How would you interpret this first date?

[max3732]

My plan was to meet her at a restaurant for brunch. After I parked she sends me a text that the place was really crowded and can we go to this other place. I agree and she asks where I am and can I drive her there. I was kind of taken back since I generally don't like to pick up strangers but I agreed.

 

This gave us a good chance to talk in the car as we attempted to find a place to park and then we walked to the new restaurant. While we were walking there I did some light touches when possible, but I really feel like a baby taking his first steps. I'm not sure how she's supposed to react, but she didn't move back or anything.

 

We talked about all kinds of topics, including our experiences with OLD. I also tried to tell jokes and asked her about things that make her laugh. I'm still not sure about creating this "flirty vibe" that I need to with dating. Then when I asked if I could drop her off she asked what else I had planned that day. The truth was I felt exhausted and was going to watch TV or read at home, but then she said she was thinking it might be nice to go to a movie together.

 

Again, this caught me off guard, but I agreed. While we were at the movies I checked and the arm wrest didn't come up so I couldn't figure out how to casually brush against her arm. The theater also wasn't completely dark and there were people sitting right behind us that could see us so I felt a bit self conscious about putting my arm around her, but was thinking about how to do that during the whole movie. I was going to use the excuse that I thought she was cold, but at the restaurant she said she's always cold so she brought a jacket. Also during the movie she kept coughing and was sneezing a few times and even though she told her it was an allergy and it wasn't contagious or anything I was a bit afraid to get too close.

 

After the movie we talked for a bit walking back to the car and then I dropped her off. When we got to the spot where she got out of the car she said "I'll just give you a hug because of my allergies." Then as I turned towards her she again said forcefully, "just a hug". So at least it was an easy decision about going for a kiss or not.

 

How would you say it went? What can I improve?

[ChatroomHero]

Stop planning moves and waiting for a calculated moment. You are over thinking it. Relax and have fun and go with the moment. If an opportunity arises, take it. Just don't look for all the stars to align to make something happen.

[alphamale]

max, look, you are trying to hard and this is a classic case of paralysis by over analysis. chill out man

 

when two people are truly attracted to each other all this stuff happens by itself, you don't have to thing this or that or what if, blah blah blah.

 

btw, what movie did you see, did she enjoy it?

[Lotsgoingon]

You're thinking too soon about creating a flirty vibe.

 

Meet the person first. Interact with the person. Listen to the person. Hear their voice, think about what they're saying. Share some stories and info about yourself.

 

If you guys like each other, you'll get your hands on each other without really trying.

[preraph]

She likes you okay. Who wants to kiss someone sneezing, right? At least she got that. And sounds like next time when she's not sneezing, she's down for kissing. Not sure about you two being compatible personality-wise since you didn't like her kind of taking charge, which she definitely did do, but she likes you okay so far.

[SumGuy]

Her asking for a ride I consider a big plus, gets to talk to you, you got a bit of the chivalry thing going. Yah she took a little charge which is a good sign. No guarantees though.

 

Like everyone said, relax. Think how well it went with you nervous.

 

When’s the next date?

[alphamale]

looks like Max is MIA

[max3732]

max, look, you are trying to hard and this is a classic case of paralysis by over analysis. chill out man

 

when two people are truly attracted to each other all this stuff happens by itself, you don't have to thing this or that or what if, blah blah blah.

 

btw, what movie did you see, did she enjoy it?

 

We saw Midway. She seemed to enjoy it, but I think she would have liked this other chick flick more, although I don't know if I could have taken the chick flick.

 

We've texted each other afterwards but haven't setup the next date yet. I'm thinking maybe next weekend.

 

Also, this was a different date than the movie date I posted about before. With that one she kept saying she was running late and I cancelled it since it seemed like she had so much going on, but we are going to reschedule.

Edited November 18, 2019 by max3732

[alphamale]

max I can't see too many women being into Midway. Take her to a chick flick next time. Remember that with girls less is more. Play it cool

[fromheart]

If a woman ordered me to give her 'just a hug,' I'd wouldn't hug her out of self respect. If she finds you that unattractive that she must order you to give 'just a hug,' simply drop her like a stone.

 

Go for a woman who can't wait to be all over you. Much more fun and worthy of time investment.

[ChatroomHero]

We saw Midway. She seemed to enjoy it, but I think she would have liked this other chick flick more, although I don't know if I could have taken the chick flick.

 

We've texted each other afterwards but haven't setup the next date yet. I'm thinking maybe next weekend.

