NomiMalone Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 So I’ve been dating a guy for almost 2 months. Things have been great and we’ve been meeting up a few times a week. We send flirty texts to each other daily, with him initiating 95% of the time. Last Thursday was his birthday and after going for dinner, we had the most open, candid conversation we’ve had so far about future plans. We were both on the same page about wanting commitment (him initiating, seeming very genuine, and me agreeing.) He suggested we go to a show the Friday after (tomorrow evening now). 2 days after his birthday however, I felt things between us change quite tangibly. Firstly, he no longer texted me during the day, only in the evenings, so we’d go the whole day without texting. He no longer called me by the nickname he has for me, and the texts were no longer flirty, just “how was your day” type texts. I knew he’d come down with a cold so I just put it down to him not feeling well. I also gave him space by not replying for hours, and not calling. (Which led to him sending even more texts, but still not our usual type of texts.) Then, today, I initiated the texting by asking him how he was feeling, and suggested that we didn’t have to go to the show tomorrow night if he wasn’t feeling up to it, we could just have a bite at mine. He replied that he was feeling way better, with a smiley emoji. No mention about the show at all. This was half an hour ago. I’m beyond crushed by his sudden change of demeanour. I haven’t replied. I just needed to know what our plans for tomorrow night were. I don’t care if we go to the show or not. I do realise there’s a school of thought out there that believes men retreat into these “caves” or whatever when they need space, and we women are supposed to patiently wait for them to come out. But I personally don’t think that’s acceptable behaviour for an adult. Surely he’d know I’d be hurt. No one will never know the real reason for his change of behaviour. But what I want to know is - do you think it’s reasonable for me to be upset over this?
schlumpy Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Have you ever wanted something badly only to discover that actually having it was anticlimactic? That the real excitement was fantasizing about how things would be and what you would do when the object of your desires was within your grasp. That the real thrill is in the chase. After successfully participating in bringing the relationship to a new stage, he sounds deflated and unsure as to what the next step is. He's accomplished his goal and had not given any thought as to what was beyond. It's also called cold feet. 5
Mr. Lucky Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 I’m beyond crushed by his sudden change of demeanour. Seems a huge over-reaction. He still texts you multiple times a day, you're still going out this weekend. Rather than judging the relationship by bits and bytes, why now wait until you've spent some time together and see how things go? Falls in the category of "looking for problems" ... Mr. Lucky 8
Kelliousme Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Don't jump the gun. You guys came to a mutual agreement and are on the same page in terms of committing to one another right? PERHAPS he feels you guys are more stable now and he doesn't need to text you every morning. Another thought, he was the sick, so makes sense if he texts less. You should've initiated MORE and showed more concern. From his perspective, you could've easily made him feel like you're giving him the cold shoulder/showing less interest. Do you hear yourself? I also gave him space by not replying for hours, and not calling. (Which led to him sending even more texts, but still not our usual type of texts.) He's still interested but you might lose him if you keep playing these games. 1
stillafool Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Maybe you should have made him homemade soup and took it over to him. Don't ask "do you want me to make you some soup"? Just say, "I made you some homemade soup for your cold, can I bring it to you?" Men love to eat. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 I've been in your shoes and I'll say this: DO NOT REACT to the changes you're noticing. Just retreat some and let him come your way on his own, if it's meant to be. If you react either with words or your actions (playing games) then it will create what one dating coach calls a downward spiral, and you will push him away. Apparently he's either going through something or conflicted about his feelings. Let him process this in his own way. You continue to live your life, see friends, go different places, etc. When he notices you are happy with him or without him, then that makes it more likely he'll come out of his shell. 5
hippychick3 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 I've been in your shoes and I'll say this: DO NOT REACT to the changes you're noticing. Just retreat some and let him come your way on his own, if it's meant to be. If you react either with words or your actions (playing games) then it will create what one dating coach calls a downward spiral, and you will push him away. Apparently he's either going through something or conflicted about his feelings. Let him process this in his own way. You continue to live your life, see friends, go different places, etc. When he notices you are happy with him or without him, then that makes it more likely he'll come out of his shell. ^^^exactly this. Your only reaction should be to pull back a little and keep living your life. Say nothing and OBSERVE without becoming too analytical or assumptive. It’s still the very early stages of your relationship. 3
PegNosePete Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Surely he’d know I’d be hurt. No. He probably thinks everything is hunky dory. If you retreat and stop communicating then it's likely he will think you're losing interest, and he will retreat also. If you both retreat then the relationship will fizzle out, even though neither of you wants it to. If you want the relationship to progress then I'd just check he's still on for the show tomorrow, and try to relax about this kind of thing. Look at the big picture rather than analysing the small details. 2
smackie9 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 maybe your candid conversation has him weighing things out and he needs time to think about it.....you will find out on your date Friday. I feel another conversation is coming.
