What Option Should I Take To Try And Solve My Dating Woes?

[GuitarGuy7]

It just feels like it’s mostly women who treat me this way. Men are a lot more receptive towards me in general, I find it much easier to connect with men. Talking to girls can make me feel on edge because I’m so used to them being cold and sometimes even rude towards me.

 

 

Also I don’t understand why these two girls in the club act so cold towards me considering that they’re both in a position of power. One is the president while the other is another exec board member. Usually people in a position of power would want to be friendly and make you feel welcome as it’s good for keeping people around, not trying to act cold and stuck up towards you. But then again, they’re a bunch of 20 year old girls and I guess in their eyes I’m just the weird creepy guy who’s only talking to them because I wanna get in their pants.

[d0nnivain]

GuitarGuy

 

College girls especially when there are more then 1 together aren't always the kindest or most sensitive people. I'm sorry they were rude to you. It sounds like you behaved appropriately.

[Garcon1986]

have you reflected yet on why you were relaxed around that one woman and why that one woman was relaxed around you?

[GuitarGuy7]

have you reflected yet on why you were relaxed around that one woman and why that one woman was relaxed around you?

 

 

Hmmm, I have a few reasons why she could have been receptive towards me.

 

1. We share a mutual friend. Generally speaking, we are more likely to like and trust someone who has been approved by others, especially if it’s by someone who we consider to be a friend or someone we look up to. This is the concept of social proof. And since we share a mutual friend, this may be why she was more trustful of me. Where’s at this school club that I’m in, I don’t know anybody and I am kind of an unknown.

 

 

2. I probably came off as friendly and relatively normal, I simply asked her questions to keep the conversation going without too many awkward silences.

 

 

3. She has a husband and she mentioned him early on but it didn’t change the way I talked to her, I just continued to have normal conversations with her. This lets my intentions known that I wasn’t talking to her just because I’m trying to hit her up.

 

4. She’s a naturally friendly person.

 

5. While she is fairly attractive, her husband on the other hand is a fat gamer. This tells me that she probably values other qualities in someone as well besides their looks.

[Garcon1986]

then what is holding you back from copying this relaxed body language to other people?

[Envy123]

I assumed a couple of women were off-limits on two separate occasions and spoke to them in said relaxed manner. Turned out that they were not and have fallen for me.

 

Maybe you can do the same with other women, GG7? Assume every woman you speak to, is off-limits romantically and with less pressure on that front, the both of you would likely become more comfortable with one another. Romance is not guaranteed, but at least it increases your chances.

[elaine567]

This rudeness is a wall young women put up when around guys they are not interested in dating.

Women quickly learn that if they give a guy an inch he will take a mile.

Once they show interest some men may not take no for an answer easily and it can get ugly.

So instead of letting it get that far and then be accused of leading him on, she shuts it all down almost immediately.

 

The club.

These girls showed no interest not even a Hi and you ignored that important social cue which said "Leave me alone I am not interested in talking right now", you persisted. You butted into their conversation to little result until they got annoyed..

The initial rebuttal may have had nothing to do with you whatsoever, they merely may have busy with other stuff, they may have been a bad mood or preoccupied or anxious about other things...

 

The friendly wife

The married woman can relax as she is safe, you know she is married.

She doesn't need to act defensively, put up a wall or "shut you down"

[GuitarGuy7]

I’m not even interested in dating either of them. I certainly don’t want to date someone who acts like a total bit and seems very high strung. The reason why I’m talking to them is to simply practice talking to girls and yeah, it would be nice to have women be friendly to me in return.

 

 

They probably think that I’m trying to hit them up like the one person above me said, so they put up a wall.

[Garcon1986]

Guitarguy can you commit to getting to know the local women at your stores/ coffee shops/ museums and chatting them up at least 3 times a week?

[ZA Dater]

Guitarguy can you commit to getting to know the local women at your stores/ coffee shops/ museums and chatting them up at least 3 times a week?

 

While this is admirable and perhaps serves some purpose I never found doing this has any benefit in my ability to communicate with the relate to potential dates so if the OP views this is communicating that's find but I don't feel it would really benefit him hugely when it comes to dating.

[elaine567]

The reason why I’m talking to them is to simply practice talking to girls and yeah, it would be nice to have women be friendly to me in return.

 

You need to choose your subjects carefully.

No point in practising talking with women who are not interested in talking to you.