 

Also, this was a different date than the movie date I posted about before. With that one she kept saying she was running late and I cancelled it since it seemed like she had so much going on, but we are going to reschedule.

 

So there are a couple of things here. It's a minor point but you have a right to see a movie you want to see too and you should not be overthinking if you should have maybe put your balls in her purse and went to the chick flick to appease her. That's what it sounds like you might be thinking. Frankly, either it's a movie you both want to see or you do something else. That's a confident move that considers both of you. If she didn't want to see it, she would have said no. I think you may dwell on things like that and that smells of low confidence. I wouldn't give two seconds thought whether she liked it or not...and not in a bad way...it's just that I didn't write the movie, she either liked it or didn't, that's as far as I think about that. It doesn't mean to discount what she wants or likes, but frankly if you think about that enough to type it in here, you are already overthinking it.

 

You say you texted back and forth afterwards but haven't set up the next date. Why not?

 

It's real easy...you free Friday? No? Saturday? Not sure, have to check your schedule, think a friend might be coming to town...that means you have no plans yet and I am asking you first. No commitment on her end means 'Ok, no date even though as of right now you are free with no set plans, maybe I'll hit you up the following Monday to plan something for the next week. Then again you seem a little low interest so maybe not'.

 

The second part is too much back and forth texting without confirming a date like, right away, might make you feel secure that she is responding and validates you, but really you're just wasting the getting to you know date conversation topics and removing the mystery that motivates her to see you and looking a little timid to ask her out.

 

If you go to a pizza place and want a slice of pizza, you confidently say, "I want a slice of pizza". You don't chat about the weather and how many cats the girl behind the counter has. Same thing here. A confident guy says, "I want to schedule another date with you" and throws it into the atmosphere and handles the response either way.

 

If after the last date and texts afterward you didn't set up another date, it smacks of low confidence because you want to ask her, she assumes you want to ask her, but you are probably just making pointless small talk in chat. She'll pick up on that. She'll think this guy is nervous to ask me out again and move on.

 

So overall the only things it sounds like to me you are doing wrong are being a little too considerate (over analyzing small stuff) and not asking for what you want.

Edited November 19, 2019 by ChatroomHero

[basil67]

max I can't see too many women being into Midway. Take her to a chick flick next time. Remember that with girls less is more. Play it cool

 

I'd like to see Midway

 

Half the fun of going to a movie is deciding what you'd BOTH like to see. Our first date movie was Buffy the Vampire Slayer The whole 'what to see' discussion adds to discussion topics while you're together. Kudos to her for seeing an action movie though.

[max3732]

Frankly, either it's a movie you both want to see or you do something else. That's a confident move that considers both of you. If she didn't want to see it, she would have said no.

You say you texted back and forth afterwards but haven't set up the next date. Why not?

 

It's real easy...you free Friday? No? Saturday? Not sure, have to check your schedule, think a friend might be coming to town...that means you have no plans yet and I am asking you first. No commitment on her end means 'Ok, no date even though as of right now you are free with no set plans, maybe I'll hit you up the following Monday to plan something for the next week. Then again you seem a little low interest so maybe not'.

 

If you go to a pizza place and want a slice of pizza, you confidently say, "I want a slice of pizza". You don't chat about the weather and how many cats the girl behind the counter has. Same thing here. A confident guy says, "I want to schedule another date with you" and throws it into the atmosphere and handles the response either way.

 

So overall the only things it sounds like to me you are doing wrong are being a little too considerate (over analyzing small stuff) and not asking for what you want.

 

To be honest the reason I haven't asked her out yet is maybe a little shallow on my part. I genuinely enjoyed being with her and thought the conversation went well and she is a great person to be around. The problem is that physically there is something about her that bothers me and I don't feel right describing exactly what it is, but it's something with her smile. I don't know if it's correctable or not, but it's not something I find attractive.

 

Now I know I'm not James Bond or anything and have my own physical flaws, but I feel a bit funny with someone I don't feel attracted to when she's laughing or smiling. Other than that physically she's everything I ever wanted. So I feel very guilty and don't know if I would later regret letting her get away because of it, but at the same time I feel a bit uncomfortable asking her out.

 

In general I think you're right that I overanalyze the small stuff. It just seems like with dating 1 wrong move and you're out.