vla1120 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Then, today, I initiated the texting by asking him how he was feeling, and suggested that we didn’t have to go to the show tomorrow night if he wasn’t feeling up to it, we could just have a bite at mine. He replied that he was feeling way better, with a smiley emoji. No mention about the show at all. This was half an hour ago. I don't see any reason for concern. You said if he wasn't feeling well, you could forego the show. He said he's feeling better (meaning you'll go to the show.) Don't do the thing where you don't respond for hours. As you can see, he started sending more and more texts, waiting for a response, obviously, so he's getting mixed signals. Relax and enjoy yourself while you see how this plays out! 1
Rockdad Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 I do realise there’s a school of thought out there that believes men retreat into these “caves” or whatever when they need space, and we women are supposed to patiently wait for them to come out. But I personally don’t think that’s acceptable behaviour for an adult. Surely he’d know I’d be hurt. You and a host of the female population do not care for this common male trait however that is the way it is. It's almost like it's in the DNA as it is a common female trait to have the need to over talk and analyze things into the ground but that's the way it is. 1
rjc149 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 (edited) My take: OP, you seem to have an anxious attachment style, being hyper-vigilant and sensitive to any signs, whether real or perceived, of distancing or rejection. You were getting wonderful amounts of reassurance and emotional validation by him texting you 95% of the time, which as an anxiously attached woman, you love and crave. Now that the faucet has been dialed down to a thin stream, you're perceiving this as distancing. You're panicking. After the relationship became official, there's a feeling of security on his end. He doesn't feel the need to love-bomb you anymore. A simple "hey how are you" in the evening suffices as relationship maintenance in his mind. This is often how men think. And it often alienates and frustrates their anxiously-attached girlfriends, who require a warmer, more affectionate, and more constant mode of communication to feel safe and reassured in the relationship. There's a possibility that he's also testing you to see if you're 50/50 in this relationship, not 5/95. Stillafool above suggested making him soup and offering to bring it to him. That's a great idea IMO. Don't give him the silent treatment. Don't make him guess why you're upset. Don't play games with him. Be real with him and your feelings for him. Edited November 21, 2019 by rjc149 2
lurker74 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Hey OP, you're instincts are right. He's detaching. It's sad but it happens and shouldn't be a reflection of you. Sometimes the feeling just dissipates. I am sorry that you have to go through it but we all do at some point on this forum. 1
kendahke Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Expectations are future resentments under construction. Keep yours in check because they're going to cause you to mess thing up unnecessarily. Don't borrow trouble and don't write a dramatic script. There is nothing here to base your wigging out on. Relationships that progress do not remain stuck in just one emotional gear... now that you two have agreed on some things, the relationship is now putting down roots for stability. You're wanting to yank all the new growth out because he's not troweling on the sweetie-talk to your expectations. Check your expectations. 2
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 @rjc "Women" in general often need a "a warmer, more affectionate, and more constant mode of communication to feel safe and reassured in the relationship." So why do "men" in general think that a quick "Hi" text will suffice, when it rarely or ever does... Why do "men" persist with this rubbish style of communication that alienates them from the women they are hoping to form a relationship with...? She was on cloud nine with the flirty texts and the "connection", now she is questioning the whole relationship. 1
