Is it reasonable for me to be upset?

[h0000]

First guess is maybe 5% from you after 2 months is too little and he's wondering if you actually like him much at all. So he backed down a bit and see if you will step up.But you didnt. He may be thinking he should cut his losses and move on now

[Inspire]

This was my thought too. It sounds like many of your actions only mirrored his. If you really like this guy why aren't you initiating more and putting up the same level of effort. If he had a suspicion that he was into you more then you were into him then you may have just confirmed his suspicions instead of proving him wrong. Now isn't the time to back down, step up!

[NomiMalone]

Thank you all of you for the varied but equally valid and insightful replies. Appreciate all the different points of view and I’ve taken all of them on board. Goes to show that what’s normal and acceptable behaviour to some could be a potential cause for concern to others.

 

So just a little update - I called him this morning and asked how he was feeling, then said in a happy, playful tone, “well if you’re feeling better then we’re definitely seeing the show right?” (Thank you @ChatroomHero!) He said yes, he thought he’d confirmed, and apologised for not being clear.

 

@Zinging and @lotsgoingon, your posts really made a lot of sense to me, thank you. I definitely think something is up. Guess I’ll find out tonight when we meet up. For now though, I’m putting it mainly down to him just being sick. Just because I still reach out and am affectionate in my texts when I’m sick doesn’t mean that others will too. It seems like he’s the type to retreat into the “cave” occasionally and like Georgiapeach and hippiechick advised, I just need to be patient and give him a bit of space, which is what I have been doing.

 

@rjc and @Mrin you’re 100% right, my attachment style is anxious. As a child, home was never a safe haven for me due to a brother who was a horrible bully, a dad who was dysfunctional, and a mum who was too busy trying to support the household financially and every other way, to even think about anyone’s emotional well-being. All I ever wanted was someone to give me a hug and assure me that everything would be ok.

 

I read “Attached” by Amir Levine as an adult and it’s been an eye opener. Whenever I feel myself getting worked up, I ask myself whether my emotions would be considered reasonable to a secure person, and if the answer is no, then I know that it’s my own anxiety coming into play. For me it’s key to take the time out to assess the details (and ask here on LS) rather than shoot from the hip.

 

Mrin, thanks for the book suggestion.

 

@spiderowl, the only thing I can think of that stuck out after his birthday dinner/conversation was that the following day I felt ok to be more forward with initiating texts, and did so. Then the day after that was the first day where I heard nothing from him at all during the day, and only some obligatory, polite type texts at night. Yes we have slept together.

 

In general - Ideally, I’d check in once a day with a partner via text and that’s it. Just a little “thinking of you” or a “have a great day”. Key here is DAILY. I’m not really into asking someone how their day is via text. I’d rather ask on the phone or in person. This guy just set the tone when we started dating, with 10, 20 texts every day through to night. So when it suddenly went down to zero texts during the day, and with a different tone, it was like he became a different person, that’s how noticeable it felt to me.

Edited November 22, 2019 by NomiMalone

[Grey40]

 

This guy just set the tone when we started dating, with 10, 20 texts every day through to night. So when it suddenly went down to zero texts during the day, and with a different tone, it was like he became a different person, that’s how noticeable it felt to me.

 

You just hit the nail on the head. This was the problem. He messed up in the beginning by establishing that precedent that he was going to constantly text you and be in your presence all the time. The problem is that when he actually gets busy like he is now, you're starting to doubt and question everything. The right move would be to grow communication slowly and naturally overtime, so that as your relationship progresses so does the amount of contact. Someone might have even told him to chill on the texting and contacting because it might drive you away.

 

I would say see how he is in person. It's possible he's losing interest, but it's also possible he's suddenly a lot more busy this week than normal, and because he sent this precedent early on, it's raising issues for you. You can also bring it up to him and person and ask why he hasn't been talking as much. I don't think it's a bad move if it's really bothering you. Worst case scenario he tells you that he's no longer interested. And though that'll suck, better to find sooner than later.

[h0000]

So he used to text you day and night but now only night..I dont think it's a red flag yet. A red flag would be he doesnt even text you at night anymore.

 

These sort of things happen because life gets in the way. Jobs need to be done, dishes need to be washed. He doesnt have time to text 24/7. and you just need to be patient and time will give you the answer. Before that, relax. Also, you probably need to initiate more.

[NomiMalone]

You just hit the nail on the head. This was the problem. He messed up in the beginning by establishing that precedent that he was going to constantly text you and be in your presence all the time. The problem is that when he actually gets busy like he is now, you're starting to doubt and question everything. The right move would be to grow communication slowly and naturally overtime, so that as your relationship progresses so does the amount of contact. Someone might have even told him to chill on the texting and contacting because it might drive you away.

