I think i'm going to end my "almost" relationship

[jjbarr19]

Just to give you some insight, I've been seeing this girl for nearly 4 months (crazy to think it's been this long already). Anyways, throughout the entire time we've been seeing each other, we've only had sex once.

 

And the one time it happened, it was horrible. Mainly because I really didn't want to have it, and she could tell I wasn't enjoying myself. I can't bring myself to understand why I reacted that way, but I remember going back home with a weird feeling in my stomach. I then impulsively ended it a few days later. This was about a month and a half into dating each other. I really don't understand why I reacted that way, because it definitely is weird behavior, but eventually we made up and started anew.

 

But we haven't had sex since. Like it's not like it hasn't been a possibility to have sex again. Last time we had a late night date (1.5 weeks ago), she REALLY wanted to have sex. But we didn't have protection so I declined because she's not on birth control. And then a few days later we had skype sex, basically. And just a few days ago we went on a coffee date and made out passionately.

 

Here's the catch. We're both going through really rough phases in our lives. I lost two really good friends within the last few months and currently her cousin is in a comma after being in a stroke. That's why i'm really kicking myself by having these urges, especially right now. In a way I really do think it could relax us both. Just to take our minds off things. But I just don't know how to approach the situation. I was thinking of calling her tonight and being direct and flirty and see how she reacts but I don't know. AITA for wanting sex at this particular time?

[SumGuy]

An honest conversation is a good idea. Just think on what may have freaked you out before to avoid a repeat.

Good call on holding back with no birth control, it really only takes once.

[kendahke]

Make a reservation at a really nice hotel for a night and have fun.

[jjbarr19]

I'm thinking it's because I thought things were going way too fast for me. And they were. I met her friends, family, all within a few weeks. So in a way I felt like having sex would solidify having to be in a relationship.

 

But now, being with her for this amount of time. I am very sure I want to be with her. Heck, when I was in boston last weekend, I got her a gift and she loved it! Like I don't get gifts for anyone, so I know I'm all in with this one.

 

But since the whole ordeal she now seems iffy with me. I haven't seen her friends or family once, and it is kind of hard to see her now. I don't know. There's clearly a power shift going on, but I might be overthinking.

[Londy]

You had sex once, after which you broke up with her.

 

 

The second time an opportunity arose, you declined sex for questionable reasons. I mean, you can always run out and get condoms, right?

 

 

You're wondering why she's iffy. I'm wondering why she isn't gone.

[jjbarr19]

Aight i'm hitting her up tonight then.

 

We're going to have sex and it's going to be ****ing great.

[Londy]

Pun intended?

[jjbarr19]

I need guidance. I've been hot and cold with a girl since July. Since things had been progressing too fast for me in the beginning, I left temporarily. I then came back two weeks later and we've been progressing upwards at a snailspace. I basically had to earn her trust, but I know i'm a good guy so all I have to do is just be myself. Last week she had been really expressive. Wanted to talk for hours on the phone. Called me her king. She was just being very sweet and I felt like me seeing her last weekend could have skyrocketed things to a relationship.

 

But all at once, she just went cold. My birthday celebration was last Friday and I was excited for her to come. But last minute, she had to cancel (for legitimate reasons). Even though I was a bit bothered at first, I understood. Took it maturely, told her everything was okay, and asked her to text me when she got home to which she did. She then said to let her know if I needed a ride back home, and to have fun. To which I responded saying I'm sure i'll be fine, and that I'll be missing her tonight. No response. I texted her once I got home. No response the next morning. I wanted to surprise her with a white canvas I got her, to which she wanted. Coldly, she told me today wouldn't be a good day and to hold on to it. Will do, sounds good I say. Then we continued to have a very dry conversation (keep in mind she's very expressive over text). I couldn't put my finger on it. What just happened? The current vibe lasted for Saturday and Sunday.

 

I called her on Sunday. I just had to figure it out. Obviously in a funny way, I start the conversation by saying, "Yo, why you acting up? Why you mad?" She laughed and said I'm not mad at all. I then became quiet. Was I just overthinking? Or was she just not telling me. Okay so I asked her how her weekend was. She refused at first? Saying, I'd rather you tell me first. Sure, I then started telling her about my weekend. After I'd get done with a story, there would be silence, and then she'd make a subtle comment like "Oh, that's nice." Or if I made a joke within the story, there would be little to no reaction. I threw my hands up in the air. Like yo wtf, why did everything suddenly change. I then went quiet. I was contemplating hanging up or saying I'll call her another time. It was becoming frustrating. Almost like talking to a wall. The conversation somewhat got better. Lasted 2 hours. Still felt off. We were able to set up a date for this upcoming Saturday but idk, we only said goodnight to each other, not the lovey dovey kind to which we always do. She also has yet to text me today, which is rare. Should I just back off? I really didn't think I was being needy and clingy but man, I'm not sure how much I can take this hot and cold behavior. Compared to last week, none of this makes any sense.

