kathb3 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 I have some anxiety about a situation I am in with a guy I like. We've met when online gaming a few weeks ago. At first we played in a group and then realized we got along, so we started playing just the two of us. When we deepend our conversation, we realized that I am 13 years older. This didn't seem like an issue, until we realized how much we have in common and that we took an interest in each other. I am almost 33 and he is 20! In my head, I am trying to rationalize how this would never be something of substance. I remember how I was at 20 and all the great things I have accomplished and experienced since, and how much I have grown. Who was I even then? Was I even capable of being with someone? Of loving someone? Was I aware of the many things that are guiding me now? How did I make it thus far? And where is he, compared to where I was at that age? Yet he's soft and open about his feelings, not jaded like so many older men I've dated. He's trusting and kind and I feel he respects and values me, likely much more than many men I've dated in the past. Of course, this is all mere judgment based on a lack of in-person interaction. All we have is texts, voice memos, calls and the game voice-chat, and some pictures/videos we've sent each other. He doesn't live very far away and we've talked about meeting up in the near future to see what happens. I've been dating a lot of people (my age and older) and never seemed to like anyone beyond a first or second date. Now I have butterflies for the first time in almost 3 years. Part of me feels this is wrong. Then I think about how men do this all the time, date younger women, and it seems to be normalized. But I did, in fact, condemn my best friend for dating an 18 year old when he was 29. At the time, I was concerned about his capability to influence her in ways in which they'd not be equals, due to a power dynamic in which the younger person may be consciously or subconsciously groomed into an emotionally submissive position. Perhaps this is my fear also, with me and this guy. I am afraid of the influence I could have, and I do not want to be in that position. Is this fear rational or not? I am pondering this guy may not be the partner for the rest of my life, due to his lack of life experience, but should I miss out on a possibly valuable time with someone I connect with on a deeper level, because a) I am afraid what others think of me if I go for it, and b) I am afraid of what kind of influence I could have on someone who's much younger than I am. Hope someone can talk some sense into me. I have never been in such a situation and I am really thinking about it a lot.
Tony T Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Yes, it starts off great and works down from there. Your guy has got a lot of traveling to do before he settles down. I would become his friend ONLY, date ofthers more your age, and if it was meant to be you could get serious with him in 10 years or more when your age difference won't matter as much.
mark clemson Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 b) I am afraid of what kind of influence I could have on someone who's much younger than I am. What is the concern? I would think you could be a positive influence on a 20 year old. The voice of maturity, etc. etc. If he's even remotely normal he'll be absolutely thrilled about the relationship and sex aspects. In other ways you can be the (relative) voice of wisdom. Especially if he doesn't get GFs easily he may be quite into this. My thought is that IF you go for it, DON'T expect it to last. It may be just a "thing" that you both experience together and then move on from after a certain amount of time. Sure, you could end up being the loves of each others' lives. But I definitely wouldn't be putting any money on that with a 20 year old. If that's not OK for you, it might indeed be wise to back off. 1
some_username1 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 (edited) I would heed your own advice OP- do you really think switching the gender suddenly makes it all okay and makes your concerns any less valid? Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. Edited November 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 2
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 (edited) It's easy to romanticize someone online because they can be anything your heart desires, but it's usually just a fantasy based on what you want them to be. The reality is you are talking to a 20 year old. To put it in perspective, a few months ago he was a teenager, and you're approaching you're mid thirties. How can he make a suitable partner? Is he working, studying or still living at home? No matter how sweet he is, the fact is his adult life is just beginning. Personally I couldn't see him as anything other than a boy, but maybe you've already become too emotionally invested to care about his age. Perhaps if you saw him in person the reality to sink in just how young he really is. If you're not looking to settle down, maybe that will work for you and your lifestyle? I don't know? Only you can decide that. Edited November 16, 2019 by Scarlett.O'hara
scooby-philly Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Hey OP I was 38 and she was 24. 36 and 22 when we first met. I thought she was mature and she said she wanted something real...but it didnt work out. Doing lots of research before during and after...and actually having lived it...there are 4 things beside age to consider. 1. Their upbringing and family dynamic 2. Their emotional maturity and openess 3. Their self esteem 4. Their dating history And a fifth... Your intentions and perspective. He may be 20 but is his family emotionally healthy? Loving, kind, affectionate? Remember you marry the family. Doesn't mean you want have a fling for a few months or 2 years...but keep in mind. He may be 20 but how emotionally mature is he? Can he argue with shaming attacking or belittling you? Can he proceed his emotions healthily? Can you sense if he knows what he wants out of life? Is he open and honest about his feelings? Where does his self esteem rank? If its low you may find yourself doing a lot of reassuring and you can become very resentive of that. Plus...do you want to be the one to pick him up and then he leaves when he has confidence? If he already has it it still could be a mess but limited to a specific thing. Not saying this should stop you..but again...consider. Does he have dating history? Can he sleep over or go away for a weekend or a week without a problem? Does he know what s mature relationship involves? Atr ou wilinto be patient with him? Forgive him? Again..just a co consideration. Laslty... are you able to see him in public and not feel shame? Could you introduce him to our friends and family if things were super at 6 months or a year? Plus...how do your live, schedules, goals, and dreams overlap? If you want to do it...give yourself time each week to diagnose your feelings without him at least and keep those things in mind. That's not that bad of an age gap if we was 30 or 40. At 20 it may fizzle out. But you could enjoy the ride!!!
