Geminifeed Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 If someone (during a very bad break up) said to you, "When I look at you I see all of my failures." how would you take that? Just looking for opinions because it is still bothering me. He said many other negative things, but this one really stuck with me. Thank you!
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 What a weird thing to say. I have no idea what that even means and would have some questions for anyone who'd say that to me. My first thought is, "If you're looking at me thinking of your own failures, it seems to me you don't have boundaries that establish who you are as a separate person from me." I mean, a little baby has to grow out of the idea that he/she and his/her mother are one person. It's a very immature perspective.
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 I'd be hurt & upset just like you are but in a calmer moment I'd realize that this is somebody projecting & failing to take responsibility for their own choices. In time I'd be happy I dodged a bullet 1
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 how would you take that? I would have responded "I understand. Dating you has helped me realize what I DON'T want in a partner". If this was part of a barrage of negative things, have to put it in context. His loss ... Mr. Lucky 1
preraph Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 It's not a slight on you. He means he failed on this relationship like he's failed many times before.
stillafool Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 If someone (during a very bad break up) said to you, "When I look at you I see all of my failures." how would you take that? Just looking for opinions because it is still bothering me. He said many other negative things, but this one really stuck with me. Thank you! I would think they were blaming me for their ****ty life. 1
Author Geminifeed Posted November 16, 2019 Author Posted November 16, 2019 For context, we were engaged and together for 14 years and living together for 12 of those.
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 That context just solidifies are opinions: he was projecting his failures on you. In the short term, I'm sorry for the end of your relationship but in the long run you are probably better off.
norudder Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 It's not a slight on you. He means he failed on this relationship like he's failed many times before. I agree with this perspective. Because he said his failures, not yours. I recently read a book about the subconscious fears driving most (not all) behavior in relationships being abandonment, emotional or physical or financial etc (usually women) or shame of failing, to protect or provide, (usually men). I think it's a very vulnerable statement to admit, if a bit self pitying. I wouldn't be taking it personally or getting upset over it. 1
ajequals Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I believe he is referring to his failures with you ,not that you are one of his failures. men are not the deep thinkers women are ,we say what we think is right in the moment.
basil67 Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I would interpret that as being the relationship with you was yet another thing he messed up. But without context to what actually broke your relationship, we can only make wild guesses.
Mrin Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I believe he is referring to his failures with you ,not that you are one of his failures. men are not the deep thinkers women are ,we say what we think is right in the moment. Yes. That's how I would have meant it if I said it. That when I look at you I am reminded of all the times I failed you/us.
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Only he knows what was in his mind to have said something this odd and ambivalent. I hate for you to try to assign a meaning to it because you could be off and come away with something that's not accurate. Can you ask him? Or have the two of you had your final words?
spiderowl Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 I would assume it means he's a crappy guy because what kind of person would say that to anyone? He does not have the sensitivity to be in any kind of relationship. Although it has hurt you, please do not judge yourself by what some insensitive idiot says. It tells you he is unkind and undiplomatic, not the sort of person you want to be dating. He's got some hang-up about failure which he is projecting onto you. Leave him to his obsessions.
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