He asked what I thought

[Angel29]

I went on a date with a new guy last week (not the same person my recent threads have been about). When I met him I thought he was nice looking but I didn't feel this 'spark' everyone keeps going on about. I enjoyed his conversation and felt we had a lot in common. He asked to meet again at the end and I said yes.

 

In the past when I have gone by looks it never works as it impairs my judgement and in the end the truth shows that some of these men are not compatible. This guy text me tonight asking what I thought after the first date. I told him thought he was good company and easy to talk to with common ground but cannot know someone after one date.

 

He said it makes a change to hear that and women always decide from the first date which must mean they don't want to see him again. He said he doesn't know after one date if he can decide if the illusive spark is there.

 

I replied and said that some people have unrealistic expectations and that sparks are not always instant and can impair judgement. I also said it is a bit like when you first become friends or start a job, you give it a chance and in time know if it is right for you. I am waiting for his reply.

 

I personally feel a second date is needed to determine whether to go further. From past experiences I have fallen for friends vice versa after spending a lot of time with them. Why are people obsessed with the spark? I feel people refer to the spark as sexual attraction. I understand you need to feel good with them but it seems people are being written off before being given a chance.

[lavenderandvelvet]

I define the spark as a curiosity to learn more about them.

 

I have met plenty of people that were pleasant enough, but I don't really need to meet them again. Occasionally I'll give them a second try, but usually my initial impression is correct.

 

You need a spark for friendships and romantic relationships. Though I guess I have occasionally had a friend that turned into a real one without the spark. On the romance side, I still need something to suck me in, and maybe a spark will develop.

[Silver_star]

I do think the spark might be sexual attraction.

 

I like to be mindful of spending too much time "trying" to create a spark that wasn't there to begin with. Especially when it comes to new people you meet (online dating or stranger that asked you out). It;s okay to entertain the new relationship by going on a date and talking or doing an activity together, but if there is no attraction it usually just ends up in friendship.

 

I agree that it takes more than a spark for a relationship to continue, but usually it's the starting point.

Alot of the time you get to know someone in a friendly way and the spark comes later through many interactions ...which is why there are alot of co-workers/friends or friends through mutual friends that end up dating...but it is not seen as forced because you were not trying to force a relationship...it happened in a natural way from being around one another and developing an attraction.

 

However, its different in the world of online dating. How many dates do you want to go on where you aren't sure about your romantic interest?

I went on a date recently with a guy from online dating app, and his picture was cute, i wasnt overly attracted but I did think he was cute, we had some good banter and he seemed interesting. Well he was interesting, but there was no "spark" so I went on the second date...again, lots of talking, but he didnt show signs of interest, and had little to no experience in dating...and I wasnt OVERLY motivated to make the first move. Perhaps incompatible that way. Had he maybe pursued me and kissed me maybe I would have been more attracted (that is just me, but that is not who he is), but a third date at this point is kind of a waste of both our time.

[Angel29]

I have noticed this guy is on WhatsApp but ignoring my messages. I really didn't feel much spark and neither did he. I think we are just messaging out of politeness, plus he lives too far away. Should I just say I don't think we are right for each other and good luck in your search?

[smackie9]

I have noticed this guy is on WhatsApp but ignoring my messages. I really didn't feel much spark and neither did he. I think we are just messaging out of politeness, plus he lives too far away. Should I just say I don't think we are right for each other and good luck in your search?

Just stop messaging him.

[PRW]

 

1. He asked to meet again at the end and I said yes.
   
2. This guy text me tonight asking what I thought after the first date.
   
3. He said it makes a change to hear that and women always decide from the first date which must mean they don't want to see him again.
   

Hate to be the guy to pop the bubble. But what he did above is the result of him being very low confidence, insecure. A confident guy would just simply consider himself to have enough value and that there should not be any reason you wouldn't want a second date. As a result he would not have said anything about a second date while still on the first one. Then after a couple days for him to come up with another date plan he would have just contacted you and offered a new date with the expectation that you would of course want to go.

 

I personally feel a second date is needed to determine whether to go further. From past experiences I have fallen for friends vice versa after spending a lot of time with them.

You feel like he was "OK",...acceptable,...but not super exciting. The reason is because of what I just described above.

 

Why are people obsessed with the spark? I feel people refer to the spark as sexual attraction.

That is correct, but there is an emotional component as well.

 

I understand you need to feel good with them but it seems people are being written off before being given a chance.