 

Advice? I'm 23 and she is 22.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to tell you: she's not interested.

 

You don't want to earn someone's trust by any deliberate action.Any time I thought I was earning someone's trust--always turned out they weren't interested. Always.

 

Mutually trusting ... in increments ... is a basic part of dating.

 

She might have another guy she's fooling with and that may be why she runs hot and suddenly cold. Why stand for that?

 

Keep it moving. This ain't the right stop.

[jjbarr19]

Sorry to tell you: she's not interested.

 

You don't want to earn someone's trust by any deliberate action.Any time I thought I was earning someone's trust--always turned out they weren't interested. Always.

 

Mutually trusting ... in increments ... is a basic part of dating.

 

She might have another guy she's fooling with and that may be why she runs hot and suddenly cold. Why stand for that?

 

Keep it moving. This ain't the right stop.

 

I seriously doubt it. She's been cheated on before, I'd doubt she wants to inflict that sort of pain onto me. Even if she did, I still trust that she hasn't. We're exclusive and i'll believe it until otherwise.

 

It's just...it's annoying. This only happens when I try to see her more often. Then BOOM, cold. It's getting real old only seeing her once a week. Like we hit some strides forwards, then we go backwards. As of now, she hasn't texted me all day which hasn't happened in months. Obviously my intuition was right. Something is very wrong. But I won't initiate contact. Even though I never do, it wouldn't be good of me to do so now.

[Lotsgoingon]

She's cold because she's either:

 

1. not that into you ... She might like flirting and playing, but she really isn't going to be steady for you.

 

2. incapable of being consistence in a relationship ...

 

 

People back off when they're not interested. Sorry, but this isn't complicated.

[Versacehottie]

Sorry, I'm not trying to poke fun of the situation but:

 

Don't you think it's possible that she is hot and cold with you because you were hot and cold with her?!??!?

 

And secondly, now you know how it feels...Not saying she is specifically and cruelly trying to give you a taste of your own medicine but it is ironic that this is where you have ended up with her. I would just say how did you expect her to deal with it all that time before and still stick with you and you can't even manage one episode of it??

 

Anyway, I would be careful about assuming she wouldn't see anyone else or be interested in anyone else. In a way, you sound like a classic person who pulls the hot/cold stuff and are just so used to her being right there and available and sweet to you that you've taken her interest for granted. Sorry, this is all just some tough love.

 

So yeah, ultimately, you should make her your girlfriend if you feel that way about her and stop the back and forth emotionally. '

 

ps did you post any photos with girls that she wouldn't have liked or would have made her jealous? I think there possibly could be a clue with the fact that she wouldn't tell you about her weekend but insistent you tell her about yours first and was pretty reluctant during that conversation. To me, she's upset about something to do with the lead up to your party or the party. Not positive but a good guess.

[kendahke]

This is the basis for everything going down now.

 

I left. I then came back two weeks later

 

During the time (1-3.5 months) in a new relationships where your "representatives" are supposedly "on your best behavior", yours demonstrated behavior that caused her to rethink your motives for being with her.

 

This only happens when I try to see her more often.

 

Yeah, because it was the behavior that you ran from at the beginning of the relationship and she doesn't want to go through that mess again. It gets old.

 

Just because you came back doesn't mean she's not hypersensitive now to the next time you're going to reject her and drop her off, only to reappear two weeks later as if nothing's happened.

 

She still doesn't trust you and she's protecting herself.

 

but I know i'm a good guy

 

awards for good boys... look this up on Instagram

Edited November 12, 2019 by kendahke

[jjbarr19]

She's cold because she's either:

 

1. not that into you ... She might like flirting and playing, but she really isn't going to be steady for you.

 

2. incapable of being consistence in a relationship ...

 

 

People back off when they're not interested. Sorry, but this isn't complicated.

 

Probably a mix of both, more or so the second option. She came out of a 2.5 year abusive relationship in March. So i'd assume feelings are still raw. Made me realize that that's probably why the momentum was so fast in the beginning. Now that i've shown inconsistencies myself, she's guarded because of what happened before. It's a ****ty situation to be in, but i'll probably progressively pull myself away as well. I just don't see how something that will last a lifetime can start out in such a mess even before being official, you know?

[jjbarr19]

Sorry, I'm not trying to poke fun of the situation but:

 

Don't you think it's possible that she is hot and cold with you because you were hot and cold with her?!??!?

