dangerous Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Just some observations to share after my latest dating experience. I've been seeing a lady for around 3 weeks. Both in our 50's we met on OLD. we liked the photos so after a few messages we swapped numbers and met up. First date went quite well: Saturday afternoon drink. Both attractive to eachother, good conversation, lots of smiles, agreed a follow up date. Walked her to her car, when I kissed her on cheek, was obvious she wasn't comfortable (yet) with a kiss. fair enough but it felt a little over-cautious. I learnt that she had a large family, 4 grown up children, 2 dogs, lots of hobbies, parents still alive (albeit ill) and lots of friends and busy career: wow has she time for a relationship I'm thinking? Second date, Friday night, short theatre show (my treat) then to a bar afterwards to get to know eachother. I hadn't seen her for a week and she wasn't communicative in the week by text or calls. Although I put my arm round her as we walked, again no goodnight kiss. But she agreed she wanted to see me the following week. Again, I texted but not much back. A couple days later, she tells me she has the flu. I believe its true, she had to take time off work. Next two weeks, I ask how she is, offer to call her, or visit if she's up to it. I get only one text every 3 days. I don't read into it too much, thinking she's just ill and not feeling sociable. Due to her illness I lose tickets for a show booked the following weekend which she knows. That's life I think. Anyway two and a half weeks later, she says she's better and we arrange to meet for a meal this time. She looks great and we have a nice time and learn more about eachother. We both had 20 year marriages behind us and both single for 5 years. I had a couple relationships but she had none for 5 years and she told me not even a fling or any physical contact. I guessed this explained the hesitance on her part for not being tactile. I picked up that this was all about her, what she was like, her life, her commitments to family and work, she really didn't seem to ask much about me, not even about the lost show tickets from the week before. My gut reaction was she is selfish, but I questioned whether she was just more reserved and slower pace than my previous (more passionate) relationships. This time when we walked to her car, SHE took my arm, and when we hugged goodnight, she came closer to me for a kiss. But this time it took me by surprise as I had held back due to her behaviour so far. Hmmm. As she had just got over an illness and was back to work the following day, we weren't late but we said we'd meet at the weekend, to be confirmed after she was back at work with shift patterns. Again texts scarce and I'm really feeling its not right. So I text her (if I call she lets it go to vmail) and say great lets meet sunday, let me know what time you're ready... A day later (ok she's been working) she texts me to tell me it's all over (lol) as we are looking for different things and she's "not needy" (WTF I've been needy?). Anyway, of course i'm out, no regrets. It's just that I concluded that despite this lady getting back onto the dating game, she clearly doesn't have the time or interest to actually give a relationship a chance. Although I'm still looking for my next relationship, this has reminded me to follow my gut and not compromise on what I feel comfortable with. Any thoughts on this, or similar experiences?
dramallama Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I don't know if this was necessarily a case of busyness, I read it as her not being ready. 5 years alone with NO physical contact is a long time, she'll find it hard to get intimate with a stranger I expect. She saw you twice wtihin a few days, then nothing for 2.5 weeks as she was ill, once more then likely realised she wasn't that interested after all / ready to pursue something. Sorry to hear it though, and for what it's worth you don't sound needy to me. The guy I'm dating is a huge texter - maybe initiating exchanges 3-5 times a day, every day... but he's super busy and I'm busy too (we've seen each other 7 times since 1st Sept when we met), and actually he's consistent which is important to me, and it feels like keeping us connected, rather than 'needy'. You have a different communication style to that woman, and she doesn't know what she wants. At least you didn't waste any more time! 1
Author dangerous Posted November 17, 2019 Author Posted November 17, 2019 dramallama thanks. "Sorry to hear it though, and for what it's worth you don't sound needy to me. The guy I'm dating is a huge texter - maybe initiating exchanges 3-5 times a day, every day... but he's super busy and I'm busy too (we've seen each other 7 times since 1st Sept when we met), and actually he's consistent which is important to me, and it feels like keeping us connected, rather than 'needy'. " That's exactly what I feel. Even if you're busy, you care. And consistency.
