs of hope.

 

It's not pleasant, I know, but you need to let go. You also need to understand that when dumpers promise they want to stay in someone's life, it usually isn't a sincere promise but a way to try to soften the blow for hurting someone. It's rarely coming from an intentionally "shady" place. They just don't know how to tell someone they no longer want any contact when that person is clearly already hurting from the news that the relationship is over. You would be best to delete her from your social media so you can let this hope and resentment fade away, and also so you don't get a front seat to her next relationship, whenever that day should come.

[healing light]

I used to post a lot on another dating forum that basically advocated no contact with any ex. I see it as part of the healing process--when you're in touch with someone when there are still feelings on one or both sides, it makes it difficult to get on the same page about friendship and stirs up a lot of confusion and potentially false hope.

 

When I went through a breakup recently, I pretty much waited for the other person to initiate because I don't want to feel like I'm leading anyone on or hurting them more than necessary, especially since contact stirs up my feelings, too. For me, it's intended to protect their feelings and the sanctity of the relationship we had so I don't build up a bad "relationship after the relationship" if it interferes with one of our healing processes. But I feel like after a decent amount of time, exes can potentially be friends again. In the beginning, it's confusing and rough--not that you don't care about the person, in fact you may be thinking about them every day, but you don't want to muddy the waters.

 

So it's possible this is why....

Edited November 22, 2019 by healing light

[ccas93]

ExpatinItaly

 

Yeeeeesssss, I see what you're saying and I really do appreciate it. And I think there is definitely some truth in me projecting myself on to her. But part of my expectations isn't just about what I would do, but also what she said she wanted. She said over and over again she wanted to remain part of my life. She told me about how she remained in contact with a few of her exes when I initially scoffed at the idea. I eventually even agreed to it. So why should I expect her to never acknowledge me again?

 

Again, ehhhhh, I WAS emotional about it, but when I was truly feeling emotional about it, I was making excuses for her and trying to convince myself that she gave two ****s about me. Now I'm detached enough about it to recognize maybe she never gave two ****s about me, which pisses me off when I think about it. I think I'm a good person and worthy of being given a crap about. I'm mad that someone played me like this recently. Waking up prompted me to write this message. Now am I sitting around stewing about this obsessively? Just enough to write this post, and yes there are a few residual feelings left, but I'm busy with my life.

 

I don't have hope anymore. I don't think she's truly right for me. This anger actually comes from finally viewing it all in a less attached, hopeful light.

 

Anyway - I do appreciate your time and effort and your advise - I hate being that guy that writes rebuttals against every post. But emotionally I've healed A LOT, but I guess one can look silly when they write these kinds of posts on this site.

Edited November 22, 2019 by ccas93

[ccas93]

and no - I don't think it's necessarily right that I am angry about it 3 months later. Waking up and realizing that she might have never truly cared about ME that much is a bit of a blow to my ego - it's less about HER and getting her back (don't want her back). Yet it seemed like there were feelings. Hence the dissonance on top of the resentment.

Edited November 22, 2019 by ccas93

[SammySammy]

She's doing you a favor.

 

That part of your life is over. Move on.

[ccas93]

I think I'm done with this topic. The problem with posting this stuff is no one besides the actual people involved in the relationship understand what's really going on. So the writer asks the question, abbreviates everything that happened in their relationship and leaves out details, people do their best to answer from limited info, writer knows it's not really what was going on, rebuttals, looks like an ******* for rejecting advise. Therapy really is probably the way to go with this kind of stuff. Then you look like you're in your head and not moved on if you're posting about it. It's how every one of these threads goes

 

I got irate about something petty and started venting on this forum - thanks for listening y'all

Edited November 22, 2019 by ccas93

[SammySammy]

Not really.

 

Your experience is not unique. We've had breakups too. Been through all of the emotional ups and downs.

 

Some of us know that true No Contact is the quickest route to healing. She's doing what is best for you and her. As I said, she's doing you a favor.

 

You torturing yourself is the problem. Mentally hanging on to what is not there. Let go. We've all had to do it. A therapist is eventually going to tell you the same thing.

 

Let go and move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

she might have never truly cared about ME that much is a bit of a blow to my ego - it's less about HER

 

Well, there you go. So they only real question is how to process and move on so you don't get stuck here. Like so many things, time probably the answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Its an ego thing.

By her sticking to the No Contact you started and ignoring you, you feel "less than". You feel you don't matter.

You thus try to hit back by saying she never loved you, she is an @sshole, she used you, but none of that may be true.

To protect your bruised ego you feel you need to think like that.

 

For some reason she saw no future with you and broke up with you.

You went NC but now you are peeved she never reached out to you. but why would she?

She said she wanted to keep in touch but you decided on NC which is fine for your healing, but on her side tells her you cannot be "just friends".

 

Dumpers are often happy being "just friends", but you set the rules by imposing NC.

3 months later the "friendship" bond such as it was, is likely gone all together. She doesn't need you as a friend. To tell the truth I don't think you could even be her friend, you are still too emotional about the split.

 

I think you thought NC was going to bring her back and you could either fall into her arms or tell her to f... off, you would be in control, but that hasn't played out the way you wanted and so you are now annoyed and upset.

 

Move on, there is nothing for you here.

Let it go.

[The Outlaw]

If someone treats us poorly, they were never worth the effort let alone grief. Let her go. Words can mean very little but actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Trust me, I've been there.