 

I would say see how he is in person. It's possible he's losing interest, but it's also possible he's suddenly a lot more busy this week than normal, and because he sent this precedent early on, it's raising issues for you. You can also bring it up to him and person and ask why he hasn't been talking as much. I don't think it's a bad move if it's really bothering you. Worst case scenario he tells you that he's no longer interested. And though that'll suck, better to find sooner than later.

 

There’s so much truth in this, and also in h000’s comment.

[elaine567]

You may have an anxious attachment style maybe but you probably cannot change that anytime soon.

You therefore need to seek out those who calm you and make you feel more secure, not try to tie yourself in knots trying to accept guys who are acting weird, shady or uncaring and then start blaming yourself for being "anxious".

 

There is a reason for your insecurity here.

This guy has done a 180 on you, and even the most secure person is going to think.

"Wait a minute, what is going on here?"

 

Which is the real him?

The guy who "lovebombed" you and made you feel great, or the colder guy who is making you feel upset.

Seems to me many women fall in love with the "lovebomber" and then waste their time, waiting and waiting and waiting... for his return...

[NomiMalone]

Thanks Elaine, I agree 100%. The reason I chose this guy was because I believed him to be securely-attached, based on the fact that he’s always where he says he’ll be, always on time, always called, always texted, communicated well, wasn’t afraid to be affectionate and doesn’t have a passive aggressive bone in his body. I guess time will tell. There’s been guys in the past who showed themselves to be likely avoidant early on in the piece and I quickly dropped them (one, after having hung out one day said he’d call me later to arrange to meet for dinner, but didn’t call until the next afternoon, and one who disappeared for a weekend.)

 

For me, as an anxious, I have to find a balance between being fair to the guy (asking others whether my thoughts on his actions are unreasonable), and not wasting my time with someone who’s not right for me. I once had a therapist say to me when I was younger, that she could spot an avoidant from a mile away.

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

How did the date go?

[NomiMalone]

Hi!

 

How did the date go?

 

It turned out to be a really fun night. The show was great and we went for drinks afterwards. He brought me a small gift, and explained he’d been a bit depressed the past week due to being sick, and said sorry. I also know he’s going through a few things at work right now too. Throughout the night, he was generally his usual self, but a little less cheery (he does get like that some times.)

 

I feel his explanation/apology is enough for me and think it’s best to let that last week go. I’m going to be more proactive as some suggested in initiating texts (as in text him a little text a day to let him know I’m thinking of him, not a constant stream, like he did in the beginning), but at the same time, concentrate on cultivating the other areas of my life (my 2 jobs, my friends and family, sport, self development etc)

Edited November 24, 2019 by NomiMalone

[NomiMalone]

For other ladies out there having the same issue with your partners, I found an article on an external site that discusses this. https://gettingtotruelove.com/2016/05/06/my-boyfriend-barely-ever-calls-or-texts/

 

Mods, please feel free to remove the link if this doesn’t comply with LS Policies.

[divegrl]

It turned out to be a really fun night. The show was great and we went for drinks afterwards. He brought me a small gift, and explained he’d been a bit depressed the past week due to being sick, and said sorry. I also know he’s going through a few things at work right now too. Throughout the night, he was generally his usual self, but a little less cheery (he does get like that some times.)

 

I feel his explanation/apology is enough for me and think it’s best to let that last week go. I’m going to be more proactive as some suggested in initiating texts (as in text him a little text a day to let him know I’m thinking of him, not a constant stream, like he did in the beginning), but at the same time, concentrate on cultivating the other areas of my life (my 2 jobs, my friends and family, sport, self development etc)

 

Thank you for closing the loop! I am glad you had a wonderful date. Good luck to you both!

 

Have a beautiful day my friend!!!

[NomiMalone]

Divegrl - thank you. You too!

[winny]

Well there you are! I am happy it is no major issue. I agree with those posters who said that he is settling into a more comfortable place and texting may not be as much as the initial days but as long as he is in contact and calling and meeting you and is nice in person you should not worry.

[NomiMalone]

Update:

 

So the texting situation has not improved, even know he’s completely over his cold. He didn’t text me at all the day before. Mid-morning yesterday I received what seemed like an obligatory “Hi, how’s your day?” I promptly sent back a friendly, affectionate reply (the kind of texts we used to send) and used the nickname I have for him (he has not called me by mine since before the birthday dinner). I purposely didn’t ask any questions so I wouldn’t be hurt if he didn’t reply. Early in the evening, he sent a short, typo-riddled text about something he saw on the news.

