notthatintome Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 My ex and I had a really bad break up and it got really messy. The breakup was forced upon us and happened quite suddenly - there wasn't one person who instigated up but things had been going badly for a while. I felt really let down by him and I put all the stops out for him never to contact me again and to eliminate any chance of reconciliation. I knew it was what I had to do to get over him. I was devastated and heartbroken after the breakup, I didn't know one could feel that awful. He seemed to be unaffected and moved on easily; he dated someone within a month. When I learnt this, I tried to distract myself by seeing someone who wasn't right for me for 6 months. But this was the worse thing I could have done as I was still in love with my ex and completely broken hearted. We broke up too but have remained good friends. After that, I dated a couple more (just one date) but I never felt the same as I was still holding a torch for my ex even though I hadn't seen or spoken to him for 6 months. It has only been the last couple of months I felt i was starting to get over it and move on. Over the last couple of months I have seen him more and it seemed like he was trying to get my attention. I noticed he had been on my social media a few times too. Then I bumped into him in town last week and he seemed genuinely happy to see me, it seemed like he still liked me and it was a lovely conversation. There was part of me that hoped we would get back together - I don't even know why I felt this. Then I bumped into him again, on our year anniversary of the break up. This time he was so angry with me and listed all the ways in which I let him down and that we could have got back together but because so much happened, he told me it could never be. He said he fell out of love with me straight away, found it easy to sleep with someone else straight away and then someone else for several months (and then a few more). That hurt a bit but I managed to keep calm. He said there is no way he loves me now. And he was angry about the guy I was seeing. He asked me if I loved him and I said there will always be a little part of my heart that loves him, but not enough to do anything about it. When I said that i saw vulnerability in his eyes as he held my gaze but soon became defensive again. I told him to put closure on this and to either be friendly or ignore me for now on. He got into his car and drove away but before he went, he shouted out that he drove away from me a year ago and he is driving away from me again. Not really knowing how to respond, I just replied 'love you' in a jovial manner. And there it was, a year on and we were still arguing about the break up. Actually it was the first break up conversation we ever had! He was angry, I wasn't. I still love him but also know it can never be. It was clear he blames me for everything, which is a little far fetched, and is not taking responsibility for anything. I miss his lovely traits but this side of him I do not miss. Why after all this time did this happen? I am wondering will there ever be a time that I will be over him? Why was he nice one day and then completely the opposite the next day? Why did he move on easily and now he wants my attention? Sometimes when I understand a situation, it helps me accept it and move on. I just don't understand his behaviour over the last year!
schlumpy Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 You recognized it yourself at the beginning of your post, "He seemed to be unaffected and moved on easily." As easily as he moved out - he can just as easily move back in. Usually, I would remark that he said the things he did because he is hurt seeing you with someone else, but in his case I think it's just ego. He is hurt because you are not prostrate with grief at his absence and have not been waiting for his return. In his mind he is worth waiting for. I wish you a speedy recovery. Although your heart is still someone engaged you did not allow your emotions to betray you. I think you have given everything you have to this relationship and it's time to shut the door for good and throw away the key. Open your heart to someone who recognizes how special you are. 1
Author notthatintome Posted November 20, 2019 Author Posted November 20, 2019 Thank you for your reply. 'unaffected and moved on easily' - this is how he deals with everything. But at the time of when we broke up, it did really hurt and I had to accept it. Thank you for your kind words - I do feel like I have let myself down. Firstly because I engaged in a conversation with him. Secondly, because I am still not over him after all this time. Lastly because despite him saying horrible things, I was honest and said how I felt. He gave me anger and saying I wasn't good enough, I gave him love - honesty isn't always the best. I kept my emotions because I know this relationship can never be. My head knows that, I just wish my heart would keep up. It's so sad how someone you loved never loved you and that all of this is just a feast for their ego. Do you think this is the final hurdle and I will finally move on?
Beachead Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 (edited) Hi notthatintome, Can you share some more details about your relationship from the point it started to go bad right up to the end? What happened during the months leading to the breakup that you feel eventually lead to the breakup itself? Who decided to end it? If I can get a clearer picture on that, then I can likely tell you what happened on his end. - Beach Edited November 20, 2019 by Beachead
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 I'm confused by your statements that it can never be & that the break up was forced upon you. Don't you have free will? If neither of you wanted to break up why did you? Is there any possible that whatever caused the break up could be resolved? It's one thing to end things because somebody lost feelings or cheated but I don't have a good handle on why you broke up. Without that I can't give you any opinion about what to do next. Now though it does seem like he's mad because you didn't fight hard enough to stay together. That may be on you.
Highndry Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 The kind of people who easily move in or easily move on are not good long-term partners. They are shallow, and oftentimes aren't even able to love. They are needy emotional vampires who suck the life out of relationships as they're trying to fill a bottomless pit. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 I don't know about that HighnDry. They guy may just be saving face & not announcing now broken up he was. Doesn't make him an emotional vampire.
Inspire Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 As painful as it seems, his dating someone else within a month only suggests that she was a rebound and that he may also have been trying to occupy himself from dealing with the emotional loss by dating someone else. He still has feelings for you, just as you do for him. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. He is in the anger stages of your post breakup. Do you think this is the final hurdle and I will finally move on? That's hard to say. Sometimes closure comes with confronting the thing we've been hiding from. Once our rose tinted glasses are off, we can now more clearly see where we are from the outside in. "Now I see you like everyone else" ... He was very contradictory in his statements. He said he fell out of love with me straight away, found it easy to sleep with someone else straight away and then someone else for several months (and then a few more). That hurt a bit but I managed to keep calm. He said there is no way he loves me now. This time he was so angry with me and listed all the ways in which I let him down and that we could have got back together but because so much happened, he told me it could never be. If he had fallen out of love with you straight away and found it so easy to sleep with all these other people, then he would be indifferent and he wouldn't ask if you loved him or not. What is crazy is that he had hoped or expected you say you did after confessing all of that to you.
kendahke Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 I think when you stop giving lip service to being over him and really get down in the trenches of your feelings and do the hard work at resolving them so you can move on, that's when you'll get over him. As long as he can check on you on social media and as long as you leave avenues open for him to stalk you and contact you in the future, no--this is going to go on way longer than it needs to---and it will an unforced error on your part because you're trying to machine his reaction instead of just leaving him alone and getting on with your life.
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