john9999 Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 (edited) find myself approaching the end of the year and my 53rd bday , again another year of frustration with women. I’m asking myself a very serious question... maybe I’m just not capable of a relationship? we all know this pursuit of “the one” and is difficult. If it was easy there’d be no forums like this one. But damm! I was married for 17 years, together for 24. But I see that the raising of my 3 great children covered up for a lackluster marriage. in my 10 years of being single I’ve had 4 girlfriends and was engaged to one of them, but it didn’t workout. It’s easy to point out those women’s flaws, and yes 2 of them cheated on me,,, but what about me? Maybe I suck at relationships. almost all of my guy friends are married or in ltr of over 5 years. My ex wife is in a ltr of like 8 yrs. hell even 2 of my children are in ltr. What’s wrong with me? Sure I date, and have fun with those I can, but its all very shallow. Since my lAst girlfriend 2 years ago I haven’t even had a second date ! Probably 20 first Dates/ hookups. Maybe I’m just meant to do life on my own. I know I’ll get responses that say to focus on myself. I have! I’m successful in my career and I have kept myself in shape. I have hobbies such as mountain climbing, rock climbing, hiking, snowboarding, etc. Anyone feel this way? Edited November 19, 2019 by john9999
norudder Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 Maybe it's a mentality shift that's needed. "Bang the ones I can" doesn't exactly portray the thinking of "I desire reciprocal commitment with someone I have shared values with". 1
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 There is nothing wrong with you. You can sustain a relationship You had one for 24 years. That didn't work out. Then you had some bad relationships. That happens. At mid life people are set in their ways so it can be tougher to compromise. Maybe take a break for a bit. Be single & not looking for a while Enjoy the holidays with your kids. Maybe after Valentine's day in the spring, try again.
chillii Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 (edited) Eh man. around the same age. Doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you to me , matter of fact on your last few lines about you , you sound better than average to me. First up , sometimes the ex w gets into something long term , sometimes the ex h does , it actually seems more often the ex h to me because l've been through the same thing and been observing ever since and that's just what l've seen. You don't have any problem obviously, finding women or relationships , l'm thinking one thing first up , maybe those just haven't been the best choices and so nothings worked out. But in more detailed forms , you'll find women 40s , 50s, sooooo different to back in our 20s and 30s before and when we got married. They aren't young and happy go lucky and carefree anymore. so often a lotta lottaaaa issues deep down no matter how they seem on the surface to their friends and general people, and oodles of baggage, ex's and kids and god knows what else. Me l've found all of those things or even if they were never even married there was still just stuff. So all that has played a huge part in things for me and l've been very very careful and selective about whom l got tangled up with, and l think that's a very very big thing that you'll have to do first of all. Well , if your looking for something serious, if it's just fun a man wants though then whatever, non of that matters you ain't gonna get involved anyway have your fun and move on. l met my first gf 3yrs after my marriage , l had no interest in another woman before that and just spent time alone and doing other things, there was no one before her that even interested me anyway. Unfortunately , that was a very big thing but in the end we just couldn't work out distance and things. l've since met someone else , l'm not sure how things can go because she has some very big stuff going on too. Like l said , just seems to go with the age these days, but we're trying to work through them, we'll see. But she's an incredible girl. Meanwhile my ex gf has popped up again, jezuz. l dunno , things just seem to have a way of being so so more complicated at these ages now, one way or another , probably by the sounds more just the thing for you too going on what you've said. Patience and choosing right seem to be the main thing. Good luck. Edited November 19, 2019 by chillii
kendahke Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 You might want to work with a therapist to help you get to the bottom of what you feel is causing all this. If you haven't worked it out on your own by now, perhaps it's time to call in some help. 1
The Outlaw Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 There isn't anything wrong with you, but it's just the dating scene as a whole. As said, give yourself a break and try again. It gets frustrating, but if you've found yourself a keeper in the end, it will all be worth it. 1
basil67 Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 I wonder if you're wasting too much time with Ms Wrong. Of the four relationships you've had since your marriage ended, how many of them did you think was Ms Right? 1
preraph Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 There's "something wrong" with all of us, but unless you see the same pattern over and over and hear the same complaints from the women over and over, it's probably not so much so to keep you from having a relationship. But it does get harder to meet people as we get older, for sure. And of course, there's the stats on second, third, fourth marriages, being progressively less likely to work out. I think you do just keep pursuing your genuine interests and maybe you'll get lucky and meet someone you click with again. It is true that once you're not young anymore, neither are most of your dates and lots of them have kids or even grandkids that are their top priority and a lot of their time is tied up with that. I think that is a genuine obstacle older people face. Many older women are even reluctant to even mix friends with their family and same goes for men.
Author john9999 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 The only one I thought was ms right was the one i asked to Marry me. She was one of the ones that cheated on me.
basil67 Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 Ah, that's disappointing. But it's the other three which have my attention: Spending time with Ms Wrongs is time wasted when you could have been out dating again. Of course, sometimes it takes time to figure out that they aren't right for you, but when you know it, move on. 1
Author john9999 Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 Ah, that's disappointing. But it's the other three which have my attention: Spending time with Ms Wrongs is time wasted when you could have been out dating again. Of course, sometimes it takes time to figure out that they aren't right for you, but when you know it, move on. The others were less than 3 month long 1
alphamale Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 you're not doing anything wrong john9999, thats' just the way dating and relationships are these days. be happy that you have 3 great kids, I don't even have that! kick back, rrelax, have fun, if "the one" comes along, great....if not, great 4
Melrose78 Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 Sometimes, without realising it, we establish a pattern on the type of people we date. And unless we see this for ourselves or use therapy to assist with this, the probably continues. 2
preraph Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 The only one I thought was ms right was the one i asked to Marry me. She was one of the ones that cheated on me. I'm sorry. People can be so disappointing. Just remember that there are some people who are so ethical they couldn't live with themselves if they did that. So look for people who are ethical in other ways, employment, with friends, just people who try hard and don't mess people around. There's some professions more suited to those type people, but exceptions with everything, of course. You have kids. Do you also have a nice pair of dogs to be your best friend and cuddlers?