 

I’m so fed up. It’s like he’s abruptly stopped being warm and affectionate after we had our serious conversation because he no longer feels he needs to make the effort. I’d have been ok with the lack of texts if he’d just said from the get go that he’s not a texter and never love bombed me to begin with. It was his very sudden and very marked withdrawal from texting that I’m unhappy with. I just feel neglected and upset.

 

We’d planned an evening at his place and I realised, for the first time since we started dating, I have no desire to sleep with him anymore. I don’t feel connected to him at all right now.

 

I really like this guy and I’m going to sit on this and wait and see if in time I can get used to the “new him”. If not, then we might have to go our separate ways because I don’t want to feel like this every day. I also know you can’t force someone to want to contact you. (Him sending a daily obligatory text devoid of affection just to appease me would be just as disappointing.)

 

FYI, I am 34, he just turned 51 in mid November. As much as I hate and don’t believe in generalisations, could it possibly be that men and women of his generation doesn’t see texting in between dates as much of a necessity?

 

I swear if it doesn’t work out with him (which is looking more and more likely by the day), I’m going to give up on relationships. I’m genuinely way happier and more content as a single person, and I strongly believe coupledom isn’t for everyone, despite what the norm in society is.

Edited November 28, 2019 by NomiMalone

[Eternal Sunshine]

He is ooold. You can do better OP.

 

Anyhow, after all the books I read, after all the posts telling me otherwise, I can smell distancing a mile away. This early on, it's never a good sign. This has likely fizzled out so you need to trust your instincts more.

 

Many men will tell you they are looking for commitment when they are not because that's what you want to hear and men tend to be conflict avoidant (or they purposely lead you on to sleep with you).

[Twizzlestick]

There always seems to be two distinct schools of thought on LS. The school that of farms responsibilities onto “the man” and then encourages what amounts to game playing to test theories. And then there’s the (in my view more worldly wise) school that tries to take balance. Interesting reading some of the differences on here

 

For me, as a bloke. My observations. Your post is speckled frequently with emphasis on who initiates contact. Usually him. This emphasis tells a lot. I suspect whilst you’re clearly very into this chap you’ve perhaps not been contacting in a totally natural manner to how you feel, rather what you think you should be doing ie. as an when you feel like, rather allowing him to be the lead.

 

It’s quite possible he’s sniffed this out. He’s now had his chat with you but suddenly dawned on him the balance, just might be a little bit off kilter. It could be that.

 

Or! And much more likely. It could be simply he’s ill, he’s totally comfortable with you and isn’t worrying at all who texts who and what they say. That’s the best case scenario as that’s actually a really nice place to be. Ie, no games.

 

Oh, don’t ever give someone “space” by dialling back. That usually amounts to punishing rather than genuine compassion for space. People know this, they’re not born yesterday, and all it does is set up resentment and a power play. The only time you dial way off is if someone asks for it. Second guessing ends in tears before bedtime.

 

Carry on texting and do it when you want. Stop casting up on who’s doing it first or what is said. If there’s a prob it will become apparent no matter what.

[elaine567]

He's 51.

Seems to me many older guys are emotionally unavailable to women.

That is likely why their last relationships failed and why they are single.

Here I guess he made a huge effort to get you, at 34 you are a prize to a guy in his 50s, but once he knew he had you, he reverted to who he really is.

 

Your next "date" is essentially sex at his place...

Minimum effort, maximum return from his POV.

[stillafool]

I don't know if women in their 30s are still a prize to 50 year old men. I see them ghosting 30 year olds on this forum a lot lately. Maybe 20s if they can get them. Maybe these men have been hurt and no longer want to invest time and money on just one woman anymore. So they lie and duck out after sex because they see red flags they don't want to deal with and they get bored.

[h0000]

I noticed you say you would be fine with low level texting if it was set like that from the beginning, but not ok with it when it was high at first then dropped down, correct ?

 

So you dont need texts to keep up your emotions, you are just simply worrying he is losing interest, right ?

 

If he can prove his love to you in other ways, would you still need high level of texting ?

[Lotsgoingon]

Dump this guy. He faked it for a little bit of time ... lots of us can do that ... can seem consistent and present.

 

You're seeing the real him in relationship right now. You're not making this up. Whether you have your own attachment issues or not, he's disappearing. Let me continue to vanish.

 

Sorry, but he's not into you ... or ... frankly, I sense this guy may just be someone who disappears when a relationship starts to become real.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, to me the issue isn't whether or not he's feeling it anymore. It's that his communication style isn't suitable for you. It wouldn't be for me, either, and I'd dump him whether he liked me or not.

