anxiety_aerial Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 To add some backstory, my girlfriend and I have been together for quite some time right now. And we love each other a lot. There has been something going on lately. Not too long ago, there was a guy who approached to her in the summer. (online that is) and he has/had a crush on her like crazy. He thought she was beautiful and everything, so he decided to try and hangout with her. After some time, and some failed attempts of flirting, he told her these things that he liked her. She told him she was taken. I spoke with the guy 2 days ago, just to hangout as a mutual friend of ours (I did kind of consider him my friend). She eased my concerns like 2 times already that he's a normal guy, despite him hitting on her twice. She told me about the hitting on part. I simply told her, tell him you're not interested or something like that So yeah, we talked two days ago. And when I was like "well, you just need a girlfriend and you'll be good to go (if you don't have one yet)". He was like, I'm going to tell you something. And I hope you won't be mad, because I consider you as a friend and her (my gf) as my friend. He started to explain the story about him hitting on her, that she said that she was taken. And that he found out it was me. He wished us the best for the relationship. I had mad respect for this guy to tell me this. Even though I, haven't brought it up at all. I appreciated he told me this, I told him. But... He said that all of his past female friends were pretty much pulled away from him because of their boyfriends, because they considered him a "bad person". However, I assured him that it's all good. Thst there's no need to worry. And that I would like to remain friends. We even talked about his true crush on his current uni, and how he would like to approach to her and ask her out The next morning, he texted my girlfriend. Explaining that we talked, and that he complimented me so much about having a huge heart, being such a good guy and that she shouldn't let go of me. And is hoping that I'll be the only one for her. This was very surprising to hear. The only... Small little thing that I'm worried for, is that he'll try to manipulate her into ending things with me, since we are are LDR and plan on meeting every 3 months after the summer. And he's in another city. He's texting her every single day, I don't know what they are talking about... And I just have the anxiety of emotional cheating. The thing is, she has a lot of guy friends too. And I'm not concerned about any of them. Tldr: girlfriend has a new guy friend, he comes over as a good guy... But I'm a bit concerned that the large amount of communication might do harm in my relationship with her.
PegNosePete Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 all of his past female friends were pretty much pulled away from him because of their boyfriends, because they considered him a "bad person" Where there's smoke, there's fire. If all his past female friends consider him a bad person then are they all wrong? It seems much more likely that they got rid of him because he's a threat to their relationship. This is a pretty manipulative thing to say. He's pre-emptively making you feel bad about laying down a normal boundary.
Legatus Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 When somebody tells you they're considered a "bad person", I agree it sounds like they want to pre-empty any damage they might cause. "Oh but I told you I was bad, didn't I?" - game, game, once again - game.
schlumpy Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Considering your LDR situation you do have something to worry about. It's very flattering to have someone admit that they find you attractive and would like to date. The person being flattered may not return that sentiment at the moment but it does plant a seed that can grow. I believe you've made an error by being so "big hearted" with your "friends" interest in your girl friend. By bringing it all out into the open and not getting any hostile vibes, I think he will be encouraged to talk to her and hang out with her even more. After all, you know all about it now. So what's the harm? He feels his chances are much better now, then before. Your GF should have refused contact with him if she is focused on you, but maybe she likes the attention while denying it. I smell trouble in Paradise but do consider how young you are and that this girl is more then likely not who you will end up with when the mating dance is over.
PRW Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 He is being an Orbiter. Orbiters never accomplish anything. They spend time around a girl they like, but do it "as a friend" to get closer and hope that somewhere along the way she will suddenly fall in love with him and dump her BF. But they pretty much always lose,...they never get what they want, and the girl eventually figures out the sham. 1
smackie9 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 He is being an Orbiter. Orbiters never accomplish anything. They spend time around a girl they like, but do it "as a friend" to get closer and hope that somewhere along the way she will suddenly fall in love with him and dump her BF. But they pretty much always lose,...they never get what they want, and the girl eventually figures out the sham. This 100%^^^^^ he is a perpetual orbiter, and hasn't been anything else, not even a cuddle buddy. Probably never was given the opportunity to touch a girl's v*&^%$ ever. He's her gf. So what if he hopes to get with her...that's not going to happen and she knows this. She has lots of guys friends because she keeps them in the friends zone. I would be more worried if she has ex lovers hanging around being her friend.
Timshel Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 You handled this well OP, no need to not give an inch. Watch if a mile is taken...for your own benefit but don't question your instinct to be kind. Do you have women 'friends,' text/hang out and such?
snowboy91 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 The only... Small little thing that I'm worried for, is that he'll try to manipulate her into ending things with me, since we are are LDR and plan on meeting every 3 months after the summer. And he's in another city. He's texting her every single day, I don't know what they are talking about... And I just have the anxiety of emotional cheating. The thing is, she has a lot of guy friends too. And I'm not concerned about any of them. My question is - do you have a lot of female friends too? I feel it's completely natural to be concerned when your partner is spending time with someone who has had a crush on them - it's not all that different to a partner spending time with an ex. Your main concern is that she will be manipulated by this guy to leave you and end up with him. To me, that actually means more about how you perceive your GF than this other guy. You're seeing her as able to be manipulated, when as far as I can tell all the evidence is pointing towards her having strong boundaries and being faithful to your relationship. It's often quoted on here that girls are a lot better at being "just friends" with guys than the other way around - while I don't necessarily believe that guys are bad at it, my main point is she's seeing it as just a friendship, and you have to trust her on that. Have you spent time with both of them at once? That might give you an insight into their friendship dynamic that might put your mind at ease (or otherwise).
spiderowl Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 If your girlfriend enjoys the attention of this guy and wants to spend time with him, there is nothing you can do about it. You can let her know you'd rather she didn't. You can finish with her if you feel she is no longer choosing you over him. At the end of the day though it is up to her whether she takes this further or not. It does come down to whether you trust her or not. I can see why this is an uncomfortable situation though.
salparadise Posted November 22, 2019 Posted November 22, 2019 If you think that this frequent communication, encouragement, investment on the part of your girlfriend is at an expense to your relationship, you would be wrong. She's getting part of her needs met though this association, needs that you should have an exclusive on meeting for her. He's getting a big slice of her emotional energy. Merely the fact that it makes you uneasy changes how things are. They must sharing some intimate things, or do you think they're just talking about bicycles and stuff? Orbiters may not be first line alphas, but they absolutely have the ability to make things complicated... and sometimes they may strike gold. This guy knew how to say all the right things to you, didn't he? She should be putting him on the back-back burner if she values your relationship. I don't see it so much a matter of trust as appropriateness and decorum. But who knows.
Timshel Posted November 22, 2019 Posted November 22, 2019 Well, yes to all of this ^^, keeping in mind they're 20.
Recommended Posts