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Posted

Hi All,

 

So I've been with my now fiancé for 3 years, we only got engaged 4 months ago, we bought a house together a year ago which has needed alot of money spent on it to get it to a good standard, we have spent roughly £40,000, which is still going on.

Its become quite a burden on us and because of it we feel bad if we spend any money on us, we used to do a lot of weekend breaks and go to places but in the last year or so its all stopped.

 

We have been bickering on and off but I wouldn't call it heated exchanges.

We bought a dog about 2 months ago and although I adore him, he stays in our bed and sleeps in the middle of us. She basically cuddles him most nights.

I do try and make advances but I get rejected so I have just stopped trying.

 

Our sex life for the last 6 months has been poor, as little as once a month.

 

She had been acting quite snappy with me all week and come Sunday she said shes moving back into her mums for a week to see if this is what she really wants, she says we feel like just friends.

 

When we first met I was an active gym goer and had a nice body, now I'm just skinny and she has mentioned it recently, but half the reason I do not go to the gym is because she gets so anxious about being alone.

We sometimes go the gym together but we do suffocate each other, she never wants to be alone but because we spend so much time together we bicker.

I do feel like shes lost the attraction.

 

I do feel like I've been putting a lot more effort into the relationship and on the whole do a lot more of the house hold chores, she does struggle with quite bad anxiety and depression, she had a slightly troubled upbringing and she worries about her parents alcohol problems and is seeing a councilor.

 

We've spoke very little since Sunday and are planning to meet on Saturday to discuss our future.

She did come round this morning to drop the dog off and she was very chatty, I briefly asked how she was feeling and she was unsure.

She has actually done this to me at the start of the relationship and wanted 'space' so I completely backed off for a week, cold turkey and she came running back.

 

It's like I am too soft with her at times and run around after her like a parent. I am going to try my best not to interact with her now until Saturday, it feels like its the only way she will then possibly miss me and what we have.

 

I'm completely heart broken, I'm feeling so lonely in the house alone.

I'm hoping she is prepared to give it another go but I am mentally preparing myself for its over.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

Posted
I'm hoping she is prepared to give it another go but I am mentally preparing myself for its over.

Yes, this is exactly the mindset to have. Very rarely is there a happily ever after, following a "break". At least you have a timescale, it's not an open-ended break like many try to have. Just make sure after the break is up, you ask for her decision -- and don't be strung along for ever.

  • Like 1
Posted

This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship if you couldn't even go the gym because she doesn't want to be alone. Does she work? Study? Does she have a life outside of you?

 

I would be seriously questioning her ability to sustain a marriage let alone a relationship if she depends on you to this degree, and then seems to suddenly bail - for the second time. Has she previously talked to you about how she was feeling? You say she mentioned your physical changes, but had she mentioned the way her feelings had changed?

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Yes she has a pretty full on job, to be honest she actually hates her job and she often complains that it affects her and has to work quite late and bring work home.

I am a middle class earner but I think she would like me to push myself more so that she could possibly change career.

 

Yes she has mentioned that shes not entirely happy before but I guess I always try to see the positives where as shes generally quite a negative person.

She is always putting herself down, calling herself fat every day and wants surgery bla bla bla.

But shes so wrong, shes beautiful and gets a lot of male attention, and also slim, so I just don't understand it.

It's like she just doesn't love herself.

 

She says shes just unsure about us.

Maybe some time to reflect for both us is a good thing.

Posted

Space never improves a relationship. This isn't about fixing the relationship; it's about her deciding if she wants to bail or not. The best you can hope for at the end is to be back where you started. A break is always a very bad sign.

 

I think the best thing you can do now is to just give her space and time that you've agreed to. Try not to communicate - really do give her space. If at the end of the week, she comes back to you with a "no" then you have to accept that. If it's "yes" then you go back to where you started - problems and all. If it's anything else (I don't know, need more space, etc) then you should not accept that. Tell her this relationship is important and she's either all in, or out.

 

But know that even if she does decide to stay and work on the relationship, it will be a massive uphill struggle. A relationship with someone like this is extremely hard work, and more often than not ends in disaster for you!

  • Like 3
Posted

This isn't a casual thing. You two have started to put down roots but now that you are engaged & experiencing financial stress it's all getting real for her. Some of this may be cold feet but her response -- to move out for a week & take the dog -- is a poor one. To fix a relationship you have to stay, communicate & work.

 

You two need boundaries regarding the dog. You need to talk about your sexual expectations. If you are already disappointed with sex once per month, you have to assume the frequency will dwindle after marriage unless you address it now. You probably need a budget, that includes some money for dates. You may need to learn to get creative about what constitutes a date so you can cut down on expenses. You need some kind of time line about the completion of the house. DH & I were very stressed when we remodeled our kitchen which took 3x more time & money then we had been quoted because so many structural problems were revealed.