In some cases that may be true. But some things just don't need more of a chance either. The so-called "spark" happens for a reason,...and it also fails to happen for a reason.

I'm not saying you can't still see him and give it a shot, but you need to see clearly what you are doing and what you are dealing with.

[TheFinalWord]

I would not keep pursing. You have to have that visceral attraction, and you know in a few seconds if it's there or not. Yes, you can become more attracted to someone overtime by spending time with them. But you'll always be second guessing yourself. Now you're acting less confident and stalking his social media. That's really needy behavior and what will happen is you'll find yourself attracted to him out of neediness, instead of who he is as a person.

 

It's okay to be attracted to someone physically. A person's physical form is a part of their character. The key is not to move fast physically until you get to know the guy. People hook up waaayyyy too quick.

 

What is your age? If you are nearing 30, red pill theory states that women begin putting less emphasis on men with superior genetic traits (testosterone-based physical attributes such as muscles, square jaw, low body fat, tall), and become more interested in stable, secure men (his career, job security, assets). Not that looks don't matter, but they become less important compared to other factors of attraction like a man's status, success, capacity to provide. These men may not ignite that visceral physical attraction, but they spark the provider/protective attraction side of a woman's dual mating strategy. The kind of guy that will give you a family, stick around, and provide/protect his wife and children. A bit theoretical, but some of this may be the natural transition women go through around 28-33.

Edited November 21, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Erik30]

I have noticed this guy is on WhatsApp but ignoring my messages. I really didn't feel much spark and neither did he. I think we are just messaging out of politeness, plus he lives too far away. Should I just say I don't think we are right for each other and good luck in your search?

 

He's probably just busy talking to someone else... this is exactly why I hate that you can't hide your online status on WhatsApp.. Just because someone is online doesn't mean that person has to reply immediately, or is ignoring you on purpose.

 

You might as well end it since it seems like you're looking for a reason anyway

[snowboy91]

You need a spark for friendships and romantic relationships.

 

While I do agree, I don't think they're quite the same kind of spark.

 

A "friendship" spark means I can't stop talking to them, and it just makes me happy to be around them. I get that with both guys and girls, but in the case of girls I'm not attracted to them - but our personalities "click" in some way.

 

A romantic spark is similar but includes the sexual attraction - it's a lot more intense.

 

I don't think it has to be immediate - I see it as a "natural" thing that pops up, and it can take a few dates (or meets in the case of friends) for someone to get comfortable enough to behave naturally. So I don't think you should necessarily write someone off after the first date, unless too many red flags pop up or you're just completely incompatible.

 

At the end of the first date, you'll know if that person is a hard "no". You won't necessarily know if its a complete "yes" though - which is what subsequent dates are for.

[Inspire]

I went on a date with a new guy last week (not the same person my recent threads have been about). When I met him I thought he was nice looking but I didn't feel this 'spark' everyone keeps going on about. I enjoyed his conversation and felt we had a lot in common. He asked to meet again at the end and I said yes.

 

In the past when I have gone by looks it never works as it impairs my judgement and in the end the truth shows that some of these men are not compatible. This guy text me tonight asking what I thought after the first date. I told him thought he was good company and easy to talk to with common ground but cannot know someone after one date.

 

I'd be surprised if he did pursue another date. Your response to him basically said: "I wasn't feeling it" ... I don't think him asking was necessarily a sign of low confidence (as someone else suggested) it may have just been that he sensed a bit of a disconnect. He asked and got his answer. Nobody wants to waste their time.

[Grey40]

Extremely cringey that this guy asked what you thought about him on the first date. Just reeks of insecurity. Love how he knows that "all women decide on the first date if they like a guy and have a spark". You're dodging a bullet here. This guy sounds like a bitter unsuccessful male.

[ajequals]

this is a great question. I personally key in on a ladies personality ,I think the spark shows up with time. there is no instant spark. maybe he's referring to something else like attraction

[Angel29]

Extremely cringey that this guy asked what you thought about him on the first date. Just reeks of insecurity. Love how he knows that "all women decide on the first date if they like a guy and have a spark". You're dodging a bullet here. This guy sounds like a bitter unsuccessful male.

 

I actually find his behaviour has put me off now. If he wasn't sure he shouldn't have asked for a second date on the first and could have thought about it. Backtracking about there being no 'spark' I find quite insulting. You are right, he is tarring me with the same brush as all of his previous dates - joker. I will continue to find someone who is a bit more open. Fair enough I am not his type but messing people around just shows he is emotionally unavailable.