[Grey40]

To be honest the reason I haven't asked her out yet is maybe a little shallow on my part. I genuinely enjoyed being with her and thought the conversation went well and she is a great person to be around. The problem is that physically there is something about her that bothers me and I don't feel right describing exactly what it is, but it's something with her smile. I don't know if it's correctable or not, but it's not something I find attractive.

 

Now I know I'm not James Bond or anything and have my own physical flaws, but I feel a bit funny with someone I don't feel attracted to when she's laughing or smiling. Other than that physically she's everything I ever wanted. So I feel very guilty and don't know if I would later regret letting her get away because of it, but at the same time I feel a bit uncomfortable asking her out.

 

In general I think you're right that I overanalyze the small stuff. It just seems like with dating 1 wrong move and you're out.

 

So you started this entire thread and conversation over a girl you're not even attracted to? Come on man. You must be attracted, because it certainly seemed like you cared a lot about the outcome.

 

Look at her actions. She likes you. She wouldn't have suggested going to a movie and continuing the date longer if she wasn't. Clearest cut sign. The "Just a hug" thing was her hoping you'd actually try and kiss her. She was testing to see if you'd do it or not. But, only if the vibe was right. If it seemed like you could have kissed her, you should have. Didn't have to be a make out session or anything.

 

Getting a hug on the first date to me is a really bad sign. I've never entered into a relationship or anything before in my life where we just hugged on the first date. There was at least a light kiss on the lips. If a girl wouldn't kiss I'd assume she wasn't feeling it and never call her again honestly.

[Zinging]

So you started this entire thread and conversation over a girl you're not even attracted to? Come on man. You must be attracted, because it certainly seemed like you cared a lot about the outcome.

 

Look at her actions. She likes you. She wouldn't have suggested going to a movie and continuing the date longer if she wasn't. Clearest cut sign. The "Just a hug" thing was her hoping you'd actually try and kiss her. She was testing to see if you'd do it or not. But, only if the vibe was right. If it seemed like you could have kissed her, you should have. Didn't have to be a make out session or anything.

 

Getting a hug on the first date to me is a really bad sign. I've never entered into a relationship or anything before in my life where we just hugged on the first date. There was at least a light kiss on the lips. If a girl wouldn't kiss I'd assume she wasn't feeling it and never call her again honestly.

 

I'm sure you mean well. But, taking up the challenge of turning a girl's NO into YES, can more often than not lead to a dating disaster rather than a chemistry-experiment turned into success story by a stroke-of-luck.

 

It's different if it was a husband-wife/long term bf-gf dynamic, where partners know each other well. But, on the first date, when he doesn't know the girl - the gamble could end up flashing a very undesirable light on Max's intentions if he went down that path.

Men often ask women to communicate, and not expect others to mind-read their thoughts. This girl has done just that here.

In an age where people are ghosting like it was the new style statement, this girl honoured her date despite her awkward cough/sneeze situation, and was overall gracious about it. She seems to know what she is doing. And since it is not often that one hears that a girl comes straight out and says "Just a Hug", I get the feeling that she's had a few unwanted physical encounters during her 1st/2nd dates in the past. Why we've had some bad forced tongue-kissing stories on this very forum over the past week that reiterate this point. So, it's better in this media-savvy me-too era to follow her cues - especially, if she has clearly stated it.

As an admirer of enigmatic personalities myself, I can see why such approaches take the mystery out of early dating for those who like to play the game. But, overall better safe than sorry.

 

And Max, I wouldn't be too worried about coming across as shallow wrt physical attraction - that is, if your standards are reasonable otherwise and in match with your own appearances/personality. Besides, a smile is something that defines someone and if we are not attracted to it, we are not. This would be kinder than going out with her and doing the "Only if her smile were different" mind-routine every time.

 

I understand; it's different if you would have met her in another setting, struck conversations, and feelings eventually grew. Emotional attraction felt from within is like corrective glasses - it can easily fix many issues that the eyes might otherwise spot. But in dating it's the other way around - and starts with physical attraction. Mean this in a positive way for the both of you - but, she'll be better matched with someone, who never even bats an eyelid about her quirky smile because he's too smitten by her personality to notice.

Edited November 22, 2019 by Zinging

[smackie9]

I'd like to see Midway

 

Me too! I'm such a war history buff, I'm really excited to go see it. I went to Peril Harbor when I was 4 or 5 back in the 60's with my Grandpa. I was upset they wouldn't let me on the submarine that was docked there because I was a female. oh well my brother got to go on lucky bastard lol.