Look for positive signs first and if she is monosyllabic then take the hint, make your excuses and leave her alone.

Be nice about it though. Don't make enemies, next day she may feel like talking.

[normal person]

They probably think that I’m trying to hit them up like the one person above me said, so they put up a wall.

 

If they act disgusted by your presence, decline to answer or look at you, and leave the room, it's worse than them thinking you're trying to hit on them. They might as well think you're a leper.

 

I'll take the advice given in this thread a step further, I think you need to stop trying to insert yourself into these girls' conversations and lives before you learn how to read social situations and others' perceptions of you. If you don't, I really fear it could end badly.

 

You can't figure out why it's a bad idea to ask women out indiscriminately.

You can't figure out why it's a bad idea to do a mass exploratory campaign and ask those women why they don't like you.

You can't figure out why it's a bad idea to offer to pay women to lie in a bed with you.

You can't figure out when women don't want to talk to or be around you.

 

You don't let up. If you don't stop, I worry that it's only a matter of time before you cross the line and are accused of some kind of sexual harassment or impropriety -- justified or not. In today's climate, it takes little more than a woman telling some administrator that you're making her and/or others uncomfortable (and it really seems like you are at this point) before you're in trouble. If an unsavory reputation precedes you, and it sounds very likely that it does based on what you've described, people will be happy to see you burn and to have you out of their hair. The optics of a 25 year old hanging around college girls, not knowing his limits, not knowing when people don't want to talk to him, constantly asking women out is not good.

 

I know someone with autism and every day I fear something like this will happen to him, because much like you, he can't figure out acceptable limits or read the subtext of social situations. Socially, he has hasn't developed beyond 12 years old, and that makes him horribly unequipped to navigate the minefield of adulthood; the behavior and ideas I hear from you are more reckless than anything I'd ever expect from him. You need to stop all this scheming and calculating before you take things too far and end up on a sex offender's registry. I know it sounds outlandish but it's happening, I posted some links to cases in another thread of yours.

 

Enroll in a program that helps to socialize people with autism. For the second time, here are some links I found for you:

 

https://www.autismspeaks.org/social-skills-and-autism

https://experiencecle.com/

https://www.vistalifeinnovations.org/about

Services ? Spectrum Services

https://wrongplanet.net/

 

Personally, I also think you should take it a step further and tell people you have autism if you haven't already (odds are it's blatantly obvious to everyone but you should still do it) as a preventative measure. I'm sorry, I'm just going to say the thing that everyone is thinking that no one is saying -- if the situation is as you describe, these girls you know are never going to date or sleep with you unless you can learn how to read social cues. Currently, they can barely stand to speak a word to you or be in your presence. It's a lost cause for now. I'm sorry.

 

But, if they know you have autism and you stop trying to date them or press the boundaries of the interpersonal relationships you have with them, they might be more inclined not to treat you with such disdain. They might be sympathetic and more open to talking to you and helping you learn appropriate boundaries and guidelines. Also, being openly autistic is a better defense against sexual harassment than nothing, because you honestly can say you don't know and can't understand the rules. That doesn't mean you can run around with impunity doing whatever you want -- I think you should still refrain from trying to date people -- but it means others might be inclined to cut you a little slack while you're learning the ropes of social mores. It's not going to get you what you want right now, but it might move you a little closer while everything you've been doing has been rocketing you away from your goals. Cut your losses and get into one of those socialization programs or schools. If you do that, there might be some hope for you. But until you do, you're just going to experience more of the same, and it's just going to get worse.

Edited November 22, 2019 by normal person

[GuitarGuy7]

Even though I’m almost 25, I could probably still tell people I’m 21 or 22 and it would be believable. So it’s not like I look a lot older than everyone else. A couple years down the line, I think it will be obvious I’m older than 22 and then that might be problematic.

 

So I may have another year or two before it’s obvious that im not 21 anymore. And when that happens, I’ll probably stop going to these clubs.

 

.

[Garcon1986]

Yes but have you absorbed normal persons advice and my advice yet?

[normal person]

Even though I’m almost 25, I could probably still tell people I’m 21 or 22 and it would be believable. So it’s not like I look a lot older than everyone else. A couple years down the line, I think it will be obvious I’m older than 22 and then that might be problematic.