Author dangerous Posted November 17, 2019 Author Posted November 17, 2019 PS: as to communication style... She "dumped" me by text, and blocked me from replying (not that I've anything much to say to her)
dramallama Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 She sounds like my mum, scarily. My mum has a personality disorder, with a side helping of narcissism. She's COLD, though she comes across as warm. After a year of dating and frequent sleepovers, children introduced, a man proposed to her. She told him she just viewed him as a social partner and never spoke to him again. She also blocks down all means of refute/ retaliation as a way of dealing with conflict. In my mum's case, she'd just vanish off for a few years, moving to a different country etc. I think you've dodged a bullet 1
smackie9 Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I suspect she has anxiety, and with that has trouble trusting people...that would explain her being very absorbed with family and her hobbies. It's because they feel safe to her. Her going in for a kiss was her trying to push herself to just do it and stop being afraid, but your reaction to it probably discouraged her immensely. She called it off because she feels like an idiot and obviously her problem is just too much. She scampered back into her snail shell. She obviously couldn't handle confrontation either so she blocked you quick. 3
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 , this has reminded me to follow my gut and not compromise on what I feel comfortable with. Any thoughts on this, or similar experiences? Doing just that -- trusting your gut -- will serve you well. Best wishes 1
FMW Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I agree with the others, she just wasn't ready. But it appears she either has no self awareness and/or is very defensive. It was rude for her to say she wasn't needy, indicating you were. 1
smackie9 Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Well I think the lack of romantic activity for 5 years is a pretty good indicator that this was going to be a dead end .
Tamfana Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Yeah I’ve had similar experiences and I’ve assumed that my dates stayed on the fence for a long while like I do. Feeling “eh” is sort of the first clue but I give it another date or two in case I was off one day, distracted or had drawn hasty conclusions.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Anytime I'm working hard at the start of a relationship ... or in getting to know someone on the way to deciding if we're going to have a relationship ... it's a major red flag, telling me that this person isn't a good fit for me. You were working way too hard ... she wasn't responsive to texts. By saying you were working way too hard, I don't mean in an off-putting way ... I mean she simply wasn't as responsive as you would want someone to be on a date. On the date where you found she wasn't really asking much about you, that's scene cut! Stop! End the movie right there! You absolutely have to find someone who is interested in you and asks you questions. In this case, it sounds less to me like lack of interest in you ... and more some basic social ineptitude on her part. Either way, it's a red flag. Oh ... it's actually quite a great thing that you didn't jump in response to her warmth at the end of the most recent date! That was your body and nervous system acting quite smartly. Note: this says you were already kinda shutdown and not feeling close to her and trusting of her. So your hesitation was itself sign that you didn't trust her. Pay attention to that! I think you handled this all quite well. You gave her a chance. You didn't run at first sign of problem ... But ... in fact, you sensed something was off from the start. Her discomfort with a cheek kiss when you felt that was in order, that was a sign there--though you were smart not to quit right then. Keep going brother. There are lots of folks out there like this woman. Don't let her stymie or confuse you. She just isn't a good fit for a relationship with you.
preraph Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 i think she's picking up on the "neediness" because of the texting dynamic. Of course, I don't know what if anything you're saying to her if she doesn't text back soon. But you did use the word "text" six times in the post in the context of you texted and she didn't text right back, so I have to assume this angst is also apparent to her. Lots of people don't do "relationship by texting." That said, doesn't sound like much chemistry between you two anyway. You gave it a shot. I bet you can find a better match. 1
carhill Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Hey, you had a couple dates. IMO, keep the socializing simple, don't expect the moon but cut things off decisively if you're not feeling interest and equity. At some point, perhaps, someone will hang around longer and be interested in you. 50's isn't easy in the dating arena. Good on ya for trying. 1
SumGuy Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Your text behavior doesn’t sound outside plus/minus one sigma of the norm. Hers could be just far lower, so you seem needy to her. However breaking it off with such a parting comment is low class in my opinion and evidence of someone trying to compensate for something (or projection but probably not projection here). To me it is a clear sign of a person who doesn’t have their emotional sh*t together so to speak. I’d feel sad for her, it’s not a good sign to be in your 50s and not gained some perspective and self awareness and that just because someone likes more communication doesn’t make them needy, as her low text rate doesn’t necessarily make her distant. Took her 5 years to get to dating you, time marches on for us all...especially at 50. By the time she gets her head around what it is like to date in her 50s she’ll be in her 60s. It’s a common mistake. 1
Author dangerous Posted November 17, 2019 Author Posted November 17, 2019 Thank you all so much for your comments and support. It was a disappointment/shock to be text-dumped this morning and be referred to as needy when I really didn't think I was or am... But I had a great day (Sunday) today just chilling and looking forward to a few social things in the next few weeks, so feeling totally "over it" now. 1
Inspire Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 She wasn't invested, which is probably why she thought you were "needy" and that may not have been because of anything you did. It could have also been her way of responding to having been rejected for a kiss. Either way, her comment was completely unnecessary and showed she lacked any class. The world is full of double standards. Had this been something she wanted to pursue eagerly, she would have made all the time in the world to communicate and would have expected the same in return.