Mrin Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 My take: OP, you seem to have an anxious attachment style, being hyper-vigilant and sensitive to any signs, whether real or perceived, of distancing or rejection. You were getting wonderful amounts of reassurance and emotional validation by him texting you 95% of the time, which as an anxiously attached woman, you love and crave. Now that the faucet has been dialed down to a thin stream, you're perceiving this as distancing. You're panicking. After the relationship became official, there's a feeling of security on his end. He doesn't feel the need to love-bomb you anymore. A simple "hey how are you" in the evening suffices as relationship maintenance in his mind. This is often how men think. And it often alienates and frustrates their anxiously-attached girlfriends, who require a warmer, more affectionate, and more constant mode of communication to feel safe and reassured in the relationship. There's a possibility that he's also testing you to see if you're 50/50 in this relationship, not 5/95. Stillafool above suggested making him soup and offering to bring it to him. That's a great idea IMO. Don't give him the silent treatment. Don't make him guess why you're upset. Don't play games with him. Be real with him and your feelings for him. This x1000. Spot on. OP: suggestion - read Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin. It is the best thing you can do for yourself, and this budding relationship.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 You have noticed three changes in his texting: he responds less and he is less flirty and he doesn't use the nickname he'd been using until now. And he hasn't told you about any change in feelings or of anything going on in his life that would be distracting him. You are quite right to be worried and alarmed. Those changes are real and you are smart and sharp to notice them. Yes, you probably want to pretend this sudden distance means nothing. Let's be real though: How can a sudden change like this mean nothing? I think this has to do with him and some anxiety that has surfaced once you guys had this talk about making things more serious. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 do you think it’s reasonable for me to be upset over this? No I do not. You have only known this man for 60 days. He stepped it up in the beginning but nobody can keep up that level of contact he was showing you. Now that he knows you two are solid, he felt comfortable enough to stop smothering you. Just because we have the ability to be in constant contact 24/7/365 does not mean we have the obligation to do so. On top of that the guy was sick. Give him a break. It's only been a week since things "changed." Nothing of substance changed & you are opening yourself up to a world of hurt if you actually think you can measure the quality of a relationship by the frequency of text messaging or how long it takes somebody to respond. People have lives & jobs. Yes, he gave you ridiculous amounts of attention in the beginning but that was artificial. If he's still basically a good guy who texts you in the evenings & treats you well, calm down & be happy that you have a positive relationship. This need for constant reassurance throughout the day is unattractive & clingy. Back off. 4
Redhead14 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 @rjc "Women" in general often need a "a warmer, more affectionate, and more constant mode of communication to feel safe and reassured in the relationship." So why do "men" in general think that a quick "Hi" text will suffice, when it rarely or ever does... Why do "men" persist with this rubbish style of communication that alienates them from the women they are hoping to form a relationship with...? She was on cloud nine with the flirty texts and the "connection", now she is questioning the whole relationship. Yes, it's true most women need a little "more" and not every women does. Guys don't get it, usually, because the woman is doing exactly what the OP is doing. Spinning her concerns around in her head instead of have a conversation about what "works" for her. She should communicate with him in a non-confrontational way and let him know she appreciates it when he texts her often or whatever. In this particular scenario though, it's just once so far, so she should chillax and see if it becomes a pattern. For now, it's just a blip. 2
kendahke Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 My take: OP, you seem to have an anxious attachment style, being hyper-vigilant and sensitive to any signs, whether real or perceived, of distancing or rejection. You were getting wonderful amounts of reassurance and emotional validation by him texting you 95% of the time, which as an anxiously attached woman, you love and crave. Now that the faucet has been dialed down to a thin stream, you're perceiving this as distancing. You're panicking. After the relationship became official, there's a feeling of security on his end. He doesn't feel the need to love-bomb you anymore. A simple "hey how are you" in the evening suffices as relationship maintenance in his mind. This is often how men think. And it often alienates and frustrates their anxiously-attached girlfriends, who require a warmer, more affectionate, and more constant mode of communication to feel safe and reassured in the relationship. There's a possibility that he's also testing you to see if you're 50/50 in this relationship, not 5/95. Stillafool above suggested making him soup and offering to bring it to him. That's a great idea IMO. Don't give him the silent treatment. Don't make him guess why you're upset. Don't play games with him. Be real with him and your feelings for him. Exactly on point.
