In Sync Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 After reading so many threads I started to wonder if anyone ever really pays attention to those little red flags that are signs 'this relationship is in trouble'...I wonder have there been any of you out there that have walked away...even when you were blinded by love or infatuation. Seems like its nearly impossible until you get burned and still no one really walks away. I now know what the signs were that I ignored but I wonder just how much will power (and honesty) does it takes to really cut your loses in the beginning. Or is it denial by just giving the person a chance and that's why we stayed with might eventually hurt us. Even phrasing it that way seems pessimistic.
lynnered Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 yes ,i have many times ignored "red flags". The situation im getting over now especially. Kept giving chances . By putting another person above myself,&what i believed . I should have trusted me alot more.
bendit Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 In, I ignored scores of BRIGHT red flags in my last relationship. I realize now that I was too needy and didn't think I could do better and would rather have something bad than nothing at all. Now its just the opposite, thanks to the wrenching experience of the last relationship. I now would prefer being alone to an awful relationship any day. Or even a mediocre one! regards Mike
off2sea Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 Yeah, I'm doing it again also. Had tons of warning signs last time around, ignored them, and got burned. I find myself now in another more casual situation, but again the "little voice" inside is warning me of more disappointments to come. Do you bail or try to prepare for the inevitable?
alphamale Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 if people started paying too much attention to the "red flags" then the human race would cease to exist eventually cause no one would pro-create that is why it is best to get married and have kids when you are young and stupid....
slubberdegullion Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 ...it is best to get married and have kids when you are young and stupid.... Friggin brilliant!
Jayhawks Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 I will walk away if I am not happy with the conditions of the relationship. If I feel she is not going where I would like and she probably never will, I will end the relationship. What good is it to hang on if your not happy? How many guys will stay with a good looking gal because she is fine? We will put up with much more from someone we are very physically attracted to, just like the saying, " you'll put up with a mile of her sh*t just to be with her!". I am now to the point that I will walk away from a non-nourishing relationship and I feel good about that result. I am maturing.
lindya Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 if people started paying too much attention to the "red flags" then the human race would cease to exist eventually cause no one would pro-create Absolutely. There are always red flags. It's the ones with the skull and crossbones on them that you really have to watch out for.
JS17 Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 I have, many many times, recognized red flags and just not walked away. I still saw them and it made me be more careful, keep my eyes open more but haven't walked away. I stayed with one guy that I was dating that told me he had never been dumped...at 27, yikes. I knew it wasn't going to work out but I wasn't looking to get married so I figured I'd ride it out for whatever it was worth. There's only one red flag that I ever walk away from but I walk away as soon as I find out.
lindya Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 There's only one red flag that I ever walk away from but I walk away as soon as I find out. Are you going to spill the beans, JS17?
Opium Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 It's not that 'we' ignore the signs..it's that we are indenial that something is wrong. You try to make the best of everything and give it your all until you've had enough. Everyone has a break point, so until that point is reached most people won't read the signs that say, "get out". Especially if you've been a LTR, you just don't give up so easily. You try to work it out and discuss the problems before you end the relationship.
ReluctantRomeo Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 ... Absolutely. There are always red flags. It's the ones with the skull and crossbones on them that you really have to watch out for. Word
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 Problem is, you see the redflags and you just can't or won't believe it. Nobody in a relationship can be objective enough to realize, understand, and ACT upon the right thing to do. Alpha pretty much summed it up nicely.
Author In Sync Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 With time and distance I have come to realize just how often I ignore the early signs and foolishly thought, "he'll change" or deny the hurt I felt from the his narcissistic and bottom of the barrel behavior. Ignoring those flags was a sign of my low self-esteem. Looking back perhaps this breakup is the awakening for me to not excuse anymore the disrespect from future lovers and bf. The belief that I've clung to that I should forgive and forget, was a tired outdated cliche and clearly did not work for me. Those second chances were turning into tenth chances and twentieth chances because of my blinders. One lives and learns.
off2sea Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Last night I tried to articulate some of my "red flags" with the casual relationship. All it did was make me feel stupid. Gotta keep that stuff inside and decide if its worth staying or to cut and run.
Outcast Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 People sometimes consider me a harda$$ (until they know me, that is). Because of that, I worry that I'm being too hard on people so I give them chances. Lots and lots of chances. I don't want to be unkind or unfair so when I see a red flag, I admonish myself because I think I'm being too judgmental and I make myself quit paying attention to the red flag. It has always been a mistake.
dcsmom97 Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 For women, in particular, we often see the red flags, the red lights, the stop signs...but we plow on straight ahead because many of us, especially after a certain age, feel like there won't be anyone else. We minimize the problem or think that we can change things if we love hard enough. After going through this enough times, I have decided that I'd rather be alone if need be. Again, this is not all women, just most of the ones that I know!
Author In Sync Posted October 7, 2005 Author Posted October 7, 2005 but we plow on straight ahead because many of us, especially after a certain age, feel like there won't be anyone else. ..it's not even an age thing, dcsmom97, it's the thinking that we won't meet another person. Isn't it ludicrous? In my case I actually thought "there's nobody like him." As awful as he was, I was ignoring every blatant sign because I convinced this my ex was top notch. And he was just aggressive, moody, or a zillion other sad excuses I came up with. Had I been more confident I should have walked. When I think on it, the behavior I took from him, I got rid of friends who acted out of line with me.
magda Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 THOSE RED FLAGS...have you ever paid attention to them and walked away? Sure, all the time. Sometimes in past relationships I had trouble with it, but with each relattionship I got better at it until I reached guru status where I am today. :-D
laRubiaBonita Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 yeah, the red flags were: 1. he still lived with his parents and he was almost 30. 2. he was a bouncer at a strip club. 3. he was manic depressive. those were the red flags, not to mention his receeding hair line. but what really pushed me was his pathetic "no body likes me phone calls at 1 am. please, i have my own issues9red flags) to deal with.....much less some other guys.
off2sea Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 Turns out that my intuition was right on and that showing I actually cared about someone comes back to bite you. Be especially cognizant of what your "little voice" says especially if you are on the mend from something else. Now I am faced with what I know will be TWO losses. Hooking up to forget someone else is helpful but you have to be careful not to fall for them.
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