 

All in all you have a lot of work to do. Perhaps push the wedding date itself back & get refunds on any deposits until you sort all this out.

 

Best wishes.

  • Like 2
Posted
Perhaps push the wedding date itself back & get refunds on any deposits until you sort all this out.

To be blunt it would be very foolish to go ahead with this wedding until all this is not only sorted out, but ancient history. Her response to problems was to bail. That is not wife material.

  • Like 3
Posted

You are handling this very well. I hope you can maintain your attitude if she decides against you.

 

If you want to passively give her the time decide that's OK but if she starts to prevaricate then drop the passive nonsense and tell her how it's going to be.

 

I think you are right in that she has lost attraction. You tend to think it's financial, I would look elsewhere if only to eliminate the possibility. There's a good reason that a woman abandon's her SO and heads back to mom and that is to talk things over and attempt to get a second opinion.

Posted

I know the pain you are feeling very well..Men want to fix everything but relationships are out of our league . you have quite the investment here I feel the question you need to ask yourself is do I want this for the rest of my life? what you feel now is very draining mentally and physically

Posted

I don't know if this relationship can be saved - or if it is worth trying. It will take a LOT of work from both of you to fix, and a lot of time.

 

Also, I am very wary of breaks. From what I've seen and read, it's not unusual to ask for a break when a partner has met someone else and wants to explore that without feeling guilty. I'm not saying that's the case here, but keep your eyes open for any signs of cheating.

Posted

Refurbishing a house can create stress and tension between even the most happy and well-adjusted married couple. Putting that type of pressure on a young, unmarried couple can be very difficult.

 

Your fiance has anxiety and depression, hates her job, and is also dealing with the stress of the house, clearly finances are also stretched. When you have a chance to talk to her, I would recommend seeing a therapist together. Together, the two of you can work on a solution for her hope/plan to get another job, even if that means the role you play is to also work on advancing your career. Showing her that type of support will help.

 

My dog sleeps in my bed, too, but she might be using the dog as an excuse (shield) to avoid sex. Sometimes, you need to exclude the dog from your bedroom so the two of you can have intimacy. I know money is strapped, but perhaps you can suggest a night/weekend away just the two of you, to get back some of that spark to help regenerate her passion. Make sure she feels supported, understood, and loved.

Posted

The best advice is to make sure you keep the timeline. You don't want this going on indefinitely. That's the worst mistake that people make.

Posted (edited)
we used to do a lot of weekend breaks and go to places but in the last year or so its all stopped...

 

I do try and make advances but I get rejected so I have just stopped trying...

 

Our sex life for the last 6 months has been poor, as little as once a month...

 

She had been acting quite snappy with me...

 

she says we feel like just friends...

 

the reason I do not go to the gym is because she gets so anxious about being alone...

 

I do feel like shes lost the attraction...

 

I do feel like I've been putting a lot more effort into the relationship...

 

It's like I am too soft with her at times and run around after her like a parent...

 

 

You guessed it right, she lost attraction for you. There's no more courtship or fun in the relationship, and now you're complying with her every whim and need at the expense of yourself, and investing more into the relationship than she is. You are demonstrating that you are afraid of upsetting her and losing her. You're coming off as weak and needy, not strong and independent. You are placing her on a pedestal and placing higher value on her than on yourself. This is usually *repulsive* to women.

 

You can re-ignite her attraction for you by showing her you CAN be strong and independent, that you CAN walk away and move on.

 

Give her the break. Give her all the space she needs. Don't put your life on hold waiting on her. Move on. The only way you will repair this situation is to behave like an attractive, high-value man with options and walk. She initiates all contact from now on, until you've formally reconciled.

 

When that happens, set some ground rules for her. You are going to the gym and taking care of your body whether she likes it or not. Sex 1/month is f--king unacceptable. The dog has its own bed and sleeps in its own bed. She pulls her weight with household chores. She pulls her weight in the relationship. Stop being so soft and compliant with her. Be the leader in the relationship. Be tough sometimes. Put your foot down. When she starts acting up, check her. Make sure she's respecting you and your boundaries or be willing to walk. Women do not, cannot, love men they don't respect.

 

Good luck.

Edited by rjc149
  • Like 2
Posted

Her dependence is a problem because it causes other problems. In other words, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't with her. So that seems like an impossible situation.

 

I got no problem with sleeping with dogs. Don't blame the dog for it. Maybe after you're gone, that dog will fill the hole in her that needs someone there and maybe teach her some responsibility to boot.

Posted
Yes she has mentioned that shes not entirely happy before but I guess I always try to see the positives where as shes generally quite a negative person.

 

Not happy about the relationship, do you mean?

Posted

OP, I'm not trying to inject anxiety or distrust into an already tough situation, but after re-reading your post, it wouldn't be shocking if there was another guy in the picture.