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 The only one I thought was ms right was the one i asked to Marry me. She was one of the ones that cheated on me. Well, better before the wedding then after. The others were less than 3 month long Dating is a try out. If you were together less then 90 days you found out fast that they weren't the right ones for you. It takes a while to find the right one. You are getting the 1st dates so you have something going for you. Can you identify any other commonalities between the dates that didn't morph into something more serious? Again, take a step back. Give yourself some breathing room. Re-evaluate who you are as an adult & what you seek in a partner. Meanwhile continue to enjoy your stated hobbies. Perhaps you will find a partner who shares some of those interests. Before I met my husband I took about a year off from dating in my late 30s. It helped me to recognize how I had changed since college & allowed me to reframe how I defined what makes a good partner. With that new perspective I met my husband. 1
FMW Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 I don't think anything is wrong with you. Just because others are coupled doesn't mean they have a great relationship or the type of relationship that you would have any interest in. So don't compare yourself to anyone else. Also, consider if maybe you're in a rut with what you look for. Maybe expand your ideas of what kind of woman you might be interested in. I don't mean settling or going for someone you don't find attractive, just keeping a more open mind about things in general. I'm a 53 year old woman, divorced after 23 years, and I've recently realized I was in a very definite rut. I'm starting to branch out a bit and feeling good about the results. 2
OpenBook Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 find myself approaching the end of the year and my 53rd bday , again another year of frustration with women. I’m asking myself a very serious question... maybe I’m just not capable of a relationship? ... Maybe I’m just meant to do life on my own... Anyone feel this way? [OpenBook raises her hand.] Right there with ya buddy. I'm 59 and been pondering my life lately. It hasn't turned out ANYTHING like what I imagined it would turn out to be. Wondering if I'm just not cut out for marriage? I divorced in my 20's and have had several successful long-term relationships over the subsequent decades... until they weren't. They just kinda fizzled out. I feel like I didn't get the memo or something. Do I have some kind of personality flaw? Or was it just plain dumb luck that I didn't remarry? I can't shake the feeling there's something wrong - or at least abnormal - with me. I haven't met anyone lately that's floated my boat. I have plenty of friends & family to love, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on life or depressed about being alone or anything. It's just, I'm WONDERING. You're definitely not the only one out there! 1
Author john9999 Posted November 20, 2019 Author Posted November 20, 2019 [OpenBook raises her hand.] Right there with ya buddy. I'm 59 and been pondering my life lately. It hasn't turned out ANYTHING like what I imagined it would turn out to be. Wondering if I'm just not cut out for marriage? I divorced in my 20's and have had several successful long-term relationships over the subsequent decades... until they weren't. They just kinda fizzled out. I feel like I didn't get the memo or something. Do I have some kind of personality flaw? Or was it just plain dumb luck that I didn't remarry? I can't shake the feeling there's something wrong - or at least abnormal - with me. I haven't met anyone lately that's floated my boat. I have plenty of friends & family to love, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on life or depressed about being alone or anything. It's just, I'm WONDERING. You're definitely not the only one out there! Omg. You nailed it. That’s precisely how i feel. I try to be optimistic, but it’s hard. I feel like I’m in dating purgatory. Like dammed if I try and dammed if I don’t.
Grey40 Posted November 22, 2019 Posted November 22, 2019 Dude come on, you were dating a girl for 24 damn years. That's more than the majority of the world man. You sound like you've never had any success with women at all in your life. You've have a bunch of girlfriends and a couple of Long term ones. You'll find another, just keep pushing. I'm 30 and I've only ever had a 5 year relationship once. All my other girlfriends lasted 3-4 months max. It's nothing to do with age, it's just right place ,right time, and that'll happen again.
ajequals Posted November 22, 2019 Posted November 22, 2019 it sound more like a poor choice of the women you seek. what was the common thread with all of them?
Ruby Slippers Posted November 22, 2019 Posted November 22, 2019 You sound like my new boyfriend. He's around your age, had a practical marriage for years and has 2 grown kids, since his divorce 10 years ago has been dating and had a couple of relationships, but nothing that rocked his world or stuck for too long. Last night he told me he was on the brink of giving up, and then he met me, said he's never had such a great time with a woman and he can see being with me for the long haul. Sure I date, and have fun with those I can, but its all very shallow. Since my lAst girlfriend 2 years ago I haven’t even had a second date ! Probably 20 first Dates/ hookups. I think this is your problem, and it's the same one I spotted in him. Though he's a great catch - successful, stable, attractive, sophisticated, fit, responsible - I think in his weariness in the search he had shifted his mindset from looking for something real to making do with whatever was workable at the time. This also yielded a number of fairly shallow and unfulfilling connections, that in the end he says felt mostly like a waste of time. I myself was also getting very tired of the search, but didn't want to "settle." And now here we are, having a blast. He's spent all his free time with me since we got together and is in serious planning mode for more of the same. Keep the faith, get right with whatever your higher power is, and focus unwaveringly on the great love that you want! Every old sock meets an old shoe
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