 

But your age isn't even close to the extent of your problems. Women aren't receptive to you not only because you're old, they're largely unreceptive to you because you can't read social cues regardless of your age. Even if you were the exact age they prefer, it would be irrelevant because in terms of social development, you're a decade younger. The fact that you're even older just makes it worse. And there's a stigma of creepiness and poor development and life planning that older students face already, even without autism. This isn't something you can rationalize your way out of. You need face reality.

 

So I may have another year or two before it’s obvious that im not 21 anymore. And when that happens, I’ll probably stop going to these clubs.

 

So your solution is to continue to deceive people and hope they don't catch on.

 

People can tell how old you are. There's a difference visible between 20 and 25, and you've already put yourself under intense scrutiny. There was another poster in a similar situation who posted on here within the last year or two, he insisted that being 24 and hanging out with 18-21 year old college people in no way affected their perceptions of him because they couldn't tell how old he was. Yet, he failed miserably at every attempt at romance. When I was I college, the older students were obvious and subjected to secretive, unkind speculation about why they were an undergrad at their age. I assume it's no different for you as you've invited all sorts of attention on yourself.

 

Again, being older is not your only problem, it's not even one of your biggest ones. I'm sure there are women in the 20-25 range who could overlook your age IF you could match their social maturity. You've gotten some good advice to consider in this thread on how you can improve that skill, but your only response seems to be that it won't be a problem to continue as you have been.

 

What do you think about enrolling in a program or school that helps to socialize people with autism and better ingratiate them into the neurotypical world?

[Mysterio]

With Respect GG7. Why can't you take a break from Dating and finding love. Even if you do find it. It takes maintenance to keep it going. Will you be burnt out by the time you find True Love. Thats the question you have to ask yourself.

 

I think you should at least take 6 months off from finding love. It will clear your head. Its life. Nothing is actually ideal. Or if it is. It does not tend to last as long.

[Garcon1986]

You are being wishy washy even here on these forums GuitarGuy.

What is holding you from standing up tall and committing to the real change that you need to eventually get the results you want? You've started several threads saying the same thing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Start talking to ladies from the Philippines. Dating in the USA is pretty much a rigged game, especially for a guy like you. Hit me up if you want some more help with this.

 

GG currently isn't even able to take a road trip alone. He's nowhere near ready to travel overseas.

[ZA Dater]

Personally, I also think you should take it a step further and tell people you have autism if you haven't already (odds are it's blatantly obvious to everyone but you should still do it) as a preventative measure. I'm sorry, I'm just going to say the thing that everyone is thinking that no one is saying -- if the situation is as you describe, these girls you know are never going to date or sleep with you unless you can learn how to read social cues. Currently, they can barely stand to speak a word to you or be in your presence. It's a lost cause for now. I'm sorry.

 

But, if they know you have autism and you stop trying to date them or press the boundaries of the interpersonal relationships you have with them, they might be more inclined not to treat you with such disdain. They might be sympathetic and more open to talking to you and helping you learn appropriate boundaries and guidelines. Also, being openly autistic is a better defense against sexual harassment than nothing, because you honestly can say you don't know and can't understand the rules. That doesn't mean you can run around with impunity doing whatever you want -- I think you should still refrain from trying to date people -- but it means others might be inclined to cut you a little slack while you're learning the ropes of social mores. It's not going to get you what you want right now, but it might move you a little closer while everything you've been doing has been rocketing you away from your goals. Cut your losses and get into one of those socialization programs or schools. If you do that, there might be some hope for you. But until you do, you're just going to experience more of the same, and it's just going to get worse.

 

 

Best advice the OP will ever get in my opinion. The signs are the OP is going to push his luck too far and land up in all sorts of trouble, OP you need to the read above carefully and more than once. I and other keep telling you that there is value in simply having some sort of friend zone, why because it gives you a lot of value and you learn a LOT.

 

OP you need to stop trying to force your way into conversation, do you listen before you speak or simply just speak.

 

Mostly you need to relax, you are 25....just 25, not 35 or 55, you have time but the issue here is more you believe something about yourself which is not really backed up by fact.

 

Every single situation you find yourself in you can get value from, you need to see the positive and not the negative though.

 

I believe that ultimately you will find peace and you will find a measure of success but you need to measure that carefully. In time you mind will change, your thinking will change, your perspective will change. Mostly you will realise life being single isn't as bad as you think it is.

[Mysterio]

Once again. Why not take a break from finding love. We should all put up a post on how people met.

 

I will use a couple of friends as an example, which I have done before.