Posted

I got no problem with sleeping with dogs. Don't blame the dog for it. Maybe after you're gone, that dog will fill the hole in her that needs someone there and maybe teach her some responsibility to boot.

 

Not if the dog is being used as a pawn in the relationship struggle, or a physical barrier to sex. Dogs can sense human discord, and they can believe it's their fault. It can mess with their emotions. It's not fair to the dog, and it's not fair to the OP to be denied sex from his romantic partner by a poor animal.

Posted

99% of the time when a SO asks for space it is to see someone else. That way if they are caught they can say we were on a break so it isn’t cheating.

 

To many red flags here as well. Sexless relationship on top of wanting space. You need to tell her she can have all the space she wants. Then break it off.

Posted
99% of the time when a SO asks for space it is to see someone else. That way if they are caught they can say we were on a break so it isn’t cheating.

 

To many red flags here as well. Sexless relationship on top of wanting space. You need to tell her she can have all the space she wants. Then break it off.

 

 

Exactly. Space means goodbye, it's just that the person asking for it is a wishy-washy coward.

  • Like 1
Posted
shes generally quite a negative person.

 

My friend, like doubles in tennis, success in marriage is all about partner selection. And there’s nothing you’ve written that convinces an outsider this is the person to spend the rest of your life with.

 

Red flags, stop lights and full alarms all over the place here. Unless you’re codependent in her negativity, time to make this short break a clean one...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

PhilUK,

 

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. You seem to have a good logical train of thought about this, though I know your heart must be broken.

 

She's sounds like a person who for some particular reason is afraid to be alone and has not learned how to be content and secure on her own. Being with you is a means to fill that void and also validate her her worth and attractiveness because her love of self, comes from the approval and attention of others. Because she lacks that stable internal foundation, romantic feelings make her extremely insecure, unbalanced and co-dependant. Her unhappiness likely has very little do with your quality as a boyfriend and more to do with the fact that she's unhappy with herself. This is something only she can fix. If you've been feeling like you've been fighting a losing battle; working harder and harder to keep her only marginally happy that's probably why.

 

It's up to you but I would call this wedding off and break this off. I don't think 1 week will fix anything. You have been putting in day after day of hard work and commitment. You've been giving your energy, time and resources. Telling your best jokes, giving your best advice, showing love. If she doesn't know how she feels by now, that's basically telling you all that you are isn't doing it for her. She should know how she feels by now..especially since she accepted your proposal and you two have a wedding coming up.

 

Asking for a break is rarely ever a good thing. It usually has more to do with her being in the process of wanting to break it off but not having the strength to do it yet, so she distances in small increments, weening herself off of you. Even if I'm wrong about that and she comes back to you and you two carry on, you will be forced into having a very real discussion about what she wants and I don't think she knows enough about herself to even answer that question accurately. Can you honestly say you trust her loyalty and commitment to marry her..at this point?

 

You have been putting in day after day of hard work and commitment. You've been giving your energy, time and resources. Telling your best jokes, giving your best advice, giving the best of your love. If she doesn't know how she feels by now after receiving all that, that's basically telling you that all that you are, isn't doing it for her. She should know how she feels by now..especially since she accepted your proposal and you two have a wedding coming up. Thats not to say your relationship is over..but whatever she's got to work through is going to require several months of alone time, with you gone and out of the picture.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
  • Like 1
Posted

I'd say if a woman is cuddling a dog more than you, its time to call it a day.

 

If she isn;t supportive of a hooby that looks after your health, call it a day.

 

If she's clingy to the point of acting like a child, call it a day.

 

If the sex isn't contributing to your well being, call it a day.

 

And you've been thinking of marrying her?! Come on man, life is way too short for these choices. Enjoy your house, peace and quiet. Get to the gym, meet a young hot thing and enjoy your life.

  • Like 2
Posted

I do try and make advances but I get rejected so I have just stopped trying.

 

Our sex life for the last 6 months has been poor, as little as once a month.

 

 

That unto itself is cause to do a 180. If she was like this as your fiance, could you imagine as your wife?

 

What did you do to get your needs taken care of?

Posted

OP

 

the tips from @fromheart are spot on.

 

A "break" is never a good thing as most people have said. Even if it's given a definitive time period and both parties don't "cheat" (even emotionally) - it's a sign that the communication isn't working and that there could be compatibility issues.

 

As several people said - she needs to really evaluate herself and her actions because she's clingy, needy, and jealous (for no reason; assuming you're loyal) - but you're also serving as an enabler here.

 

I learned a bunch of hard lessons in dating and with the most recent breakup it was heartbreaking and numbing to me - but it was 50% my fault because I didn't respect myself enough to lay down ground rules, to get my wants and needs satisfied, and I let the lovebomb in the beginning blind me to a lot of things.

 

So...for the "break" - focus on you - what you want, what you need, and what you will and won't stand for - and don't worry about the future - it will fix itself if you act like yourself.

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