 

And secondly, now you know how it feels...Not saying she is specifically and cruelly trying to give you a taste of your own medicine but it is ironic that this is where you have ended up with her. I would just say how did you expect her to deal with it all that time before and still stick with you and you can't even manage one episode of it??

 

Anyway, I would be careful about assuming she wouldn't see anyone else or be interested in anyone else. In a way, you sound like a classic person who pulls the hot/cold stuff and are just so used to her being right there and available and sweet to you that you've taken her interest for granted. Sorry, this is all just some tough love.

 

So yeah, ultimately, you should make her your girlfriend if you feel that way about her and stop the back and forth emotionally. '

 

ps did you post any photos with girls that she wouldn't have liked or would have made her jealous? I think there possibly could be a clue with the fact that she wouldn't tell you about her weekend but insistent you tell her about yours first and was pretty reluctant during that conversation. To me, she's upset about something to do with the lead up to your party or the party. Not positive but a good guess.

 

I think I was able to pin-point kind of the "problem." I don't know if I mentioned this before but she came out of a 2.5 year abusive relationship this year in march, and within that relationship he also cheated on her. So when telling her about my birthday weekend, especially Friday, I wanted to tell her about the girls that approached me and how I deflected them. It wouldn't have been the first time we spoke about this. She's told me about guys who have approached her, and I have as well so I really thought it would be typical conversation. But she just seemed to shut down entirely. So then I said, "babe, if this is something you wouldn't like to hear, I can stop." Then she said, "If this is something you want to tell me then tell me." Then I said, "I want to, but maybe I shouldn't because it seems like it's bothering you." Then she said something under her breath implying i'd cheat on her, ending it by saying "Been there done that" Then elaborated by saying, "It just seems like you're walking on eggshells." But I only was because I had a feeling in the middle of the story she wasn't into it, so my fear of her getting mad caused me to hesitate, but I guess she sees it as I hooked up with someone and i'm hesitating to tell the whole story. It's been two days since we've last spoken. I'm mentally preparing myself to assume this story will end soon.

[jjbarr19]

Hello, you all have helped me out before, I can only presume it will happen again.

 

I've been seeing a girl since July. We're in this weird medium of being exclusive, but we don't necessarily show each other off on social media which is fine by me. Either way, it's been a bumpy, hot and cold kind of relationship.

 

I do care for this girl a lot even though my actions haven't been congruent. I did end it 1.5 months in because I felt things were going too fast. Ironically, now i'm feeling things are too slow. Since I left, and came back, things really haven't been the same. At all. And I regret it every day. I hate myself because I acted on fear.

 

Beforehand, let me tell you, it was amazing. She was incredibly into me and would move mountains just to see me. And I left, due to fear, because my last relationship wrecked me and I didn't want to dive into another one without being certain.

 

The way things are now are ... pretty bad. We see each other once a week. We text, but i'm not the biggest fan of texting. I usually like to call, but she isn't too big on that either (even though all of our phone calls last an hour or two.) And I just don't feel us progressing. I've also grown frustrated in our sex life as well, mainly because it's nonexistent. I'll never pressure anyone to partake in sex with me, but it does get to me when I get rejected. Like on our last date we saw a movie that lasted 2.5 hours. We were primed to have sex, we got a bottle of wine, there was still a lot of time at night, but the movie ate up any time we had, and I simply had to drop her off home from the movie theater. I couldn't help but be short with her since I was so aggravated that I spent all that time in a movie I did not want to see, and now I have to literally wait a couple of weeks before I get to see her again.

 

Given, I struggle with speaking my mind. I don't get to see her often so i'm not trying to speak about problems, or create conflict during my time with her. I want to just have a good time. But now I know I need to speak about my needs or else i'll react the same way I did on our last date.

 

She's going through a lot too. I actually can't see her any time soon because she's taking the time to see her cousin who's in the hospital this weekend (because of a coma) and will be taking his siblings out to bowl to distract them from the whole ordeal. On one side, I feel like such a D!ck if I end it because of my selfish needs and expectations. Like it just doesn't seem like the best time to let go. I'm a man of character, and I know this wouldn't be the right thing.

 

But the other side of me is telling me to be selfish. I go through hell knowing I have to restrain myself from talking to her because it lowers her attraction level. That I have to remain mysterious or else she she won't be as enthusiastic when seeing me. I have to remain stoic and positive when there's a storm brewing inside my mind.

 

I'm scared though. Scared that this conversation will lead to ending it all. I really do like this girl. Almost to the point where I love this girl. But I haven't eaten today. I've become more stressed day in and day out because of this relationship. I just know if we had sex we'd get closer. I just know it. I'm stuck guys. This is one of the hardest decisions I don't want to make.

[Melrose78]

Sounds like you have sabotaged this relationship from day for based on this post and previous post.

