1 year and a half later

[Smurf1]

Hi guys!

 

Here I am, after 15 months since my painful breakup, I would love to have some advice or whatever feedback you can provide with your precious experience, which helped me a lot while going through hard struggles.

 

Brief Recap: my gf of almost 5 years dumped me out of the blue (literally, out of the blue) after she talked to a guy (I found out she cheated just a couples of months later, those were not just small talks).

I felt down, completely down, for 3 months, then I started healing, little by little. Since the breakup, my ex started dating that guy (sex included, she never wanted to have sex with me), but never got for real out of my way ("I may be love you, but I keep seeing him" et simila).

 

I was deeply in love, she was my first and viceversa, but I decided to let her go when I met an amazing girl (after 1 year, we are still dating), with who I feel I'm growing as a person.

Despite my decision, I kept struggling for a while, and after 15 months I still do, sometimes.

 

Problem is, when I start struggling, I just freak out! I really do not how to manage this emotion, I just freak out, how is doing something like that possible in a person's mind, and I'm refferring to all the lies, cheating happens (I guess it shouldn't but this is it).

 

In your experience, is this normal or is it me to not be normal? Shouldn't crisis stop after a year and a half?

 

 

Thank you guys

[Silver_star]

I think you need to get her completely out of your way. You should have no way of finding out about her relations with this new guy.... YOU need to delete and block her from your life completely. She should not be able to reach out to you.

 

So if i understand your post right..you are now with this new amazing girl but you are still struggling with your past experience from your ex?

Your new girl has not done any of this to you, but I would suggest you are honest about what you went through, while committing to yourself and to her that you are working to feel secure in the present relationship. it sounds like maybe you should not have moved on so quickly with this new person before you really worked through your emotions. I hate when people do that.

 

Your relationship with your ex is in the past. Yes it hurt you, but don't let it define you or your future relationships. Love can happen again, and it doesnt need to feel exactly how it did with your ex...love forms in new ways, and you just need to lean into those positive feelings and be available for it. Otherwise you will keep pushing it away because you are stuck in the past.

[schlumpy]

What kind of thoughts are occurring?

 

Is it blame, anger, revenge, nostalgia, longing, or self-loathing? Do you think these may be repressed emotions that once in awhile have to have their night out?

 

Anyone would feel guilty for hating someone they had professed to love. It does setup a cascade of cognitive dissonance.

[d0nnivain]

What do you mean you freak out? What happens?

 

The break up was "out of the blue" to you because you were blindsided by it & didn't see it coming. It had been on her mind for a while. Remember she was involved with this other guy before she ended things with you.

 

You need to think about all the logical reasons you are better off without her. Start with she is a cheater & your sex life sucked.

 

Then think about the good things involving your new GF.

 

When you do that comparison you could calm down because it should show you that you are in the right place.

[Highndry]

The things that jump out to me are certain details of her new relationship - you know she was having sex with the new guy, she may still love you but is continuing to see him - how do you know this stuff? If it's because you're keeping in contact with her, then that's the whole problem. You go NO CONTACT FOREVER, and that's how you heel.

[Piddy]

If you really loved her and she dumped you out of the blue and you found out she cheated, then that hurt / scar tissue may stay with you forever. Now that doesn't mean you'll always feel / think about it because you won't.

 

Other feelings and life experiences will help bury the hurt. The same thing happened to me many years ago. I'm surprised this hasn't (help forget about her) happened already since you're in a new relationship.

 

I got into a new relationship 3 months after my bad break up and I forgot about my ex almost immediately.

 

I did no contact before there was a thing called no contact and in my case it did work, even though I didn't do it for that reason. She called me 2 years later, but I had moved on and was on my 3rd relationship since the breakup.

 

The theory behind no contact is two fold. You need to heal and no contact will help facilitate that. And by going no contact the dumper may realize the grass isn't any greener and will eventually become curious about the dumpee.

 

Over time the dumper will experience similar feelings as the dumpee only they're delayed. My guess is her new relationship will fail and if at anytime during your relationship she really loved you, then you may hear from her down the road.

 

Then the ball is in your court. Also, if you still have feelings for her you can never be friends. The only time friends works is if both of you are indifferent (no romantic feelings) to each other after the breakup. That doesn't seem to be the case for you.

Edited November 22, 2019 by Piddy

[Smurf1]

If you really loved her and she dumped you out of the blue and you found out she cheated, then that hurt / scar tissue may stay with you forever. Now that doesn't mean you'll always feel / think about it because you won't.

 

Other feelings and life experiences will help bury the hurt. The same thing happened to me many years ago. I'm surprised this hasn't (help forget about her) happened already since you're in a new relationship.

 

I got into a new relationship 3 months after my bad break up and I forgot about my ex almost immediately.

 

I did no contact before there was a thing called no contact and in my case it did work, even though I didn't do it for that reason. She called me 2 years later, but I had moved on and was on my 3rd relationship since the breakup.

 

The theory behind no contact is two fold. You need to heal and no contact will help facilitate that. And by going no contact the dumper may realize the grass isn't any greener and will eventually become curious about the dumpee.

 

Over time the dumper will experience similar feelings as the dumpee only they're delayed. My guess is her new relationship will fail and if at anytime during your relationship she really loved you, then you may hear from her down the road.

 

Then the ball is in your court. Also, if you still have feelings for her you can never be friends. The only time friends works is if both of you are indifferent (no romantic feelings) to each other after the breakup. That doesn't seem to be the case for you.

