Am I possessive or protective?

[Ariesgirly]

Hello,

 

I have lately been feeling a lot of anxiety about my boyfriends choice of friends and I am wondering if I am being unreasonable or being protective. I have always had a hard time trusting people or letting people in so when I see red flags with people I tend to shut them out.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and we live together. At the beginning of our relationship my BF talked alot about this guy (lets call him Bob) as his best friend he met in college.They have supposedly been great friends for 8 or 9 years and hung out and "partied" every weekend. He couldn't wait for me to meet Bob but it seems that once my BF and I started dating it became impossible for him to get in touch with this guy. I met him once back in March and that was the one time in a whole year I have met him. The guy stopped responding to texts from my BF and never reached out to him anymore. As time passed without hearing from him my BF analyzed the relationship and realized that the guy was out for himself and it was a one way relationship. He realized the only time they hung out is if he reached out to this guy and a lot of times he would get blown off and ignored. He said that he felt this guy only was around when he was single and he was just someone to party with and that this guy only did what benefitted him. I agreed and said that I felt this guy didn't bring anything to the table. After all, all his great times he had with this guy were late nights at the bar and this guy is a few years younger and still in his 20s and this is all he was good for. Well recently this guy finally responded to a text from my BF and suddenly they are best friends again. All the **** talking he did the last year went out the window and they are making plans to hang out and I am pissed about it. I dont feel like this guy has good intentions and expects my BF to go party with him at the bars like they used to when my BF was single.

 

As he was going through this with his friend, he also encouraged me to end a toxic friendship that I found to be surface level. I caught this friend in a lot of lies and manipulation and had been blocked on all social media because I was friends with her ex bf who I had actually known for years before I even met her. Her expectation was for me to hate him because they broke up. This is a 35 year old grown woman. So I actually ended our friendship in a mature manner because I don't want these types of people in my life. My BF walked me though it about a month ago pointing out how she was like this Bob guy and we needed to let go of these types of people at our age.

 

He also recently befriended a guy he knew from back in highschool who moved to our town earlier this year and has not been able to make friends. My BF felt some weird responsibility to befriend this guy since they are from the same hometown even though they had not spoken in 12-15 years. The moment I met the guy I got the creeps. He was a straight weirdo. I gave him 3 or 4 chances of hanging out and the last time we hung out a few weeks back I caught him in a web of lies and called him out on it and he got upset with me. I had been trying to tell my BF for months that I felt something was wrong with this guy and theres a reason he can't make friends. My BF response was that he is just trying to impress us and that his lies aren't hurting us. The guy has not tried to hang out since and I feel like I scared him off but it seems like my BF is just letting all of these things roll off his shoulders.

 

I guess my question here is, am I being possessive or protective? I am in my mid 30s and I feel like I have a low tolerance for BS these days and want my life drama free. MY BF is so easy going he will be friends with anyone and I have been questioning if I am being unreasonable. I feel like these differences could be bad for our future.

[basil67]

I suspect your views are right on the money and yes, you're being protective in as much as you want to save him from hurt. However you only cross the line into be possessive/controlling if you insist he shouldn't see this friend anymore. I think the options are mostly in the realms of telling him about your concerns, but letting him make his own decisions. IF he starts to make decisions which impact on your life, then time to discuss again...but I'd use a wait and see type attitude.

 

Good luck.

[Ami1uwant]

On the second friend...your bf is just trying to help him out. I don’t read much more into this.

 

With the first one....I think it isn’t like you describe. For some guys ..if they are single they tend to be friends with other single guys and doing single guy stuff. When one guy gets into a relationship..especially a live in one or get married the single guys tend to pull away from the involved one because thry do things the gf won’t allow or thry don’t want yo be a third wheel if they were to hang with you guys. If they have a gf too thrn they are more interested in doing couples things.

 

Also what happens in this..ifyou have a group of friends, and say they all have gfs. If one gets married then within a few years they all get married. Having kids follows similarly.

 

I had a good friend from college. We got together often when we were in college. We were both single. I moved away. For about 5 yrs we kept in touch ( this was before social media and cell phone popularity). I still came back to town about 4-6 times a yr and met up with him and a few times he travelled to where I lived. He got a gf who he eventually married and had kids. I lost touch with him. I didn’t see the girlfriend that much. I really didn’t get to know her. Maybe it be different if I still lived in town, but I don’t know.

[ajequals]

I think your somewhat protective but you also are better equipped are removing those acquaintances that we don't need in our lives ..your BF is one that lives in the grey area and doesn't want to get involved in touchy matters. Of course I'm not a girl but if I was I'd start looking for a replacement.. as a man I can tell you we don't change

[ExpatInItaly]

You're not wrong to be suspicious of these people's intentions, and not wrong to be concerned that they don't add a lot to your boyfriend's life. They don't sound like the best choice of friends.

 

However, it is indeed your boyfriend's life. He is grown and capable of making his own choices. There is not a lot you can do here but opt out of any group hang-outs that might involve them. If your concern is that your boyfriend could be led astray by them, you need to be asking yourself why you feel your boyfriend is so easily influenced at this age.

[d0nnivain]

You said it yourself: you have a hard time trusting people & have a low tolerance for BS. In contrast your BF is more easy going. Stuff that will make you crazy will roll off your BF's back.

 

He knows the score with each of his male buddies: the party guy & the lying weirdo. Your BF is willing to look past those faults for the purpose of spending some time with these guys. He sees some value in both friendships, even if it's just long term shared history.

 

As long as you don't have to interact with these guys a lot, as long as they are not in your home often (notice I didn't say never) & as long as your BF isn't giving them money, just let it go. They are his friends. They are not hurting you or him. If you start trying to force your values & your boundaries on your BF you will no longer have a BF.

[kendahke]

 

I guess my question here is, am I being possessive or protective?

 

Possessive. I'll bet all of his friendships are, in some way, a threat to you.

 

I am in my mid 30s and I feel like I have a low tolerance for BS these days and want my life drama free. MY BF is so easy going he will be friends with anyone and I have been questioning if I am being unreasonable. I feel like these differences could be bad for our future.

 

You're right--especially if you keep trying to act like his mother by telling him who he can and can't be friends with. No sane man wants a romantic relationship with "mother".

 

If you two are such polar opposites in your "toleration" of people, then this isn't going to end well for you. He's eventually going to get sick of you picking off every friend.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I'm in a similar situation, where I can see that certain "friends" are not good to/for my bf. Initially when I pointed these people out, my bf could see where I was coming from and agreed. Then, he started to feel isolated and mothered by me--and all of a sudden he started seeing ME as the problem.

 

I decided to start picking my battles more carefully. He's a grown man and if he wants to continue to occasionally be around people who are wishy washy (or worse) with him, then that's his absolute right.

 

If you value your relationship, you need to get and keep your nose out of his friendship choices. Sorry to be blunt.

[vla1120]

He is a grown adult and capable of choosing his own friends. You are a grown adult and can choose not to be friends with your boyfriend's friends. The moment you start trying to dictate who your boyfriend should/should not befriend, it looks like control.

 

You have to trust your boyfriend to make good choices in this respect. The best thing you can do is talk to him, be open about your concerns if you see red flags, but always let him know he has the absolute freedom to make his own choices.