He Won't Marry Me

[Ladybuggirl]

Hello everyone. I'm new here and need help. I apologize if this gets long. My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for 7 years. To be quite blunt, it's getting to s*it or get off the pot. We live 100 miles from each other. He works as a cop and I will graduate from grad school in May.

 

I don't know what to do. He won't really talk about the subject other than saying "I want to marry you" and "i'm going to get you a ring" though I really think both are said just to satisfy me. I need to start looking for a job but I really don't know where to look because I don't know if we are going to be together or not. Also, I have had really bad female problems in the past that could keep me from having children if I don't start working on that pretty soon. We both want children and he knows all this.

 

I feel like he's stalling me until he can figure out what to do. How can someone you've dated this long not know if they want to marry you or not? Doesn't that mean the answer is no? Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't know if he wants me or not, but knows that he doesn't want anyone else to have me.

 

I'm confused, hurt, and frustrated. Someone please help. Thanks.

 

Mary

[spicybrown]

Hello everyone. I'm new here and need help. I apologize if this gets long. My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for 7 years. To be quite blunt, it's getting to s*it or get off the pot. We live 100 miles from each other. He works as a cop and I will graduate from grad school in May.

 

I don't know what to do. He won't really talk about the subject other than saying "I want to marry you" and "i'm going to get you a ring" though I really think both are said just to satisfy me. I need to start looking for a job but I really don't know where to look because I don't know if we are going to be together or not. Also, I have had really bad female problems in the past that could keep me from having children if I don't start working on that pretty soon. We both want children and he knows all this.

 

I feel like he's stalling me until he can figure out what to do. How can someone you've dated this long not know if they want to marry you or not? Doesn't that mean the answer is no? Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't know if he wants me or not, but knows that he doesn't want anyone else to have me.

 

I'm confused, hurt, and frustrated. Someone please help. Thanks.

 

Mary

Let's narrow this down: It's not the financial-he's a cop, it could be the distance. Why doesn't he transfer his job? Cops are in demand the world over! You should just get over it and start your life as a single woman, give him an ultimatum, and be firm about it. Check his marital status, perhaps he has another woman giving him an ultimatum, leaving him confused. It's time for you to take control of the situation and call the shots, because he obviously has no clue what commitment is all about. How old are you all?

[slubberdegullion]

This confuses me.

 

Is there a particular reason you simply don't move in together? What's so magical about the word "marriage" that causes such angst?

 

Giving him an ultimatum - marriage or nothing - is a surefire way to lose this guy forever. Talk to him. Tell him your feelings but keep it factual. Getting all weepy and emotional with him will cause more harm than good. For instance:

 

You: It's time for me to start looking for a job.

He: Good.

You: I'

m

not sure, though. Should I look for a job in (his town) or (your town)?

He: Well, I don't know. Where do you want to live?

You: I want to live with you.

He: Well, then, it would probably be better if you looked for a job in (his town).

 

Point is, if you approach the situation without bringing up the whole marriage thing, and keep it factual instead of emotional, you'll have a better chance of success. After all, you're simply trying to focus your job search.

 

Good luck!

[loony]

How can someone you've dated this long not know if they want to marry you or not?

Ok, and I wonder how you can stay for so long with someone who keeps putting the talk about marriage off for such a long time. I hope you haven't become a clingy and desperate doormat for him, because that might be the reason why he doesn't want to talk with you about marriage, he doesn't see you as his long-term partner. You can't force him to talk about this stuff, but you should be able to show him some competence in dealing with such a difficult topic as this seems to be something that people seek in a long-term partner, the ability and confidence to deal with difficult tasks.