Dear Piddy,

 

things went exactly how you said (I omitted, story would have been too long). She dumped her ne bf in a couple of months and came back to me. I refused to get her back, beacuse on one han I wanted to try something new, and I still am in a relationship, on the other, when she left, she said stuff I think nobody shold ever hear, like "I've never found you physically hot" (confirmed by the fact we never had sex, but I was younger, and in love, I never linked this stuff), or "It's been a year since I started not being happy with you".

 

The point is, despite these things she said, I still have kinda feelings. It's not love anymore, but I feel really down about all the story, and I thought I would have felt better after almost 15 months.

[FerDeLance]

From what you said last, it shows that she is just using you. She left that guy so she tries to go back to you and when you refuse she started being nasty. Well, that should be enough to convince you to stay away from her and work on the new girl. One thing you should do is delete or put away all images of her not only digital but on paper, if any. The less you see her the better. And if you happen to see her do your best to avoid her. If you can’t, you must have some way prepared beforehand to avoid a trigger of emotions. A friend of mine imagined a favorite dish. It sounds silly but I tried it and it worked. I hear people say they are working on themselves. But how does one do this. Definitely not sitting around or just will power. The trick is input, lots of positive input. To remove something in your mind and in your heart, you need something new to replace it with.

[vla1120]

She was your first love. To a certain extent, she'll always hold a special place in your heart (at 59, I still look back fondly on mine though he broke my heart - but certainly not every day, hardly ever, in fact.)

 

BUT! The way to get over her is to go completely NO contact whatsoever. Block her on all social media.

[preraph]

You're just keeping yourself agitated and need to close all means of hearing anything about her, block her, don't look on social media, ask mutual friends to shut up if they start telling you gossip.

 

But you need to remember, this woman NEVER was attracted to you romantically and she never will be, so let this go and don't mess up your current relationship. You need to have no exposure. Your goal is to stop caring about what she's doing or what she thinks about you.

[nolanola]

OP, I know these feelings. It's been a little over a year since my ex crushed my heart. It still hurts some but I have gotten so much better through NC. Specifically, not only not speaking to him but also avoiding social media like the plague. That has been enormously healing.

 

I still sometimes have those negative thought spirals, where I replay everything that he or I said to each other at the end. I still can't make sense of the things he said. But one thing that is different in the past few months is that I refuse to let myself go there. In some ways, sitting in those feelings and just tearing myself up is a place of comfort: I am good at it. I've been doing it for months since our breakup. It takes a lot of effort to redirect myself and it's a very deliberate choice. I tell myself "You deserve better. He was never going to give you the love you wanted and he was stringing you along." Then I consciously redirect my thoughts.

 

It takes work, like any bad habit you want to change. When it hurts to keep doing the same negative things, you will change it. You can start with just taking notice of these times. You probably have triggers that you might not have noticed yet. For me, when I have a lot of down time, I can go into a negative thought spiral. So I try to keep busy and I made a list of things I could do when I feel myself going there (take a walk, call a friend, go walk around the craft store, etc).

 

The other thing I would say is to be kind to yourself. It's ok to still be healing 15 months later. Having your heart broken and your trust broken (especially with those cruel things she said) is devastating and it will take time for you to be ok. If you can do things to heal yourself (NC, redirecting your thoughts, reminding yourself of what you deserve) you WILL HEAL. I promise.

[scooby-philly]

 

I still sometimes have those negative thought spirals, where I replay everything that he or I said to each other at the end. I still can't make sense of the things he said.

 

I tell myself "You deserve better. He was never going to give you the love you wanted and he was stringing you along." Then I consciously redirect my thoughts.

 

You probably have triggers that you might not have noticed yet. For me, when I have a lot of down time, I can go into a negative thought spiral. So I try to keep busy and I made a list of things I could do when I feel myself going there (take a walk, call a friend, go walk around the craft store, etc).

 

The other thing I would say is to be kind to yourself. It's ok to still be healing 15 months later. Having your heart broken and your trust broken (especially with those cruel things she said) is devastating and it will take time for you to be ok.

 

Sliced up the previous response because I think it's 100% spot on from what you described OP (and too be honest and transparent - what I needed to hear today)

 

Even after our hearts have really started to heal, depending on the relationship and the dynamics of the break up, our minds want to replay things. If you were conditioned by childhood to blame yourself for things and/or have lower self-esteem those things can easily exacerbate feelings that are natural in a breakup.

 

Being able to catch yourself starting to spiral or feel depressed is important. Spiraling doesn't serve anyone any good. But as the last responder said - you have to be active about catching it and redirecting it.

 

That's solid advice - not just the knowing/learning/uncovering what your triggers are but coming up with things to do that you can do anywhere anytime (or a big list that you can pull out quickly and see what's appropriate) so that you don't spiral and that you don't get "stuck"

 

And that last bit of advice is also spot on - loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and being patient with yourself is all important in the recovery process. You cannot fault yourself for loving someone OP or for trying. Relationships don't turn into marriages that last 10,20,50 years if both parties aren't open, vulnerable, and honest (okay - HEALTHY marriages lol)....so don't knock yourself. Just take what lessons you can learn - about you, your happiness, your wants, what you need in a relationship and partner, maybe a thing or two you can do better or differently, etc., and apply it to the next relationship.