rjc149 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 (edited) @rjc "Women" in general often need a "a warmer, more affectionate, and more constant mode of communication to feel safe and reassured in the relationship." So why do "men" in general think that a quick "Hi" text will suffice, when it rarely or ever does... Why do "men" persist with this rubbish style of communication that alienates them from the women they are hoping to form a relationship with...? She was on cloud nine with the flirty texts and the "connection", now she is questioning the whole relationship. Some men don't like constant texting throughout the day. I surely don't. For me, the phone is mainly for utilitarian purposes. It doesn't mean I'm not wildly attracted to her and thinking about her. It just means I don't like ceaseless text banter. After a point, there's a sense of comfort and security in the relationship after the honeymoon phase where getting texts is no longer as exciting, and no longer feels necessary or natural. At that point, you're just checking in on each other when physically apart. I think that's how OP's boyfriend is starting to see things. Of course, more avoidant men who do not understand their anxiously-attached girlfriends will be clueless as to why she is so upset at not getting a 'good morning' text, or at the texts becoming less frequent and flirty. It doesn't mean he's losing interest in her, it just means he's losing interest in his obligation to the constant text dialogue. Edited November 21, 2019 by rjc149 4
ChatroomHero Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 He's probably backing off, a bit more secure in where you stand, not needing to communicate as much to trade validation. Seems like a normal progression. The one thing I don't understand is a lot of times you can find out where you stand or confirm suspicions in 2 seconds, yet you didn't. All you had to do was text back, "So feeling better means we are going to the show or you come over here or no?". If he responds directly yes or no, you're all set. If you get another evasive answer, your suspicions are confirmed to some level. So when you are sitting there stewing about why he didn't clearly answer or indicate and thinking up all the reasons he wouldn't be clear if he was planning to get together with you or not, you could have easily bypassed all that and just ask him straight up. It may be bad communication on his part either intentional or not, but it definitely is bad communication on your part for not asking for clarification. It makes me wonder if you didn't ask purely out of fear that you'd get some level of confirmation you didn't want to get. 4
Ami1uwant Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 There could be two different things 1. You bonded, he took next step and felt you were safe. 2. You let a skeleton out and he is running 1
Zinging Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 (edited) While I cannot claim to be an expert in dating, I don't think it is like most seem to believe i.e. that he's backing off since he's secure after the 'talk'. I am in agreement with Schlumpy and Lotsgoingon - something is up. If he was secure after the talk, there'd be the e-glow of having a new official relationship in his texts. But, from what you've written all of it has abruptly gone missing! Sure he might not be the typical texter, and one would expect frequency to eventually drop off in all relationships - but it happens steadily, if not gradually. Not suddenly, over a weekend. Sure he might not be in the mood because he had a cold. But that would translate to reduced frequency and moany texts. Not curt short replies with the diplomatic ":)" smiley. And a smooth-dater like you make him out to be, definitely knows that he's been avoiding the question you'd asked about Friday plans. The man-cave is a holy place for men, but generally after a few hours... at the max a day or two, they like to emerge from it and get back with their close ones. And none of the above would explain why he'd stop addressing you with the nickname he used to address you with. 1) With the 'talk' and being in the non lovey-dovey zone of ill-health, I gather he has been reevaluating this relationship and is having doubts. He might have gathered that he's not feeling it anymore now that the thrill of the chase is over. 2) Or, this is his passive-aggressive way of letting you know that he doesn't like the 95%/5% balance. (though one would have to wonder... if one partner was initiating 95% of time several times a day, it does leave lesser opportunity for the other partner to initiate at all). 3) Something bad's happened workwise/family-wise. Perhaps he's suffering from a depressive phase that he doesn't feel comfortable enough discussing about, with you. 3) Is there something 'dark' he might have found out about you? His behaviour could also be reflective of uncommunicated resentment or hurt. Maybe a misunderstanding that might have been mistakenly perpetrated by a common friend? 4) Failing all this, I can only think of the proverbial return of the ex! I don't know what you've done from your end to reach out to him, and I hope you have done your share of showing him he's special... but following this development, for the interim, maybe follow what Georgiapeach has recommended. Give him space briefly, but don't disappear - let him know you're there. Whatever your frequency, be regular at it and be proactive/enthusiastic/earnest when you do reach out. Don't play the 'game'. If you both manage to iron out whatever this issue is, I would urge you to initiate more in future. If you are not the type to text much, be very engaged in the few texts you send in day or two... not just general/causal "Hi... Wyd... etc..." and show you care in ways you can... the soup example was ideal... proactively setting up dates... etc Wishing you all the best. Edited November 21, 2019 by Zinging 3
spiderowl Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Did anything out of the ordinary happen during/near his Birthday? Have you guys slept together? He may have got a bit concerned if you seemed too keen to be in a committed relationship. It could just be fear of feeling trapped whereas before he was doing the chasing to didn't consider that. I would just back off a bit and let him mull it over, maybe go and do other things for a while. If he thinks you are not pressuring him and not about to put him on a lead, he may come to you again.
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