 

 

Anyways OP you got this. If you want things to go smoothly, Spend your time focusing on her, not you. Be a good listener, smile lots, be relaxed, sweet, witty, and good eye contact. Eye contact is key....better than physical contact. If she sees you sweating, it's gonna go sour fast.

Edited November 22, 2019 by smackie9

[max3732]

I'm sure you mean well. But, taking up the challenge of turning a girl's NO into YES, can more often than not lead to a dating disaster rather than a chemistry-experiment turned into success story by a stroke-of-luck.

 

It's different if it was a husband-wife/long term bf-gf dynamic, where partners know each other well. But, on the first date, when he doesn't know the girl - the gamble could end up flashing a very undesirable light on Max's intentions if he went down that path.

Men often ask women to communicate, and not expect others to mind-read their thoughts. This girl has done just that here.

In an age where people are ghosting like it was the new style statement, this girl honoured her date despite her awkward cough/sneeze situation, and was overall gracious about it. She seems to know what she is doing. And since it is not often that one hears that a girl comes straight out and says "Just a Hug", I get the feeling that she's had a few unwanted physical encounters during her 1st/2nd dates in the past. Why we've had some bad forced tongue-kissing stories on this very forum over the past week that reiterate this point. So, it's better in this media-savvy me-too era to follow her cues - especially, if she has clearly stated it.

As an admirer of enigmatic personalities myself, I can see why such approaches take the mystery out of early dating for those who like to play the game. But, overall better safe than sorry.

 

And Max, I wouldn't be too worried about coming across as shallow wrt physical attraction - that is, if your standards are reasonable otherwise and in match with your own appearances/personality. Besides, a smile is something that defines someone and if we are not attracted to it, we are not. This would be kinder than going out with her and doing the "Only if her smile were different" mind-routine every time.

 

I understand; it's different if you would have met her in another setting, struck conversations, and feelings eventually grew. Emotional attraction felt from within is like corrective glasses - it can easily fix many issues that the eyes might otherwise spot. But in dating it's the other way around - and starts with physical attraction. Mean this in a positive way for the both of you - but, she'll be better matched with someone, who never even bats an eyelid about her quirky smile because he's too smitten by her personality to notice.

 

Thanks! I feel better after reading your post. When I started the OP I was very strongly thinking about asking her out again.

 

After going out with her I felt very conflicted. On the one hand I think she's a wonderful person. She seemed to really care about me, was considerate, educated, athletic, and I think personality wise we were a great match. Overall I liked her body too. In fact she has an incredible body from head to to toe overall. It's just something off with her smile that bothered me everytime I looked at it.

 

So I've been thinking about how imperfect I am and all of my physical and other issues and how much I want to date and have a family and am wondering if I'm doing the right thing letting her smile get in the way of that. I talked to some close friends/family and they said the same thing as you, which is that if I'm not attracted to her because of it than I'm not attracted and it would be a mistake to pursue her. It still makes me feel guilty, but I know it's the right call.

[haikss3]

Don't know if it's your writing style or you or her or both but the way you describe date it sounds terrible. Don't seem like enjoying the moment, being in present moment, having something in common. Did you find each other on dating site? That could explain things.

 

I ussualy don't even think about touching girl on first date. First date is all about talking. Sure there are exceptions, when perfect moment comes or are created, or emotions takes over but generally it's good to be interested in girl and ask a lot of questions.

 

Anyway start don't matter so much as the finish line does. So if you meet again then first date don't matter that much, but what matters is how things progress or regress.

[max3732]

Don't know if it's your writing style or you or her or both but the way you describe date it sounds terrible. Don't seem like enjoying the moment, being in present moment, having something in common. Did you find each other on dating site? That could explain things.

 

I ussualy don't even think about touching girl on first date. First date is all about talking. Sure there are exceptions, when perfect moment comes or are created, or emotions takes over but generally it's good to be interested in girl and ask a lot of questions.

 

Anyway start don't matter so much as the finish line does. So if you meet again then first date don't matter that much, but what matters is how things progress or regress.

 

It was actually really enjoyable for me. Seemed like she enjoyed it too since she asked me to go to the movies. I genuinely enjoyed talking to her and thought we shared some deeper things with each other. We did meet on a dating site, but it felt like we'd known each other for years.

 

Some of my other 1st dates have been extremely uncomfortable.

[haikss3]

Well then I can say, don't worry about looks cause after 40 days looks don't matter since you are used to them. At least that's one of the sayings.

Compliment her on her looks and see how she shines with you.