 

I don't believe his behavior has anything to do with his age. I date men who are in their sixties and have found most are quite communicative.

 

However, for a woman who doesn't need much communication he might be fine. So be it, if that's suitable for such a woman.

[Saracena]

So how are things now OP? Any updates?

[OatsAndHall]

Update:

 

So the texting situation has not improved, even know he’s completely over his cold. He didn’t text me at all the day before. Mid-morning yesterday I received what seemed like an obligatory “Hi, how’s your day?” I promptly sent back a friendly, affectionate reply (the kind of texts we used to send) and used the nickname I have for him (he has not called me by mine since before the birthday dinner). I purposely didn’t ask any questions so I wouldn’t be hurt if he didn’t reply. Early in the evening, he sent a short, typo-riddled text about something he saw on the news.

 

I’m so fed up. It’s like he’s abruptly stopped being warm and affectionate after we had our serious conversation because he no longer feels he needs to make the effort. I’d have been ok with the lack of texts if he’d just said from the get go that he’s not a texter and never love bombed me to begin with. It was his very sudden and very marked withdrawal from texting that I’m unhappy with. I just feel neglected and upset.

 

We’d planned an evening at his place and I realised, for the first time since we started dating, I have no desire to sleep with him anymore. I don’t feel connected to him at all right now.

 

I really like this guy and I’m going to sit on this and wait and see if in time I can get used to the “new him”. If not, then we might have to go our separate ways because I don’t want to feel like this every day. I also know you can’t force someone to want to contact you. (Him sending a daily obligatory text devoid of affection just to appease me would be just as disappointing.)

 

FYI, I am 34, he just turned 51 in mid November. As much as I hate and don’t believe in generalisations, could it possibly be that men and women of his generation doesn’t see texting in between dates as much of a necessity?

 

I swear if it doesn’t work out with him (which is looking more and more likely by the day), I’m going to give up on relationships. I’m genuinely way happier and more content as a single person, and I strongly believe coupledom isn’t for everyone, despite what the norm in society is.

 

 

His age might explain a lot. I imagine he was gung-ho about texting initially because he's realized that it's many people's primary form of communication. But, now that you two are exclusive and he likes where things are at, he's might be showing he dislikes texting.

 

 

 

This is something that I struggle with as well. It's almost a necessity to text with many women early on to communicate. I dislike holding conversations via text and it but I'm open with women I am dating about this from the get-go. I will chit chat here and there via text but I won't hold long conversations; I'd rather chat over the phone.

[NomiMalone]

Hi everyone, thank you once again for your replies and the perspectives. I’m so grateful for you all on here.

 

So last night (Friday) I went to his place for dinner, as we’d planned. My feelings towards him had changed, obviously, but I was really hesitant to divulge any of it to him because essentially, he’d done nothing “wrong” in texting less. I still wanted to wait and see whether things could still work with the new texting norm. I’d always really enjoyed his company, so the evening was nice all the same.

 

Tonight, however, we had plans to grab a quick bite, followed by a movie. But when I went to pick him up (his car’s at the mechanic’s) he said he was still feeling off from his cold and suggested watching something on Netflix and getting UberEats instead, his shout. My heart sank, but I said ok.

 

As soon as we were settled on his couch and the movie started, he began making moves. It was clear he had no interest in watching the movie at all. I tried to jokingly tell him to “be good” cos I wanted to watch the movie. He replied with something lame along the lines of “but you’re so beautiful I can’t resist.” At that point, I was going to cry, so I actually stood up and left. He looked surprised. (I was soooo thankful I’d driven there and my car was parked outside!) He called me but I ignored it, then he texted to ask if I was OK. When I got home, I wrote back yes, and that was it. Tomorrow morning when my thoughts are a bit clearer I’ll call and let him know I’m done.

 

I’m so upset, and at the same time so angry at myself, and embarrassed about being such a fool, for having agreed to stay in, for everything. I swear that, judging from the first 6 weeks of dating him, I’d never have guessed he could behave like that. He seemed so genuine, affectionate and kind. (Apart from the texting thing, the only small alarm bells were from a few comments he made about his ex-wife that made me think he lacked empathy.)

 

But part of me is relieved to be rid of him, of the last 2 horrible weeks. I guess the sadness I’m feeling is sadness for the loss of what I thought we had, for the person (I thought) he was at the beginning. (And god, was he good looking!)

 

I’m going to try not to beat myself up about this disastrous “relationship” and chalk it up to experience, and having learnt some lessons from it.