spiderowl Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 She doesn't sound very nice actually. Sorry this happened. I think you were right; she did not have time for a relationship. There are some people who have so much going on - family, children, grandchildren, hobbies, groups, passionate about housework - that they really do not need anything else. I think if she'd been enthusiastic, she would have kept in touch more during the times you were apart. Ever onwards ...
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 It's just that I concluded that despite this lady getting back onto the dating game, she clearly doesn't have the time or interest to actually give a relationship a chance. Not necessarily true. She just got back into dating so the chances of "clicking" with someone early doors was unlikely surely? Busy people are never busy when something extraordinary pops up, she didn't find you "extraordinary" enough. Cost benefit analysis comes into play. But saying that she likely spent 5 years no doubt grieving for her husband and her old life. I feel that this busyness with family, children, grandchildren, hobbies, groups, passionate about housework, volunteering, charity work... etc. etc can be a symptom of an unhappy marriage and a woman who tries to fill up her life with "stuff" to get over the heartache of being in an unfulfilling marriage, probably with an emotionally unavailable man. Now divorced, she still fills up all her time with "stuff" to stop her falling apart, so there is now no actual room for a new man... We both had 20 year marriages behind us and both single for 5 years. I had a couple relationships but she had none for 5 years and she told me not even a fling or any physical contact. ^^^This may have been the deal breaker for her. She knows she is the loyal type who felt things deeply after 20 years of marriage. It has taken her 5 years to even consider dating, whereas you "forgot" your wife pretty quick and dived into other relationships... you were so "needy" you couldn't bear to be alone... Just a thought. as to her mindset.
fromheart Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 There was low interest on her part. Next. Is there any reason you are not dating younger women?
lurker74 Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 I agree with Smackie. This has anxiety written all over it. She didn't respond to texts or answer calls not necessarily because she wasn't interested but because it stressed her out. Then she felt guilty for not being responsive and did what those who suffer from anxiety do...they blame others (this is not a dig on those with anxiety disorders; it's just the most common coping technique, with deep depression being the next). You really never had a chance, OP. You did nothing wrong, so remember what a guy over on this side of the pond once said: "Be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that was in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.” Don't be afraid to jump on the next stove lid when she comes along. 1
Author dangerous Posted November 18, 2019 Author Posted November 18, 2019 (edited) There was low interest on her part. Next. Is there any reason you are not dating younger women? TBH I'd like to date younger women. I am in exceptional shape (I work out a lot and have good fashion sense etc.). On OLD I just don't get younger hits/replies. And in real life I seem to have lost confidence in approaching younger women, pre-empting that I am too old and they'll not be interested. The strange thing is my interests are young eg. modern punk music, gigs etc. Tattoos. Edited November 18, 2019 by dangerous
fromheart Posted November 19, 2019 Posted November 19, 2019 TBH I'd like to date younger women. I am in exceptional shape (I work out a lot and have good fashion sense etc.). On OLD I just don't get younger hits/replies. And in real life I seem to have lost confidence in approaching younger women, pre-empting that I am too old and they'll not be interested. The strange thing is my interests are young eg. modern punk music, gigs etc. Tattoos. So we've hit the nail on the head here. You'd like to be dating younger women. So this is what to work for. 2
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