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 I am almost 33 and he is 20! It's not the age gap as much as it is the different points in life you're at. Sounds fun, enjoy it while it lasts... Mr. Lucky
Erik30 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 It could work... but it depends on what you want. If you want to have kids soon and settle down, you can forget about that with this guy. At 20 he's basically just a big kid, I know I was at that age. (I mean, you met him in online gaming...) If you just want to have some fun, go for it (assuming he's okay with the age gap)
dramallama Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 When I was 16, I met a guy, and over the course of the year, we fell for each other. We got together when I was 17 and he was 31. We were together for 3 years, it was an amazing relationship, he taught me so much about the world and opened my eyes to new interests etc. We were ultimately at different life stages - he wanted children, I was just starting out in my career, so we split up. When you're with someone much older/younger, people pass judgement when they see you together if the age difference is obvious in the way you look, and that can add pressure to the relationship. I know my boyfriend found it hard at times, had to do some soul searching about whether our relationship was really 'right'. Another older guy I dated later got called a 'paedo' when we were out together - I think I was 24 at the time!! I think it's less socially acceptable for an older woman to date a younger guy, but as long as you're not old enough to have given birth to him you're probably not in dodgy territory. I can't see this being long term though, and you may find yourself feeling less enamoured when you spend time with him in real life and out in public.
SJ1975 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Been there and got the tshirt. Sorry to say but this will never last.
chillii Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 (edited) no way sorry. Doesn't matter how he seems no way a guys ready for that at his age. Girls can be yeah they're often way ahead. Besides, back in the day 23 l was with someone 28 briefly. Granted she was the very matured older type , be the equivalent to your age and really we were worlds apart even at that, she felt like my grandmother in the end. Edited November 16, 2019 by chillii
smackie9 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Girl there may not be marriage down the road, but you still could have a nice relationship, and may even get a nice friend out of it. He's 20, not a teenager, so he is adult enough to date, whether it be a mature women or even a cougar. If you guys like each other, have a good connection, then go for it and enjoy the experience. Seriously try not to over think it. 1
kendahke Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 As long as you are crystal clear with your intentions with him and never lie to him about said intentions. His level of expectations must be considered. Do nothing that would make you feel like you have to hang your head in shame. Easy enough, no?
stillafool Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 You have to be really self assured and not give a dang what others think to date someone with an extreme age difference. If not, you will be anxious and insecure.
SumGuy Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 There are many reasons younger men like older women, and really to me 33 is not older at all. The only "issues" I see is where you are on major life path areas that might conflict. Like school and having children. But that is down the road. No reason to not see where things go, and if he falls in love your age gap isn't ever going to matter. P.S. to find a gamer-girl is like a holy grail/unicorn to a lot of guys, maybe it is different for the current generation...i sure hope so.
snowboy91 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Like others here, I have my doubts as to whether something like that would last. But if you're interested and up for something fun/enjoyable, there isn't anything wrong with giving it a try and seeing where it goes. 1
fromheart Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 (edited) If you haven't actually met him in the flesh, you have no idea who he is. So this is all an illusion at this point. An older man dating a younger woman is natural and has been since the dawn of time, a woman peaks sooner but has her childhood bearing years younger. A man takes more time to establish himself and discover who he is. The chances of it working the other way round, are very rare. For you to emotionally invest in this would be unwise, for your own peace of mind. By all means 'have fun,' but don't get serious. Edited November 17, 2019 by fromheart
winny Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 are you sure he is 20? have you met him in person yet?
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