itsdinaah Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 So I met this guy online and started talking to him for 5 months. We didn't get serious until about the third month in. We were just talking it slow and becoming friends first. Fast forward to the fourth month I find out I'm going a business trip and he suggests we both meet up there (we live in different states). So we plan our trip together and everything is going smoothly. We text every day, talk on the phone and FaceTime a few times a week. He sends me a text the day before our trip saying how he doesn't think it'll work out and how he doesn't think we'll ever end up together in the future. I played it cool and just told him good luck and I wished him well. No drama even though I wanted to scream at him lol. I blocked/unblocked him so we could both be not following each other anymore. He's been watching my Instagram stories since the "breakup" since my page is still public and he's also been voting on polls I create. He also he had the audacity to message me some restaurant recommendations lol. What's this guy's deal? Why is he giving me mixed signals and what does he want?
The Outlaw Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 Pay him no heed. If anyone dumps you before the first date, they're never a worth investment anyway. It's best to just move on. 3
basil67 Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 I reckon ajequals is right - there's a wife or girlfriend local to him. He thought meeting you would be fun, but then realised the risks. However, I'm not seeing mixed signals - he's now acting as an acquaintance. Can you block followers on your public social media page? If so, I recommend you do this.
PegNosePete Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 So I met this guy online and started talking to him for 5 months. We didn't get serious until about the third month in. This was your first mistake. You should never get serious with someone you've never met. We were just talking it slow and becoming friends first. This was your second mistake. Never do the friends first thing. It might sound like a good idea especially if you've met losers in the past but it seldom works when you're trying to date. No guy likes to be put in the friend zone, and you're asking him to walk right into it. While you're making friends, he will be dating and making more progress with others. Converting your friendship into a romantic relationship will be much lower priority, especially since that kind of conversion has a very limited chance of success. I would say it's likely that while you were spending 5 months making friends, he was dating others, and has decided to take it further with one of them, and therefore cut you out of the picture. It's also possible the others are right and that he's married. But either way the path forward is clear - ignore or block if you can, and move on -- and next time try to avoid the same mistakes. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 (edited) My suspicion is that he isn't single and she caught on to his trip out of town and he couldn't lie his way out of it. Either that or he'd been dating someone else and decided to take it further with her. Forget about him. He's a lost cause. 5 months and no meeting means it was likely never going to happen. Don't waste that much time just talking to a guy in the future. I am curious, though, how one gets serious with someone they've never met? Edited November 19, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author itsdinaah Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 he's probably married He actually has an ex wife and a three year old daughter. Idk if he has a new girlfriend now though.
Author itsdinaah Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 I reckon ajequals is right - there's a wife or girlfriend local to him. He thought meeting you would be fun, but then realised the risks. However, I'm not seeing mixed signals - he's now acting as an acquaintance. Can you block followers on your public social media page? If so, I recommend you do this. He actually has an ex wife and a 3 year old daughter. I made my page private so he can't spy anymor. 1
Author itsdinaah Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 My suspicion is that he isn't single and she caught on to his trip out of town and he couldn't lie his way out of it. Either that or he'd been dating someone else and decided to take it further with her. Forget about him. He's a lost cause. 5 months and no meeting means it was likely never going to happen. Don't waste that much time just talking to a guy in the future. I am curious, though, how one gets serious with someone they've never met? Not serious as in I declared my undying love lol but more like we talked about meeting, dating and a future together after we met. We both weren't gonna decide anything until after we met.