 

MK and JC. Met at a social. JC the woman was interested in MK the man before that, but stalled due to MK being involved with a woman. JC went to MK who was a Chiropracter. MK said that he did not notice her like that, until they went to a social. It just rolled from there. So that was May 1998 and they married in July of 2000 and had kids in 2003/2005. They are still married and have no major problems.

 

MO/MM. MO is my high school friend. MO mother worked for a store and I worked for her. One of our co workers was getting married and we had a wedding social for her. MM and MO worked at the other store as it was a franchise, they went to the social sepreately. on of my friends G was hitting on MM. MM/MO's co-workers did not like that and basically pushed MM/MO together and it started there in 1991. They married in 1996.

 

Those are just some examples of how people meet. In my head I think its rare that Joey sees Sara. Goes up to her. Asks her out on a date. Sara is delighted and dresses up for Joey when they do go out and is all in and gung ho about the date.

 

People usually get together in a haphazzard way. Rarley is it methodical. In my case. I don't think my LTR in the end, will be a woman that I am pursuing in a methodical way. It will be a woman I am mildley aquainted with that makes the moves on me and I will be receptive.

[Envy123]

As I recall, all of the women who I pursued refuse to speak to me anymore. But those who I treated neutrally with no expectation of a relationship happening, still like me. Like I said, I don’t think this is a coincidence.

 

Relationships build up gradually and then it’s up to both sides if romance happens.

 

I was like you, GG7. I wanted a relationship so bad that I’d have chased a thousand girls to get what I want. But I ended up burning bridges, even with the slightest chase/flirt/sign of interest, so I decided that being single is far better than constantly ruining my life’s chances to succeed.

 

It’s not even just about romance. Work/school relationships were squandered. And it’s from there, when I realised that I’d very much die childless but be able to support my family, rather than be in a relationship which I may not even like and be poor. Your constant chasing could’ve also impacted your career in some way shape or form.

 

It’s not too late to turn things around. But if you don’t, other aspects of your life may suffer due to your constant pushing of romance.

[mark clemson]

GG, I think you should go with Option 5 which is improving your social and life skills first, which is in line with many of the suggestions above.

 

You will need to do this in order to have anything beyond "random luck" success with women.

 

If option 4 hiring a dating coach can help with this, then by all means (although I think the ASD programs might serve just as well or better). If, in the meantime you must visit a prostitute, well that is your call I suppose. IF you do this, definitely go the Nevada route as it's regulated, etc + you need the life skills this trip would entail anyhow. Consider spending a week there as hotels are cheap and you could get the "whoring" out of your system a bit perhaps.

 

To date a woman, you need to act naturally/casually around her so that she feels comfortable around you. Then if she signals further interest by paying extra attn to you or some similar means, you can progress things to next steps/romantic relations. It can happen within a short timeframe, such as at a bar, but the steps still occur. This requires social skills.

 

The PUA techniques of propositioning random women only work if you're at least somewhat good looking and are in a large urban area to ask dozens of women to find that very small percent who respond to this sort of thing. Even then just who are you hooking up with. STI's, anyone?

 

The bottom line is you'll need to up your social and life skills to get what you want.

[Garcon1986]

We can help coach you, but what is a man who does not stand fearless in front of his demons?

Do you truly wish to fight for what you believe in and take the road not trodden, or do you wish to stay as you are?

 

Look in the mirror and tell the man looking back at you where you want to be in 3 years. Will ye be the same?

 

Will you stand up and fight your true fears?

[GuitarGuy7]

 

Look in the mirror and tell the man looking back at you where you want to be in 3 years. Will ye be the same?

 

 

 

Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me at all if 3 years from now, I look at myself in the mirror and i'm still a kissless virgin who's never had a girlfriend.

 

By that time, I should be better off financially, and have graduated college with a better job, so in that regards I will have improved. But it woudn't surprise me at all if i'm 28 years old and my dating life is still non-existent.

 

It's something that i'll always be miserable about. Wasting my 20s away without any sort of romantic or sexual intimacy, it will be a very miserable experience for me.

 

I wasn't designed for this... I wasn't built to be in this world alone, yet I didn't have a choice... My loneliness is my prison cell!

 

UNLESS, I go to Nevada and lose my virginity there through prostitution. Perhaps that's my way out.

[elaine567]

Ok so you go to Nevada, you have sex with a prostitute, you come home and then what?

Unless you do some hard work on your social skills, nothing will really have changed.

 

You are looking for quick fixes but there is no quick fix here.