 

You're all over the shop on what you want. Do you actually care what she wants or what she's going through?

 

Be an adult and start communicating in a healthy way. Or end it. Are you actually ready for a relationship,?

[jjbarr19]

Sounds like you have sabotaged this relationship from day for based on this post and previous post.

 

You're all over the shop on what you want. Do you actually care what she wants or what she's going through?

 

Be an adult and start communicating in a healthy way. Or end it. Are you actually ready for a relationship,?

 

I want to be, but i'm afraid I might not be built to do so. I've been erratic in my approach - mainly because I fail to communicate how I feel, bottle it up inside, and overthink to the point where my emotions take over. I never lash out to her, I've never disrespected her, but there are times where i'm obviously "off" and I just can't seem to come to my senses to say something. I just eventually let it slide temporarily and go on with my day. I do, I honestly care for her immensely. But i'm coming to the point where i'm losing myself in the process. But that's my own doing, because I don't communicate my frustrations...ever. I plan on speaking with her soon, in person, to come to terms and an agreement. But i'm scared if it doesn't go as planned, it might end. But that's just the risk I have to take.

[kendahke]

Like I said in my other response to your last thread on this:

 

This is the basis for everything going down now:

I left. I then came back two weeks later

 

During the time (1-3.5 months) in a new relationships where your "representatives" are supposedly "on their best behavior", yours demonstrated behavior that caused her to rethink your motives for being with her.

 

This only happens when I try to see her more often.

 

Yeah, because it was the behavior that you ran from at the beginning of the relationship and she doesn't want to go through that mess again. It gets old.

 

Just because you came back doesn't mean she's not hypersensitive now to the next time you're going to get scared, reject her and drop her off, only to reappear two weeks later as if nothing's happened.

[jjbarr19]

Like I said in my other response to your last thread on this:

 

This is the basis for everything going down now:

 

 

During the time (1-3.5 months) in a new relationships where your "representatives" are supposedly "on their best behavior", yours demonstrated behavior that caused her to rethink your motives for being with her.

 

 

 

Yeah, because it was the behavior that you ran from at the beginning of the relationship and she doesn't want to go through that mess again. It gets old.

 

Just because you came back doesn't mean she's not hypersensitive now to the next time you're going to get scared, reject her and drop her off, only to reappear two weeks later as if nothing's happened.

 

Trust me, I regret leaving everyday. Because I know we'd be in a different place if I didn't.

[kendahke]

Trust me, I regret leaving everyday. Because I know we'd be in a different place if I didn't.

 

Nothing is going to spin the earth backwards for a re-do. She already knows what you're capable of and there's no "unringing that bell".

 

Your time would be best used talking with a professional about why you take off and run when emotional closeness becomes apparent, ruining your chances at a happy relationship.

 

Chalk this experience up to you not having learned a serious life lesson about yourself in time for when a relationship you say you wanted came upon you. Try to make this the last time you allow your fear to rule you--because you see where it dropped you off: outside of her trust parameters.

[vla1120]

First, you need to decide exactly what it is you want (and stop punishing her because of what happened in your previous relationship.)

 

If you DO decide you want to be with her, then you simply need to tell her what you are thinking and continue to be honest with her! Anything less than that is playing games.

 

It seems so simple to me. I don't understand why people dance around the truth when it comes to saying what you are thinking/feeling.

[lurker74]

You are acting like a leaf in the wind only the wind is your emotions. Emotions are incredibly useful; they give us the energy to accomplish things that would otherwise go undone. But when we allow the emotions to rule us, they become our tyrants. Your emotions caused you to leave her and now they are causing you to end a relationship with someone who is a person, worried that you will end things. I guess she is right.

 

The first thing I would suggest is to take a breath. No decision has to be made right this moment. She isn't about to kill you or ask you to marry you so a few days won't kill either of you. The second thing you have to do is to realize that happiness comes from within, not from any other person. She cannot make you happy anymore than you can make her happy. But you can share your own happiness with each other, if you stop expecting the other person to be the source of your own happiness.

 

And third, related, drop your expectations. Your expectations of where things are going, where they were, how she does or should feel about you, if you are going to have sex. Expectations are the scaffolding of resentment. Just focus on having a good time and let the chips fall where they may.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she's not very interested any more. Sorry. I think you are wasting your time hoping for anything physical. She seems to be setting things up to avoid it.

[Aveenolover]

Why don't you learn from your first mistake and not act too hastily. You have strong feelings for her, you think you love her...so...why would you break up?

Be patient. She's going through something now. Wait the time she asked for and then tell her you want to see her more often. Yeah, you messed up in the beginning but instead of thinking you ruined your chance with her, see it as a learning opportunity and work on correcting your behavior.