Author itsdinaah Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 This was your first mistake. You should never get serious with someone you've never met. This was your second mistake. Never do the friends first thing. It might sound like a good idea especially if you've met losers in the past but it seldom works when you're trying to date. No guy likes to be put in the friend zone, and you're asking him to walk right into it. While you're making friends, he will be dating and making more progress with others. Converting your friendship into a romantic relationship will be much lower priority, especially since that kind of conversion has a very limited chance of success. I would say it's likely that while you were spending 5 months making friends, he was dating others, and has decided to take it further with one of them, and therefore cut you out of the picture. It's also possible the others are right and that he's married. But either way the path forward is clear - ignore or block if you can, and move on -- and next time try to avoid the same mistakes. I honestly didn't think he wanted a relationship until he suggested meeting. That's why I didn't dive right in. Plus he has an ex wife and a 3 year old so that was also something I wasn't immediately ready for. By "getting serious" I just mean actually taking him seriously and thinking about the potential to date after we met. But yes I've definitely learned my lesson. Thank you for your insight
PegNosePete Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 Plus he has an ex wife Ha! In light of the new info I don't think she is as much "ex" as he says she is. If he had decided to take this further then I would bet my bottom dollar that in a month's time you'd find out that he calls her ex although they are separated, not legally divorced. And then in another month, oh yeah we're separated but it's an in-house separation, we still live in the same house for financial reasons. And then in another month..... you get the picture. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 What's this guy's deal? Why is he giving me mixed signals and what does he want? He's probably married & thus is not free to meet you. The divorce probably isn't final but he was lonely so he used you to heal his broken heart. He never had any intention of actually meeting you. He wants a sexy pen pal but not a real relationship. He also knows this is not workable with you because he doesn't want to move & he doesn't really want you to move. I am worried about you based on some of your word choices. You haven't met anybody. You were strung along for 5 months, which is ridiculous. 5 weeks is too much time wasted on an OLD match who won't meet. You characterize this as being "dumped." You can't be dumped if you never had a relationship. You didn't have a relationship because you never met. You had an on line fantasy that felt warm & fuzzy but it was never real. Simply disconnect from him on all platforms & live your life. In your next foray into OLD pick matches who are closer to you
Author itsdinaah Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 Ha! In light of the new info I don't think she is as much "ex" as he says she is. If he had decided to take this further then I would bet my bottom dollar that in a month's time you'd find out that he calls her ex although they are separated, not legally divorced. And then in another month, oh yeah we're separated but it's an in-house separation, we still live in the same house for financial reasons. And then in another month..... you get the picture. I creeped on his "ex's" page. She deleted all his pictures and his family isn't following her anymore so I'm not sure if they're still married. He also mentioned once she's getting remarried. He could still have feeliings for her.
Author itsdinaah Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 He's probably married & thus is not free to meet you. The divorce probably isn't final but he was lonely so he used you to heal his broken heart. He never had any intention of actually meeting you. He wants a sexy pen pal but not a real relationship. He also knows this is not workable with you because he doesn't want to move & he doesn't really want you to move. I am worried about you based on some of your word choices. You haven't met anybody. You were strung along for 5 months, which is ridiculous. 5 weeks is too much time wasted on an OLD match who won't meet. You characterize this as being "dumped." You can't be dumped if you never had a relationship. You didn't have a relationship because you never met. You had an on line fantasy that felt warm & fuzzy but it was never real. Simply disconnect from him on all platforms & live your life. In your next foray into OLD pick matches who are closer to you I'm sure he's not over his ex. Or maybe he's in another relationship who knows. I'm not sure why you're being so harsh about online dating and long distance relationships. Both of my older sisters are in successful marriages that began with long distance. One lived in another state and the other lived in another country. Long distance is possible if both parties are willing to commit and be serious about it. I also wasn't strung along for 5 months. As I mentioned, I didn't take him seriously until about a month or two ago. So it was only a month or two of being strung along. Thank you for your thoughts. I will definitely block him and move on.
vla1120 Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 Based on what you've said, the only thing I can think is that he's not who he says he is? Since you have access to his social media, I'm assuming you've been able to confirm his identity? Who knows? for whatever reason, maybe he felt more comfortable with an online relationship and didn't want to move it to RL. Now you no longer need to waste time on him.
Author itsdinaah Posted November 19, 2019 Author Posted November 19, 2019 Based on what you've said, the only thing I can think is that he's not who he says he is? Since you have access to his social media, I'm assuming you've been able to confirm his identity? Who knows? for whatever reason, maybe he felt more comfortable with an online relationship and didn't want to move it to RL. Now you no longer need to waste time on him. I can confirm how he looks and who his ex wife is but in terms of his job and other things there's no way to know for sure. That makes sense though. He wants more of a pen pal and less of a real girlfriend. Honestly the situation has just been entertaining cause he liked my pictures, re-added me and has been creeping. I'm probably gonna block him.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 How do you know his ex-wife's name to be able to find her online? In any case, this might have nothing to do with her at all. He could be dating someone else altogether. Whatever his reason, I wouldn't bother interacting with him anymore. To pull out the day before the trip tells me he wasn't being entirely honest with you about something, and it won't be worth trying to resurrect it.
Twizzlestick Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 It’s not a dumping if you weren’t in a rele. You’d never met no? It’s someone who flakes on a first date. All he is is a fantasy, a construct in the mind filled out by the messages he sent. Your mind is pining a figurine it’s created. He likely doesn’t exist in real life as your mind made him out to be anyway. Also you were planning a trip for the first date? Am I right in that? Lots of things I’ve noticed about the way this has gone seems to be wrong way round. Talking about planning a future together before you’ve clapped eyes etc. Not trying to be a kill joy more a realist. I’d be flagged up if someone I’d never met viewed a change of mind prior to a first date as being dumped. I’ve also had someone talk a future together prior to the first date. Equally flag waving. Just block. In future just mark the progress on dates and real life meets, not on texts. And hold your mental commitment horses until you have some track miles together in person.
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